27. Sawyer
Mood lighting,check. Background music, double check. Nerves flying through the roof, check, check, check.
I placed my mother’s candle holders in the center of the table and lit the wick. The best part about dinner on the deck during summer is that the air is still; the wind flow was almost nonexistent, even at night.
I angled our glasses just a smidge and tugged at the tablecloth, evening it out around the edges. I stepped back to observe what was in front of me. You would have never guessed that there was an overpopulated party here last night. I figured out that I am the master at panic cleaning today.
In a matter of seconds, Lucy is going to have dinner with me. She actually said yes, and is willing to let her guard down.
I didn’t take this lightly, knowing that I had the chance to hold her heart in my hands. Her trust, her patience, her willingness. It’s an honor and a privilege, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it.
When the doorbell rang, I had to force myself not to rush the front door. I pulled back and steadied my footsteps. One foot in front of the other, not taking strides two steps at a time. I exhaled deeply before opening the door.
“Wow. C-come in, hi,” I stammered out. She slipped in beside me, but I stopped her, and spun her to face me. “I missed you today,” I said through a kiss upon her cheek.
She flashed me a grin, but kept her attention at our hands that found each other. She rubs her thumb over mine.
“You okay, Pretty Girl?”
“Yes, yeah. Of course. I’m here with you.” Her words caused an electrifying jolt within my ribcage.
She dangled my truck keys in front of my face. “I almost don’t want to give it back.”
“You can drive the truck anytime you want, just say the word.”
“Ooh, I might hold you to that.”
“Here, let’s go out this way.” I motioned toward the side door that leads out to the deck. She walked off ahead of me, her heels clicking along the planks and her hips swaying with each step.
I pulled the chair out in front of her as we reached the table.
“Oh, Sawyer. They’re beautiful…” She reached down for the bouquet of peonies that I had placed on her seat earlier in the evening. She brought them to her nose and took a sniff, then placed them beside her on the table.
“I can get these out of the way if you want?” I started to grab for them when she placed her hand over mine.
“No, keep them. They’re too pretty, you almost don’t want to look away.”
I know what that feels like.
I gave her a wink, then a kiss on the top of her head before pushing in her chair.
“Wine?” I held up both a red and a white.
“Dealer’s choice.”
I poured the Riesling in hers, the Pinot in mine, and motioned for a cheers.
“It smells amazing in there,” she admitted as she finished her sip. She licked at the thin layer that lingered on her upper lip.
“Oh, shit!”
I rushed inside, and the excitement riled Billy up, leading him to follow in after me from the furthest part of the backyard. He barked as I made my way to the oven. I pulled out the cooking sheet and slid it on top of the stove. Just in the nick of time. I plated the salmon and roasted squash and balanced them in each hand.
“Do you need any help?” Lucy called out, though I was already headed back outside.
“No, no. I don’t want you to move a muscle. I’m here to cater to you tonight.”
I pushed the plate in front of her, then mine at my place setting. “Go on boy, inside,” I snapped my fingers to send Billy off on his way.
“Sawyer, this is—” she let out a sigh, then tilted her head at me. “Thank you.”
I held my glass up for another cheers before we dug in. There was a sense of relief that rushed over me, this night truly turned out exactly how I imagined it.
Here she was across from me, smelling like a field of wildflowers and looking the way that she does—man, she looked out of this world—and I didn’t burn dinner. This night is better than I had imagined it to be.
With no food left to spare, we pushed our plates away into the center of the table and sunk into the backs of our seats.
“I could eat that every day for the rest of my life,” she blew out an exhausted breath as she placed her napkin on her plate.
I propped my elbows onto the table and leaned forward. “I could eat you ev?—”
“Sawyer!” She picked her napkin up and tossed it across the table toward me.
“Sorry,” I chuckled out. I’m really not.
The silence between us grew, the sloshing of the lake water down below filled the space instead. I focused on how her mouth twitched as she stared back at me, trying to hold back a smile. I could tell when she chewed on the inside of her cheek.
“So,” I started, “Tell me something, Ms. Lucy Collins.”
“Always,” she took another sip of her wine.
“How do you always seem to have everything so planned out?”
She scoffed at my statement and placed her glass back on the table.
“No, really. I’m serious. Look at you. You are one of the most structured people that I know. I wish I could be more like you.”
She paused before she spoke.
“I can’t tell if you’re joking,” she said with narrowed eyes.
“One-hundred percent honest. Scout’s honor.” I held up three fingers. “Do you, like, schedule everything you do? Know exactly what you’re going to be doing a year from now?”
She nodded.
“I figured. I bet you even have a five-year plan.”
“I’ll be done with my residency by then, getting ready to start at a private practice. My private practice. It will be in a quiet neighborhood, and I’ll offer affordable care for low-income families and adaptable care for neurodivergent kids. There will always be something captivating and thrilling about the big hospitals, but they’ve never felt personal to me. I want to build meaningful and impactful relationships with my patients and give kids the health care they deserve. There’s not always one right answer when it comes to how to go about things.”
I bit back my emotions that were rising to the surface and reached my hand across the table. She placed hers inside of mine. “You’re going to save the world, Lucy Collins.”
I am undoubtedly so in love with this girl. I can’t help it.
“If I’m lucky,” she finally said.
“Come on, let’s head inside.” I started to stack our plates on one another, while she blew out the candles.
Billy followed in after us but galloped over to the sunroom. He jumped onto the unmade bed.
“He likes it in there, too, I see,” Lucy chuckled.
“He’s been in there since everyone left early this morning. I think he hated not having you here. He liked the idea of having you in this house, I think.”
“Oh, whatever,” she snorted out. She shot her head up at me, embarrassed. “Oh, not that again.”
“It’s cute, stop it.” I quickly placed my hand on her upper arm, but then pulled it away. Just touching her, I didn’t want to stop. Even if it lasted a second. I coughed into my opposite hand and backed away. I grabbed the other wine glass on the counter. “Nightcap?” I asked.
“Yes,” she smiled up at me. We plopped ourselves down on the couch, she pulled her legs up to the side and her knee brushed against me. She flinched slightly. “Sorry,” she said, as she adjusted herself into her seat.
“Don’t be.” I rested my hand on her knee and traced my thumb over the tip of her bent leg. “But hey, look at this.” I reached to pull a DVD from the coffee table. “I picked this up, maybe we could watch it.”
I handed her a copy of Mary Poppins.
The apples of her cheeks grew in size as she nodded in excitement. “I still can’t believe you’ve never watched it, it’s a classic!”
“So I’m told.”
I walked up to the DVD player and then returned to my spot beside her. My fingers, with a mind of their own, started to move over her legs again. I could feel the goosebumps that formed on her skin. She followed the movement before completely dissociating.
“Lucy?” A beat passed, and then she brought her attention up to me. Her eyes were even with mine, but it felt like there was nothing behind them. I paused the movie. “Are you okay? Where’d you go just now?”
She started to sniffle. “Sorry,” she said, her eyes were lined with water. She shed a single tear, though her face never faltered.
“I almost didn’t come tonight,” she started. I furrowed my brows, but she continued before I could say anything. “And not because I didn’t want to. I wanted to. I mean, I want to be here. I’m happy I’m here.” She leaned forward and rested her untouched wineglass on the coffee table. “But when I went back home today, to finish up all the packing and get it ready to bring to the donation center or storage or whatever, I found one last box that’s been in the back of the shed.”
She shared all about her mom and letters that she found, new information regarding her father. She started to shake as she uttered his name. I held her tight, letting her talk when, and how, she wanted to. There were long moments where neither of us said a single word, she just fiddled with the knots in the throw blanket.
The only sound was faint humming from the music I had forgotten to turn off from earlier, and her rapid heartbeat.
I was unsure if I wanted to ask her what she wanted to do or if she even knew herself. All I wanted to do was hold her and let her know I was there for her. Oh, how I hoped she knew that I was there for you.
“I know that I shouldn’t even worry about it. It’s been ages since he wrote her those letters. Who knows if he even wants a relationship with me anymore.”
“Don’t say that. He would be lucky to know you. Anyone that knows you, knows just how true that is.”
“Hmm, maybe.” She stood from her seat and walked back over to the kitchen counter. “It’s not gonna change anything. Finding him, knowing him—having a relationship with him—and it sure as hell is not going to fix the relationship I have with my mom.”
“Maybe not, but what if—” I stopped myself. I was not going to be the person who pushed unsolicited advice on her. I’m sure she has always thought of all of the what-ifs already. “Look, is there anything that I can help you with?”
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. She planted her feet back down and studied my eyes. They shifted from one to the other, her mouth drew into a thin line.
“I just… Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m about to say this.”
My heartbeat quickened its pace and I’m preparing for my world to come tumbling down. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, the sound of shattering glass filled my ears.
“I want to give you everything that you want, I want everything that you want.” I shut my eyes tight, I thought they would rip at the seams. “But I think I do need to figure all of this out before we start anything up. I want to do this right.”
I couldn’t argue that. Could I?
All my body allowed me to do was nod, and hold her in my embrace one last time. Please don’t let this be the last time.
“Okay,” I finally said above a whisper.
She kissed me again, and there was a sadness behind it. Like this was hard for her, too. I have no idea what’s going on right now. She turned away and walked back out the side door.
I couldn’t watch her leave—I looked back out over the lake, the table still partially set. She left her flowers on the back patio but took my heart with her. It was a trade I was willing to accept, because for whatever it’s worth, I knew this was not a goodbye.
This can’t be goodbye.