Chapter 11
LIV
The following week, I had just given Finn breakfast, then helped him to get dressed into his uniform before we set off for school.
He skipped along happily beside me and debated whether I thought a velociraptor would outrun a cheetah.
I made all the right responses and sounds but my mind was elsewhere.
Jay and I had stayed up late talking about whether we should have another child.
I was so torn; however much I wanted to give Finn a brother or sister, I was also terrified of not being around to watch him grow up.
Jay was trying to reassure me that everything would be fine but I felt like he wasn’t taking my concerns seriously.
I hadn’t slept well after the conversation as I just couldn’t see how I was ever going to make a decision.
When we reached the school, I kissed Finn goodbye at the gate.
I stood and watched him walking along the path looking so tiny compared to the older children.
Once I saw that he was safely inside the school building, I headed home.
I walked down the main street and stopped outside a coffee shop.
I needed caffeine after the sleepless night I had had.
I pushed the door to enter and joined the queue.
I heard someone come in behind me and I turned around to look but when I saw who it was, I wished I hadn’t.
It was her. Maya. My heart somersaulted.
I thought about pretending that I hadn’t seen her but it was too late.
‘I… eh… hi,’ I mumbled, lost for words.
‘Hi there,’ she replied, putting her phone into her bag. ‘I badly need a coffee to get going this morning,’ she went on making small talk. ‘Elliot likes to start the day at 6 a.m.’ She groaned theatrically.
I laughed politely. ‘You’ve got an early riser too, huh?’ I looked at the queue and willed it to move faster. There were four people ahead of me and only one barista working.
Then she stepped closer to me and quickly checked around her to make sure no one was listening. ‘Look, I know it’s kinda awkward how we know each other…’ she began, lowering her voice. ‘But I just wanted to get it out of the way.’ She smiled wryly.
My gaze shifted to the mosaic of hexagonal floor tiles. ‘Well, thank you…’ I said, glad she had addressed the elephant in the room.
‘What’s your little boy’s name again?’
‘Finn. I hear him talking about Elliot all the time.’
‘All good, I hope?’
‘Yes, I think they were playing a game in the yard together yesterday, actually. Is he settling in okay?’
‘So far, so good. It’s lovely to meet some of the other parents.’
‘Yes,’ I said enthusiastically. The conversation was dying and I scrambled for something else to say.
‘We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other and I don’t want things to be awkward between us,’ Maya said. ‘I just wanted to say that what we know about each other – y’know, both going to counselling – well, it stays between us…’
‘Thank you.’ I nodded, feeling a flood of relief. ‘I’m glad you brought it up. And I feel exactly the same.’
‘I was going to get this to take away but eh… look… do you want to sit down for a few minutes?’ She thumbed over to the tables towards the back of the coffee shop.
‘Well, I…’ I glanced at my watch, desperately trying to think of an excuse on the spot but my brain had gone blank. ‘I… eh… Sure…’ I said eventually.
‘Ladies, what can I get you?’ the man working behind the counter asked.
Maya turned to me. ‘What would you like?’
I eyed up the muffins that were mushrooming over their cases and felt my mouth water. ‘I’ll have a latte and oh, I know I probably shouldn’t but those muffins look insane.’ I pointed at the display behind the glass.
‘They do look good,’ Maya admitted, looking at the pastries longingly.
‘And a raspberry and white chocolate muffin too, please.’ Maya smiled at the man. ‘And I’ll have a matcha.’
‘Oh, aren’t you going to have something to eat?’ I asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
‘Ehm… Oh all right, I’ll have a protein ball as well please. Do you want to grab a seat and I’ll get these?’ she offered.
‘Sure, okay,’ I said.
I sat down at a table in the corner and after the barista had plated the drinks and the treats onto a tray, Maya carried them down to the table.
‘Thanks,’ I said, taking the latte and muffin off the tray. ‘My muffin is dwarfing your little protein ball.’
‘I’ve haven’t been to the gym in a while so I need to watch what I’m eating.’ She patted her abdomen.
‘Fair play to you.’ I felt a pang of guilt at my own lack of restraint. Maya was in great shape, with slim, toned arms, a flat stomach and shapely legs. She clearly took her fitness seriously. I wished I had that level of discipline.
‘Do you usually go often?’
‘I was going regularly,’ she broke off and stirred her matcha, ‘but I… eh… I’ve fallen off the wagon…’
‘It happens to the best of us.’ I smiled at her, even though I had never set foot in a gym in my life.
We began chit-chatting about the boys again and how they were settling in at school.
‘Is Elliot your only child?’ I asked, taking a bite of my muffin.
She nodded. ‘What about you?’
‘Yes, we only have Finn. Jay would like another baby but…’ I trailed off. ‘That’s why we’re in counselling, actually.’ I went to take another bite but I noticed Maya hadn’t touched her protein ball and I felt self-conscious, so I placed it down again.
‘Because he wants a baby and you don’t?’
‘Kind of. It’s complicated… I had a tough time after Finn was born and I’m scared of something like that happening again. I nearly died after giving birth and then I had severe postnatal depression for a long time afterwards so it was a horrible time.’
‘You poor thing, that sounds really nasty,’ she said sympathetically.
‘I always thought I’d have loads of kids, y’know?
I was the girl on the road who was always minding the babies.
I babysat for free; I love kids. But it took us a couple of years to conceive Finn and then I was so ill after he was born that I haven’t been able to think about having another.
Now I’m pushing forty and even if I did decide to try for another baby, given my history, it might not even happen for us.
As the saying goes, make plans and God laughs. ’
‘Life has a funny way of not going the way you want it to,’ Maya agreed wryly.
‘I feel wracked with guilt about it all. Jay is such a good dad, he’s a wonderful husband and Finn is the best thing that has ever happened to us so it seems wrong that I don’t want to grow our family but I’m so scared I’m going to risk it all if I have another baby.
It’s causing a lot of tension between us at the moment, to be honest.’ My voice danced on a knife edge of tears.
‘Wow, Liv, you’ve been through it, haven’t you?’ She shook her head. ‘You just never really know what’s going on in someone’s life, do you?’
I smiled sadly.
‘Were you okay the other evening? I don’t mean to pry but I couldn’t help noticing you’d been crying and I got the sense you might have had a tricky session,’ Maya probed.
Water filled my eyes. ‘We were fine until we started going to counselling. It’s making me think about things I haven’t thought about in ages.
’ I was mortified as I started to cry. Maya jumped up and grabbed a napkin from the stack on the counter and handed it to me.
‘I guess that’s the point,’ I added grimly as I dabbed my eyes with the napkin.
‘I see,’ Maya said kindly. ‘I understand it’s difficult for Jay too if he wants to have more kids but ultimately, he needs to respect your decision,’ she continued.
‘He does,’ I rushed in. I didn’t want her thinking badly of him; he was a great husband in so many ways but this obstacle had come between us and for the first time in our relationship, I couldn’t see a way over it.
‘I mean, he’s being so understanding but sometimes, I don’t think he really gets it, y’know?
He keeps saying that it won’t happen again and that if I did fall pregnant, the doctors would be keeping a close eye on me…
but it’s easy for him to say all that. It wasn’t him that almost died or that was too sick to even hold Finn for the first few weeks of his life.
And even if everything went smoothly after the delivery, there is the postnatal depression to consider—’ I broke off, suddenly becoming self-aware that I was oversharing.
‘God, listen to me telling you my life story…’ I added, abashed.
Maybe it was because we were both in couples therapy but there was something about her, a calmness or poise that made it easy to open up to her.
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Maya soothed.
‘I can’t believe I’m telling you all this,’ I said, dabbing at my eyes with the napkin. ‘I don’t even know your surname.’ I couldn’t help smiling at the absurdity of me sharing my most personal feelings with this woman and yet I hardly knew her.
‘It’s Laurence. And yours?’
‘I’m Liv O’Dowd, pleased to meet you.’
She stuck out her hand to shake mine and we both laughed.
‘Can I tell you something?’ Maya went on. ‘I know you and your husband have your issues but you’re lucky.’
I raised my brows sceptically. ‘Really?’
‘He really seems to love you. It’s one of the things I’ve noticed when I see you both in the waiting room.’
I beamed, reminded of how good we were, which made the situation we now found ourselves in bittersweet. ‘Thank you, I know he’s a good one. I’m so blessed to have him and Finn. I just hope we can work things out,’ I added sadly.
‘You will – your foundations are strong.’
‘What about you?’ I ventured. ‘Will you guys have another?’ I wouldn’t usually dare ask such a personal question but because Maya had asked me first, it seemed fair game.
Maya shook her head. ‘I mean, I’d like to… but I’d have to get my husband to sleep with me first.’ She smiled sadly.
I rearranged my features, trying not to look shocked. I wasn’t used to people being so frank about their sex lives. Even with my girlfriends, we never spoke about stuff like this. ‘A-are you two, you know…’ I stumbled over my words, feeling clumsy and awkward.
‘We haven’t had sex in over two years,’ she stated bluntly. ‘To be brutally honest, I don’t think he finds me attractive any more.’
I knew I was doing a good impression of a goldfish but I couldn’t help it. In what universe could this be possible? Any red-blooded male would be falling over themselves to sleep with Maya. The woman was stunning.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said sympathetically. ‘He must be crazy.’
‘It’s hard to compete with porn,’ she added dryly.
I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. ‘Does he watch a lot of porn?’
She nodded. ‘And then he… um… he had trouble… you know, getting it up.’
‘I see…’ I said. I had only just met this woman but she was opening up to me about stuff I would never discuss with even my closest friends.
It seemed Maya shared whatever was on her mind.
She wasn’t prudish or embarrassed and it was refreshing.
The more she shared with me, the more I found myself wanting to open up and tell her things in return.
‘Is that why you two are in therapy?’ I asked, feeling braver now.
Maya nodded and picked up a sachet of sugar from the bowl in the centre of the table and began fiddling with it.
‘That’s the tip of the iceberg, to be honest. There’s loads more stuff, too much to go into.
I never thought marriage could be so lonely.
I come from a broken home and I don’t want Elliot to go through the same thing that I did so I’m trying so hard for his sake but between you and me,’ Maya leaned across the table towards me and I found myself moving closer too, noticing a film of tears glazing the woman’s amber-coloured eyes, ‘I don’t know if there’s a way back for us.
But I’ve got to try. For Elliot’s sake, I have to try. ’
I placed my hand over Maya’s and squeezed it. ‘Julia is a good therapist – we’ve found her sessions really helpful – so I hope you guys can work it out.’
‘Thanks, Liv. Julia said we have to try and get the spark back but it’s so hard.
“Get a babysitter”, “Go on a date or a weekend away. When couples have children, it can be all-consuming and they can often lose themselves along the way, blah… blah.” But that all seems like a step too far for where we are at right now; the thought of sitting opposite him in a restaurant with other diners able to overhear us if things got heated makes me cringe. ’
‘Why don’t you try and create a date night at home?’ I suggested. ‘You could make a nice dinner, get dressed up. And if it didn’t go to plan, at least you’re in your own home and nobody will know.’
‘That’s a good idea, actually, thanks. It’s so good to have someone to talk to about it all.
I can’t talk to Hugo and my friends wouldn’t get it.
Most of them are in loveless marriages and stay for the money.
Once the fancy holidays and new cars keep on coming, they don’t complain, but I guess I just hoped for more in my relationship. ’ She lowered her gaze.
‘Of course you did.’ I reached across the table and patted the side of her arm.
‘Thank you, Liv. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it all so thank you for listening to me.’
I felt a warm glow spread through me like honey running off the back of a spoon. I would never have thought I would have had anything to offer a woman as put-together as Maya. A woman who appeared to have it all but I was learning that appearances were deceiving.
‘Not at all. I’m glad I could help and likewise, I don’t like telling my friends or family about our issues; they all think Jay and I have the perfect marriage.’ I smiled.
‘It just goes to show you that nobody knows what’s going on in anyone else’s life.
Do you know something?’ Maya asked. ‘Meeting you for this coffee has done me the world of good. Do you want to call over after school tomorrow with Finn? The boys could have a play and burn off some energy while we have a coffee?’
‘Sounds great.’ I beamed, feeling as though our relationship had taken a deeper turn.
‘Here, take my number.’ Maya called out her mobile number for me to save in my phone. ‘We live in Fairmont Heights.’
I gulped. I knew the street; it was one of Dublin’s most expensive addresses. ‘Great, see you then.’