21. Archer
Chapter twenty-one
Archer
Jessie and Tilly's Wedding
D ear Seb,
Can you hear bells up in heaven? What about hell? Because that’s where it feels like I am right now. Today was the day I’ve dreaded the past six months. It’s their wedding day, my two best friends. I know it doesn’t seem like Tilly is my friend, let alone my best friend, but she was at one point. She was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning, even if all she chatted about was the periodic table or the new traffic light earrings she bought. She knew our parents were assholes, even if she didn’t know why, and she still consoled me when I had a bad day after fighting with them. She even encouraged me to follow my dreams of becoming a carpenter instead of doing what they wanted me to. College would’ve sucked without BOTH of them.
Without Jessie I probably wouldn’t have graduated and gotten into that apprenticeship with Mr. Banner. After you passed, Jessie kept my head on straight, didn’t let me get drunk every day, and made sure on the days I did drink, that I didn’t go too far. We looked out for each other and spent as much time together as possible.
So when he asked me to be his best man at his wedding, how could I say no? I couldn’t. I couldn’t look my best friend, my brother by choice, in the eye and tell him I couldn’t stand beside him while he married the woman of his—our—dreams. He deserved that type of happiness, and I didn’ t.
The shitty part is that I flipped your poker chip, like I always do, and asked if I should stop the wedding. Would you find a way to convince God to make her feet cold, give her a sign that it wasn’t Jessie, but me who she was meant to be with? Unsurprisingly, it landed on tails. You, in your own way, had spoken. It wasn’t going to happen, and I just needed to get over it.
I know this, yet I can’t figure out what it is about her I can’t get over. I bought her a bracelet with a mixing bowl charm and left it on the gift table along with all the other gifts. I didn’t sign it. I didn’t want her to know it came from me because with how I’ve avoided her the past two years she would’ve thrown it away.
I love Jessie, and I know he’s the right person for her—even though he doesn’t truly know her like I do. I just need to make a promise to myself to quit cold turkey. I’m done being a terrible friend.
I thought watching them get married would be the most excruciating pain in the world, but it wasn’t. She looked beautiful in her wedding dress; it was tight to her curvy body, the lace highlighted her beautiful brown skin, and her hair was straight and had one single braid with flowers in it. I missed her curls, the natural unruliness they seem to carry with their bounce. She stood in front of Jessie with a big smile on her face and tears in her eyes. She was…happy. Did I still imagine she was reciting the vows to me? Yes. Did my lungs cease working when her eyes locked on mine right before she said, “I do?” Also, yes.
But something happened in the moment after the pastor declared them husband and wife. Something that felt earth shattering. I felt at peace, like she was where she was meant to be. Her happiness was more important than anything, and I knew Jessie would treat her right. She’d never want for anything, she’d have a mother-in-law that was kind and warm, not like our mother. She’d be able to sleep at night without someone waking up with nightmares or refusing to come to bed because they couldn’t stop their mind from whirring, the spiraling that happens when I start thinking about you.
Tilly doesn’t deserve that. She deserves someone whole. Someone who wouldn’t tarnish the light she has pouring out of her. And the person for that job is Jessie.
Watching them, so in love, made me think about my future. Deidre’s back in town, and she wants to get together. I know I told you she was annoying and bitchy, but she only left me because she caught on to my attraction to Tilly and didn’t want to be second fiddle. I couldn’t blame her, and it wasn’t right for me to string her along, but I don’t want to spend life alone.
I want a wife and kids. Even if they only have me and their mom as a family because our parents suck. I’m sure Nora would be a great surrogate grandmother, and Shantel and Jessie…and Tilly, will be great aunts and uncles to my kids. Like I would’ve been to yours, if you were still here.
Facing down a future where you don’t get to meet my family sucks. It’s the worst, and I loathe myself for the anger I still harbor in my heart toward you. Will I ever get rid of it? Or is it destined to live in my heart like a poison waiting to seep into my bloodstream and strangle me?
I’m making myself a promise, making you a promise. This time next year I’ll be happy again. I’ll be doing a job I love, and I’ll be dating someone I genuinely care about. I’ll be going on double dates with Tilly and Jessie because I’ll have moved on, and maybe I’ll even find a way to fix things with Mom and Dad.
Okay, that last one is a lie. I’m not going to try with Mom and Dad. Bite me. They deserve every bit of my contempt, and if you don’t like it then you should convince God to rewind time, so your dumb ass doesn’t get yourself killed. I gotta run. But just know that I’m going to make you proud.
-Arch