39. SIMON
SIMON
T he sheets are clean, the bed warm, and I lay for a while, eyes open, watching the dim early morning light creep across my ceiling.
The pain in my back that was once sharp and all consuming, has dulled to somewhat bearable.
It no longer screams with every move. I can lie flat now, which feels like a treat after so many days trying to sleep on my stomach without moving.
The house is so quiet. You’d think I would enjoy it, but I prefer noise.
For once I’d prefer the idiots in this house to chatter so that I don’t have time to think.
To ponder. It’s been four days since I arrived home and I’ve heard nothing from Carlos.
A few times I nearly caved and texted him, but the last thing I want is for him to think I care.
I stand from the bed and walk into my bathroom, and look at myself in the mirror. I reach behind myself and run the tips of my fingers over the wounds. It’s still tender enough for me to flinch, but that’s progress. I can move easier without gritting my teeth.
Dima is to thank for that as he hired a doctor to make sure I was looking after myself correctly, on the right medication and doing some gentle exercises. I’ve even had my favorite meals cooked for me by Kai. Obviously I’m in no shape to go back to work, but they have all been quietly supportive.
Except for Carlos. You would think he would want to know how I’m doing, if I’m still alive.
After I manage to wash and dress myself, I decide it's time I start trying to do things for myself and go downstairs to make a coffee. I put on a light t-shirt that doesn’t hurt my skin, and a pair of grey sweats with thick white socks, and take my time walking down the stairs. Caution is key here.
There is nobody around when I enter the kitchen so I make my drink without any issue.
Leaning against the worktop, the heat from the mug is soothing against the cold air that's leaking through the partially open window.
The city at this time of year will be a frozen city of steel and smoke.
But here I feel suspended and cocooned. Between memory and future.
I take a sip of my drink when Seb comes in, who looks ready to go for his standard morning run.
“Simon. You’re up early, are you okay?” Seb asks, checking me from top to toe for hidden injuries.
“You need to stop. I’m fine and just want to get back to normal.”
“That’s good to hear. Now that you are up and about, I was hoping you would come to the bar tonight? Kai will be there. Thought it would be nice to have a drink. Get out of the house.”
“Huh. That's actually a good idea.”
“Great!”
“Why are you so cheerful this morning?” Lev grumbles at Seb as he walks in.
“Simon’s coming to the bar tonight for a drink.”
Lev turns to look at me, and unlike Seb, it’s probably to check that I’m not being forced to socialize.
“Good.”
“I think so. I’m off for a run, see you losers later,” Seb says before leaving.
“Are you sure you’re up for the bar?” Lev says, assessing me for lies.
“Lev, stop. Please be normal and act like you don’t give a shit.”
“I’m only asking. Tyler said we have to be more emotional and aware of your feelings.”
“Please don’t listen to Ty. Just treat me normal.”
“I know you are. It’s all the fuckers we’re allowing into the family that have issues.”
“Have you…err…have you heard anything about Carlos?”
Lev waits before answering.
“I think D did. Why?”
“No reason, just wondered what happened after we left.”
“I can show you, I filmed it for Aaron.”
“I heard. Just forward to me and I’ll watch it later,” I say. Why the hell did I say that?
“Cool. I’ve gotta head out, see you later.”
My phone pings a few minutes later with a video attachment from Lev. Oh god. Do I watch it? It may help, seeing them die, to help me move on, won’t it? According to Aaron it was awesome.
My fear is, will it set me back to remember the feeling of being back there in that room?
Back in my room, I lay on top of my bed and run my finger over the play button on the video Lev sent me.
I’m hesitant. Noah said to kill the demons before they kill me.
Does the same apply when watching those demons die?
Will it stop them eating away at every part of me until I become a shell of myself?
Fuck it. I press play.
I can’t blink. I can’t breathe. And it’s not because of the violence.
It’s because of the sexy ass guy who is shirtless, sweaty and tinged with blood.
This is supposed to be an exercise to rid me of my nightmares, of the hold that family has over me.
Not a version of porn that I’m willing to lap up in the name of Carlos.
The sound of the whip as he assaults Enrico, doesn't match the sounds of the whip when it was happening to me. It’s different.
Instead of reliving the pain and humiliation, it triggers a very different response.
Desire. And I’m pretty sure that's all because of Carlos.
He looks phenomenal. His sweaty tanned skin calls to me like an ice-cream on a hot day.
I want to lick it. With the salty sweat and trickles of blood, what would that combination taste like?
My cock is awake and I’ve found myself a new kink. Watching Carlos beat the fuck out of someone when he’s half naked. That's my thing. He’s tired now from the lashing he’s giving, his muscles are extra defined from the exertion, his panting comes through the speaker like he is right next to me.
I’m painfully aroused, so I pull my joggers and underwear down enough to release my dick.
It bounces in excitement as I spit in my hand and get to work.
I’ve no time to waste, no time for teasing.
Only cumming matters right now. Just as Noah starts to take over, I rewind the video and watch Carlos again.
I can’t take my eyes off him. I rub my dick with a strong grip and fast strokes, repeatedly spitting in my hands to make sure my hand glides with ease.
My orgasm starts to build to a peak, I begin to pant, wanting to cum but also wanting to make it last. My toes curl as I watch Carlos’ abdomen flex with every blow to the back he serves Enrico. It’s stunning.
“Oooh shit,” I gasp, closing my eyes and focusing on the sound of Carlos’ rapid breathing, just like he does when he’s about to cum when fucking me.
On the last crack of the whip, I groan as I cum like a champ. Fuck me, I needed this. I needed to feel good. I drop my phone to my side on the bed, the video continues to play in the background as I try to gather myself. I need a shower.
Grabbing the tissues from beside my bed, I quickly clean up, only to hear Gabriel’s voice from the video.
They filmed that too. I swipe my phone up and watch as Carlos torments his father and that dumb old man, Bruno.
The anger that I felt while there comes back tenfold, the bastards talk about me like I’m nothing.
But Carlos stands by me. Holds his ground as he shows them they are not in control.
Lev moves the camera around and I see the array of people there and realize what Carlos did. He risked his life to ensure I had mine. He risked his life to make his own way.
My mind is split in two. I can understand rationally that he was in no position to take on his family alone.
But the other part of me, the needy part, wanted him to try.
Maybe it’s my screwed up head. If that shit with Mr. Morgan and Leo hadn’t happened, then maybe I wouldn’t be such a fuck up.
Being out in the open with a man would be easy.
The thought that Carlos was abandoning me in that moment wouldn't have even entered my head. The problem is that I can’t separate the two issues. My past and present.
I need to stop thinking before I have a full breakdown. Tonight I will use it as a starting point to get myself back on track, a drink with the boys will help the old Simon to come back. To return to the fold like I never left. With only a few extra scars.