Chapter Thirty-Nine
But I can’t rush to Khoi immediately. I have to slay the dragon that is the Boston public transportation system.
First the red line is delayed by twenty minutes. Then my bus transfer at Porter Square gets held up by a passenger’s emotional support peacock that escapes its carrier. In retrospect, true love is probably worth calling an Uber for.
The Astors reside in Arlington, a suburb west of Cambridge. As I walk through the neighborhood, passing by these million-dollar homes on a sleepy street, I feel so out of place. Like a dandelion hiding in a field of daisies.
They’re in an adorable brick town house. White-picket fence, garden gnomes. It’s so quintessentially American.
I ring the doorbell. It sings through his house, shriller than I expected. Ugh. What if Khoi isn’t the one to answer the door? What if it’s his aunt or uncle? What if they think I’m not good enough for him? I’m suddenly struck by an urge to play ding-dong ditch.
But I force myself to keep my feet planted. I’m not going to run away anymore.
Seconds crawl by before the door opens.
When I see him, my breath catches.
Khoi looks better than he did yesterday. Healthier. Like he finally got a good night’s sleep. His black hair is shiny and the color has returned to his face. He’s beautiful, but of course, he always is.
He rubs his eyes like he’s not sure his vision is working right. “Char? How did you find this place?”
“It’s on your prescription labels.” I hadn’t meant to memorize the address, but somehow it had carved itself into my mind anyway. Like so many other Khoi-related facts.
We sit on the steps in the bright sun. There’s so much to say but I don’t know where to start. On the bus ride over I had this entire monologue I was trying out in my head, but now that he’s here, it’s completely dissolved on my tongue.
So what comes out isn’t a gorgeous, heart-wrenching declaration of love. It’s “I’m not going to sign with Edvin.”
I wasn’t totally sure what I was going to do until right this moment, but now that the words have left my mouth, it feels like the obvious choice.
The only choice. I’ve already wasted too much of my life with trash dudes, forcing myself to tolerate their shit because I needed something from them.
I don’t want to spend another second doing that.
Khoi doesn’t seem surprised.
“Yeah, I was wondering if you saw the news,” he says. “My uncle is pissed since the Nilsens are a major donor to his university. It’s pretty terrible what Nexus is doing.”
“Did you know about that before?”
He leans backward, shifting his weight onto his hands. “There were always whispers.” I suddenly remember that Obi had mentioned something similar during the opening ceremony, which feels like a lifetime ago.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He sighs. “You seemed to really look up to him. I didn’t want to take that away from you if the rumors weren’t confirmed.”
“They’re confirmed now. I realized he was using me as a PR stunt.” I try to sound breezy about it, but it doesn’t quite work.
“I’m so sorry, Char.” He starts to reach for me but then he hesitates, like he isn’t sure if he’s allowed to do that anymore.
So I pull the guy into a hug, tucking my face against his shoulder. The scent of sandalwood soap wraps around me like a blanket.
“It was just kinda nice to have someone like Edvin believe in me, I guess,” I say into his shirt. Embarrassingly, my voice cracks on the last syllable.
He strokes my hair, and there’s a shiver down my back.
“You don’t need him to believe in you. You’re amazing already.
Look at everything you did this summer, on top of all the crap you had to deal with.
The other campers didn’t go through half the stuff you did.
Like, I think Haru’s greatest challenge was finding a dispensary that would accept his fake ID. ”
The words are nice but I don’t know when I’m going to start truly, truly believing that in my bones. But Khoi makes me think that maybe I can get there someday.
I break away from the hug. I want to look him in the eyes when I say this next part.
He meets my gaze steadily.
“I love you,” I say. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier. I was scared and everything was a dumpster fire, and it felt like I’d gotten fucked over already by too many people who were supposed to love me. But I love you. Of course I do.”
He bites his lip. “You don’t have to…”
“No, I mean it. Those assholes… they’ve already taken too much away from me, you know? My pain, that’s between me and them. That’s got nothing to do with you. I can’t lose you because of their bullshit.”
Maybe I’ll never open that letter from my biological father. Maybe I’ll read it once and repurpose it as kindling for a bonfire. Or maybe I’ll reply to him—embrace my inner boomer and send something with an actual stamp. I don’t know.
But here’s what I do know. I can’t look at every boy and see someone else’s ghost.
“We must have a lot in common,” Khoi says. “Because I love me too.”
I shove him.
“Okay, okay! I also love you. But I said that yesterday!” He laughs, this bright, magnolia-yellow sound. “If you and your mom need a place to stay, you’re free to take our guest room for as long as you want. I’m serious.”
“We should be okay,” I say, thinking of Mom’s graduate school friend who offered to help. “But I’ll let you know if things change. Thank you. That’s really generous.”
“Yeah. Of course. Just… whatever you need.”
And I know exactly what I want from him. “Let’s be together,” I say before my brain gets in its own way. “Like, for real. I want to be your girlfriend.”
He hesitates. “Char, you’re in a vulnerable position right now.”
“You’re totally right,” I say. “My life is uncertain and I have no freaking clue where I’ll even be living next week. But I know I want you in it—all the mess, all the chaos.”
“Char,” he says again, pressing a hand to my cheek. His voice is like a promise. “If you’re sure about me, it would be an honor to join your chaos.”
My heart is giddy and wild and so, so full. “Khoi, you’re the one thing I am sure about.” And then I kiss him fiercely. He kisses me back and kisses me back and never pulls away. It feels like the truest thing in the world. It feels like home.