Chapter 28. Tessa
Tessa
I race to the wall, screaming “REED!” I run my fingers along the seams, pounding on the bricks, trying to find some crack, some fissure, some way to break through.
He can’t be gone. Not like this. Not after all those hurtful things I said.
Why was I so cruel? Of course he was freaking out; he felt responsible for his father’s death.
But did I see the signs? Did I listen? No. I snapped at him. Like I always do.
I pinch my eyes tight, unable to shake the pleading look on Reed’s face. He needed my help. And I did nothing.
I’ve saved no one.
My failures keep stacking up, one upon the other. The weight of them becomes a force so suffocating, I don’t know how to go on. If I could launch myself though the door after Reed, I would.
I bang against the wall again, until my hands are raw and swollen. “Reed, come back!” Tears stream down my cheeks. “Can you hear me, I’m right here!” Bang, bang, bang. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said before. Please come back!”
But it’s no use. I sink to the floor in despair, dropping my head on my knees.
What fate have I condemned him to? What lurks behind Carl’s door?
I can’t put my finger on it: It looked the same as Hal’s, but something felt off about it.
When Hal stepped into his great unknown, it was welcoming. This time, it felt like a threat.
Across the room, Carl watches me with interest, a cat eyeing a shiny new toy, as if he’s imagining the fun he can have torturing Tilly and me.
“Boo-hoo,” he says. “Your precious golden boy is gone. That’s what you get for coming after me.
You want to weep over him, be my guest. Personally, I don’t see the appeal.
” He saunters backward toward the stairs, arms stretched wide.
“Me? I’m a fucking god now. I was always invisible, always ridiculed and passed over in life. But not anymore.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re more invisible now than you ever were before,” I snarl. “That’s what it means to be a ghost.”
Carl tsks. “Such a temper. But don’t worry, I don’t plan to stay invisible.
I plan to make my mark here.” He walks up the stairs, only pausing when his eyes are level with one of the basement windows.
Several potted plants are tucked along the sill.
“Do you know what that is?” He arches an eyebrow in wait.
“No? It’s Dionaea muscipula, the unassuming but deadly Venus flytrap.
” He runs his finger along the bumpy ridges of the nearest plant.
That’s right. I forgot he was obsessed with those.
“You see, Tessa”—he bites out my name—“the world is made up of prey, victims ripe for the plucking, and those with more … predatory urges.” He flashes me his teeth.
“Now, some carnivores are ostentatious, all claws and fangs. But there are others, just as deadly, who set their traps quietly and lie in wait. Like this Dionaea muscipula here. You have to admire the patience.” He laughs softly.
“Tilly will be mine, or she’ll die. Or both.
Because what I have, what I’ve cultivated, is persistence, and deadly patience.
” And with that, he waltzes up the final steps, heading no doubt for Tilly’s house to begin his campaign of terror, and I have no clue what to do or how to stop him.
So instead I shiver on the cold cement floor, broken, paralyzed with grief, and utterly alone.
I languish in Carl’s basement, feeling hopeless.
How long has it been? I check the phone.
Five p.m. I don’t bother calculating how many days remain.
I don’t care anymore. Reed promised we’d go through our door together.
I know I never promised the same, but it doesn’t feel right to leave without him.
It doesn’t feel right to be without him at all. I need him.
For a brief moment, when Carl fell, I actually thought I could have it all, both Tilly and Reed. Tilly would be free from harm, able to live her life as she pleased. Reed and I could get our happily ever after and leave together hand in hand. But now he’s gone. How do I do any of this without him?
I curl up in a ball on the floor as waves of guilt overtake me.
Carl won’t know the trick to reappear places, so he’ll have to travel on foot to Tilly’s house.
That affords me some time, but he’ll likely get there soon.
I know she needs my help. I should go to her now, but I feel trapped, overcome by my failures.
Who am I to change anything? Help anyone? All I do is make things worse.
All my second-place trophies swim before my eyes, taunting me with the reminder that I’m never quite good enough. It should have been Reed who stayed. He’d know what to do. But Tilly’s stuck with me.
I hug my knees tighter to my chest, wanting nothing more than to disappear. This is one test I don’t know how to pass. There’s no book to study, no answer key, no prescribed way to get from point A to point B.
It’s just me, alone, with all my shortcomings.
I can’t overpower Carl as a ghost, can’t beat him in a fistfight.
My last remaining shot is to come at Carl as a fade.
I’m tempted to jumpstart the process, transport myself back to the hospital and run though people left and right.
End it all in a blaze of glory and await the transformation.
But then I think of my dad. I’m not sure why my brain has settled on him in this hour of self-pity, but it occurs to me that he’s someone who’s faced his fair share of setbacks in life.
He lost his wife; he almost lost custody of me; he lost his job; for a while he wasn’t sure if he could afford to keep our home.
But he still picked himself up day after day, dusted himself off in the face of his failures, and tried again.
That’s the man I saw and loved. The man who tried, not the man who failed.
So, why can’t I give myself the same grace?
I sit back up, lean against the bricks behind me, and close my eyes.
We are not our failures. I am who I am in spite of them—or maybe because of them.
I don’t need to be afraid all the time of not being the best. A thing is still worth doing even if you don’t get the number-one spot.
Besides, life can be lonely from that vantage point.
What’s worth fighting for isn’t some tally on the point board, it’s the things we care about and the people we love. And I love Tilly with my whole heart.
And, without a doubt, I love Reed, too. If I wondered before, I know it now, down to my bones.
My stomach flutters thinking of his whispered promises in the bedroom and him bathed in starlight on the mansion roof as we lamented the lives we could’ve had.
He’s so unbelievably beautiful, smart, and thoughtful.
I want to shout my feelings through the wall, in case he’s listening on the other side.
Anything to cover up the deep ache of losing him.
What was it Hal said? Bravery isn’t always rushing off to fight the dragon. Sometimes, it’s picking yourself up after crippling loss.
I’ve lost my life, I’ve lost my college dreams and future, I’ve lost the boy I love, but so help me, I won’t lose Tilly.
She needs me. And Reed would want me to do all I could for her, no matter what happened between us. I stand up and wipe the tears from my eyes, steeling myself for what’s next.
We may come into this world alone and leave it alone, but before I go, I’m shoving Carl out first.