Chapter 36
thirty-six
SADIE
“You doing okay?” West asks me for the fifth time as we reach the door to Zach’s intensive care room. I nod, because nothing is going to stop me from walking in there and seeing Zach.
“Just to warn you, he’s a little beaten up. And attached to some monitors.” West fixes me with his gaze. “He’s awake. He’s been seen by the doctor, they still need to run more tests, but he’s conscious and that’s a good sign.”
I nod again, because I don’t trust myself to talk without crying. The doors to the room slide open and West steps back to let me inside.
I can’t see Zach at first. He’s surrounded by his family, who are talking as they hug him from various positions around his bed.
West clears his throat and they all look up. And like it’s been coordinated, they step back. “Coffee?” Hudson asks his siblings.
“Absolutely,” Autumn says, shooting me a soft gaze. “How are you doing? Want me to bring you a coffee too?”
“I’m good, thank you.”
It takes a moment, but they all hug Zach in turn and step away, walking out of the room. And then it’s just the two of us, and every emotion I’ve been suppressing rises up through me.
For this man who tried to save me. Who’s in a hospital bed because of my ex.
Even in a hospital gown, he still looks stupidly handsome. There’s a bandage on his head, and an oxygen line under his nose, and yet all I can see is the way he’s looking at me.
“Hi,” I whisper, stepping toward him. “How are you feeling?”
“Better now.” He gives me a smile. “You look so damn beautiful.”
I look down at my clothes. Or rather, Eden’s clothes. “I’m wearing sweats,” I say, a smile pulling at my lips.
“I know. But fuck, you’re gorgeous. Come here.” He reaches for me and I walk forward, until I’m standing over him. He reaches for me, his grip strong, his arm muscles hard as he wraps them around me. “Did he hurt you?” he whispers.
“No. Not like he hurt you.”
Zach lets out a breath.
“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” I bite my lip. “You wouldn’t be lying there if it wasn’t for me.”
He frowns. “Of course it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should have fucking seen him. It wasn’t even that dark.”
I blink. “You think this is your fault?”
“I know it is.”
I’m confused. I’m not gonna lie. “How the hell is it your fault that my idiot ex decided to hit you with a cast iron pan?”
He takes a deep breath, like my question physically hurts him. “Can you grab a chair?” he asks. “I need you to sit down.”
I do as he asks, but there’s a tightness in my chest. Like something is pushing at me. “What’s wrong?” I reach for his hand. “Did they find something in your tests?”
He shakes his head. But the relief is only momentary.
“I have something called Retinitis Pigmentosa. I’m losing my vision. It wasn’t caused by Darien, I’ve had it for a while. And it’s incurable.”
“What?” I lean forward, tears forming in my eyes. “I don’t understand.”
“Please let me explain it. Then you can ask questions.” He lets out a low breath. “I’m sorry. I know this is a lot.”
So I do as he asks, sitting silently as he talks, listening to him describing his vision loss, his visits to the doctor, the fact he’s kept this hidden from everybody but Wyatt for months.
And when he stops talking, the only sound in the room is the beeping of his heart monitor and the sound of blood rushing through my ears.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I ask him.
He winces. “I told myself it was because I needed to tell my family first.” Because it’s genetic, that’s what he said. “But I think also… I didn’t want you to look at me like you are right now.”
I blink. “How am I looking at you?”
“Like you feel sorry for me.”
A single tear escapes my eyes. “That’s because I am, you idiot.” And then I start thinking about the last few weeks. “When you hunted me through the forest. Did you know then?”
He nods.
“You could have hurt yourself. Run into a tree. Oh God, all this time…”
“And this is why I didn’t want you to know. Because I was fine. I know the forest. I grew up in it, I walked the path for three days. I’m not blind yet.”
My lip wobbles. He took three days out of his life to make sure everything was perfect? God, that kills me.
“But there’s something else,” he says. This time he doesn’t meet my eyes. “Because it’s genetic, there’s every chance if I have kids I could pass it on. I’m not willing to take that risk.”
I frown, not quite understanding him.
“So this thing between us,” he murmurs. “It was always going to be temporary. I can’t take having children away from you.”
And that’s when I realize that he thinks this is a deal breaker.
“What?” I ask, my mouth dropping open.
He recoils at my tone.
“Are you being serious right now?” I ask him. “You think I’d walk away because you can’t have kids?”
Zach swallows hard. I realize he’s still holding my hand. “I’m in love with you,” he tells me. “And I want you to have everything. A great life, a great husband, the ability to do whatever you want to do. Including having children, if that’s what you want.”
Tears start to spill down my cheeks. “No!” I say loudly. “No, you don’t get to tell me you love me then push me away. That’s not how this works. You can’t make me fall in love with you then tell me it’s over. You can’t.”
He winces like my words cause him physical pain. “There’s no cure for RP, Sadie. I’m going to get worse. There’s every chance that sometime in the future I won’t be able to do much without assistance. I can’t ask you to stay with me when that’s going to happen.”
I let out a sob. This hurts more than anything I can remember. More than Darien ever hurt me.
And I hate it.
“No,” I whisper. “I can’t lose you.”
He takes a deep breath, his hand squeezing mine tight.
“Please, just think about this. Think about the future you want. Think about whether you want to be with me while I’m going through this.
That’s all I ask you. Because if you want something different…
” his voice cracks. “Then I love you enough to let you go.”
I’m full on crying now. Stupid tears rolling down my face. “So that’s it?”
“That’s it.”
I pull my hand away. God, I hate how alone I feel. I hate how he looks, too, like he’s as hurt as I am.
And deep in my heart, I know it’s not his fault. None of this is. It’s nobody’s.
All I know is that I’ll never get over Zach Fitzgerald. And I don’t want to try.
“You should go home,” he says, his voice low. “Get some rest. It’s been a hell of a night.”
I let out a ragged breath. “You want me to leave?”
Finally his gaze locks on mine. “I think maybe you need to.”
“Okay.” I stand, wanting to kiss him. But also not wanting to. “I’ll be back later.”
“Only if you want to,” he says gently. “But if you don’t, that’s okay, too.”
And because I can’t let him see me fall apart any more than he already has, I nod and turn away, my face crumpling. I stride to the door, wait for it to open, and walk into the corridor, only collapsing onto a chair when the door to his room closes behind me.
ZACH
I watch as the door shuts, feeling sick to my stomach. It was the right thing to do, I know that, but fuck, my heart hurts a million times more than my head.
I hate that I made her cry. I hate this whole fucking situation.
But I can’t sugarcoat what I have in front of me. I’ll come to terms with it, yes. And I know it’s an impairment not a life sentence. But I can’t ask her to commit to me without thinking the situation through.
Leaning over, I press the call button, because I need the nurse to get my family back in here. I need them to be with Sadie. Much more than I need them to be with me. The memory of her face as I told her to leave is seared into my brain.
I love her so fucking much. And it’s killing me.
The door opens and I look up to ask the nurse to find Hudson, only to see Sadie standing there, in the doorway, looking furious.
I blink, because that’s so not what I expected her to look like. And yet it’s so completely her.
The woman who’s taken control of her life. And mine.
“You know what?” she asks, striding toward me.
“I’ve thought. And here’s what I think. You’re an idiot.
” She stands at the side of my bed, glowering down at me.
“For thinking I’m phased by your vision loss.
Or the fact you can’t have kids. Because I don’t care.
” She blinks. “Well I care, of course, about your sight. But I don’t care about the implications for me. I love you, you stupid dick.”
I can’t help it, I start to laugh. Not just because of her expression, but because she’s right. I am a dick.
“You want to know something else?” she asks, not pausing long enough for me to answer. “There’s some things I need to tell you about me, too. I’m a bitch when I’m premenstrual. My hair always clogs the drains. If I drink too much wine I fart constantly.”
Unexpected laughter rumbles through my chest.
“And let’s not talk about my chocolate addiction,” she continues.
“Or the fact that when it’s winter I can go weeks without shaving my legs.
Oh, and while we’re laying it all out, I should tell you that sometimes I drink out of the milk carton and put it back in the refrigerator, germs and all.
” She folds her arms across her chest. “And if you can live with those, then I can live with you, you idiot. Because that’s what relationships are.
They’re about facing problems together. About being each other’s best friend.
About going through the good times and the bad times together, no matter what.
” She takes a deep breath, still glaring at me. Like she’s challenging me to laugh.
“Are you done?” I ask her softly.
“I think so. For now. But I have to warn you, I have a ton more bad habits.” She wrinkles her nose. “I’ll make a list.”
I nod slowly. “Okay,” I say solemnly. “I can live with them all. Maybe apart from the wine-induced farting fits.”
Her lips twitch. “I really like wine.”
“Then I guess I’ll have to learn to be a mouth breather.
” I reach out my hand. A peace offering.
For the woman I love. Who by some damn miracle loves me back.
And when she takes it, I pull her closer, until her face is hovering over mine.
And I realize, one day I might not be able to see much of it.
But I’ll know it inside out. Deep in my heart, and everywhere else.
She’ll always be beautiful. And she’ll always be mine.
And isn’t that a fucking miracle of life?
“I love you,” I tell her. “So damn much.”
Her eyes sparkle like diamonds. “Then stop pushing me away. Because I’m not going anywhere.”
So I don’t. I reach for her instead. Pulling her close enough for our lips to brush against each other. For my hands to slide down her back as her arms wrap around my neck.
As we kiss, I realize that my life might not turn out how I thought it should. And there will be a hundred more hurdles along the way. But they won’t matter if we face them together. Because I love this woman and she loves me.
And I know for sure that I’ll never let her go.