Chapter Thirty
At breakfast, Dexter catches my eye when he walks into the room, then drops a kiss on my head as is his norm of late. I stiffen and his hands move from my shoulders as if I’ve given him an electric shock.
He swings a chair round to face me and says, ‘Hey, how come you ran off last night?’
No matter that he’s just being a good friend to his ex-girlfriend, is he really so clueless that it wouldn’t occur to him that I’d get the wrong end of the stick or that I’d be hurt, or might require an explanation prior to him going out all evening and night with his pregnant ex? Particularly given the conversation we’d been in the middle of when we were interrupted by her pulling up in her car.
‘How’s Maite?’ I ask in as restrained a manner as I can. Although I know I’m the one who will be backpedalling shortly, my mood hasn’t altered enough not to be a tad snippy still.
He smiles. ‘She’s good. Looking forward to having her baby.’
Immediately, I note his usage of ‘her baby’.
‘How far along is she?’
‘Twenty-eight and a half weeks. Don’t forget the half, she told me.’ He grins.
I force my tone to remain neutral. ‘So, was it a shock her appearing here, pregnant?’
His brow furrows. ‘It was kind of a shock her turning up at all, pregnant or not. I knew she’d been seeing someone, but I didn’t realise it was so serious. And she never mentioned in any of her texts that she was pregnant. I guess she wanted to tell me face to face.’
‘Or show you,’ I mutter under my breath, thinking of how obvious it was the moment she stepped out of her car.
Dexter’s brow furrows deeper. ‘Is something wrong, Kat?’
I sigh. ‘Can we talk later? I don’t want to discuss it here, and we do need to finish our chat.’
‘Right. Sorry, I got so swept up in Maite’s sudden appearance, I wasn’t thinking straight. So much so, I left my phone here in the canteen, too. I couldn’t even text you yesterday. Then when I saw you and Ella on the beach, it was like providence.’
Not from where I was standing it wasn’t; it was torture. Before I knew he wasn’t the baby’s father, naturally.
I wait to see if he answers my original question. Eventually, he cottons on to the fact that I’m looking at him expectantly.
‘Yeah, sure, I have a meeting with Carlos after breakfast, but let me come find you straight after.’
When he leaves, I pick at the breakfast Federica has set in front of me, although I don’t taste a single bite of what I manage to swallow.
After breakfast, I head off with the girls to carry out our morning chores caring for the sloths, doing admin and ordering in medical supplies. However, before we can go our respective ways, Mariangeles tugs on the hem of my shirt. ‘What are you going to do?’
When I shoot her a quizzical glance, she says, ‘Now you know Dexter’s not the father. Does that change things for you about returning home?’
‘I already accepted my place.’
‘And?’ Mariangeles prods. I know she means it in the way of ‘so what, that doesn’t matter, you can email them and tell them you’ve changed your mind’, but I choose to be obtuse and say, ‘And booked my flight.’
She tuts, clearly not impressed at my deflection and swats a hand through the air. ‘Details.’
I feel myself visibly deflate in front of her. If I deflate any further, I’ll be like a tyre that reversed over a six-inch nail. It’s not lost on me that much of this mess is of my own making. I’m not denying responsibility, but I do wish life had dealt me a different set of cards, and the ability to think things through before doing anything rash. Like accepting a place at uni or booking a flight home without discussing it with my boyfriend first.
Mariangeles grabs me by the forearms and looks intently into my eyes. ‘Kat, do what makes you happy, but really think about it. And know that we all consider you family.’
‘You’re not making this any easier, you know,’ I say with a wry smile.
She beams. ‘I wasn’t trying to. I don’t want you to go, but if this is what you need to do, do it. But first, you need to have that chat with Dexter.’
The blood drains from my face as I reflect on what that will entail. ‘I know. Mariangeles, do me a favour and keep me busy, talk to me about anything except me and Dexter until he comes looking for me. I feel as if my head is about to go boom.’ I splay my hands to show exactly what would happen to my head.
She takes me by the elbow, steering me towards the nursery. ‘Luciana has gone home as her mother isn’t too well, so we’re on nursery duty.’
I don’t know whether this is the best task ever or if I’m likely to bawl my eyes out and become a snotty mess at the thought of having to leave the baby sloths in a week. Dig deep, Kat.
Steeling myself, I follow Mariangeles to where Carlos is surveying Zoom. Oh crap, I haven’t told Carlos yet, and I didn’t tell the girls not to tell anyone, although I’m sure they won’t. But now I feel awful that I’ve told them, when I haven’t even told Carlos I’m possibly leaving in a week.
I think of the British Airways e-tickets in my phone and am overcome with guilt.
‘Morning, girls. How are you today?’ Carlos asks as he makes notes on one of the sloths’ charts.
‘Good, thanks,’ I manage. Liar.
Mariangeles provides a more involved response, asking how Zoom is doing and who Carlos thinks will be next to be released into the wild. They chat for a few minutes then Carlos takes his leave as he says he’s meeting Dexter.
Mariangeles and I go through the motions of checking on the sloths. Well, I go through the motions, doing everything automatically. Mariangeles is probably showing her usual care and attention. We chat about Costa Rica and Scotland as we feed the babies, not once mentioning Dexter, or the fact I may be returning home within a week.
Finally, the door opens and Dexter pops his head round, flashing me a huge smile, which makes my heart simultaneously do handsprings and sink like an anchor.
‘You got ten minutes?’
‘Yep.’ My voice comes out as a squeak.
He looks at me curiously, but his lips curl up at the edges. Oh crap. This is going to be harder than I thought.
We head through the foyer and out to the rear of the sanctuary, where we all sat around the firepit last night, except Dexter, who was still out on his nocturnal jaunt with Maite. And why were they out quite so late? I can’t help wondering indignantly.
‘I feel as if I haven’t seen you for ages.’ Dexter slips his arm around my waist and pulls me towards him for a kiss, but I pull back.
Hurt and confusion replace his smile and I feel bad that I’m the cause.
‘I think it’s best if we talk first,’ I say eventually.
We perch on a couple of chairs, noticeably not next to each other, but opposite. It’s almost like one of us is interviewing the other.
‘Kat, you clearly have something on your mind, and I don’t think it’s only your uni place, is it?’ Dexter says pointedly.
I rub my fingers through my hairline, something I do when I’m stressed. ‘No.’
Dexter waits patiently. I don’t think I can tell him now that I love him, although I do love him. So instead I blurt it all out, the raw, uncensored truth.
‘Yesterday afternoon, I had no idea whether to stay or go. Then Maite showed up, pregnant. I overheard you talking to Carlos about going to the scan. I heard you say “father” and assumed that meant you were the father.’ Heat creeps up my cheeks and I risk a glance up at Dexter.
His mouth forms an O, then a flash of anger crosses his face. ‘You thought… You thought I was the father? Do you really think I’d leave my pregnant ex-girlfriend to do all this alone?’
I shake my head vigorously. ‘No. Not that. Never that.’ I pause to regroup a second, droplets of perspiration trickling down my back. ‘I thought you didn’t know, and you were being presented with a “fait accompli” from a past lover.’
‘How very French,’ Dexter says drily. ‘Sorry to disappoint.’
I flinch at his snarky tone, but I’m determined to get this over and done with. Sure, he’s angry, but yesterday I was distraught and destroyed.
‘When you didn’t come back or contact me yesterday after Maite’s visit, I jumped to the wrong conclusion.’
‘I came looking for you, but I couldn’t find you.’ His eyes meet mine. ‘Wait. You really thought I was the father?’
I bite my lip then say, ‘Yep, and I was…’ gutted, desolate, lost, devastated ‘…confused.’
He quirks an eyebrow, but I hurry on. ‘I didn’t think I could stay here. I thought my position was now untenable. You’d have your ready-made little family unit, and I’d be surplus to requirements.’
Dexter places his hand over his jaw and mouth, almost as if he’s trying to hold the words back and his anger in check.
But there’s more. ‘I debated every scenario, every way, and I do mean every, that this…’ farce ‘…situation could have, and I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t come between you and Maite and the baby, and that the best thing was for me to return to Scotland.’
I pause. Dexter is looking at me intently. He lifts his chin slightly, an indicator I should continue.
I gulp then say, ‘I replied to the university, accepting my place.’
Dexter’s Adam’s apple bobs, but it’s the only outward sign he gives that he’s either not pleased at the news or that it surprises him.
I inhale a deep breath, as surreptitiously as I can, and say, ‘Then I booked a flight home. I leave next week.’
A pulse ticks in Dexter’s cheek, but he says nothing.
Eventually, my patience gives out. ‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’
He raises his eyes to meet mine, pain and anger vying for top billing. ‘I think you’ve already said everything, don’t you?’ He stands and without a backward glance strides off towards the sanctuary.