Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
SINCLAIR
T hree weeks go by and I don’t see August, which is probably for the best. Midterms are happening this week and the school workload has intensified. Elise and I are constantly in the library, desperate for quiet time so we can get our assignments done. Working on papers and studying for tests and oh God, the group projects I’m currently working on make me want to curl up in a ball and die.
Only at night do I think of him. When I’m alone in my little bed, remembering what it was like to share this space with August. I was sprawled across his hot body and he touched me almost reverently. How he kissed me. What he said to me. I should feel regret for what I said to trigger him into leaving, but then again, I don’t. I still stand by my feelings about us staying away from each other. It’s best. He’s terrifying. What we do together is terrifying. And how he makes me feel?
Is the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I’m currently in the library at this very moment, trying to write an essay for my ethics class while Elise is studying for her physical anthropology test. She’s trying to memorize various animals just by identifying them with a photo and her constant murmurings of “ring-tailed lemur” and “Bengal slow loris” is driving me crazy.
“I am so sick of this.” Elise slams her laptop shut, echoing my mental sentiments. “If I don’t know what these animals are by now, I’m hopeless.”
“You’ve been studying a lot,” I agree, wishing I could give up on my paper. “When is the test again?”
“Tomorrow morning. My brain is fried. I’m going to grab something to eat and go back to our room. You coming with?” Elise shoves her laptop in her backpack and zips it closed before she stands.
“I wish I could but I need to finish this paper.” I glare at my laptop screen, hating how I’m barely halfway finished, and that’s probably a generous description. More like only a third finished if I’m being real. “It’s due at midnight.”
“You’ve got time, and you always manage to bang those out.” Elise offers me a little smile. “You sure you don’t want to take a dinner break with me?”
Dinner breaks with Elise are my favorite. We gossip the entire time, which usually consists of her telling me what guy she’s with now and sharing all the intimate details while I ask her endless questions. It never feels one-sided though. She tries to get information out of me and I always change the subject. I’ve never been that comfortable sharing personal details with people. I’m always afraid they’re going to be used against me.
“I would love to but I want to finish this paper now so I’m not writing it at eleven-forty-five tonight.” A sigh leaves me and I slump in my chair. “Wish me luck?”
“You know it.” Elise smiles and offers a cheerful wave. “See ya!”
Once she’s gone, I get serious, putting my AirPods in and typing away. I’m in the zone, the paper coming easily and an hour goes by. I’m nearly finished when I swear that I can feel someone watching me .
Pausing the music, I glance around but see nothing. I’m pretty deep into the library, not too far from the study rooms at the back of the building, and not that many people come here. Most everyone stays near the front, where all the action is. I like to sit in the front too, but not when I’m dealing with too much homework.
I turn the music back on and finish the paper, then save it and close my laptop. I’ll grab something to eat before I head back to our dorm room, and after I take a shower, I’ll look over the paper one last time before I turn it in. I’m pulling my AirPods out of my ears when I hear someone say my name.
A male someone.
Bracing myself, I glance over my shoulder to find August standing in the middle of the aisle closest to my table, his gaze searing into mine. God, he looks amazing. There’s a bit of scruff on his face, like he hasn’t shaved, which isn’t normal but such a good look for him. His hair is swept back from his gorgeous face and his normally full lips are pulled into a straight line.
Like he’s annoyed to see me.
I jerk my head, facing forward again, moving like a robot as I grab my backpack and start putting my stuff away. Internally I’m buzzing, anxious to get out of here. Away from him. I told myself I didn’t need him. Didn’t miss him. But seeing him right now, having him in my presence and so close, my entire body is lit from within.
And that’s the wrong reaction to have.
I pull my backpack strap over my shoulder and am about to leave when I can feel him drawing closer, his hand lightly resting on my elbow. I whirl on him, my heart hammering, threatening to burst out of my chest and I see the regret flash in his eyes for the quickest moment before it’s gone. Replaced with the typical gleam of disdain that always seems to be there.
“Sinclair.” His voice is flat, and I wonder why he stopped me in the first place if he didn’t want to talk to me. “Hello. ”
“August.” I match his tone, not wanting him to think I’m thrilled to be in his presence. I mean, I am, but I don’t want him to know that. And it’s more my body is excited to be close to his. Not my mind. My mind is screaming at me to leave. Now. “Good seeing you.”
I start walking and he keeps pace with me. “It’s been a while.”
“It has.” I send him a condescending smile. “I’m sure you’ve been avoiding me.”
He frowns. “I thought you were avoiding me.”
Oh please. Like he cares. “If I was, it must’ve been a happy accident.”
I move through the stacks, August trailing just behind me, the spicy scent of his cologne lingering in the air, making me dizzy. I’d never admit it to him, but it took me a while to wash my pillowcase after he laid his head on it. I would fall asleep to the scent of him and it was…comforting.
Which is dumb. I am a dumb, hopeless girl when it comes to this man and I sort of hate myself for it.
“I was trying to give you space,” he finally says once we’re walking through the front of the building. Past the help desk and the many tables that are filled with students. All of them are watching us, I can feel their eyes as we walk past, and I’m sure they’re wondering who the August Lancaster is talking to.
“Space?” I come to a stop in front of those tables, in the mood to make a public spectacle. “If I remember, you’re the one who ran away after getting thoroughly pissed at me for something stupid that I said.”
His gaze hardens, as does his expression. “What you said was bullshit.”
“What I said was meaningless. Or did I hurt your little feelings?” I turn on my heel and storm out of the library, heading straight for my dorm building. God, he’s infuriating. I don’t even know why I’m so upset at running into him in the library, but seeing him sparked something inside me. Irritation and desire. Always the desire.
The library doors clang shut and I can hear him shouting my name like a scorned boyfriend. I pick up my pace, desperate to get away from him. I’m almost into a full-blown run when he catches up with me, grabbing hold of my arm and stopping me. Twisting me around so I have no choice but to face him.
And when I do, I don’t want to look at his face. He’s too handsome, too intoxicating and my hormones always react. I stare at his chest instead, the charcoal gray hoodie he’s wearing and how he manages to look classy and sophisticated even in the most basic of outfits. Rich men are the worst.
“You did,” he says, faintly breathless, and I tilt my head back, staring into his eyes when I told myself I wouldn’t look at his face. But he’s too alluring, too freaking much .
I frown, confused. “I did what?”
“Hurt my feelings,” he bites out, and I wonder how difficult that was for him, admitting that.
My brows shoot up and I decide to fuck with him. “You have feelings?”
“I know, right? It’s baffling. I was confused myself. That’s why I ran out of your room that night. What you said, fucked with my head. More than that, it enraged me.”
“What did I even say?” I sort of remember, sort of don’t. That entire night is a blur to me now because of all the things that happened.
“Your exact quote was, ‘I don’t care.’ After I asked you if you wanted to have sex with me.” His voice is stiff, his cheeks ruddy with…what? Embarrassment? Come on.
When I hear him say those words though, the memories come flooding back, reminding me of our conversation. “I meant I didn’t care if Elise was coming back to my room. You asked me about that too. And I said I didn’t care because in that moment, the entire building could’ve filed into my room and it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I was that caught up in you.”
I press my lips together the moment the words leave me, mortified. I should’ve never admitted that. I don’t want to give him all the power.
His brows draw together as if he’s trying to recall our conversation. “Really? You weren’t referring to?—”
It’s his turn to press his lips together, going quiet. But I know what he was going to say, and he’s right. I wasn’t referring to him.
We stand in front of each other for maybe thirty seconds tops and he’s shaking his head, that familiar look of disgust on his face. “This is pointless. You said we needed space and you were right. I think we might need it—permanently.”
He pushes past me, his shoulder knocking into mine like he wanted that one last point of contact between us and I turn to watch him go, anger rising within me. Emboldening me. “Why do you say that? Because you’re too scared of your feelings? Oh right, you don’t have any.”
August keeps walking, though his pace slows.
“Keep running away from your emotions, August! I’m sure it’s a Lancaster trait!” I am shouting at him, as loud as can be and not caring who hears me. Not that there are a lot of people outside at the moment. Feels like it’s pretty much just the two of us.
He comes to a stop in the middle of the walkway, tilting his head back to stare at the darkening sky. Resting his hands on his hips. I don’t move, keeping my gaze on him, curious as to what he might do next. And he doesn’t disappoint.
Turning, he strides toward me, his expression determined. “You don’t know what my family is like, so don’t bother trying to figure them out.”
“Did I hit a nerve?” My brows shoot up in question. I’ve heard of his ruthless father. He sounds like a giant dick. Like father, like son.
“Yes, only because you’re so fucking wrong.” He grabs my hand, jerking me to him and our bodies collide. Just like that, my skin tingles, even with the layers of clothing I’m wearing and my body leans into his like the traitor she is. “My mother is the sweetest woman on this planet who is always there for us. She’s still there for us. And my father has a tough exterior, but he is completely obsessed with my mother and worships the ground she walks on. Growing up, their love for each other made me uncomfortable. It fucking terrified me, because who could actually love someone that much? Be that obsessed with someone to the point that nothing else mattered as long as they had each other? That shit is scary.”
He’s breathing hard and so am I, his words shocking me. Is his parents’ relationship toxic? Are they too reliant on each other? Is that what scares him about love and relationships? Because clearly the man is uncomfortable with the topic.
“I’ve never met someone who made me feel even a little bit like that. I kept the walls up because it was easier. When you grow up with all of your relatives, including your father, telling you that when you know, you fucking know, they make it sound like a curse. I didn’t want to be afflicted.”
“A curse? And afflicted with what?” He makes it sound like he thinks of emotions as a disease.
“Obsession. Love. It doesn’t seem to matter if you’re in my family. They’re one and the same.” He tugs me closer, thrusting his face in mine. “I can’t explain it. I don’t even know you, Sin, and I’m fucking obsessed with you. Just like I feared would happen to me, what I’ve been avoiding for years. They warned me my entire life this would happen and here I am, fucking gone over a girl who’s barely legal and fights with me all the goddamned time. Why? Why you? You’re nothing special.”
“Thanks a lot.” I try to jerk out of his hold, but he won’t let me, his fingers tightening around my arm, his body crowding mine. My backpack slips off my shoulder, falling onto the ground with a thud and I glance to my right to see where it landed. But August grabs hold of my chin, forcing me to look at him again and what I see in his eyes is…overwhelming.
Desperation. He even seems traumatized, and I’d guess he’s the sort who doesn’t discuss his feelings. Like ever.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” An exasperated noise leaves him and he shakes his head, closing his eyes for the briefest moment before reopening them. His grip relaxes on my arm and he leans back a little, as if he’s giving me space. “You’re just—you’re an ordinary person, so why can’t I stop thinking about you?”
He sounds agonized and I should feel some satisfaction in that, but I don’t. I feel as tortured as he looks, my emotions threatening to wash over me in the most overwhelming way possible and I tug out of his hold, taking a few steps back. Needing distance to clear my head.
“Obsession isn’t healthy,” I murmur, rubbing at the spot where his fingers burned into my skin. “What we’ve shared so far…isn’t healthy either.”
“You’re right. It’s not.” He visibly swallows. “But it’s still there. I can’t deny it. Can you?”