Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Seraphine
The sun is just peaking out when my eyes open, feeling fully rested. I always sleep better when I’m with Elliot. This isn’t new, but it does hit me differently this morning.
He’s fast asleep, on his back, still holding me the way he was when I fall asleep. His chest rises and falls slowly, the softest snores sounding. He’s so handsome, and regardless of his mistake, he is good to me. No one is perfect.
Elliot makes me feel good in so many aspects of my life.
About my physical looks, about my mind, about my capabilities.
He’s given me confidence when it’s something I’ve never had before.
Everyone around me has taken their turn to chisel away at it.
It got to a point where I accepted it and didn’t question it or fight it.
Eventually, I didn’t realize it was happening because it was normal.
Elliot changed that all for me. Not only did he make me see what people were doing but he made me see my worth.
Made me feel human. And maybe that isn’t a reason to stay with someone, but it’s more than that with him.
We have fun together. The sex is amazing. He makes me happy in so many ways, and I think that I make him happy, too. People make mistakes, and that’s okay.
It’s okay. Not every mistake means it’ll get worse. Sometimes it’s as simple as a mistake.
I have to remind myself of this over and over.
Elliot made me see my worth maybe a little too much.
Maybe to the point of thinking that things should be perfect all the time and any wrongdoing is bad, but that isn’t necessarily true.
People are still human, and they will still make mistakes.
It doesn’t mean it’s purposely done against me to hurt me; it just means they are human. Same as me.
Carefully untangling myself from him, I slide out of bed, put on the t-shirt he left on the chair for me, and head downstairs.
As usual, there isn’t any food in this house, so I set up a delivery and get a start on the coffee.
I use the hazelnut one I bought because even if he gives me crap over it, I know he doesn’t hate it.
And even if he did, he’d drink it for me.
Do I want to see him do a million things that he doesn’t like, just for me?
No, I’m not sadistic or cruel. But I like knowing that he will.
That’s important, right? How many people do I know that would suffer through something they don’t like just to see me smile?
Outside of him, no one. Maybe Gia, if I caught her on a good day, but she’s kind of selfish too.
Not in a terrible way. We’re all human, all selfish, and if it was something that was important and really mattered, she would do it for me.
Elliot is so selfless when it comes to me.
He always has been. So, can I really hold one selfish moment against him forever? That’s not really fair of me.
The delivery comes quickly, the store isn’t far from here, and they always come fast when I add a big tip. I accept the bags of groceries, thank the driver, then get busy in the kitchen making a full breakfast for when Elliot wakes up.
Scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, home fries, and French Toast because it’s a ton better than pancakes. I’m on my second cup of coffee when he comes downstairs, his soft footsteps sounding on the tiled floor.
“Good morning,” I say, giving him a smile.
He looks confused, but responds with a raspy, “Morning.”
“Come make your plate. There’s plenty of food,” I say, laying down the serving spoons beside the dishes of food that I laid out along the counter.
“You didn’t have to do this,” he says, looking over the array of food.
I shrug. “I wanted to.”
I hand him a plate then take one for myself, piling on a little bit of everything before going to the table. Elliot follows me over, his plate twice as full as mine, and I realize he didn’t get coffee. So, I get up to pour him one, turn, and realize he’s right there.
“I can do this,” he says.
“I know, but I wanted to do it for you.”
He runs his fingers down my cheek, and I lean into his touch.
“Thank you,” he whispers, taking the cup from my hands and going back to the table.
I miss him being overbearing. I miss him being unable to stop touching me.
I miss the way he looks at me like he wants to devour me.
I don’t like that he’s treating me like a fragile piece of glass all of a sudden.
I don’t want him tiptoeing around me, I want him how he was.
Pushy. I want him to make me see things about myself, make me feel things that I otherwise wouldn’t. I want to see how badly he wants me.
But I can’t tell him that. I can’t turn him into who I want him to be.
I know he’s capable of it, but if that is ruined, then it’s ruined.
I won’t force him to be a way with me he doesn’t want to be.
That isn’t fair to me because then it won’t be real.
And if there’s anything I need in life right now, it’s something real.
We eat in silence, something so uncommon for us.
When we’re together, we’re talking, laughing, fucking.
We’re always doing something and now it’s like there is an invisible wall up between us.
Fear, maybe. Not so much awkward, but maybe he is afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.
I get that. But suck it up, get over it, and move on.
I’m leaving the door open for him, I just need him to walk inside.
I spent my week being angry, upset, depressed. I took the time to feel all those emotions. Then Harrison snapped me out of it by acting like a crazy person.
There is no reason to dissect everything that happens in my life. Sometimes things just happen, and that’s that. Elliot messed up. I dealt with it. I’m over it. I want to move on. Is he going to be able to handle that? Or will he wallow like this forever?
Is there even going to be a forever with us?
Is that what he wants? Or was he just trying to make a point with his son for some issue with him that I don’t know about?
I’d already worried about Elliot being done with me after getting what he wanted, but he’s still here.
He didn’t exactly fight for me, but he tried after the restaurant, and he was there when it mattered most. He’s here now.
I hardly know anything about Harrison’s and Elliot’s relationship, and maybe this has been all about revenge for Elliot, the same way it started for me. Maybe this has nothing to do with me—never has. I was just caught in the crossfire. A pawn for him to use. A damn easy one too.
I need an answer, though. I need the truth. There’s only one way to find out.
When the dishes are washed and the leftover food all put away, I turn to face him and ask, “What do you want, Elliot?”
He freezes, looking up at me and pausing as he goes to put the dish towel back on the handle of the stove.
“Excuse me?” he says, though I know he heard me. I just caught him off guard. Caught myself off guard a little too, but Elliot makes it easy to be brave.
“What do you want? With us. This. I need to know.”
His brow furrows, his mouth opening as he goes to say something but then he snaps it closed.
“Elliot,” I say, moving closer to him. “What do you want?”
Why isn’t he answering me? Why is he just staring at me like I’m an alien? He’s had no issue telling me what he wants up until now, so what’s the problem?
Have I read this all wrong? Were my insecurities right? Now that he got me in bed, he’s done? Was this all about hurting Harrison, and now that’s done, so are we?
“I can only assume your silence means I won’t like the answer.” I move closer, tears stinging my eyes. “So, it’s better you just tell me to get it over with. Be clear. Tell me you don’t want to be with me, so I can move on.”
“I can’t,” he croaks out.
“You can’t?” I huff out a humorless laugh. What a coward! “I deserve better than this!”
He closes the distance between us, hands going to my arms. “I can’t tell you that because it would be a lie,” he nearly growls. “The way I want to be with you is scary, Seraphine. It’s fucking terrifying.”
He wants to be with me. He wants it.
“Then why are you acting like this?” I shout. Or try to, but it doesn’t come out very loudly. “Why are you being so distant? Why are you quiet? You brought me here and you’re basically ignoring me.”
“I wanted to give you space,” he argues back. “I don’t want to overwhelm you. I fucked up, and I’m trying to give you space to decide what you want to do.”
“I want you, Elliot. That’s it. I want this, I want us. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to tell everyone, but—”
“Do not apologize for that,” he growls, giving me a little shake. “Do not let my fuck up make you feel bad for feeling how you felt. Don’t fucking do that to yourself.”
“But you were right,” I say, lip trembling. “You were right. I was scared and I should have known that you wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. That no matter what happened, I would have you.”
He sighs softly, brushing some of my hair away from my face. “But you weren’t ready, Seraphine. That’s okay. I need to respect your feelings and wants.”
It’s quiet for a moment, and I try to catch my breath. “I like when you push me. Make me feel things I didn’t know I could feel.”
“But there has to be a limit, sweetness. That doesn’t pertain to everything in your life. There has to be boundaries.”
I step closer, putting my hand on his chest. “I don’t want boundaries with you.”
“We can’t… I can’t…”
I’m shocked he can’t find words. He’s so well-spoken, charismatic and articulate all the time. And now he’s at a loss for words? I shift closer to him, putting my other hand on his chest too.
“I want you. I want us. I want all of this, and I don’t care about other people and what they think. As long as you don’t.”
“I never have,” he admits. “And maybe that’s wrong—”
“I don’t care,” I add quickly. “Let’s worry about now. About moving forward. Today and the rest of forever.”
“Forever?” he asks with a smirk.
“Yes,” I say seriously. “I love the way you make me feel. Love being with you. Elliot, I love you.”
He sucks in a sharp breath, eyes going slightly wide. Should I not have said that? I thought we were having that conversation but maybe I was wrong?
“Christ, Seraphine,” he growls before lunging for my mouth. He kisses me deeply, hands going around me and squishing us together. I whimper when he pulls away and tug him back down, needing more of him. I don’t want him to ever let go.
He backs me up until I’m against the wall. Then he lifts me up and I wrap my legs around him. He grinds his erection against me, hands grabbing my ass.
“I love you,” he says against my lips. “I fucking love you too, sweetness.”
He manages to shove his boxer briefs down and pull my panties aside, all while not dropping me. He slides inside me with ease. I’m already soaked and wanting him. A deep groan escapes him as he bottoms out, his mouth going to my neck, licking and kissing me.
“Show me,” I say. He pulls away, meeting my gaze. I run my fingers down his cheek. “Show me,” I repeat.
And then he does. He fucks me hard but slow, kissing every inch of me that he can reach, his hands caressing every inch he can touch. He whispers how beautiful I am, that he loves me, that he’ll spend the rest of his life showing me and he doesn’t care what anyone has to say about it.
When we come, we come together, our foreheads pressed together, sharing breath.
And it’s only when we’re done I realize we didn’t use a condom again. This time, I don’t get the pill.