CHAPTER 30
HOLLY
The door looms tall before me.
I reach up, turn the knob, and push. The hinges squeak as the door swings wide, revealing the dark room beyond. My feet move forward on their own.
This is Grams’s room. She should be asleep here, in her bed.
Someone is under the covers, but when I pull the sheet back, it’s not my grandmother.
It’s Ben.
He lies still, eyes closed, like he’s sleeping, but his chest doesn’t rise. I put my hand on his shoulder and find him ice-cold.
The darkness around me shifts and moves, closing in on us. Ben begins to sink into the bed, as if the mattress were quicksand. He’s disappearing from my sight, and he does not respond when I scream his name.
There’s a pressure at my back, pushing me toward the sinkhole in the bed where Ben vanished. A feeling of chaos seeps from the black space.
I turn away, searching for the door. It stands there, closed again.
But the door isn’t an escape. Just a different hell.
Fear is a living thing, pulsing from the dark hole on the mattress. Wading through it, I throw one leg and then another over the edge to dangle in the abyss. There’s nothing but black beneath me.
But Ben is down there.
I let myself fall.
I’m awake.
As always, my clothing is soaked in sweat, the hospital gown sticking to my skin. But, for the first time, I don’t wake up from the nightmare, panting for breath, terrified that I just let someone die. Instead, a sense of peace settles over my shoulders.
I didn’t run from the darkness. I jumped into it.
When I sleep, it’s in short bursts. The pain medication helps with the aching in my abdomen, but it can’t get rid of the discomfort of lying in a strange bed. Of being back in a hospital. I’ve spent a lot of bad nights in these places, and it’s hard to separate myself from those memories.
So, when my eyes crack open to a dark room, I figure it’s because my body is complaining again.
Then, I hear the click of the doorknob.
A beam of light spills in from the hallway as the door pushes inward. Someone slips in through the gap, immediately shutting the door behind them, casting the room back into darkness, except for the faint glow of the machines monitoring my vitals. Everything past a certain point is out of focus, so I reach for my glasses, sliding them on.
The blurry figure solidifies.
Holly.
When our eyes catch, she grins, and my whole body clenches with happiness.
“What are you doing here?” My voice still sounds hoarse from the breathing tube they had down my throat during surgery.
“Came to see you.” She leans against the wall, as if this were a casual visit.
Then, I notice the deep breaths she’s taking. Like she’s having trouble catching them.
“You should be in bed. You’re going to tear your stitches. Or pass out on the floor.” I try to push myself up, but my bones are as supportive as liquid.
“I’m okay. Look.” Holly shuffles across the tiled floor toward me.
As much as I want to hold her, the painfully slow movements urge me to press a button to call the nurse in here, so someone can force her back to bed. Before I make up my mind, she reaches the foot of the bed.
“Ta-da!” Somehow, she’s still got a silly grin on her face, even as air whistles in and out of her nose.
“Impressive. Thanks for the show. But I think it’s time someone takes you back to your room.”
However, when I reach for the remote, Holly takes another stumbling step forward and grabs my hand. The shock of her soft skin against mine freezes me, and I almost groan in pleasure. She’s better than pain meds, her touch finally easing all my discomfort.
“Wait, Ben. Please. I just want to sit with you for a bit.”
How can I say no to that?
When I nod, she lifts herself onto the bed, sitting with just an inch between us. Her thumb rubs over my knuckles before she lifts our hands to place a kiss in the middle of my palm. Gentle waves of calm flow through me. I want to give her the same.
“Why’re you up in the middle of the night?”
She shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep. A dream woke me up.”
I remember the night in the cabin. “Another nightmare?”
“No. Not a nightmare. Just …” She trails off, a curious look on her face while she fiddles with my fingers. After a moment, she shakes her head and focuses back on me. “Just a dream.”
“Hmm.” I pull her hand to my mouth and press my lips against her knuckles. “Was I in the dream?”
“Maybe.” She watches my mouth move against her skin.
“Maybe? You trying to tell me you were dreaming about some other guy?” My tone is light and playful, but there’s a pinch of fear in my chest.
A week ago, Holly told me she needed time. Said we’d talk after the surgery. Then, she kissed me like it meant something in the parking garage and told me she was sorry.
But sorry for what?
Sorry that she put space between us?
Sorry that she made me live a week of my life without her?
Or sorry that she’s ending things?
Sorry for making me fall in love with her?
I don’t know if she heard me before the drugs kicked in, and I don’t know how to ask. My chest stings suddenly—and not from the aftermath of the surgery. Instead, I wonder if she’s snuck in here to break things off with me once and for all.
“Oh, yes. So many men,” she continues to joke, unaware of the chaos in my mind. “Practically an orgy. Just imagine how disappointed I was when I woke up in an empty bed.” She keeps a straight face with only a slight twitch at the corner of her mouth.
“Must’ve been heartbreaking.” I mask my fear with humor. As long as she’s bantering with me, nothing is over. “So, that’s why you staggered over here? Trying to make your dream a reality? Should’ve grabbed some male nurses while you were out there.”
Another lip quiver, but she doesn’t break yet. “Darn. See, this is why I need you, Ben. How else am I going to plan a proper orgy?”
This conversation is so ridiculous, but when she says she needs me, I get a heady rush. Maybe that wasn’t part of the joke.
“I’m at your service. Anyway, I don’t really care what got you in here. I’m just enjoying the view.”
Holly’s hair is pulled up into a messy bun with random strands coming loose and falling around her face. She’s got on a shapeless hospital gown with a robe thrown over it that she’s left untied. In the faint light of the medical equipment, her skin glows an eerie blue.
And she’s so beautiful that it makes my bones ache.
Holly sticks her tongue out at me before sighing. “Yeah, yeah. I’m a sight; I’m sure.”
“You are.” I drag my lips across her knuckles again. “I call this look Sexy Hospital Holly.”
Her free hand covers her mouth, but I can still see her eyes crinkle and hear her snort of laughter. Got her.
“You’re weird.” She shakes her head and reaches out to finger-comb some hair off my forehead. “I love it.”
“I love you.”
Her hand pauses, hovering so close to my skin that the heat of it is a touch itself. She stares down at me, and again, I wonder if she heard.
It felt so good to say; I don’t mind repeating myself.
“I tried to tell you before the surgery, but you’d already passed out. So, I’m saying it again. I love you, Holly. I know I messed up and that you might not trust me right now, but I promise, if you give me another chance, I’ll never lie to you again. Starting now by telling you that I’m so in love with you that I’m happy my kidneys failed. I’m grateful. Because, without that happening, you never would’ve come into my life. And the idea of not knowing you hurts worse than any of this.” I nod at the machines before locking my gaze on hers.
Holly’s teeth sink into her bottom lip while she contemplates me. A moment passes, and then a smile breaks out across her face.
“I thought I’d dreamed you saying that.” She caresses my cheek before leaning down to give me a light kiss. “I love you, too.” Those priceless words come out in a whisper against my skin before she leans away to gaze at me with shining eyes.
In my mind, I’m wrapping my arms around Holly, pulling her down on top of me, so I can claim her mouth and body. I want to worship her for loving me. But the best I can do is grip her hand tighter and grin up at her like a doofus.
“Kiss me again.”
She snickers but gives me what I want. The tender way she presses her mouth to mine only makes me crave her more.
“Say it again,” I demand.
Between kisses, she responds, “I love you … I love you … I love you, Ben …”
Each time is better than before, and I’ve never felt stronger than in this moment. I have the love of Holly Foster, and all she asked for was honesty.
This sense of freedom, of knowing that I’m not lying or hiding anything from her, that we’re completely open to one another, gives me a wild head rush.
This is how all life should be.
Later, when Holly gets too tired to sit up, she stretches out next to me on the bed. I keep her fingers tangled in mine, clasping them to my chest.
With her head resting on the pillow next to mine, the small puff of her breath brushes my neck when she asks the question, “How are you feeling?”
“My body is tired and kinda sore. But, other than that, I’m amazing.”
“Amazing, huh?”
I turn my head to grin at her. “Of course. You love me, and I just got a grade-A Holly Foster kidney installed.”
“You make it sound like I manufacture car parts.” She pretends to scowl at me, but humor hides just beneath the surface.
For a minute, I stare at her, falling into her dark brown eyes. When she blinks, her lashes brush against the top of her cheeks. Creases form beside her nose as a hesitant smile appears. Stray pieces of hair curl at the edge of her face.
Every bit of her is perfection, and she gave some of it to me.
All the awe I feel for her seeps into my voice. “I have a piece of you now.”
She traces her thumb along my bottom lip. “You had a piece of me before the surgery, too.”