29. Sawyer
Bright and early,I am face to face with a hangover—something I hadn’t experienced in years. By the time I turned twenty-seven, I learned to manage my alcohol so I wasn’t the tool that was regretting it all the next morning and relying on sports drinks and dark sunglasses to get through the day.
I fought with all that was inside of me as I sped into the city.
The sun danced behind the New Haven skyline coming into view and I was reminded of the last time I made this drive. It was the last summer I had spent here in Rider before college and I was hungry for my new beginning. I was ready to fall into line so easily back then. Now, I made the same drive with the same initiative of a new beginning, but it’s a story that is written by me and me alone.
Slicing through the fresh, summer air, I was able to fully come to. Just the way my grandfather taught me, I had a motive for being here today. Never insert yourself in someone else’s day unless you have intent and motive. I had both of those things.
There was no avoiding it, there was no other way to go about this. As usual, I had to be the bigger person when it came to Lewis Banks because he would never admit he was wrong, let alone realize he did wrong on his own.
I clenched my hands into tight, white-knuckled fists at my side. No more than twenty feet away from the entrance, I stood there staring up at the City Hall building. But I couldn’t bring myself to walk in. The adrenaline, the angst—it’s doing nothing for my momentum right now. Turned to stone, I was becoming one with the cement.
“Long time, no see,” a familiar voice struck behind.
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” I said before turning to face my freckled, curly-haired cousin standing across from me.
“You didn’t expect to see me in the place that I work? Good one, Sawyer.”
I had tried to convince Holland to “jump ship” with me, but he didn’t take the bait. Granted, the so-called “bait” was just me going on a rant about how awful our grandfather was and that we didn’t need him. It was a nice attempt, but he enjoyed politics too much. Had he left with me, he would have never become the Director of Communications. I’m too proud of him to be upset.
I was convinced I almost had him in the middle of my rampage when he nodded to the absurdities I reminded him of from our childhood. He and I had always been so similar. We could smell our family’s bullshit from a mile away and hated that our dads fought over this life constantly.
We are like brothers ourselves, and while that’s a bond I knew we are forever grateful for as only children, that wasn’t enough. Being as close as we are also meant we drank the same juice and were both raised and conditioned to fall into this lifestyle.
“Lewis has been asking about you, man. Told him we haven’t spoken much.”
“No need to lie, Hol.”
Holland and I made sure to stay close and make it a point to talk semi-regularly. I would like to see him more often than I do, but I know that our grandfather has him on a short leash and I never wanted to risk running into him, even if we agreed to meet on the other side of town. With my luck, he’d find a way to be there.
For now, texting and the occasional comment on Facebook would suffice.
“Yeah, well… You know him,” he shrugged. “It would somehow become my problem that I couldn’t convince you to?—”
“Convince me to what?” I snapped at him. I hated that I was letting the annoyance I felt towards our grandfather out on him.
Holland held his hand up over his eyes, blocking the sun as he squinted up at me. I always had a couple of inches on him. He hated it.
He stayed silent, but I heard him loud and clear. He scanned around before leaning in to whisper, “What was I supposed to say?”
I huffed out a low sigh. “I don’t know. Something, anything. He respects you.”
Holland rolled his eyes, “You’re still his favorite, you know this. That’s your name that he mentioned in his speech.” He spoke hushed over his shoulder, “Even after everything, you’re still his favorite.”
The chatter of business people zipping by swallowed us.
I patted Holland on the back and we went our separate ways. I felt his eyes burning a hole in the center of my back as I headed inside.
Even after everything.
The inside of City Hall still had that musty, old wood smell that hits you the moment you walk through the metal detectors. Growing up, when I’d run down these halls and my light up shoes would reflect off the tiles, I dreamt of the days I would walk these very floors. Instead, I’d wear expensive Italian loafers that complete an iron-pressed suit and the heels would click against the glossy flooring.
Lewis’ assistant caught me in the hallway, grabbing me eagerly by the arm. “While I live and breathe, Sawyer? Is that you?”
I turned slowly, dreading the greeting I knew I couldn’t get out of. “Hi Cindy,” I said curtly, “I’m here to see my grandfather,” then left her there in shock.
Cindy was the type that would corner you and by the time your conversation was over, it had already been twenty minutes. It was unnecessary—especially when it started at the ripe age of fourteen. What the hell are you going to talk about with a fourteen-year-old, Cindy?
I walked in as he was finishing up computer work. He was wearing the same style suit that he did for his press conference yesterday, except in a deep, blue shade.
His door cranked closed behind me, and the hinges squeaked just the way I remembered them to. All of the color disappeared from his face, for the smallest second, he was scared. But almost immediately, a smirk appeared. I had never seen it before. He was genuinely intimated – until he wasn’t. Lewis Banks doesn’t get intimidated, he doesn’t feel remorse. He knew he fucked up. But he’s ready to go to bat and doesn’t regret a thing.
I could see it in the Banks Scowl.
“What the fuck was that?”
He pushed away from his desk and stood at the edge of his chair. He rounded it and leaned up against the tabletop. He unbuttoned his sleeves and rolled them up. That infuriating grin never once faded. He was enjoying this.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he crossed his arms, falling into himself.
“Bull-fucking-shit, Lewis.”
“Language,” he said sternly, looking behind me and out his office doors.
I bet he’s regretting having wrap-around glass walls now.
“Language, my ass. This is dirty, this is vindictive. This is exactly why I didn’t want to work for you, to do any of this.” I waved my arms around. “You play dirty to get what you want.” Then his smugness vanished. “What exactly is it that you do want? What was the purpose of all of that last night?”
“When are you going to give up your little endless summer vacation dreams and get serious? I’m getting older. There’s no need for me to be in this game anymore.” He took a step towards me, a pleading look in his eyes. “This was supposed to be you, this was supposed to be all of yours.”
“I don’t want any of this, I never did!”
“You used to.”
I did, I wanted it more than anything. “Not anymore,” I took a step back.
The entire office gawked at us through the glass walls—I felt them watch our every movement, our every gesture. I whipped myself around and they fumbled their papers and folders as they scurried off, as if they weren’t all just eavesdropping.
My blood was boiling, and then I realized I wasn’t just mad at him.
I mean, I was. I was furious. My anger that had built up over decades towards him was finally coming out, I was laying it all on the table. But the repressed anger and guilt and regret I held for myself was rising to the surface, too—that I was certain of.
No matter how content I was in Rider, I couldn’t help but beat myself up.
When will it end? When will I stop feeling bad for letting people down who couldn’t care less about my feelings?
“Not anymore,” I said again, softer this time.
He pinched the bridge of his nose as he made eye contact with the ground. Four lines on his phone rang at the same time, and I could hear the fax machine down the hall. I’d become aware of all of my senses as silence filled the room.
“I should have handled this a different way.”
“I’d say so.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, loosening his tie.
I choked on the air. I’m sorry. He’s sorry?
“You’re just giving up?” I strengthened my stance. There’s no way he’s just giving up.
“What do you mean?”
“You went through all of that just to concede after a few minutes alone with me? That’s not the grandfather that I remember. You once held a three hour long debate with Dad over what Chopard watch to get Mom for Valentine’s Day one year… You wouldn’t settle until he got the one that you suggested.” The memory got a snicker out of him. “And that was over a damn watch. And now you’re saying sorry and giving up on this dream you have for me just like that? You hate it when people don’t do what you want.” I threaded my brows together, I truly was taken aback.
He exhaled sharply out of his nose as he rubbed the back of his neck. “And that hasn’t really been helping my case with all of you, has it? Like I said, I’m retiring. I can’t do this anymore. It’s exhausting. I’ll be honest, it started as a power play back many, many years ago when I entered the scene. You know, Sawyer, I was a party boy back in my day. This life was pushed on me, the same way I ended up doing to your father, to you. But you didn’t go off and rebel, you did what was expected. At least that’s how it was for my generation.
“Everyone knew about me from the tabloids, the Mayor’s “Wild Boy” at a new bar or “Banks Boy Has Bad Blood” with a picture of me yelling at a valet attendant. Acting cold, and on a power trip, was my redemption story, I suppose. I had to prove myself. Eventually, it became my skin. A layer that I couldn’t shake. But look, it’s torn us all apart. And I’m to blame.”
Wow… He’s honestly apologetic, and I’m afraid that I believe him.
“I planned on ripping you a new one, hyped myself up—the whole nine yards—on my way in,” I said as I walked over to his office window that looked down into the courtyard.
I spent many lunches, working away, in here beside him. We bonded over paperwork and the plans we envisioned for the city. He walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t know if ripping a new one is an appropriate thing for grandsons to do, but hey, I probably would have deserved it.” He handed me back my phone, then paused as he looked out the window. “I definitely would have deserved it,” he corrected himself.
I ran my hand over the scruff built up on my jaw. “I can’t come back, you know this.”
“I know, I just miss ya, my boy.”
I turned towards him. “You know where I live. I’ll cook you dinner. A real one, not one that you find in a styrofoam container. You and Grandmother need to be better about that.” He nodded and laughed. It was unfamiliar, but it sure was comforting.
He sat back down at his desk and flipped through his stacks of paperwork. “What am I supposed to do now? I just made a public declaration not even twenty-four hours ago,” he sunk into his chair, folding his hand in his lap.
“Holland.”
“Excuse me?”
“Holland. Endorse Holland. He’s ready.”
“You’re okay letting a political science degree from Yale go to waste like that?”
“I’ve been okay with it for a while,” I scoffed. “I think that’s something for you to come to terms with now.”
He brought the tips of his fingers to a point and perched them under his chin. “I guess I just don’t get it.”
I never considered the fact that he was simply blind to any type of life that wasn’t the one he’d known since he was in diapers. It’s generational, I know that well. He is in his own bubble and forgets that people can be successful outside of their suits and tall buildings. At least that’s what I tell myself so he can keep a human status in my mind.
“You know, you never showed up to my opening.”
His mouth opened, but he quickly became tight lipped again.
“You didn’t show up,” I repeated myself. “I wanted you to be there.” I took a seat in the chair across from his desk. It was easily two feet wide, but I had never felt closer to him. I was talking, and he was listening. “I named it, I fixed it up. It’s looking nice over there. I got a few workers, they’re amazing. I know you don’t understand it, or you don’t want to understand it. Maybe that’s something I have to come to terms with. But I would love to have you be a part of it, even if it’s to tell me you’re proud of me.”
I choked back the lump in my throat and all of the tears I felt forming.
“I am proud of you, boy.” He crossed his arms and rested them on the desk. He leaned forward, looking straight into my eyes. I could see that we have the same shade, and they crease in the same spots. “You have no idea how proud of you I am.”
He reached into his desk and pulled out a rolled-up newspaper. Across the top in bold letters was the news about my ownership. A picture of me and Gus, his arm around me, sat off to the left side of the page. He spun the paper around where I could see.
My heart twinged. It didn’t make sense. For a split second, I felt myself understanding it all. Whatever grudge I have been hanging onto was starting to wash away, until I threw a dam up real fast. It didn’t change anything. At least it didn’t feel like it did.
“So, why didn’t you respond to my RSVP or call me back? You didn’t even call me back…” I stood up, hovering over him now. Looking down at him, there was a softness to his face. His eyes were droopy and his brows arched down.
“I wish I had answers,” he said into the desk below him, bowing his head.
I didn’t bother challenging him anymore. I knew that there was this standard that he had to uphold. Some things were just the way that they were. I wanted to leave, walk out, and leave our conversation where he felt bad. A part of me wanted him to feel terrible, to feel responsible for tearing our family apart. But that’s just it—he didn’t. And I can’t blame him for having a different outlook on life than the one I ended up developing.
“I guess all we can do is go up from here.”
He lifted his gaze to me, smiling at me, and shook his head in agreement.
The fifty-ton weight felt lighter and the dust began to settle. I went to walk out of his office, knowing that everything was on the up and up, but then he stopped me.
“Holland, eh?”
It was nice to see that the idea didn’t seem so foolish as the moment passed. The gears started to turn and it seemed like I might be able to have my family back.
Now I just had to work on getting my Lucy back.
I rushed back to Rider, I never wanted to get somewhere quicker than I did at this moment. Instead of the lake house, or even The Hideout, I went straight to the cottages.
I knock on the door that belongs to the fourth cottage on the left. My palms are sweaty, I feel as nervous as I did the first day I showed up here. I could hear footsteps near the door, but imagine my surprise when it was a stocky old man who answered.
“Gus?” I said, disgruntled.
“Nice to see you, too,” he chuckled out.
“But it’s not Sunday, what are you doing here?”
“Eh, Lucy asked me to look after the place while she’s been gone.”
“G-gone? What do you mean? Where is she?”
“No clue. She called me a few weeks ago, and asked for me to look after the place until further notice.”
“Until further notice,” I repeated after him. “Heh, okay, thanks.”
I turned on my heel and started back down the walkway when he stopped me. “Check with Mel,” he yelled out. I faced him, and he nodded in the direction of their cottage. “She’s home.”
I didn’t know how much help that was going to be when just yesterday she said she knew nothing. But desperate beyond belief, I headed on over.
Mel opened the door by the third knock and stepped onto the porch step.
“Hey, bud. What’s up.”
“Do you know anything else? Any new information?” I blurted out. She crossed her arms across her chest and knitted her brows. “Mel, please.”
She sighed.
“Mel,” I repeated, more desperate than before.
“Okay, okay,” she surrendered and pulled out her phone. “I don’t know anything, but I do know where they’re at. And because you’re borderline pathetic, and my best friend, my loyalty to you trumps girl code.”
“Girl code? How is this?—”
She held her hand to my face. “Shush, it just makes sense, okay? Here,” she held up her phone screen. A search of a hotel… One state over.
“Where the fuck is Knightwood?” I tried to grab her phone to get a better look, but she pulled it away.
“Look it up, but that’s all I’m giving you. I’m not sending any screenshots or anything, to have this betrayal trace back to me, or whatever.”
I did a quick search of my own and saw that it’s a four-hour car ride away. But only an hour flight. Without a second thought, I purchased the next flight out for tonight.
“Perfect, thanks!” I started to run down their walkway and back over to my bike in Lucy’s drive.
“Get some sleep sometime soon, will ya?” Mel yelled out after me. “Maybe shave while you’re at it!”
I threw a middle finger up over my head, before a thumbs up. “Love you,” I yelled over my shoulder with hopes she could hear me.
I was going to get Lucy back, I had to.