CHAPTER 2
BEN
When I get home from the doctor’s office, only one of my two roommates is around.
“You said Holly Foster? Wait, does she have short brown hair? Cute face? Nice ass?” Jasper asks while his eyes stay locked on the TV. He bought some new video game that’s been taking up an unhealthy amount of his free time.
“Dude, that’s my donor you’re talking about … but yeah. Do you know her?”
He pauses his game, and I’m the lucky receiver of his full attention. “I think she’s the Holly in my digital marketing class. You said she’s an econ major, right?”
I nod.
“Well then, I think I know your donor.”
“That’s crazy. You have a fucking class with her? What’s she like?” I sit down heavy on the chair across from him. Lately, my body seems to tire out quickly, and when I get tired, I get cranky. I never used to be this weak.
Jasper grins like he’s remembering an inside joke. “Let’s just say, it’s a good thing I know what I’m talking about in that class.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He taps his controller on his chin for a second and then grins. “Okay, so a week ago, the professor gives us a topic to discuss. A few of us give some input. Then, Holly talks, and she’s got a great point, referencing the readings and everything. Then, right after her, this guy, who barely shows up to class anyway, basically repeats what Holly said, except he switches a few words around. Now, most people would just roll their eyes and let it go. But not Holly.” He pauses to chuckle, his gaze unfocused, like he’s watching it all play back.
Suddenly, I’m jealous. Jasper already has stories about this girl, and I’m not sure I’ve said more than ten words to her.
“So, what’d she do?”
“Oh hell, it was great. Holly stands up like she’s about to give a speech and says”—Jasper tries out a higher-pitched voice—“‘Excuse me, but no. We’re not doing this. You read the book, you come up with your own ideas, and you show up to class to talk about them. You do not take my words and pass them off as your own. Do the work; don’t try lying about it. Understood?’ Something like that. And she actually waited until the guy nodded his head!” Jasper is laughing for real now, and I can’t keep from smiling either. “The professor didn’t even know what to do. He just pretended like it hadn’t happened and moved on. But, yeah, don’t mess with Holly. She’s nice though.”
“How so?”
The girl he just described sounds more intimidating than nice.
“She lent me a pen one time when I forgot mine. And I’ve seen her explaining concepts to people when they seem lost. I think she only gets angry when people are being dicks.” Jasper appears thoughtful for a moment and then gives a firm nod. “I think you’ve got a good one. I can’t see Holly backing out of something. If she said she’d give you her kidney, then she meant it.”
The idea of her backing out didn’t even occur to me.
“Cool. That’s cool. So, do you know anything else about her?”
“Like what?” Jasper has his game back on, so I only have half of his attention, if that, which might work to my advantage.
“Uh, I guess other classes she might have? Or who any of her friends are? Does she have a boyfriend?”
Apparently, I’m shit at being subtle.
Jasper pauses his game and turns to fully face me. “You’ve gotta be kidding.”
I avoid his eyes. “Kidding you about what?”
“About what? You’re asking if this girl is off the market. So, tell me, Benny boy, do you have a boner for your donor?”
Jasper cackles at his own joke while I grimace. Partly because that joke is horrible, but also partly because I think he’s right.
“Just forget it.”
Game back on, attention off me. “Yeah, right. And I have no idea. I’ve got one class with her. I don’t know her whole life story.”
“Thanks.” As I head to the stairs, I hear him call after me.
“My marketing class is Thursday morning in Huntsman Hall. Ends at nine a.m. Just FYI.”
The dream always begins the same way.
The door looms tall before me.
I reach up, turn the knob, and push. The hinges squeak as the door swings wide, revealing the dark room beyond. My feet move forward on their own.
Everything in the room is familiar. The worn dresser cluttered with knickknacks and jewelry. The ironing board pushed off into the corner. The large bed with its simple wooden headboard. This is Grams’s room. A place to snuggle for bedtime stories or to find comfort after bad dreams. She should be asleep here, in her bed.
Someone is under the covers, but when I pull the sheet back, it’s not my grandmother.
It’s Marcus.
My brother lies still, lids closed, like he’s sleeping, but his chest doesn’t rise. I put my hand on his shoulder and find him ice-cold.
The darkness around me shifts and moves, closing in on us. Marcus begins to sink into the bed, as if the mattress were quicksand. He’s disappearing from my sight, and he doesn’t respond when I scream his name.
There’s a pressure at my back, pushing me toward the sinkhole in the bed where my brother has vanished. Terror seeps from the black space.
I turn away, looking for the door. It stands there, closed again.
With fear scraping its way down my spine, I run. The darkness slows my legs, pulling me back, but I push my way through. My fingers clasp the doorknob, wrenching with a mighty tug—
I’m awake.
I gasp and pant, trying to slow down my breathing. My shirt is soaked through with sweat, sticking to me. I shiver uncontrollably.
“Just a dream … just a dream … just a dream …” I mutter the words. A mantra to slow down my frantic heart and to push the terror from my mind.
I know I shouldn’t call him. Sleep is so important for him. But I need to hear his voice or else the panic won’t leave. The hardwood next to my bed is cool on the early fall night, and my fingers slide over the floor until they grasp my phone. My thumbs tremble as I type in the number I know by heart.
“Holly?”
A sigh flows out of me, taking with it most of the tension in my stiffened muscles. “Yeah, it’s me. Sorry to call so late. I just …”
“Are you okay?” My brother’s voice, which started out as a sleepy slur, now sharpens to full awareness.
“Yeah. It was the nightmare. I just needed to make sure you were okay.”
“I thought you stopped having that dream.”
Marcus spent plenty of nights comforting me when I was a kid. Seems things haven’t changed much.
“I thought so, too. Guess it wasn’t done with me though.”
A sigh drifts from his end of the line. “You need to stop putting all this pressure on yourself. This exchange won’t go like the last ones. And, if it does, we’ll get through it.”
“Yeah, okay. I’m okay.” The words sound false to my own ears, but I let the lie go. Marcus should be sleeping, not reassuring me that a dream isn’t real when I already know that. “I’m gonna let you get back to bed. Sorry I woke you.”
“It’s going to be fine. I’m doing okay. Stop worrying. I love you, sis.”
“Love you, too, bro.”
“Night.”
“Night.”
After he hangs up, I shut down my own phone. Luckily, in my loft, my clothes are all an arm’s length away, so it’s no trouble to shuck off my damp shirt and grab a clean one. The dry fabric does a great deal to help distance me from my former terror.
I snuggle back into my mattress, pulling my blankets up to my chin. “Just a dream.”
The claim might work better if it were true. Why my brain chooses to morph the events of that night from my childhood is a question for a therapist.
I should be heading to my car, not to Huntsman Hall. But my feet said a big screw you to that, and now, I’m walking in the opposite direction. Straight toward the girl I haven’t been able to get out of my head.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
It hasn’t even been a week since we met at Dr. Williams’s office.
I haven’t texted Holly to see if she wants to hang out.
She doesn’t know that I know she’s in this class.
I’ve made it to the front of the building when the full weight of my weirdness registers.
What is wrong with me? When did I turn into a stalker?
I turn to head back the way I came and make it two steps before someone shouts my name. I’m caught, betrayed by my own.
“Benny! Look who I found!”
There’s no question in my mind who’s going to be next to my overly helpful friend when I shift to meet his grinning face. There, walking at his side, is Holly Foster, organ donor and unhealthy crush of mine. Luckily, she doesn’t appear creeped out by my sudden appearance. Instead, she wears a small smile as her eyes travel between Jasper and me, like she’s trying to figure us out.
“Aren’t you glad I told you to meet me here? I was totally right. I have class with your Holly.” Jasper gives a dramatic flourish of his hands, as if he were a magician introducing his assistant.
“I didn’t call you my Holly.”
I need to get new friends.
She just chuckles and shakes her head, making her soft brown hair swish against her cheeks.
“Well, I’ll leave you two. I’ve got ten minutes to make it across campus.” Jasper waves before sprinting off, leaving me standing awkwardly with my hands in my pockets while Holly watches me.
“You’re really uncomfortable right now, aren’t you?”
Her question takes me aback, and I fumble on a response. “What? Me? No. Of course not. I’m so comfortable right now. I’m practically a Lay-Z-Boy recliner.”
And I’m also an idiot.
She laughs. “Oh, Ben. I knew it.”
“Knew what?” I brace myself.
“You’re weird.”
Holly is full-on grinning at me now, and it’s hard not to smile back when she gazes up at me with that joyful expression on her face.
“I’m not weird.” There’s no conviction behind my words because they’re definitely a lie.
“Oh, sorry. My mistake. You’re totally normal, and you did not just compare yourself to furniture.” She’s still staring up at me, clearly enjoying herself.
And, suddenly, I want to be weird. I want to be so weird for her.
“Not just any furniture. A Lay-Z-Boy. That’s a high-quality chair. Someone weird would pick a crappy piece of furniture, like a desk.”
Holly breaks then. One hand on her hip, the other covering her mouth, she lets her laughter spill out, and the sound is something I could get drunk off of. I step in closer, so I can soak up as much as possible.
“So weird. I love it.” She shakes her head, eyes squinting with her smile. “So, you decided to ambush me, huh?”
Ashamed, I hang my head, maybe putting on a bit of a show for some sympathy. She gives my shoulder a light shove, and I have to fist my hands in my pockets, so I don’t grab her wrist to pull her in closer.
“Don’t worry. I’m not mad.”
“Yeah, sorry. Jasper said you were in his class. And I guess I just wanted to see you again, so I thought casually dropping by would be the cool thing to do. But, now, I’m realizing it’s more stalkery.”
“Well, as long as you realize that. And you seem sorry, so I’ll forgive you.”
Holly steps closer to me, and I get teased with the scent of her perfume. It’s kind of sweet, like honeysuckles. I breathe deeper.
“So, do you want to do something? My next class isn’t for a few hours.”
She’s asking me to hang out. Hell, I want to say yes so badly. A normal guy could.
But I’m weird. It burns in my stomach that I only got these few short minutes with her.
“I want to, but I’ve got somewhere to be soon. Can I take a rain check?”
Please say yes. Please say yes.
She doesn’t answer right away. Instead, her eyes travel down to where I’m unconsciously rubbing my knuckles on my forearm. I stop the moment I realize it but not before Holly’s face shows understanding.
“You have a dialysis treatment?”
I get over my surprise fast when I remember that her brother probably has a fistula in his arm in the exact same place I do. Holly obviously knows the basics of treatment for kidney failures.
“Yeah, I’m supposed to be there in twenty minutes. So, about that rain check—”
“I’ll go with you.”
My mouth hangs open for a second, and then I shut it fast when I realize how stupid I must look. “Go with me?”
“Yeah. If you want some company?”
She stares up at me with those fucking adorable brown eyes, and all I can think about is being alone with her for an extended period of time. But a dialysis treatment isn’t like grabbing a cup of coffee.
“You know it takes three hours, right? Just sitting there.”
Her smile heats my chest—and maybe some other places.
“I know. Marcus was always bored out of his mind, so I went with him a lot. Just so he’d have someone to talk to or play a card game with or something. Do you get bored?”
Hell yeah, I do. Sometimes, I want to peel my skin off; I’m going so crazy from sitting in that chair with the needles in my arm.
“Yeah. I usually just watch TV or try to study. But, if you want to entertain me, then be my guest.”
That earns me another grin. I’m about to keep a tally of all the times I’ve made her smile because each one makes me feel like a badass standing on the gold medalist podium after an Olympic game.
I indicate the direction of my car, and we start walking.
Three hours with Holly Foster. My day just got interesting.
When we reach Ben’s SUV, he tries to act like a gentleman and open the passenger door for me. Instead, while he’s distracted, I climb into the driver’s seat. He leans down to peer at me through the car with a baffled look. That expression, paired with the sight of his glasses sliding down his nose, is so endearing; I can’t help my grin.
“Sorry, Ben. I never ride in a car I’m not driving. But look at it this way; now, you have a chauffeur!”
I pat the passenger’s seat in an enticing manner. Hopefully, he’s not the type to make a stink over this. It might seem like a joke, but I am completely serious.
Ben slides in and hands over the keys. “You’d better have a stellar driving record.”
“The only tickets I’ve gotten are parking. But that’s Philly. I’m pretty sure they change the rules overnight without telling anyone.”
This city is hell for people who own cars. I’m all about public transportation.
“Fine. But I get to DJ.”
He reaches for the preprogrammed buttons, and I wonder what’s going to come out of the speakers. Is he a hard rock, screamo kind of guy? Or maybe he’s got a bit of country in him. He could be top forty or gospel. Punk? Jazz? R Marcus was there, and I had my own room. But neither come close to this towering townhouse.
My brother would probably love this place, maybe even try to design something similar. Me, I’m a little overwhelmed. Should’ve just stuck to one room or one floor. Piling it all together at once is like trying to read an entire textbook in one sitting.
I let my thoughts trail off at the sound of the glass doors opening. Dr. Stevens steps out to join me, and we gaze across the top of the city.
“They really have a great view here.” I gesture to the sight, as if he needed any help in finding the sprawling scene.
“Mmhmm.” He glances over at me. I’m not sure what he sees, but he gives me a kind smile and a pat on the shoulder. “They’re nice people.”
From what I can tell, he’s right. And that’s a good thing because it means Fred is probably nice, too. Less likely to have a change of heart. The exchange shouldn’t be in jeopardy.
I want to be friends with Ben and Fred. Friendships connect you. And they’re easy. Uncomplicated.
That’s all I want. No flutters. No sparks.
Just friends.
Dr. Stevens clears his throat and turns to leave. “Ben has started his treatment. You’re good to join him whenever you’re finished exploring.”
I follow after him. “I’ll walk you out.”
“Oh, you don’t need to do that.”
“It’s no problem. I’ve got to grab something anyway.”
Holly passes by my room with only a quick wave as she and Dr. Stevens head down the hall.
Is she leaving? Without even saying good-bye?
That doesn’t make any sense. She offered to come. And we took my car.
Tubes stick into my arm, holding me in the chair. I want to rip them out and follow her.
For a moment, I seriously consider it.
But what if I do and then find she’s just in the bathroom? How crazy will I look if I stop my treatment right after I started just because I want to know where she is?
So, instead, I clench my teeth and turn the TV to some random channel. At least, this way, I won’t look like I’ve been sitting in silence, waiting for her to come back. If she comes back.
A few loud thumps echo up the hallway. Then, moments later, Holly stumbles through the doorway, hauling one of the large padded chairs from my parents’ dining room table. Apparently, she carried the thing up the flight of stairs because, being the horrible host that I am, I forgot there was nowhere else to sit in this room.
Except for my lap, which I would’ve been happy to offer up.
“Shit, Holly. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I forgot another chair.”
She flinches, and I wonder if I hurt her feelings. But then she gives me a sweet smile, and I’m back to admiring her mouth.
“You kidding me? This worked out perfectly. Now, I don’t have to lift weights today.” Holly arranges the chair, so she can see both me and the TV before settling into it. “Oh, good. You’re not a show-er.”
I glance at my fly and then back at her with a raised eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Oh gosh, not like that! I mean—and please don’t take this the wrong way—I’m glad you covered your arm.” She gestures to the cloth I have draped over my forearm where I’m hooked up.
Embarrassment makes my neck itch as I nod stiffly in understanding and avoid her eyes. I wish Holly weren’t seeing me here, in this chair, dependent on a machine.
She grips my free arm. “Ben! I told you not to take it the wrong way! It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s all me.”
When I glance up, she’s pressing a palm against her chest, eyes begging me to understand. But I don’t.
“It’s just that, ever since I was a kid, I’ve had this irrational fear of needles. Seriously, they freak me out. So, the less I see of them, the better.” She gives a gentle shudder.
“But you said you went to your brother’s treatments all the time.”
“Yeah. I’d cover my eyes till they were done sticking him. Marcus would always warn me.”
I watch as she chews on her bottom lip, eyes unfocused.
“But there were some people who just had their arms out in the open for everyone to see. And that’s totally fine. They shouldn’t have to cover up if they don’t want to. But I just couldn’t look around while I was there.”
“How’s that going to work with the testing? They have to draw your blood all the time. And then there’s the surgery.”
She gives me a small shrug before she answers, “Yeah, I know. I’ll just deal with it when the time comes.”
I’m an even bigger leech than I thought. Not only am I asking Holly to give me her organ, but I’m also making her repeatedly live through her fear. My stomach twists, and she must catch some of the self-disgust on my face because she gives my shoulder a pat before leaning back in her chair.
“Don’t worry about it. That’s future Holly’s problem.” Before I can push her on it, she changes the subject. “So, home makeover shows are how you distract yourself, huh?”
Not wanting to upset her, I let my worries go for the moment and follow the direction of her eyes. Apparently, the random channel I picked was HGTV, and there’s a couple on the screen, having a meltdown about wallpaper.
“You know it. Love the subplot.”
“Subplot?” She grins at me, obviously seeing right through my serious tone.
“Oh, yeah. See, most viewers think this is about two happy people finding their dream home together.”
“And it’s not?”
“Oh, no. That’s just what the producers tell them to get them on the show. I know the truth. What’s really going on.” I’m using my intense conspiracy voice, and Holly plays right along.
“Well, now, you have to tell me.”
I lean in close, mock whispering, “It’s marriage Hunger Games. They’re lucky if they make it out alive. And without a divorce.”
She snorts out a laugh, eyes crinkled, fist against her mouth, like she’s trying to stifle the noise. I want to see what she looks like when it breaks free.
“See? I was right.” Her smile is triumphant.
“About what?” I can feel the grin creeping across my face.
“You’re weird.” She shakes her head, still smiling, and then tucks her legs into a crossed formation, balancing on the seat, as if she were on a yoga mat. “So, you said just your parents live here, right?”
I nod.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Nope. I’m an only child.”
“Oh no. I guess that means you’re a spoiled brat, huh?”
“Of course not. I just know that I’m always right, and everyone else thinks I’m the greatest thing that’s ever walked this earth.”
“Wow. How have you remained so modest?”
“It’s definitely a struggle, seeing as how I’m totally awesome. But I manage.”
We’ve both got straight faces, but I notice hers start to crack.
“I wouldn’t want you to strain yourself.”
“Only a normal person would strain themselves. Luckily, I am abnormal.”
That does her in. Holly covers her face as the giggles spill out. She’s still holding herself back, but I’m getting closer.
Once she calms down, she starts digging deeper. “Okay. Real question though. So, if you can have this whole setup in the house, why haven’t you gone to peritoneal dialysis?”
Back on my kidneys again. At least, when Holly asks me questions, all I pick up on is genuine curiosity, not morbid pity. And it’s a valid question. Peritoneal is more portable and can happen while I’m sleeping. If I had the choice, I’d switch to it in a second.
“I tried, but I kept getting infections. So, it just made me sicker. This works best for me. And, besides, now, I get to sit around for hours at a time. It’s the American dream.” My joke falls flat, only earning a polite smile from Holly.
What I wouldn’t give to not have to be reminded of my physical failures almost every day of the week.
“Do you mind …” Holly hesitates before going on. So far, she hasn’t seemed like someone who’d censor herself, and I’m not disappointed. “Can I ask how you ended up on dialysis?”
I don’t talk about it much. But again, Holly looks at me in a different way than everyone else. Others tend to stare at the machine like it’s a magnet, even when I’m having a conversation with them. Holly waits for my answer, eyes on my face. It’s refreshing and disconcerting at the same time.
Then, there’s the fact that she’s my cure. She deserves to know how I got sick.
“Have you ever heard of the Pacific Crest Trail?”
At her eyebrow raise, I can tell she’s got an idea about it.
“I saw that movie Wild with Reese Witherspoon. About the woman who hiked on her own. Are you saying you did that?”
She seems impressed, but before she can build up an image of me in her mind, I set the record straight.
“That was my plan. Fred and I were supposed to go after my freshman year of college. We were actually both putting off college for at least a semester to do the whole thing.”
That was one of the worst fights I’d ever had with my parents, and I’m pretty sure Fred’s mom cried for a week straight when he told her.
“Then, he broke his ankle and had to back out at the last minute. I’d been planning everything for months, so I decided to go alone.” Didn’t know how much that decision would change my life. “I hiked for three weeks before I started having this really bad pain. It was a kidney stone.”
She gives a sympathetic wince.
“The next town was days away, and with the pain, it was hard to hike the normal distance. Then, it didn’t pass right, and I got a UTI.” One of the most physically painful experiences of my life. “I was feverish and alone. I could barely crawl out of my tent. Much less hike any farther. So, I stayed where I was for close to a week before three guys found me. They were hiking, too. They helped me get to a section of the trail that crossed a road, flagged down a car, and took me to the nearest hospital. I got treated for the infection, but the damage to my kidneys was done. They’ve gotten worse over the past few years, and I had to start dialysis a little over a year ago.”
I don’t want to look at Holly. The way I ended up here was all my fault. Just stupid decision after stupid decision, and now, I’m permanently damaged.
Her warm hand slides into my relaxed palm. “That must’ve been terrifying. I don’t know if I would have survived that. Being alone out there and being so sick.” She clutches my hand, and when I glance up, there’s real fear in her gaze. “I’m glad you made it back okay.”
“Well, not completely okay.” I roll my eyes toward the machine.
“So what? You’re alive, and I’ve got a spare.” She beams at me. “It’s going to work out fine.”
There’s that warmth again, seeping through my chest. Holly’s hand is still in mine, and I want to raise it to my lips. But I know I shouldn’t, so I simply enjoy the touch of her skin against mine.
A light vibration sounds over the TV. Holly uses her free hand to reach into the back pocket of her jeans and produces a battered cell phone. Whatever she reads has her leaping from the chair, leaving my hand empty.
“Oh, freaking dagnabbit!”
Dagnabbit? Was that English?
“What’s wrong?”
Holly starts scooping up her things. “I can’t believe I forgot. It’s on my list and everything! My adviser, I’m supposed to meet with her in twenty minutes! Do you know where the closest bus station is?” She stares at me.
“Sorry. I don’t.”
She groans and tries to lace up the shoes I didn’t realize she’d slipped off.
“You can’t reschedule?”
“I’ve already done that twice, and she’s going to be gone all next week. I don’t know the next time I can sit down with her. How far are we from campus? Like jogging distance?”
Her boulder of a backpack swings dangerously as she heaves it onto her shoulders.
“Holly, slow down.”
“I can’t! This was great, Ben, but I’ve gotta go!” She’s almost to the door.
I’m not ready to see her leave, selfish as I am.
“Holly, wait!” I don’t think she’s going to listen. “Holly! Take my car!”
Out of sight, I hear her sneakers squeak to a halt on the hardwood floor, and then she’s back in the room.
“Take your car?”
“Yeah. You’ll never get there on time with the bus. Use my car.”
“Are you sure? How will you get back to your place?”
“I’ll call Jasper. I’m serious, Holly. Take my car.” I fish the keys out of my pocket and dangle them off my finger, as if to tempt her with their jingling.
“Okay, okay. You’re a lifesaver.” She grabs the keys, but instead of immediately turning to sprint out the door, she leans in and presses her warm lips against my cheek. The caress is over too soon as she backs up with a wave. “I owe you!”
Then, she’s gone.
I’m left in my chair, the phantom of her kiss haunting me.
How did something so simple make my skin so hot?
And how can I get her to do it again?