Chapter 41
Chapter Forty-One
SINCLAIR
I am in heaven. On cloud nine. All the cliché sayings that I’ve heard my entire life about happiness, I am feeling because oh my God, what August and I just shared over the last couple of days was the most momentous experience of my life.
Spending time with him at his apartment, getting lost in his arms, his bed for hours at a time…I didn’t want to leave. I would’ve happily quit school just to have the chance to spend the rest of my days in that apartment with August. Forget the world. We only need each other and the occasional meal and shower.
But reality intruded and reminded us both we needed to return to campus. We headed back early Sunday morning, August dropping me off at my dorm building, kissing me in the back seat of the hired car so thoroughly I had to finally make my escape or else we probably would’ve ended up doing it in the dorm parking lot.
I float into my dorm building, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, practically running down the corridor to my and Elise’s room. When I throw open the door, our room is blessedly empty, and I throw myself onto my bed, clutching my pillow to my chest and sighing blissfully.
My body is exhausted but in the best way and my brain isn’t quite firing on all cylinders, but I don’t care. I am happy after being thoroughly fucked for the last forty-eight hours or so. I didn’t know it could be like this. Feel like this. I now understand how Elise acted when she came back to our room after her encounter with Rafe, her golden god. Though of course, she lied to me about the losing her virginity part, but I can forgive her for that.
I can forgive everyone for lots of things as long as I know August is in my life.
My phone rings and I don’t even bother checking it, my gut telling me it’s August. He can’t even be apart from me for a minute. He’s already calling me and I feel exactly the same way.
“There you are! I’ve been trying to call you all weekend.”
My stomach drops at the sound of my mother’s voice and I regret not checking who the call was from. “Oh. Hey. Sorry. I’ve been busy.”
“Uh huh. Having the time of your life, I’m sure.” There’s an edge to her voice that’s always present when we talk lately and I sometimes can’t help but think she’s jealous of me being away at college while she’s stuck in her mundane life. I don’t think she’s happy. How can she be, when she has to deal with my unfaithful father?
“I suppose,” I hedge, reminding myself I don’t want to tell her about August.
“Have you finally met someone?”
A sigh leaves me. “Why does my being busy always have to involve a man? School is keeping me busy too, you know.”
“Because you’re just like me.” She laughs, and the sound grates. I’ve never thought I was like her. “You’ve blossomed into a beautiful young woman and I know all the men must be coming around. I remember what it was like when I was in college. I can only hope you’re having the same experience.”
“Were you a ho?” The question leaves me before I can second-guess myself and I sort of regret it.
But then again, she goes completely silent, so I sort of don’t regret it either.
“A ho? Are you asking me if I slept around when I was in college? The answer would be yes.” She giggles and I grimace. This is information I don’t need to know about. “And then I met your father and fell hopelessly in love with the man. Now he’s stuck with me.”
I never want August to feel stuck with me. That sounds awful. “Did you know he was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with right away?”
I don’t know if I feel that strongly for August. I definitely care about him but is this just a phase for us? Will he move on after he’s had his fill? I want to protect myself from falling deeper because what if it’s not reciprocated? I’ll be devastated if that happens.
“No, of course not. I don’t believe in love at first sight and you shouldn’t either.” She goes quiet for a moment. “So you have met someone.”
“Sort of.” I’m desperate to keep his name to myself. “It’s nothing serious.”
Those three words leave a bad taste in my mouth and I regret saying them. I don’t mean it. What August and I share is…overwhelming. In a good way. In a serious way.
“This is the period in your life where you should have fun,” Mom says, her voice soft. “You don’t need to settle down yet. You’re only eighteen. You have your entire life to fall in love. Considering this is your first year in college, you should be partying and having the best time ever.”
She is surprisingly logical and that’s not like her.
“I’ve definitely been having fun.” I launch into a story about going to a party with Elise and Mom eats it up, asking all sorts of questions and laughing along with me. But it feels wrong, talking about a stupid party when I should be telling her about August and how much he means to me instead.
I’m conflicted. There’s that bigger part of me that doesn’t dare mention him, but then there’s that tiny, falling in love with August part that wants to spill her guts and tell Mom everything.
My heart seizes in my chest at the thought. Falling in love with August? Is that what’s happening between us? Hard to believe. Why would I love him?
Why would you not love him , whispers that secret voice buried deep in my brain.
“I sort of am dating someone though,” I admit after my party story.
“Oooh, what’s his name? And please tell me it’s just a fling,” Mom encourages.
“His name is—August Lancaster.”
Dead silence greets me and I grip my phone tight, my stomach churning. I wait for her response, mentally preparing myself for the blast.
“Are you serious?” she screeches and I close my eyes, hating how excited she sounds. It’s not because she knows August and adores him. It’s that she knows his family name and how much wealth they have. I know how she operates. “You’re dating a Lancaster?”
“It’s not a big deal?—”
“It’s a huge deal, Sinclair! The Lancasters are one of the wealthiest families in this country. They have so much money it’s ridiculous. Isn’t August Lancaster Whit’s son?”
That she even knows Whit’s name fills me with dread. “Um…yes.”
“My God, Sinclair! This is—this is big news! Your father will be beside himself. ”
“Why?” I’m clueless. Is it because they’ll feel special hanging out with Lancasters? I don’t want to let my parents anywhere near any Lancaster, especially August.
“He’s trying to find people that are on his level.” Mom makes this sound like such a logical response and I hate to tell her, but Dad is nowhere near the Lancasters’ level. I don’t even think I am, yet I just spent days with August.
“Is it serious?” she asks when I haven’t said anything. “With August?”
“I don’t know.” That’s the truth. I’m confused and don’t know how I feel about him. About us. Do I want it to be serious? My mom is right—I’m going to be nineteen soon. Do I really want to tie myself down with someone at this point in my life? There’s still so much to do. Like finish school. Figure out what I want to do with my life.
And is it stupid to get involved in a relationship with August when he’s going to graduate soon? He’ll be gone and I’ll still be here. On campus and missing him while he’s off living his life and forgetting about me.
My heart pangs just imagining it.
“You should try and figure it out soon, sweetheart. He’s a catch.” Mom giggles again and that’s it. I can’t stomach this conversation any longer.
“I need to go. I have to get to the library before it closes.” The lie falls from my lips easily and I don’t even feel bad. I’m desperate to get off this call.
“Of course, of course! I’ll let you go, but Sinclair? Keep me posted about what’s happening between you and that August Lancaster. Your father is going to want every single detail.” Mom sounds downright giddy.
Like I would give my parents every single detail about my “relationship”—I’m sure there are some parts of my relationship with August dear old Dad does not want to know.
“Bye, Mom.” I end the call before she can say anything else and flop back on my mattress, staring up at the ceiling. This is how Elise finds me when she enters our room minutes later. I don’t even look at her but I can sense her coming to a stop, watching me.
“Are you okay?”
A sigh leaves me, and I keep my gaze fixed on the ceiling. “I think I’m in over my head.”
“With what? School? I am positively drowning in homework.” Elise settles heavily on the edge of her bed and I finally turn to look at her, our gazes meeting. Hers is full of sympathy. “I spent the entire weekend with my family and going out with my old friends instead of doing schoolwork and now I’m going to pay the price.”
“You had a good weekend then?”
“Oh yeah, it was so much fun. I even met up with my old boyfriend.” Her smile is small. “He’s learned some new moves.”
“You had sex with him?”
Elise nods. “It was nothing. Just casual.”
“Oh.” I glance up at the ceiling, wondering how I’m going to bring up what happened between me and August.
“Did you have a good weekend? Oh my God, how was your date with August? Did you have fun? Did he hold you captive all weekend and fuck your brains out?”
“Basically.” I glance over at Elise to find she’s gaping at me in shock. “Yes. I stayed at his apartment all weekend in the city.”
“He actually held you captive?” Elise squeaks.
“I stayed because I wanted to.” I sit up, gathering my hair in my hands and holding it off my neck. “He didn’t need to hold me captive.”
“I bet.” Elise’s smile is sly. “So…how was it?”
“Good.”
She arches a brow. “Good? That’s all you can say? Come on now. Don’t hold out on me. I need all the details. ”
I don’t want to give her all the details. What happened between me and August is private. Just for me. Just for us.
“He knows what he’s doing.” Just from the look on her face I can tell that’s not good enough. She wants more. “He’s also got a giant dick.”
Elise grins. “I knew he would! I bet it’s magical.”
Honestly, I have no one else to compare it to, so for all I know August is average. But I don’t know… “It was pretty magical.”
“I’m sure.” She shakes her head. “I can’t believe you two are a thing, but I think it’s awesome, Sinclair. And what a story! From being your bully in high school to him being your first. Are you guys like, official now?”
I sort of hate that she brought that up. From August being my bully to being the first guy I had sex with. Is that normal? It doesn’t feel normal. From the first interaction with August all those years ago, nothing has been typical.
When I realize Elise is watching me expectantly, waiting for my answer, I clear my throat and shrug. “I’m not sure.”
She’s frowning. “You didn’t discuss it?”
“Are we supposed to?” I sink my teeth into my lower lip, feeling inept. She’s had way more experience than me, but has she ever had a steady relationship? “I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”
“Not even in middle school?”
I shake my head. “I showed you the pictures of me from middle school. I was a hideous troll.”
Elise bursts out laughing. “You were not. You were just going through an—awkward stage.”
“Awkward enough that I didn’t have a boyfriend throughout the entirety of middle school and high school.” Panic floods me and I remind myself there’s no reason to feel this way. Whatever happens between August and me, I’ll be fine.
Even if he dumps me. I should prepare myself for that. The possibility is there. Look at his track record—he doesn’t do relationships. What makes me so special?
Nothing, that’s what.
“You’ll be fine. Just follow your instincts.”
She makes it sound so easy. “I have zero instincts when it comes to this kind of stuff. You’ve seen him—he’s such a polarizing presence. Larger than life while I’m just…me.” I sound insecure. I am insecure when it comes to this man. I can’t help it.
“You’re not just you.” Elise comes over to sit on my bed, grabbing my shoulders and giving me a gentle shake. “You’re Sinclair fucking Miller and you just spent the entire weekend with August Lancaster. It’s obvious he likes you. He might even be falling for you. That’s a big deal.”
“You really think so?” Voicing my insecurities makes them feel that much more real and it’s scary. “I don’t?—”
“Nope.” Elise gives me a little shake again. “Stop all the negative talk. This man likes you, Sinclair. How many times do you have to hear it? Has he said those words?”
“Kind of.” I shrug and she lets go of me, thank God. I was starting to feel like a bobblehead every time she shook me. “It’s hard for me to believe that someone who hated me all those years ago now wants to spend all of his time with me.”
“Maybe he never hated you. Maybe he was attracted to you and didn’t know how to express himself,” Elise points out.
I burst out laughing. “No way. He despised me.”
“Okay, maybe he never really thought about you one way or the other then. I think all the hate came from you.”
She’s right. I hated him. I walked into that frat house not too long ago prepared to see him and hate him all over again. Instead, I flirted with him. The chemistry was hard to deny and it’s only grown since then. He’s all I think about and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. Maybe we can make this work.
Maybe we already are.