17. SIMON
SIMON
I t's morning and I’ve awoken from the deepest sleep known to man.
It takes a few seconds to realize where I am.
In Carlos’ bed. I fell asleep in his arms, and while that felt great last night, in the harsh light of day I feel embarrassed and annoyed at myself for allowing that side of myself to be exposed.
Especially to him. This is going to be fucking awkward.
Carlos isn’t in the bed with me, which is a blessing, so I quickly get up and dress.
I use his adjoined bathroom to take a piss and wash my face.
As I stare in the mirror all I can see is sex.
My cheeks are pink, my neck has a large hickey on it and my eyes are filled with a satisfaction that I know the nosy fuckers at home will see.
Taking a few deep breaths before I leave the room, preparing myself for coming face to face with Carlos, I leave the bedroom and walk down the long corridor.
This place is impressive. A lot more homey than I expected of Carlos.
I thought it would be white walls and have the vibe of a morgue. But this is nice. Cozy.
I hear movement behind a partially open door, hesitating at whether I should just run out of the apartment without saying anything, or doing a half decent thing, and speak to Carlos.
Being an adult fucking sucks and I really do fight the urge to leave, which would be my standard response. But I force myself to open the door.
Wow. This office is more impressive than Dima’s.
It's very elegant, warm and my eyes fall straight onto the huge glass cabinet on the wall. The glass sparkles with the reflection of the light coming from the large windows. Not as impressive as the topless guy sitting behind the desk, his head buried in paperwork. The sun highlights that smooth, golden skin that I couldn’t keep my hands off last night.
“Good morning,” he says, and I avert my wandering eyes from his chest to his face. His hair is perfect as always. I try so hard to maintain eye contact and not look at his nipples.
“Hey. I’m gonna head out,” I say, pointing my thumb behind me sounding as awkward as I possibly can.
Carlos leans back into his chair and clasps his hands across his abdomen. I can’t help licking my lips when I see his belly button. How can a belly button be so sexy?
“You can stay, Simon. At least for coffee. There are no expectations here.”
I mull that over and decide to ignore it, not wanting to talk about last night. I’m uncomfortable as it is, being cordial with him. The cabinet catches my attention and I walk over, curiosity getting the better of me. What the hell is that?
“Are those…teeth?” I ask, my eyes wide as I look at the large open case, with a purple velvet interior. Every tooth shines. Are they gold plated?
“Yes.”
I spin around to look at him, my mouth gaping at the weird display.
“You collect teeth? Are you a dentist or something? Because that’s weird as fuck.”
He stands from his chair, chuckling as he moves closer to me.
“No. They are souvenirs of the men that have crossed me.”
“Uh huh. You should spend more time with Ivan. He’s into weird shit like this.”
“Everyone has a hobby of some kind, don’t you?”
“No. I don’t like anything enough to have a hobby.”
“Makes sense. I do collect other things, if you look I have a collection of knuckle dusters,” he says casually, pointing to the other end of the cabinet where there are at least thirty or forty knuckle dusters. They’re actually quite cool as I didn’t know you could get different styles.
“They’re cool. Your weapon of choice, I assume?”
“Yes. What's yours?”
“My fists. I like to feel the flesh.”
I look back at the display and my eyes focus on a knuckle duster that looks quite old, it's a scuffed gold plated item with small sharp studs. Ouch. I’d love to see what damage that would cause.
I’m so enthralled by the pieces that I don’t hear Carlos move up behind me until I feel the feather touch of his breath on my neck. I’m willing my dick to stay in place.
“Do you like them?” he whispers against my skin. Oh god, get control of yourself, Si.
“Yes.”
His arms wrap around my waist and I can’t take it.
I can’t take the affection and I can’t take the fact that he isn’t the asshole I portray him to be.
So I become an asshole. Pushing his arms away, I walk over to the door to leave without a word, too scared to speak in case my voice betrays my true feelings.
“I won’t betray your trust, Simon. What you told me, will never leave this apartment. You need to be who you are when you’re ready.”
My shoulders sag in relief, but I already knew he wouldn’t say anything.
“But if you challenge me and flirt with me in public like you did in the club, I won’t hold back. I personally would love everyone to know you’re mine.”
That wakes me up.
“I’m not yours or anyone else's, Carlos.”
He walks over and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips and slaps my ass. I’m too stunned to respond.
“You keep telling yourself that,” he whispers as he leaves me standing in his office like a little prick.
Forget what I said earlier, he is a fucking asshole.
When I get back home, I have to gear myself up to walk inside. As I walk in, there is chatter and movement in the kitchen, which is normal. I walk past the open door slowly, but nothing gets past fucking Aaron.
“Hey, you’re back! Want some breakfast, Simon?” he shouts from the doorway and smirks before going back inside the kitchen.
“Simon, that you? Get in here,” I hear Lev shout, so now I have no fucking choice but to go in.
I feel so uncomfortable. I’m trying to act like I normally act, but it must come across as weird because it's obvious I’m acting.
I avoid eye contact with Aaron, just waiting for him to blurt out every thought in his head.
Lev is sitting next to him and Seb is standing at the kitchen sink next to Ivan. At least they aren’t all here.
“Where the fuck were you last night? You’re supposed to let us know if you are away for the night.
And before you say anything, yes we did fucking call,” Lev scolds me and I only nod in response, while grabbing a glass and filling it with cold orange juice, hoping it will give me the ability to talk.
“Did you fucking hear me?” Lev asks again as I swallow the juice down in one go. Clearing my throat before answering.
“Yeah, sorry, it was a last minute thing. It won’t happen again.”
At this point I notice Dima at the doorway, listening to our conversation.
“What is wrong with you, Si? You’ve been distracted lately, lazy and careless at work. Having an attitude with clients,” Dima says, and in a more concerned way than the heartless Lev.
“He’s got a boyfriend,” Aaron says, breaking the silence. My eyes fly to his in warning.
“Since when?” Lev asks.
“He’s been missing twice now at night, both times he comes back with hickeys and look at his hair? He never has messy hair,” Aaron says with such confidence, I’m completely dumbfounded. How does he pick this shit up?
“I haven’t got a boyfriend,” I say.
“A hook-up?” Seb asks, and I turn to glare at him. Not wanting this attention.
“Why do any of you care?” I ask.
“Because it's affecting your job and you’re not yourself,” Dima says, and I let out a big sigh.
“It's Carlos, isn’t it?” Ivan says, and my whole body goes cold. Fear and anxiety start to build.
No, no, no. I can’t do this right now.
“If you mean that the fucker has insisted I go to Brazil for the favor because of my outburst, then yes, it’s to do with Carlos.”
“Brazil? That sounds fun,” Aaron says, and I don’t agree.
“What is your problem with him? Has he upset you?” Seb asks, and I look at Dima.
I'm not sure what he sees, but it's enough for a recognition that the pieces are falling into place and he won’t push it. I’m grateful for this as everyone watching and listening to me is too much.
My brain is confused enough without everyone else adding to it.
“Simon, come to my office so we can talk about the Brazil thing, then you can go get washed up,” Dima says and leaves the room, and I eagerly follow behind him, aware of everyone's eyes on me.
When we get inside, I close the door behind me and Dima points to the chair opposite his desk for me to sit in, which I do. I stare down at my entwined hands, unable to look at him.
“Listen, you know I’m not good at this shit. So I’ll just say what I think as your friend and as your boss, then whatever you do, is up to you.”
“Okay,” I say, and get the courage to look at him as he talks.
“Clearly, you’re going through something, which I can only speculate about.
Personally, after listening to the guys gossiping and what I’ve see with my own eyes, I think you and Carlos like each other and have been fucking.
I also think you’re afraid to come out and tell us, but I’m not sure if that's because it's Carlos, or because you’re gay.”
My breath is shallow, my skin clammy at hearing these words. It's like a tidal wave of emotions, waiting for something to happen which never comes. Then I’m left on edge like it will happen when I least expect it. Which is so fucking dumb.
“I think it's because you’re gay or whatever, and if that's right, I’m struggling to understand your hesitance to be open when this is the gayest family you’ll ever meet. Am I close?”
I don’t want to confirm, but I owe it to Dima to give him something. I gently nod and he sighs, sitting back in his chair. I don’t think he’s hurt, but his eyes are full of confusion and questions. Maybe disappointed?
“I’m sorry if we’ve done anything to make you feel that way,” he starts but I put my hand up to stop him.
“No, D. This is just a fucked up brain situation.”
“When you were younger? Before you came here, did something happen?”
“Yeah.”
“You know we got your back here and you do this when you’re ready. But I have to warn you, the boys know. It’s all they fucking talk about, you two hate fucking.”
I scoff at that. It's hard to hear but there is a tiny piece of relief. I just don’t know how to navigate this.
“You do what you need to do, but Simon, you can’t let this shit affect your work or our relationship with Carlos. Otherwise, we will have to have words and decide where to go as I have to have guards I can rely on and trust, you understand?”
“Yeah, I get it. I’m sorry D. I’ll be good from now on, I swear.”
He relaxes and moves forward, leaning his elbows on the desk.
“Good. So you are to pay your debt in Brazil and deal with it without causing drama or a scene. Carlos’ family are very powerful and won’t take kindly to attitudes. You support Carlos as he tells you. Got it?”
“Yep.”
I really don’t, but I’ll try.
“I spoke to Carlos yesterday and you leave in two days. You’re flying in a private jet, courtesy of the Silva family bringing their boys home. Represent us well, Simon. Any problems, you know we’re here.”
“Thanks Dima.”
“Okay. Take these couple of days to get packed, we don’t need you on shift. Ivan can cover and Kai will have to help out.
“Jules will love that.”
“Well, Jules ain’t the boss. Go on, get out.”
I quickly get up and rush out of the office, straight to my room, needing space and silence to digest what’s just happened.
Dima knows. Holy shit, he knows about me and the world didn’t end.
I’m still here.