Chapter 38
LIV
After the Laurences had left, I waited alone in the booth for Jay to return from the bathroom.
I held my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the table as I wondered how I had never known this part of my husband.
How had he kept such a monumental secret from me for all these years?
Although it had all happened before we met, it still felt like a betrayal.
I was left questioning everything I thought I knew: my marriage, my husband, our love.
Eventually, I saw him making his way towards me. His head was bowed, his shoulders sunken. As he wordlessly sank into the seat beside me, I noticed that his dark eyes had a film of tears and I realised he had been crying.
‘I’m sorry,’ he choked.
‘Let’s just go home.’ I sighed and shook my head. I could never stay mad with him, least not when he was upset. ‘We’ve a lot to talk about.’
I signalled for the bill but the waiter told me it had to be done through the QR system.
I winced when I saw the total, especially as I realised that the Laurences hadn’t left anything for their share.
With the two bottles of wine, it was almost double what we would spend on our weekly grocery shop.
We drove home in silence, knowing that what had to be discussed needed to be done properly, face to face. Not in the dark, sitting next to one another in the car where we couldn’t see each other. I needed to be able to look him in the eye as I searched for the truth.
When we got home, we both chit-chatted politely with my mother who had babysat for us, doing a great job of pretending that we had had a fun evening. She would never have guessed what was going on between us and it was only after she had left that we were finally able to talk.
‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ Jay said when we were alone.
I nodded, needing the comfort of holding a mug of tea between my hands; the familiar routine was what I craved when Jay’s secret had just upended everything I had ever known.
After Jay had made the tea, we sat down in the kitchen.
He slid a packet of chocolate bourbon biscuits across the table between us and the familiarity of the gesture nearly broke me.
This was our routine, our life – all these little things that we shared together that made us, us.
And now he was after turning it all upside down.
‘Where do I start?’ Jay began sheepishly, dragging his spoon around his mug in a circular motion.
‘At the beginning would be good.’ My tone was snipy and I tried hard to suppress it. I didn’t want this to turn into an argument. I just wanted the truth. ‘How could you not have told me that you were engaged before me?’ I continued. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Look, I’m sorry, I probably should have told you.’
‘Probably?’
‘Okay, then I should have told you.’
‘Yes, you should have.’
‘It wasn’t serious. We were very young,’ Jay tried to defend himself. ‘It wasn’t a big deal, just a silly, drunken idea that somehow spiralled.’
‘I’m not sure Louise Forde would agree with you,’ I spat. ‘What age were you?’
‘We were twenty-one.’
I digested this new piece of information. He had been young. Far too young to be proposing to someone. I felt like asking him what he had been thinking getting engaged at that age but I knew it wouldn’t be helpful right now.
‘And were you seeing one another for long?’
‘A little less than a year.’
‘How did you know her?’
‘She was studying nursing too and we were on our placement together in fourth year. We met on a night out, got on well and started going out shortly after.’
‘You must have really loved her.’ There was a petulant note in my voice. I couldn’t help but feel jealous of this woman who had come before me and captured my husband’s heart so fully.
Jay shifted. ‘I don’t know… She was my first girlfriend but I think it was infatuation.
It was our final year in college and I thought it would be a romantic thing to do before the placement ended and we both went back home but it was actually just impulsive and stupid.
I didn’t have a ring. We hadn’t even met one another’s families.
We had never lived together. In hindsight, I think I was worried because I thought we might not see each other as often; she was from Cork, you see, so I guess I felt if we were engaged, it would make things more secure between us.
You see, I told you I was young and stupid.
’ He smiled sadly and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.
‘I wish you’d told me all of this. I understand it when you explain it all like this and I feel for you but finding out the way I did tonight was horrible, Jay.’ My voice cracked with emotion.
He looked distraught, as if this whole thing was more painful for him than it was for me. ‘I hate that I’ve done this to you.’ He reached out and put his hand over mine on the table.
‘The thing that gets me is how easily you lied and kept it a secret for all these years. It makes me wonder what else you might have lied about?’
‘I promise you from the day that I met you, I have never lied to you about anything. I didn’t lie about this either.’
‘You might not have lied but you never told me about it. I don’t see the difference. It’s a pretty big part of your back story and you kept it a secret from me.’
He flopped back in the chair and splayed his hands out wide. ‘I was embarrassed about it; I still am. It was a silly, childish thing to do.’
‘I feel like everything that I thought I knew about our relationship has been a lie. I’m going back over it all like when you first told me that you loved me and that you’d never felt this way about anyone before – now I know that wasn’t true!
Or, remember when you proposed and you were so nervous that you couldn’t get the words out?
Well, maybe those nerves were because when you did it the first time around, it hadn’t gone to plan and you didn’t want the pressure of having a second broken engagement?
When you proposed to me and when we were planning our wedding, I thought I was special – I thought we were special.
I believed it was the first time for both of us but it was second-time around for you. ’
‘It was special and it was the first time for me planning a wedding. The engagement with Louise was just a crazy idea.’
‘So what happened?’
‘She went back home and realised a few days later that we were too young so she broke up with me.’ He sucked in sharply. ‘Over the phone.’
‘Ouch,’ I sympathised.
‘But although I was heartbroken at the time, now I can see that she did me a massive favour. It would never have worked between us and more importantly, we wouldn’t have found each other.
When I met you, I discovered what love truly is.
I never meant to keep it as a secret from you, I swear, Liv but I was worried you’d think less of me if I told you I’d been jilted by someone else and then it became harder to bring it up.
To be honest, I’d more or less forgotten about it until tonight. ’
‘But how come your family never mentioned it to me? Not once did your mum or your dad say anything about it over the years or any of your friends. Surely someone would have let it slip or had you sworn them to secrecy too?’ I challenged.
‘They never knew about it.’
‘What? So you deceived them too?’ I couldn’t decide whether this made me feel marginally better or whether it meant Jay was a compulsive liar if he could lie to those closest to him so easily.
‘How? How did you do that?’ I was struggling to understand.
‘Surely when you propose to someone, you tell your friends and family?’
‘We had decided to keep it to ourselves until we had chosen a ring but then Louise broke it off with me before we even got that far,’ he explained. ‘I know it sounds crazy but I promise you, nobody knew about it except us.’
‘Well, if Hugo knew then obviously, Louise had told people.’
‘Yes,’ he conceded. ‘She must have told people but I never mentioned a word to any of my friends or family about being engaged. I knew they’d all think we were too young – turns out they were right…’
‘So what did you tell people when you broke up?’
‘When people asked why we had broken up, I just lied and said that neither of us were willing to do a long-distance relationship and everyone bought into it. I got a job in St Francis’s shortly afterwards and then I met you and I know you might not believe me after everything you’ve found out tonight, but you were the best thing to ever happen to me.
I saw what love is really like: it’s not doing drastic things for a fear of losing the other person; it’s safe and secure, relaxed and happy.
It made me realise that Louise and I never really loved one another. ’
He moved his chair closer to mine and put his arms around me.
I softened in his arms. I knew Jay. I knew this was hurting him, probably even more than it was hurting me. He was a good man. ‘I love you, Jay but you have to promise me that there are no more secrets between us.’
‘I promise you – I swear on Finn’s life, that’s it. You know everything about me.’
I nodded, believing him.
‘I could have punched that big, sneery smile off Hugo’s face earlier,’ Jay said after a beat. ‘He did it on purpose, y’know.’
‘How was he to know that you once dated a girl he knew?’
‘I know that it’s a crazy coincidence but even when he knew I was finding it uncomfortable, he kept on going; he kept turning the screw. He’s a nasty piece of work. That’s the last time I’ll socialise with them.’
‘Come on,’ I coaxed. ‘I know he’s not a nice person but Maya is.’
‘I feel like whenever we’re with them, it rubs off on us and either Finn gets upset or we end up fighting.’
‘I think it’s just been bad luck; we can’t blame them for what happened both times.’
‘I don’t know…’ He shook his head in frustration. ‘Whenever we spend time with them, it always ends in disaster and I don’t like it.’
‘I know…’ I sighed.
‘We don’t fight, we never argue and every time we’re around them, something happens.
I respect that Maya is your friend, but I don’t want to be around them any more.
I hate the way they argue and bicker with one another in front of us.
It’s so awkward and I just want to sink into the floor. And Maya drinks too much.’
‘She just wants to have a good time,’ I said, defending my friend.
‘She drank nearly the whole of those two bottles by herself!’
‘I guess…’ I said, realising that he was right.
Maya had drunk an awful lot tonight. I thought about what Julia had said to them about her drinking habits and how upset Maya had been at the time but maybe she had had a point.
‘She does like a drink but she has a lot of stress in her life with the situation with Hugo. I think it’s just a means of escapism for her. ’
‘I hate to say this but Maya is wasting her time with him. I don’t know why she doesn’t just cut her losses now and leave him. He’s never going to change. I can’t figure out if she’s just really na?ve or she’s smart and she just stays for the money.’
‘Jay!’ I said, shocked.
‘It’s true. How can someone put up with that sort of treatment?’
‘Well, that’s why they’re in counselling. They’re trying to get help.’
‘Have you tried talking to her about it?’
‘We do talk about it but unless she’s ready to make a change, all I can do is listen and support her.’
‘No offence but it’s not a therapist that they need, it’s a bloody miracle worker. I don’t think anyone could help them.’
‘Come on, Jay, they’re trying. They have a son together; it’s not that simple. I know Maya really doesn’t want him to grow up in a broken home like she did.’
‘Well, I think it’s probably doing more harm to him by staying. He’s growing up to be a little shit. I don’t want Finn hanging around with him. The whole lot of them are toxic.’
‘That’s a bit harsh. Maya is my friend and Elliot is only a child.’
‘Well, I don’t want my son spending any more time with him.’
‘Jay, they’re in the same class; we can’t avoid them, whether you like it or not.
It’s up to Finn to choose whether he wants to be friends with him.
We can’t wrap him up in cotton wool; he’s going to come up against all sorts of people in life and it’s up to us to raise him so that he is able to stand his ground if needs be. ’
‘Well, if Elliot Laurence steps out of line again, that’s it, I won’t hold my tongue. It’s been nothing but drama ever since you and Maya became friends.’