Chapter Twenty-eight
An hour later, Ella and I say goodbye to Victor, who tells us it’s no problem to pick us up later, as long as we’re not going clubbing. I laugh at that. Part of me feels too old to go clubbing, and the other part of me has absolutely no desire to. That said, things are different here in Costa Rica. It’s not an overpriced club like in Glasgow or London, although those do exist, particularly in Jaco, but that’s a good hour and a bit from here. Down at the beach, cheerful bars and an eclectic mix of restaurants line the boulevard. Ella and I link arms and traipse into the Sunset Bar, although sunset has been and gone. Ella promised me the cocktails are exquisite. It’s not my aim to get blinding drunk, but nicely tipsy sounds like a plan. I haven’t managed to make any decisions sober, so maybe with a little alcohol inside me to loosen me up, I’ll be able to think straight– ironic though that may seem– or at the very least I’ll be able to be honest with myself.
Once I’ve procured a coco loco for me and a jaguar colada for Ella, we find a table outside. It never ceases to amuse me how many Costa Ricans, and those who live in warm countries, choose to sit inside, when all we Brits want to do is have decent enough weather to sit outside, so I take the opportunity as often as I can. We’re not so far from the beach that I can’t hear the lapping of the waves, a sound that usually soothes me.
Ella’s eyes are on mine. She knows something is up and it’s as if she’s silently communicating with me to open up. But where to start? With Dexter’s impending fatherhood, the fact I’ve been offered a place at university or that I am having a crisis over whether to leave my adopted home and return to Scotland to study veterinary medicine?
I drain my cocktail and catch the eye of a passing barman. ‘Ella?’
She shakes her head, indicating her almost full one.
‘Same again, please,’ I say to the barman. When he looks at me blankly, I pick up my glass and laugh, suddenly realising how ridiculous it is to ask for the same again when the glass is empty. I scrunch up my eyebrows. ‘Coco loco.’
The waiter smiles then inclines his head towards Ella as if to suggest it’s not only the ‘coco’ that’s ‘loco’ but her drinking partner too. I have to admit, I’m feeling pleasantly merry, if not exactly nuts, after my first cocktail. What is it they say? Alcohol enhances your mood. Whilst mine isn’t exactly maudlin today, I am resigned perhaps, or pissed off, or at best upset.
My second cocktail swiftly appears and I lean over it, aware that Ella’s gaze is still on me.
I raise my eyes to hers. ‘Everything’s a mess.’
She sits up a little straighter in her chair. ‘What’s wrong?’
I exhale from deep within my lungs then count off on my fingers. ‘I love Dexter and was about to tell him so when his ex-girlfriend showed up. I love it here, in Costa Rica, at the sanctuary. However, I’ve always wanted to be a vet, and now I’ve been accepted to a course, in Scotland, that will allow me to pursue that dream.’
I pause for breath. ‘Oh, and Maite just happens to be pregnant.’
Ella frowns and then her eyes widen. ‘What? And you think it’s his baby?’
I shake my head. ‘No, Ella, I know it’s his baby. He’s going with her to the scan. I overheard him saying to Carlos, and he mentioned something about “father”. It doesn’t take a genius…’
Ella bites her lip, and I feel bad for having unburdened myself to her. She’s only young. She doesn’t need to be involved in the mess that is my life, but somehow she always seems a wise head on young shoulders, and she always has my back, as do the others. Well, except Roisin, and even she mellowed after the almost-drowning incident.
I can see the cogs in Ella’s brain whirring as she frantically searches for another reason why Dexter might be going for a scan with Maite, and why he might have said ‘father’. She looks pained, and as if she’s scrabbling for an answer. Finally, she says, ‘Even if it is his baby, that doesn’t necessarily mean things are over between you.’
I arch an eyebrow and Ella deflates before my eyes. She has nothing. She knows, as I do, that this is it. I wouldn’t say it has all been for nothing, as I have so many amazing memories here, but is that all I want? Memories? Or do I want to stay here and continue working at the sanctuary?
‘What’s your heart telling you to do?’ Ella asks after studying me for a moment.
‘Nothing,’ I mope. ‘It’s broken.’
Ella leans across the table and takes my hands in hers. ‘Dexter is another issue. What’s your heart telling you about here? The sanctuary? The sloths? Us?’
I swallow for a second. Was it my imagination or did she pack so much significance into that last word? It hits me that Ella is like a little sister to me. That’s it. I feel part of a family here, like I haven’t done since Dad passed. Mum and I have always been at loggerheads, but never more so than since Dad died, and now with the whole Aidan debacle, it’s hard to see us ever reconciling properly, or returning to a place where we’re truly there for each other. But here, I have so many possibilities. Sofia is almost like a replacement mum, one who doesn’t choose my controlling ex over me; Victor is the uncle figure; Ella the little sister; and Mariangeles and Federica are like my older sisters. Tears sting my eyes and I’m unable to speak for a long moment. Finally, the pressure in my throat subsides and despite my voice cracking, I manage to speak.
‘I love it here. I love being with you all, and frankly this feels like home more than home does, even though I miss my best friend Becca.’
She nods at this, but says nothing more, willing me to go on. ‘But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay here surrounded by Dexter every day, possibly seeing Maite and their baby now and again.’
Ella bites her lip but again says nothing, so I sigh and continue as a thought strikes me. ‘Perhaps this is the universe’s way of telling me I’m supposed to take up this place at university. Maybe it knew I’d struggle with the dilemma and is thus making the decision easier for me.’
Ella nods slowly. ‘Perhaps. But, Kat, I believe that we make our own decisions. I think you should talk to Dexter to have a full picture, then you need to make a list, mental or written, of the pros and cons of staying in Costa Rica or going back to Scotland. Plus, you realise we have universities here too? You should look into whether there are any suitable courses.’ She pauses for a second. ‘I’ll be gutted to lose you if you go, but ultimately, you need to do what’s best for you. If returning to Scotland and keeping in touch by email, and the odd visit back to see us, hopefully, is what you need, then that’s how it has to be.’
I study Ella. ‘You know, for someone so young, you’re incredibly astute.’
She smiles. ‘Yeah, I get that a lot. Old before my time.’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘That’s not how I see it. You see people, you get them, and you dispense advice very well.’
Truth is, I bonded immediately with Ella. She’s the youngest of the girls, but the most switched-on and scholarly. She reminds me of a younger me, although hopefully, unlike me, she’ll get the qualifications she needs first time around.
I draw myself up, as if mentally preparing myself. ‘Anyway, do you want another drink?’ I motion to her empty glass.
‘Sure. Same again.’
I order some more drinks from the barman, then turn to Ella and say, ‘Enough about my drama, tell me, has Alejandro asked you out yet?’
Her eyes widen and I chuckle inwardly. Even if my life’s a mess, I like to think I’m concerned enough about my friends to ensure their love lives are on track, and you’d have to be blind not to have noticed the longing looks passing between those two. In fact, I’m flabbergasted Mariangeles and Federica haven’t picked up on it.
An hour later, we decide we’ve had enough to drink, but I’m not quite ready to go home just yet and I don’t think Ella is either. Home. I thought home. Not sanctuary, even though it is for me as well as the sloths, I think, not missing the irony. Well, it was, until all this drama unfolded. But is that a sign? Should I be listening to my Freudian slip? Is Costa Punta my home?
Feeling a little unsettled still, I say to Ella, ‘Why don’t we go for a walk before we call Victor? It’s so beautiful here.’ Secretly, I’m also thinking if I do decide I should return to Scotland, then I need to make the most of every opportunity to soak up what this wonderful country has to offer. And I know exactly where I want to go.
‘Ella, let’s walk along the beach.’
Ella arches an eyebrow. ‘In the dark?’
I smile. ‘It won’t be completely dark.’ She frowns, incomprehension crossing her face. ‘You’ll see,’ I say cheerily.
We pay the bill and head down to the beach. As we leave the promenade and take off our sandals, threading our fingers through the straps, I revel in the sensation of the sand between my toes. It’s like powder and so soft we almost slip our way to a more stable part where it’s easier to walk. Once we’ve left the bright lights of the promenade, our eyes adjust to the darkness and then as we round the bend, the bioluminescence stretches out before us in all its glory. I glance at Ella, and see her lips form ‘Wow’, which makes me chuckle.
‘Ella, have you never been here?’
Slowly, she shakes her head. ‘No. I usually go to one of the other beaches. It’s so busy here during the day.’
‘And you’ve never been here at night?’
‘Well, yes, but I’ve never come onto the beach. And you can’t see this from the bar.’
As I look back, I discover she’s right. I didn’t think about that when I was first here, with Dexter. My throat is dry as I try to push past that thought. We stand together, marvelling at the glow from the bioluminescence. Spectacular is the only word for it. I could never regret coming to Costa Rica, no matter what happens. I would never have seen this. A lump forms in my throat, and this time it has nothing to do with Dexter. I wish Dad could have seen this. He’d have loved it. I wrap my arms around myself, hugging myself. One of the things you miss most about not having close family or a partner is those simple human touches. A hug to tell you everything will be OK. Although, I remind myself, I’m lucky to have the girls here, as they are big huggers. A wry smile crosses my lips, but a shout breaks me out of my reverie. Ella and I whirl round at the same time in the direction of the voice. To my horror, Dexter is making his way towards us, with Maite in tow.
‘Ella, I need to use the ladies, desperately. Can you meet me back on the promenade once you’ve spoken to them?’
Ella is no fool, but my eyes beseech her and she nods, then I hightail it back towards civilisation and the café. I’m not strong enough to face Dexter, nor Maite, not when I’m feeling as raw as I am. Maybe Dexter has brought loads of girls here. What a fool I was to think I was different.