Chapter 37
CHAPTER 37
SAVANNAH HOLLINGSWORTH
I crumple to the floor, still leaning against my door. Tears stream down my face. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and not think anymore. I just want to evaporate, rising into the thin air. I don’t want to feel this intense pain anymore.
A knock comes on my door. “Savannah, open up. I want to talk to you.”
Pain slices through me as I hear Noah’s voice. I can’t have what I want. If I open the door, I’m opening myself up to torment, like my mother went through. Like she’s still going through. It will hurt even worse. I must stay strong and not open the door.
“Savannah,” he says softly. It sounds like he’s sitting down, as his voice is at my level. “I don’t understand.”
I nod, knowing he’s right, that he couldn’t possibly understand. He doesn’t know what I went through growing up, with a father that resented me. He hated my mother, and cancer made him that way. No matter how much Noah thinks he loves me, he will not feel the same way after losing everything he has.
“I’m not perfect,” Noah says through the door. “Things somehow got all messed up. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I’m sorry.”
I cover my mouth with my hand as more tears spill over onto my cheeks. It’s not Noah’s fault. Everything is my fault. This cancer … it’s like a weed. It grows where it’s not allowed. It spreads, and ruins everything good.
“I’ve done some pretty terrible things in my life,” Noah says. “When my parents died, I was so angry.”
I put my head in my hands. Noah’s not a bad person. I’m the one that’s bad. This is all my fault for grabbing Noah’s arm and telling him to pretend to be with me to get Donald off my back. I did a really bad thing, and now he’s suffering because of it.
“You know how well I handled things,” he goes on. “I almost went to jail. In fact, Tobias told me once he was worried I’d be in jail most of my life.”
I look at the door and wonder when he’ll give up. How long will he talk to a silent door? I wait, letting the silence stretch.
“I know your father treated you and your mother poorly, but I swear Savannah, I’d never do that to you. I’ve worked through all of my anger. I have no anger left in me.” He pauses. “I love you,” he says quietly.
Pain stabs through me. I love him too. I don’t know when I started to love him, but I realize it now. I do love him.
“I regret a lot of things I did when I was growing up, but the one thing I regret more than anything is not coming after you. I let you slip through my fingers, like sand. I won’t do that again. I’ll never leave you. I won’t let anything come between us. In fact, I’m going to sit right here until you open this door.”
I wipe at my face. He’s not leaving?
“I mean it. I’m going to sit here all night long if I have to. You can’t avoid me forever. You’ll have to leave the house eventually, and when you do, I’ll be here.”
I look down to my fingernails. Would Noah really sit outside of my house all night long?
“I need you, Savannah.”
His voice sounds vulnerable. More tears run down my cheeks.
“It’s okay if you don’t open the door. I’ll just stay here and tell you all the reasons I need you in my life.”
I place my hand on the door. I want to feel his touch. I want to believe we could have something. I’m just so scared.
“You see me as someone good. You always have. Even when I was a reckless teenager, you saw past my rough exterior. You see the real me.”
I slowly nod. He’s right. I never saw what others saw in him. I’ve always seen the caring and fiercely protective side of him.
“You make me laugh. You bring sunshine into my dark world. You know exactly what to say and when to say it.”
I close my eyes. He’s really not leaving, is he? I stand on shaking legs.
“You bring such beauty into the world with your photography, and with your sweet nature.”
I turn the deadbolt, and it clicks. Noah’s feet shuffle. “Savannah?”
I pull the door open. “Do you really mean that?”
Noah doesn’t hesitate. “Yes. I meant every word I said.”
I open the door wider, and Noah walks inside, pulling the door closed behind him. He takes me in his arms. “I was so wrong to let you go the first time. I’m not doing it again. And I’m not letting something stupid like cancer scare me off. If you have to go through it again, and again, I’m going to be there for you, whether you like it or not.”
A surge of longing rises in me. I really want that to be true. But how can I believe him? “My father stayed with my mother, but he’s hated her for years. I couldn’t stand to see hatred in your eyes.”
He steps back and looks at me, his eyebrows pulled together. “How could I hate you? Savannah, I love you. I always will.”
“But my father?—”
Noah places a finger on my lips, silencing me. “I am not your father. How could you even think I could be like him?”
I blink at him, stunned. “I…” I shake my head, trying to clear it. “I don’t know,” I finally say.
“Your father and I are nothing alike. I really hope you see that now, because I would gladly give away every penny I have to spend one more minute with you.”
Hope rises in my chest. “You would?”
“Of course. I don’t need fifty million dollars. I need you .”
I blink back more tears. “What if I get cancer?”
“We’ll get through it together. But you know that there’s no guarantee you’ll get sick again, right?”
I hang my head. “The odds aren’t good.”
“But they’re not 100 percent, either. Anyone could get cancer. Even I could. You can’t live your life worried about the future.”
I slowly nod at him, the realization coming into focus. He’s right. I can’t spend today frozen in fear because something might happen.
He pulls me tight to his chest. “You are precious to me. Nothing in this world is going to tear me away from you. Not cancer. Not finances. Not anything.”
I swipe at the tears on my cheeks. “I thought if I kept pushing you away, it wouldn’t hurt so much when you realized I was damaged.”
Noah places a tender kiss on my forehead. “You’re not damaged. You’re human. And I love you, not despite the hard things. I love all of you. The scars. The strength. The unbridled anger at your walls.”
I laugh through my tears. I really want to believe Noah, that I am enough…flaws and all. But I have to be sure. “I can’t give you everything you want. I can’t have children.”
“Do you think I care about that? Savannah, you’re the one that matters to me.”
“You won’t resent me, later on?” I ask it so quietly, it’s hard even for me to hear.
Noah gently caresses my cheek. “Let me be perfectly clear. I want you. Not some unrealistic dream of the future. Not a life devoid of hard times. I want you to stop pushing me away. Let me in, Savannah. Please.”
My heart thumps in my chest. This is what I’ve been longing for. What I would give anything for. I can’t believe Noah is here telling me exactly what I need to hear. “I love you,” I whisper.
“Thank goodness. Because I never stopped loving you. My love has grown so large, it consumes me.” He kisses my lips. “And I never want to be apart from you again.”
I cling to him. Noah is my everything. And for once, I feel like there’s a real chance we can be together. He’s right. He’s not my father, and I need to get the fear out of my head that he will turn into my father.
“I won’t push you away anymore. I need you.”
He smiles at me. “I’ve waited so long to hear that.” He kisses me once more, and I finally feel like my life is whole. Like I can breathe deeply.
Like my world is complete, with a future I never thought I could have.