Chapter 8
AJ
The sound of the monitor has kept a steady beat for the last hour.
I haven’t left his side this whole time.
When he fainted in the park, I rushed into fight mode, calling an ambulance.
I didn’t know what else to do. They asked me to recall what had happened.
I gave them a snippet of our conversation, and they said it sounded like a panic attack.
They told me not to worry. Not to worry?
I’ve just got my best friend back after eight years and now he’s got monitors beeping around him and a heart rate thing.
It may all be precautionary but my heart jams in my throat.
“H…H… Where am I?” His voice is weak, but it still startles me. I rush over to him and rub the back of his hand with my thumb.
“Hey, buddy.” The word doesn’t sound right, but I hurtle on, “You’ve had a bit of a fainting incident. You’re in the hospital, and you’re fine.”
He tries to sit up. I help him, and he mutters a form of thanks.
“How…how long was I out?”
“A whole week!”
“A week? I’ve missed the cup game! I need to g—”
I start laughing. “I’m kidding. You’ve been out for, like, an hour. You’re fine—you haven’t lost to my team yet, don’t worry.”
“You’re an ass!” he says with a bit more enthusiasm now.
“The same ass you called perfect last night?” I shoot him a wink.
“You’re still an ass,” he says, now smiling. “Thank you. For, well, looking after me.”
“No need to thank me, that’s what friends are for, right? To look after each other.”
“Yeah. Hey, um, you didn’t call my coach, did you?”
“I don’t have his number, sorry.”
“No, no, it’s good. I haven’t really told him—or, well, anyone—about my anxiety.
Hell, outside of my parents, no one knows.
” I see him contemplate something, sit up on his bed, and say, “I struggle with, well, most things. Not all the time, but sometimes. The crowd or a situation can cause my anxiety to swell, my vision to go dark, and then I faint. Remember in school when we had the MMR jabs?”
I nod to say I do, they were bloody awful.
“Well, I had to have mine in the medical room as I was panicking so much about it. At some point, I fainted, and my mum picked me up. I’ve managed to keep it mostly under control over the years, but anxiety and mental health can be a bitch, and I chose to be a footballer. So, now you know too.”
“I appreciate you telling me, and don’t worry, it doesn’t leave this room.”
“Thank you,” he says.
“Can I ask what brought it on, or is that a rude question?”
He chuckles. “It’s fine. But first you have to tell me, am I wearing a backless gown, because I need a piss.”
“I have no idea, but I’m gonna hope for yes.”
When they found out Kyle and I are professional footballers—thanks to YouTube highlights-—they gave us our own private room with an en-suite so we wouldn’t be disturbed by the press or the public. Kyle gets up with the help of my outstretched arm.
“Woah, look at those globes,” I say, letting out a whistle.
“Fuck off,” he replies with no malice at all.
“You know, I think this color palette suits you.”
“You mean white with blue triangles?”
“Yep, it really brings out your golden balls,” I say, smirking. He does his best to cover his package, but it only makes his ass jiggle. He still holds onto me, though, as I walk him over to the toilet.
“Now, if you need any help at all, let me know. That hose of yours is huge, it should be a two-person job hold—”
He shuts the door while giving me a one finger salute.
“Okay, golden balls, you don’t need to show me that finger again, I know where it went last night.”
I hear him laugh behind the door.
Just as he comes out, a nurse comes in with a clipboard.
“Is everything all right, Mr. Thurston?”
She’s a short lady with a kind face, weathered with age and a beautiful Yorkshire accent.
“Please, call me Kyle,” he says, as I help him back into the bed.
The nurse gives him a warm smile. “All right, love, first of all, you’re going to be fine.
Second of all, if you feel yourself getting stressed or anxious about anything—which I'm going to assume is quite often with your profession—” Kyle gives her a nod, and I give his hand a quick squeeze that goes unnoticed by her.
He squeezes my hand back, and I swear my heart literally flutters.
“Yes, second of all, lovie, when you feel the walls creeping in, think of something good. Think of something you want more than anything—something that brings you joy. I’m not saying it’ll work every time, but it has certainly helped me in the past. You can also keep some sour sweets on you; they help too.
One final suggestion is tight hugs,” she says and looks directly at me.
“Thank you. I appreciate that. Am I free to go?”
“Yes, just remember to drink lots of fluids too.”
Kyle and I exchange a look.
“I will be sure to do that at the next opportunity.” The flirty bastard actually has the gumption to wink at me. My cheeks burn red.
The nurse leaves us to it, and I plant a kiss on his forehead.
“Please don’t scare me like that ever again. Okay?”
“So, you were worried?”
“Understatement of the month, but okay. Of course, I was.” I hold both of his hands in my own. “I finally have my best friend back.” I rub my thumb on the back of his hand.
“Friend. Yes. But you know we can’t be anything more than that, don’t you?”
A thousand daggers in my heart. That’s what it feels like. I let out a shaky breath, “Yeah, of course. Friends, with some benefits, some of the time. I get it.”
“Good, as long as you understand.”
“I do.”
There’s so much more that I want to say, but what’s the point?
He’s made up his mind, and that’s always been that.
As soon as he gets something in his head, that’s it.
No changing it. The most stubborn guy I know hasn’t changed his colors.
I curse myself for thinking we could be more.
For wanting more. He’s right, and that’s the worst of it all.
A few days have passed since Kyle and I met up.
We exchanged our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch.
We have, but it’s been one-sided on my part.
I don’t know why I keep trying. I know I should give him space and that’s what I’m trying to do.
There’s another big game coming up. Right now, at this end of the season, every game is a huge game.
Gaffer is making us do double sessions in an effort to keep us match fit and sharp.
There’s a reason why this club is the best in the country and quickly becoming the best in the whole of Europe too.
I’m doing a cool down with one of the center backs when I see the assistant coach coming over.
I stand up and face him, showing him the proper respect our gaffer has instilled in us.
“Johnson, you’re on the bench for the next game.
Gaffer Elmstrom wants to utilize you as an impact sub.
When you come on, he wants you to drift into any open space and look for an opening. ”
“I can do that,” I say, full of confidence. It’s not the news I was hoping for, but it’s certainly a start.
I finish my cool down and head back to my house. The drive home is filled with thoughts of ways to make it into the first team permanently and with Kyle. Every thought always goes back to him.