12. SIMON
SIMON
S hit. I don't look back as I slam the door to Carlos' apartment behind me. The cold wood of the hallway stretched ahead like a runway for my anger, my shame. A familiar guard leaned against the far wall, jaw tense, hand brushing the butt of his gun like he was waiting for me to cause a scene.
“Don’t,” I snap at him, not even slowing down. “Say nothing and do nothing, just let me go past.”
The guard opens his mouth, but the look on my face shuts him down from responding as I push past him, my shoes echoing down the corridor, every step a curse under my breath.
God, I was such a fucking idiot. Impulsive and completely out of character for me.
The elevator ride down to the first floor is too slow.
I stab the button like it might bleed. The mirrored wall displays my reflection—dishevelled shirt, bruised lips, bruised neck, skin that still burns where Carlos had touched me, claimed me.
Marked me. His cum and olive oil drip out of my ass, making it impossible to deny what has happened tonight.
I hate the way it makes me feel.
No. I hate that I don’t hate it enough.
When the doors finally open on the ground floor, I rush outside into the damp air.
It's the end of fall, just before the weather turns sharp with winter at our heels.
I prefer it over the humid summer. I roughly drag my fingers through my messed up hair as I pace toward my car, fingers trembling not from fear, but fury.
After that first kiss, I promised myself I would never cross that line with him again.
But tonight after seeing Ivan in the gym, the panic of what he saw in me and my need to touch and feel another man.
Who the fuck am I kidding, it was the need for Carlos.
My head was all over the place, and like Carlos had sensed my despair, he sent a call out for me, an otherworldly connection that made me drive over here without any other thought than fulfilling that desire.
The intense craving. It became too much and I had no control.
As soon as I laid eyes on Carlos tonight, that fire in his eyes had me lose all composure. Lose all reasoning. Once I mauled his mouth, I melted like sugar under heat. Another kiss and I was lost.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter to myself as I lean back against my car, head thudding. I hadn’t been able to fake indifference. Carlos took one look at me and he knew I would leave straight after, but he didn’t care, he let me go with that maddening calmness and goading words that made me want to scream.
That is the worst part. Carlos never begged.
He never chased. He didn’t need to because he knew I would come back.
He knows what buttons to press. That knowledge burrows under my skin, poisonous and cruel.
Every cell in my body knows it too, even as I stand here trying to convince myself otherwise.
I want to forget this ever happened. I wanted to erase the feel of Carlos’ breath against my throat, the rough grip of his hands.
The way he whispered while fucking the life out of me, “You’ll never want anyone the way you want me. ”
The terrifying thing? He was right.
Swallowing hard, I cross my arms and tilt my head back toward the dark skies, trying to hold myself together through force alone.
Jealousy is already clawing its way inside of my stomach.
If Carlos didn’t chase me…who would he chase?
I told him after all that I didn’t give a shit what he does. Fool.
Would it be a younger, hotter guy from the club? Someone from our dangerous world? One of his men?
Closing my eyes tightly, the very thought makes my chest hurt in a way I don’t want to identify. This doesn’t mean anything. It's a mistake I should be able to walk away from.
But the idea of Carlos touching—even looking at anyone else.
No. I can’t think that, not after running. Not after acting unbothered about him fucking who he wants.
And yet…
I stand here too long, long enough to feel the phantom heat of Carlos’ skin fade and the throbbing in my ass to subside. Long enough to realize that tonight has changed something in me.
I get into the car and turn on the ignition and race home like my life depends on it. The roar of the engine barely drowns out the war in my head, because I know if I see Carlos with anyone else. I’ll lose it. I’ll kill the fucker and the person he decides to test me with.
It's so late when I get back home, I’m stunned that anyone is still awake. As I go to grab some water before I head to bed, Kai, Tyler, Seb and Aaron are sitting at the kitchen table. Great.
“Where have you been?” Aaron asks, all smug.
“Out.”
“Obviously. You had a date?” Seb inquires.
“Date? Seriously?” I ask.
“Either that or it was just fucking, judging by the bruises on your neck. Are you competing with Kai for who has the most fucked up hickies?” Aaron jokes, and I want to slap the little punk.
“Don’t bring me into this,” Kai says quietly. At least he doesn’t like to be the center of attention.
“Leave him alone. He’s entitled to privacy,” Tyler says and I squint at him, unsure if he is being serious or teasing.
“Where are your husbands? Shouldn’t you all be on your leashes?”
“That’s not very nice. They’re in a meeting about Tim,” Seb says before sipping on his coffee.
“Why wasn’t I told?” I complain.
“They did but you weren’t responding,” Kai says, and I can feel a tinge of heat hit my cheeks.
Ignoring the rest of their questions, I rush out of the room down the hallway toward Dima’s office and walk straight inside without knocking. Dima, Lev, Ivan and Jules are all sitting around the desk, and stop talking at my arrival.
“Look who decided to show up like he actually works here?” Lev admonishes.
“Sorry. My phone was on silent. It won’t happen again.”
I move around the room to stand in the corner, hoping they don’t notice the state of my clothing or my neck. Wishful thinking, as they all turn to watch me.
“Where were you?” Dima asks, those ice blues pinning me with hidden questions and demands.
“With a friend.”
“A hook-up friend?” Ivan asks, smirking, knowing he is making me uncomfortable.
“Does it matter?” I ask, shrugging. Please talk about something else.
“I would say a hook up with those hickeys. Nice. But don’t ever ignore work over getting ass again. Got it?” Lev says, pointing at me and I nod.
“Promise. So, what's happening with Tim?”
“Its time for payback. Want to join in?” Ivan says, glee in his eyes and excitement in his fidgeting behavior. He’s been waiting for this and I can’t wait.
“What do you think? Just tell me when and where.”
We all chuckle and they bring me up to speed on what I’ve missed and I’m grateful. Grateful for the distraction from the nightmare my life has become outside of these four walls.