Chapter 55
MAYA
Minutes or hours, I couldn’t tell. Time felt elastic.
Ethereal. I had stepped into a world where all my thoughts were just of Elliot in a slow-motion reel.
My poor, defenceless son, his tiny, broken body lying unconscious on the kitchen tiles.
Already, the skin on the side of his face where he had been hit had turned blue-black.
As I looked at him, covered to the waist by starched white sheets, I wondered, how he had got here?
He should be at home in his bedroom, with his goose-feather duvet tucked right up underneath his chin.
He should be snug in his pirate-ship-shaped bed with his nightlight projecting stars up onto the ceiling.
My eyes were starting to turn triangular following zig-zag lines on monitors that would indicate whether he would live or die.
I willed him to get better; I bargained with God.
I promised things would be different, that I would finally do what I had been putting off for so long, if he would only give me another chance to get it right.
A nurse entered to check his vital signs and Hugo and I moved back from the bed to give her some space.
‘How’s he doing?’ I asked eagerly when she had finished updating his chart, desperate for some news.
‘He’s stable for now, that’s the main thing,’ she said giving nothing away. It felt like I had been asking the same question over and over again and getting the same response every time.
Hugo pushed his chair back in frustration and stood up. ‘For God’s sake, will you just tell us if he’s going to be okay?’ he blasted angrily. ‘You come in and out, checking this and checking that, but you’re not telling us what we need to know! Is he going to be okay?’
The nurse looked shocked by his outburst. ‘I’m sorry, Mr Laurence, I wish I could give you a definitive answer but unfortunately, I can’t put a timeline on your son’s recovery.
For now, he’s doing well and that’s all I can tell you.
Given the extent of his injuries, we can only take it hour by hour. ’
‘I’m sorry,’ he replied, abashed. ‘I’m just so worried.’ He sat back down on the chair, chastened.
When the nurse had finished and left us alone again, I turned to my husband. I couldn’t bear to be near him for a moment longer.
‘I need some space, Hugo,’ I said. ‘Please can you give me some time alone?’
He looked stunned by my request. ‘Space?’ he spat. ‘I have as much right as you to be here. Our son is in intensive care in case you had forgotten.’
‘Because of you!’ I reminded him.
‘Sure…’ he said, shaking his head, clearly annoyed with what I was saying. ‘I’ll go get a coffee. I need to stretch my legs anyway.’
Once Hugo had left the room, I leant in close to my son’s battered body.
‘Wake up, baby boy,’ I begged. ‘I can’t lose you.
I just can’t. I’d never survive it.’ I prayed he would pull through.
This was all my fault. I was his mother.
I was supposed to protect him. The day he was born and they placed the pink, wriggling newborn onto my chest and I had breathed him in, I had sworn there and then that I would always do whatever it took to protect him.
But I hadn’t done that. I could suddenly see it all so clearly.
I had believed coming from a two-parent home was the best for Elliot because I had lacked that stability growing up but I now realised with sickening remorse that I had harmed my son by staying in such a dysfunctional marriage.
By staying with Hugo, I thought I had been doing the right thing but all the time it was doing damage to Elliot.
What kind of mother was I? And now he was paying the ultimate price.
Not long after Hugo had gone, I heard someone coming into the room behind me: soft steps, tentative. I assumed it was one of the medical staff but when I heard a familiar voice ask, ‘Can we come in?’ I turned around and saw Liv and Jay standing there.
‘Liv!’ I cried, so relieved to see my friend’s face. ‘How did you get in here?’
She turned towards her husband. ‘Jay knows a few people; he pulled in a few favours,’ she admitted. ‘They said we can visit for a few minutes but we can go if you’d rather not see us,’ she went on. Her face was tear-stained and her eyes were red.
I shook my head. ‘I’m glad you came.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, moving closer and taking me in her arms. She nodded towards Elliot. ‘How’s he doing?’ I could see she was shocked by his appearance.
‘They’ve had to put him into an induced coma to help deal with the swelling on his brain. He also has a fractured eye socket,’ I added numbly as if I was talking about somebody else, not my son.
‘Maya, I feel awful,’ Jay said, following after her. ‘If I had known something like this would happen… I never would have opened my goddamned mouth!’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not your fault. Maybe if I had done things differently, we could have avoided it. I should have told Hugo the real reason why I invited you over. If I had, then this might never have happened. I will always blame myself for this.’
‘You can’t blame yourself,’ Liv said reaching for my hand. ‘Nobody could have predicted the evening turning out like this.’ She looked around. ‘Is… um… Hugo here?’
I nodded. ‘He’s here somewhere but I told him that I needed some space. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Liv.’ I dissolved into tears and she took me into her arms. I let her hold me up, glad somebody could take the load off me, even if it was just for a moment.
‘Hey, you don’t need to make any decisions yet,’ she soothed. ‘Just focus on getting Elliot better; the rest will work itself out. I’m here for you, Maya. You’re not on your own.’
‘Thank you,’ I mouthed.