Chapter 42
We had just arrived at her house. I helped her walk to her room, and I could feel how weak she was. I didn't know what had happened earlier, but I didn't want that to happen again.
She called Theo in her phone at nakahiga siya sa kama niya ngayon, and her eyes... it was so obvious she had been crying. The traces of her tears were still there, and it broke my heart to see her like this.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen," I apologized, sitting beside her, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Don't make noise. I want to have peace," she said, closing her eyes tightly.
It was her birthday today, and I never thought she'd go through this on such a special day. The guilt weighed heavily on me, slowly killing me from the inside. I never wanted to hurt her, but everything felt like it was slipping out of control.
I didn't say anything more. I just sat there, watching her, wishing I could do something to take away her pain. It felt like the world had shifted, and I was powerless to fix it. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a knock at the door, followed by Theo walking in.
"What happened here?" Theo's voice was sharp, full of concern. I could feel the intensity of his gaze on me, but it wasn't directed at me. It was all for her.
"I-" I tried to explain, but I didn't get to finish what I was about to say when Cynthia cut me off.
"It's attacking me again," she whispered, her voice weak. "I just need my medicine. I ran out of medicine."
She slowly sat up from her bed, but her movements were sluggish, like she didn't have the energy to do anything. I didn't understand. What medicine? What exactly was going on with her?
Theo's face darkened, and I could see the concern flooding his features. "You finished all of your medicine? There's a lot of them, Cy-mahal. You could've overdosed," he said, his voice tinged with worry, yet there was also anger in it, probably because he had warned her before.
He quickly rummaged through his bag and pulled out a small box of medicine.
"I'm okay, I just need it," Cynthia murmured, her voice low but insistent.
Theo sighed deeply, clearly frustrated, but he handed her the box. I noticed his gaze shift to me as I handed her the water. There was a brief, sharp silence before Theo's eyes narrowed, and his voice became more guarded, almost threatening.
"Who are you?" He asked, his tone darker than I expected, clearly assessing me, his suspicion evident in his words.
I froze. I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to say? I was nothing to her. Just a bystander in her life.
"I'm her..." I trailed off, unsure of how to finish my sentence. What was I to her? I wasn't her anything. The silence between us stretched on, heavy and uncomfortable.
Before I could come up with anything else to say, Cynthia interrupted. "She's the younger sister of Athena, she's the one who help me earlier." she answered for me, her voice still soft but clear.
I blinked in surprise, not expecting her to speak for me, especially not in front of Theo. Cynthia was always so guarded, especially when it came to me, so hearing her explain our relationship, even in passing, felt strange.
Theo's eyes shifted from me to Cynthia, and his expression softened for a moment, but there was still something about the way he looked at me that made me feel like an outsider.
Theo walked over to the bedside, his expression softening as he looked at Cynthia, who was already holding the pill in her hand, waiting for the water I had handed her. His eyes never left her, a quiet worry etched on his face.
"Are you sure you're okay, mahal?" Theo's voice was gentle but insistent, his gaze never leaving hers as he reached out to gently take the medicine from her hand.
He watched her carefully as she swallowed it, and once she did, he placed a hand on her forehead, his thumb brushing across her skin like it was something so precious, something that he would protect with everything he had.
Cynthia closed her eyes, her lips curving into a faint smile at his touch. It was the kind of smile that spoke of deep affection, of trust-trust she didn't give easily to anyone, but to him, it was something she had surrendered long ago.
"I'll be fine. I just... I just needed the medicine, Theo. It happens sometimes."
Theo didn't seem convinced. His fingers lingered on her forehead for a moment longer before he gently pulled away, his eyes searching her face for any signs of weakness, any hint that the panic wasn't over yet. "You shouldn't run out of them. We can't risk that. You know better."
"Yea," she whispered, her voice small and vulnerable, as she leaned back against the pillows. "I wasn't thinking straight. It's just... I thought I could handle it."
Theo let out a small sigh, sitting beside her on the bed. He reached over to hold her hand, his fingers wrapping around hers with a possessiveness, "You don't have to handle everything on your own. That's why I'm here. I'm always here for you."
Cynthia's eyes softened at his words, and she gave him a tired but genuine smile. "I know. I'm just... I don't know how to stop being like this sometimes."
Theo's thumb gently stroked her hand, his voice steady, reassuring. "You're just human. And you don't have to go through everything alone."
I glanced at Cynthia, her face still pale, her eyes tired. I wanted to say something, to make her feel better, but I knew there was nothing I could do right now. She was already in the hands of someone who could take care of her in ways I never could.
I stayed in the background, watching them, as Theo continued to care for her with a tenderness I could never match. The way he spoke to her, how he held her hand, everything about him said that he was the one she needed.
And as I stood there, feeling the weight of the situation, I realized something-maybe it was something I already knew deep down. I was nothing to her. Just a fleeting moment in her life that she would forget once the storm passed. She had Theo. She didn't need me.
I was nothing. And maybe I had never really mattered to her at all.
Their connection was undeniable, their bond so palpable that it felt like it was woven into every gesture, every glance.
The way she looked at him-like he was the only one who could make everything right.
And the way he watched over her, never once questioning how much of himself he'd given to her, how much he'd sacrificed to be the person she needed.
I could feel a lump in my throat, choking me. Watching them, seeing how easily they fit together, it was like something inside me had shattered.
Cynthia didn't even look my way as she lay there, her hand still intertwined with Theo's, her entire being focused on him, on the comfort he provided. It was like I was invisible in that moment, like I had never existed in her world the way they did in each other's.
I watched them, my heart heavy, as Theo continued to comfort her, his words soft and caring, completely oblivious to the hurt that was building inside me.
I wanted to be the one to take care of her.
I wanted to be the one she turned to, the one who could ease her pain.
But it wasn't me. It would never be me.
My chest tightened, and I felt the overwhelming realization wash over me like a cold wave.
I had no place here.
I was nothing to Cynthia, not like Theo was.
She needed him in ways that I could never be.
She had given him a part of herself that I could never reach, a part that was always his, no matter what I did.
She trusted him.
She loved him.
I wasn't even a thought in her life when it came to this.
I looked down, biting my lip, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill. I'd tried to be someone important to Cynthia, tried to prove that I could be the one who would be there for her, but in the end, I was just another person watching from the sidelines. I wasn't enough.
His gaze was unwavering, focused solely on her, as though nothing in the world mattered except her well-being. I could feel the weight of the moment crushing down on me, and I couldn't pull my eyes away from them.
Cynthia's eyes fluttered closed again, her breath becoming more even, but I could still see the pain lingering in her expression. She was exhausted, and she needed him. And he was giving her everything, just like always.
"Mahal," Theo said gently, his voice filled with concern as he leaned in slightly closer. "I'm going to head out for a bit, but I'll be back in the morning to check on you, okay?"
Her fingers tightened around his, a silent plea in her touch, but she nodded weakly. "Okay. But... don't be gone too long."
"I won't be," he replied softly.
As Theo turned to leave, he glanced over at me, his expression hardening for a brief moment as if he had just realized I was still there. His eyes narrowed, and a sharp tension filled the air.
"Stay beside her, I'll be back." his voice low, a protective edge to it. It was clear he didn't trust me, or maybe he was just looking out for Cynthia. Either way, there was no mistaking the warning in his tone.
I swallowed, suddenly feeling smaller than I ever had before. "Yeah, I will."
Theo didn't seem convinced. He lingered for a moment, his gaze shifting between Cynthia, who was now visibly more at ease, and me, before he gave a curt nod.
"Make sure she rests," he said, his voice cold but still filled with an undercurrent of care. "And if anything changes, don't hesitate to call me."
Without waiting for a response, Theo turned and walked out of the room, the door clicking softly behind him.
And then, there was silence.
It was just me and Cynthia, in the room, the space between us feeling more like an ocean than just a few feet.
I stayed standing by the door, watching her as she slowly let herself drift into a lighter sleep, her breathing finally steadied, but the exhaustion was still evident on her face.
I should have been happy for her. She had Theo, someone who could care for her the way I couldn't, someone who would always be there for her. But instead, the ache in my chest grew even stronger.
I moved to the edge of her bed and sat down quietly, careful not to disturb her too much. The room was so still, and I could hear the faint sound of her steady breathing, the only sign that she was still with me.
I couldn't help but feel the sting of everything that was happening, everything that had always been. I had hoped-maybe foolishly-that I could be the one to help her, to be the one she turned to in moments like this.
He was the one she called when things fell apart. He was the one who made her feel safe, who knew exactly how to calm her, how to ground her. And I... I was nothing. I was just the girl who had tried, and failed, to be a part of her world.
I watched her now, peaceful for the moment, and realized that I had no place here.
Cynthia stirred slightly, her face softening as she drifted deeper into sleep. A small, almost imperceptible smile appeared on her lips, and I realized it was a smile for Theo.
I bit my lip, my chest tightening, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself feel the full weight of the realization.
I sat there for a while, the silence in the room heavy with everything I couldn't say, everything I couldn't change. But in the end, there was nothing to do but accept it.
Cynthia had Theo. And I... I had nothing.
"Happy birthday, Cynthia." I whisper, that only I, can hear. She was sleeping.
---
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep beside her until I woke up. She was still sound asleep, her peaceful breathing the only sound filling the quiet room. When I checked the time, it was already 2 AM. I quickly looked at my phone, seeing dozens of missed calls and texts from Ate. I replied, saying I fell asleep in the car, trying to explain why I wasn't answering.
I suddenly remembered the bouquet I made for her that I hadn't given yet. I decided to go downstairs to get it.
When I returned to the room, she was still asleep, looking so serene. I couldn't help but admire her beauty once again.
"Ang ganda mo palagi," I whispered softly, careful not to wake her. As I watched her, I couldn't suppress the pain inside me. "But it hurts... I always find myself falling for you again and again, even though I know I have no chance."
The words were like a release, a confession I hadn't been able to say out loud before. "I want you so bad. I want to have you, to grow with you, but you don't feel the same. I may want to grow with you, but you want to grow with someone else. And I can't seem to do anything about it." A bitter chuckle escaped me. "It's just... painful."
"I love you, so much. I did everything for you. I tried everything. You were worth loving and giving everything to, and I never asked for anything in return. But it hurts so much, to the point that sometimes I find myself crying, knowing I can never have you."
I could feel the weight of my own words, but there was no turning back now.
"But it's nice, knowing you have someone who loves you as much as I love you." I paused for a moment, my heart aching as I tried to convince myself. "I don't want to bother you anymore, Cynthia. Because it's clear that I don't have a chance with you. I'm sorry for causing you trouble today. Don't worry, starting tomorrow, hindi na kita guguluhin."
I stood up slowly, heart heavy, as I placed the bouquet I had made for her beside her pillow. I knew it was my last gesture, my last chance to show her my love without expecting anything in return.
As I looked down at her one final time, I bent down and kissed her forehead. It was soft, a gentle, lingering kiss that I could never take back. As soon as my lips touched her skin, tears started to fall. I quickly wiped them away, not wanting her to see my pain.
I didn't know if I would ever stop loving her, but I knew I couldn't stay in a place where I wasn't wanted. I had to let go.
Before I left the room, I scribbled a small note and placed it next to her flowers: "Belated Happy Birthday, Cynthia."
With one last look at her, I turned and walked out of the room. My chest felt like it was being crushed under the weight of everything I was leaving behind. I couldn't stop myself from crying, the tears flowing freely now that she was no longer there to hold me together.
I stepped quietly down the stairs, trying to control my breathing, but every step felt heavier than the last. The emptiness in my chest was suffocating.
Hindi nga talaga ako dumiretso sa bahay.
Instead, naglakad-lakad muna ako-walang direksyon, wala ring malinaw na dahilan.
Napadpad ako sa 7/11 para bumili ng drinks.
I don't know, maybe I just needed something cold to hold, something bitter to distract me. Bumili ako ng ilang bote ng beer. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na naman kakayaning matulog kung uuwi ako ng diretso.
Ang bigat-bigat ng gabi, parang may bumabalot sa dibdib ko na hindi ko maalis.
Before I knew it, nandito na pala ako sa playground na malapit lang sa amin.
'Yung luma pero paborito kong tambayan noong bata pa ako. 'Yung may kalawang na slide at mga upuang puro gasgas, pero somehow, comforting pa rin.
?For so long, I convinced myself that if I just tried harder, if I just proved to her that I could be there for her, that I could be the one to support her, it would work out.
But it never did.
Every time I reached out to her, every time I tried to be the person she needed, it always felt like I was invisible.
And worse, when Theo came into the picture, it was like I ceased to exist at all in her world.
?
?And now.
.
.
now I had to let go.
?
?I couldn't be the one for her. I wasn't meant to be.
And I had to accept that.
"Hewo po. Why are you crywing?" the little girl asked, and I turned my head slowly toward her, surprised.
What is a child doing here at 4 a.m.?
"I'm not," I said softly, quickly wiping my tears away. I tried to steady my voice, even though I still felt the sting behind my eyes. "Why are you here, kid? Who are you with?"
"I'm with my mommy po," she answered sweetly. "But I don't know where she is now po, 'cause she's talking with someone. Then I saw you here po, so I came closer."
I studied her for a moment. She was adorable-big round eyes, messy curls, and a worn-out stuffed toy clutched tightly in her arms. There was something oddly comforting about her presence.
"Hey," I said gently, kneeling a bit to meet her height. "It's dangerous to be alone like this. You're still a kid. What if there are bad people around? What if someone takes you?"
She just laughed at me-an innocent, carefree giggle that echoed slightly in the early morning air.
"Hindi ka naman po bad people," she said, smiling brightly. "I can smell that good ka po."
I blinked. "Wow, may lahi ka palang aso."
She giggled again, and I couldn't help but smile. Just being near her made the heaviness in my chest feel a little less suffocating.
"Let's find your mommy na. She might be looking for you already." I stood up and she nodded.
Then, out of nowhere, she reached up and held onto one of my fingers as we walked. Just one tiny hand wrapping around my finger. I didn't expect it, but for some reason, it made something in me ease. It was such a small gesture, but it warmed something cold inside me.
As we walked toward the corner she pointed at, I heard her soft voice again.
"Masama po uminom ng alcohol drinks po. You should stop drinking na po," she said, glancing at the half-empty beer can on the ground where I had been sitting.
I sighed. "I will," I promised, half to her, half to myself. "I just needed it tonight... or this morning, I guess. Anyway, saan mo huling nakita 'yung mommy mo?"
She pointed toward the end of the street. I nodded and we started walking, the quiet between us surprisingly comforting.
Just as we reached the corner, a familiar voice called out, slightly panicked.
"Where did you go, Zafie? I told you to stay beside me, didn't I?"
I froze.
It was Ms. Dizon.
"Sowe..." Zafie said, holding onto my finger still. "But I'm safe po, 'cause I'm with good people." She pointed at me with her free hand.
Ms. Dizon looked stunned when she saw me. Her expression softened. "Honey... it's you. Thank you."
I stared at her, confused for a second. Now that I looked closely, she and Zafie did look a bit alike. I had no idea she had a kid.
"No worries po, Miss," I replied, still processing.
"She's not my child, if that's what you're thinking," she said with a soft chuckle. "She calls me mommy, but she's actually my niece. My older sister's daughter. She's in heaven now,"
My stomach dropped a little. "Oh... I'm sorry."
"It's okay, honey. Thank you again for looking after her. And... are you okay? You look like you've been crying."
I hesitated. "I'm okay po, Miss. I just needed some air," I lied, brushing it off with a small smile.
She didn't press further, just nodded slowly.
"Shall we go now, Zafie?" she asked, reaching her hand out.
"Bye po, Ate!" Zafie chirped, giving me a big smile. "Don't cry na po next time, ha?"
I laughed quietly and waved back. "Thank you, Zafie. Ingat kayo."
She waved goodbye, still smiling, and I found myself waving too-more at peace than I was just minutes ago.
Who would've thought a child could make my 4 a.m. breakdown feel a little less lonely?