Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Everyone is here. Dad in the kitchen brewing coffee. Taylor breastfeeds Lindsay in the living room. Landon filling up her Yeti for her. Mom’s sitting at the dining room table next to where I ate breakfast, my cereal bowl cleaned up. Mom sits up at my appearance, and I hold her gaze.
“Can we talk?” I mouth. She nods and follows me into my bedroom.
“Look, sweetheart, I’m …” She trails off when I hold up my hand to stop her.
“Mikayla and I didn’t stop being friends because of some childish jealousy.”
Her eyebrows pinch, clearly confused by this unexpected statement. She’s sitting on the end of my mattress, but I’m too riddled with anxiety to sit down beside her.
“We stopped being friends because of Gabby, but not why you think.” I start pacing, and Mom’s frown deepens.
“Lily, what’s going on?”
“Gabby stole my diary. She read it and found out that I was confused. Casey wasn’t the first girl I had feelings for … Mikayla was.”
Mom doesn’t say anything, her face expressionless, as she looks at me. I stop pacing and cover my face with my hands.
“Gabby told Mikayla what she read.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Mom stands. She holds her arms up to hug me but stops when I take a step back.
“That’s why we stopped being friends. Mick could never look at me the same way after. She tried, but she was so weird with me. And then she stopped talking to me altogether and replaced me with Gabby.”
There’s a twitch in Mom’s jaw, and her expression hardens. I blink and it’s gone. Her face now soft and concerned. “I didn’t … How come you didn’t tell me? I always thought …”
“I didn’t—” My voice catches. My vision blurs with a fresh wave of tears. “Lily, you’re overreacting. Lily, you’re just paranoid. Lily, stop being so dramatic.”
“Oh, sweetheart.”
My lip trembles as the tears streak my cheeks. “How could I tell you when all of you blew me off when I called it—I called it!” I messily wipe my face with my palms. “And what if you all stopped looking at me the same way too? What if you all were weird with me?”
“You know we all love you,” Mom says. “That never changed.”
I groan. Here she goes. Just because they ended up being supportive and loving doesn’t erase the fear I had that they may not be. But, as always, I make things a bigger deal than they need to be.
“I know that now,” I say roughly. “I learned that at sixteen, but little thirteen-year-old me only ever heard how immature and dramatic I was. How could I know you all wouldn’t say it was no big deal she stole my diary? That I wasn’t just overreacting, and it was my fault Mikayla pushed me away?”
“You’re right,” Mom says, and I falter.
“What?”
“I’m so sorry, Lily. We weren’t fair to you. We did blow off your concerns, and it made it so you couldn’t trust us—confide in us—and I’m so very sorry for that. What Gabrielle did was despicable, and best believe I would have handled things had I known.”
I stare, momentarily knocked speechless.
“I didn’t know that’s what happened with Mikayla, and I’m very disappointed in her, if I’m honest. Her parents didn’t raise her to be that way.”
I shrug, because who knows if that’s actually true.
We didn’t really talk about the LGBTQIA+ community when I was growing up.
There was one visibly gay boy in Lucy’s grade, and the grown-ups discussed him in hushed whispers.
Not knowing how they felt about being queer is a big reason I was so afraid to come out to them.
And, sure, they became more outspoken as allies after I did come out, but I don’t know about Mikayla’s parents.
I avoided them at all costs after everything went down.
“Sweetheart, you shouldn’t have had to go through that alone,” Mom says.
I wipe another tear away. “I didn’t. Emily and Casey know.”
Her breath catches, and she nods thoughtfully. “That’s good. I’m glad. But still, I wish I could have been there for you. That I could have done something.”
“There was nothing to do.”
She gives me a doubtful look. Then asks, “Is it okay if I hug you?”
I nod weakly and collapse into her embrace. Her comforting arms around me bring more tears to the surface, and I let my mom hold me as I sob like little thirteen-year-old me always wanted.
Her shoulder is a mess of snot and tears by the time I’ve composed myself enough to pull away. She rubs my back soothingly and leads me to the bed, where we sit, her arm still wrapped protectively around me.
“This is why you only come home to visit when we’re at the lake house,” she says.
“You noticed that?”
“Of course.” She tsks herself. “I wish I would’ve put the pieces together sooner. I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It’s fine.”
She hugs me tighter because it’s not fine.
“And this is why you get so upset when I try to get you to move home?”
I nod. “About that … So there’s actually someone I’m kind of seeing, but I think I might’ve messed it up.”
She pulls back to look down at me, her face asking me to explain.
“I love her.” I smile through my tears. “And that scared me, so I’ve been putting space between us. I know she can tell, and I feel like crap.”
“It sounds like you just need to talk to her. Explain all this.”
I swallow. Mom gets up to grab me a box of tissues, and I take two. Getting to my feet, I take a deep breath. “Okay. Yeah. I’m going to go talk to her.”
“There we go!” Mom cheers. “Win your woman back.”
I roll my eyes, but playfully. “You’re ridiculous.”
“Made you smile.” She points at my cheek.
I agree and head toward the door.
“Hey, Lily,” she says when my hand is on the knob. “Tell Harlow I say hello.”
My mouth falls open. “How did—? Did she tell you?”
Mom winks. “She didn’t, but we can talk about it later. Now go, get your girl.”
I smile. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
After a quick shower, to stop feeling so gross, and a small detour, I head to Harlow’s.
I’m relieved to see her van parked outside, and, after a couple deep, steadying breaths, I slowly make my way to the door.
My stomach is twisted in knots, and the back of my neck is sweaty despite the crisp breeze.
Harlow answers the door in a black T-shirt and sweatpants, her expression difficult to read.
Daisy, on the other hand, is overjoyed by my arrival.
She rushes forward, and it takes great effort to keep what’s in my hand hidden behind my back while I lean forward to let her.
“Lily? Hey. What’re you—?”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “Maybe I should’ve texted before showing up, but I wanted to apologize and explain. And I wanted to do it in person.”
“You didn’t need to text first,” she says and steps back to welcome me inside.
I do, angling my body so she can’t see behind my back. Daisy prances in behind me and catches a whiff of what I’m holding. She hops up, sniffing the bag, tail wagging.
“Daisy,” Harlow warns.
“Ah crap,” I say as Daisy tries to knock the bag from my hand. I lose my grip, and it falls.
“Daisy!” Harlow scolds.
“Well, this was meant to be a surprise for after.” I pick up the bag and grab the dog cookies I bought, keeping the other item as concealed as I can. Holding the cookies up, I ask, “Is it okay?”
Harlow smiles softly and nods. Daisy sits without me having to ask, and I feed her one. I watch, delaying a moment longer to build up the courage.
“I was … I was scared,” I say. “Mikayla was my best friend from diapers until I was thirteen. What happened with her and Gabby?” My voice falters.
“It crushed me. It’s taken me a long time to realize how much it’s messed me up.
And that I’ve been keeping everyone in my life at arm’s length to avoid anyone ever getting close enough to hurt me, but I don’t want to do that anymore.
“I’m sorry for being distant since our conversation Friday night and for blowing off gayme night. I was trying to push you away because I wasn’t just scared—I was fucking terrified—because … I’m in love with you too, Harlow. And …”
With shaky hands, I open up the bag and pull out Rivals for Catan, the two-player version of our favorite game to play together.
“Catan?” Harlow asks, her eyebrows furrowed with obvious confusion.
“I love playing with you online. I love trying to outdo one another, finding the wildest popcorn seasonings we can. I love how you love traveling as much—if not more—than I do. And so, I don’t want to just play Catan with you over the phone, I want to play with you in person.
I’m tired of living eight thousand miles away from everyone I care about. ”
“Wait. What’re you saying?”
I give her a timid smile. “I’m saying I want a future with you too. I want to move back. My airline doesn’t have a base in the area, but there’s other airlines. I don’t care about making captain or starting over if it means I get to be close to Em and Casey, and my family, and you, Harlow.”
She smiles, full and warm, and it makes the tension ease from my shoulders. “Really?”
I nod.
“Because I don’t want you to uproot everything for me—I meant what I said. I wouldn’t ask you to do that. I know how important your career is and—”
“It’s not just for you. I mean, you’re a huge part of it since you’re the reason I finally stopped avoiding all my shit and started processing my trauma. But, look, the only thing that I have in California is a job. My whole life is in Michigan. It’s time I stop running from it.”
Harlow brightens. She’s never looked so radiant.
“Can I kiss you now?” I ask.
She closes the distance in two long strides and wraps her arms around me, lifting me off my feet to kiss me.
Her lips are soft, and they feel like coming home.
Warmth floods me, and I cup her face in my hands.
Daisy’s excited barking makes us both smile when we break apart, our foreheads pressed against one another’s.
“God, I really thought you were here to break up with me,” she says after we kiss again, and she sets me down.
I cover my face with my hands. “Ugh, I’m so sorry, babe.”
“I get it,” she says softly. “I was scared too.”
I give her a dubious look. “You? When?”
She chuckles. “That’s the real reason I didn’t want a relationship.
I lied when I said it was because I was too busy with The Sweet Spot.
I swore off dating after Suzie because I gave up believing in love.
I thought all relationships were doomed to be like my parents, so there was no point bothering with one. ”
“Oh, my god, really? What changed?”
“You.” She takes my hands in hers. “I was so into your gorgeous, bratty-ass and your smart, little mouth from the first night we were together.”
I laugh. “Stop.”
“I’m serious.” She smiles. “It’s why I kept trying to avoid you.
I could just feel it, if I let myself get close to you I was going to fall for you—hard.
I thought us living so far apart and being casual would help me keep my feelings under control.
” She shrugs and gives a cute little knowing look. “So much for that.”
“Oh, my god,” I say with a cheeky grin. “You liked me the whole time?”
“I know. I’m sorry,” she says. “It was messed up to lie and knowingly be casual with you all the while I was already falling in love with you.”
“It’s okay. I just—How did you get past thinking relationships don’t work?”
“I made a lot of appointments with my therapist. And it’s really helped seeing your parents together and then Brandon and Carlos—did you know they’ve been together ten years?
I know it takes a lot of effort to communicate and work through things with your partner, because disagreements are normal, but I finally believe it’s something that’s achievable. ”
“Well, first, I’m so proud of you,” I say. “And, second, I’m very impressed. I need to sign my ass up for therapy.”
Harlow barks out a surprised laugh.
“I’m serious. I feel like my stuff is so little in comparison, and it’s kind of embarrassing how long I’ve let my ex-childhood best friend influence my life and keep me from ever having a real relationship.”
“Stop,” she says seriously. “Everyone’s pain is valid, we don’t get a trophy for having it ‘worse’ so there’s no point in comparing.”
I pause. “Yeah. You’re totally right. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” The corner of her mouth quirks. “I think we’ve both apologized enough for one day.”
“Oh, for sure.” I reach around her for the two-player version of Catan that at some point ended up on the floor. “Do you want to play a round?”
“We could or we could …?” She wiggles her eyebrows. I laugh and playfully slap her shoulder.
“Definitely that.” I toss the game on the couch, and I kiss her again.