Chapter 8
THE WEDDING WOLVES
Tim
IMPORTANT WEDDING QUESTION.
Tim
OKAY. URGENT. CRITICAL. LIFE-ALTERING.
Tim
We need to finalize the wedding menu and SOME OF YOU (Amelia) have not given me the attention I deserve.
Tim
So, I have prepared a draft menu based on vibe, aesthetic, and spiritual nourishment.
Tim
Courses are as follows:
Tim
Opening Emotion: A soup that tastes like falling in love with someone who sees you clearly and still chooses you.
Tim
Main Character Entrée: Dark meat, wild herbs, and a rosemary jus steeped in soul-binding devotion. Optional edible flowers for aesthetic alignment.
Tim
Pre-Dessert Palate Cleanser: A single raspberry served on a silk-wrapped ceramic with a handwritten note that says “You are loved.”
Tim
Dessert: Layers of emotion. At least one must contain chocolate, one must contain longing, and one must remind you why you said yes.
Marin
I would like to second this vibe and also add that the welcome cocktail should be called Eternally Yours.
Marin
It’s lavender gin, elderflower, and a dangerously high concentration of forever feelings.
Colin
Are you two high right now or just running on vibes and Pinterest fumes?
Tim
BOTH.
Tim
It’s called passion, Colin.
Amelia
I want bread. Just . . . really good bread.
Tim
Amazing. We’ll have a sourdough starter named after your emotional rebirth and laced with affirmations.
Tim
Maybe we’ll let it sit on the table with a little place card that says “Not hard to love. Just needs warm hands.”
Marin
And the butter will be whipped with rose, honey, and commitment.
Marin
It should taste like yes, every time.
Colin
You people are not well.
Gage
We’re not doing a raspberry on a ceramic tile. There will be an actual meal. Not this fever-dream menu you're concocting. Amelia likes steak. Add steak. She will eat. The rest of you can manifest whatever dinner you want.
Tim
And emotional sides! Like roasted root vegetables for grounding and brussel sprouts for generational healing.
Gage
No one is healing at this wedding. They are eating. And leaving full.
Colin
Finally. A voice of reason with a knife set.
Gage
I already booked the caterer.
Tim
YOU WHAT???
Marin
Gage. We were emotionally flavor-mapping. You can’t just drop a catering contact like that's not a betrayal.
Gage
You had three weeks and fourteen mood boards.
Gage
I locked it in before someone suggested “mushroom risotto for inner child reintegration.”
Amelia
Mushroom risotto sounds good, though. Can we get that?
Gage
You can have anything you want, Princess.
Marin
Look at you, using emotional healing language
Tim
Okay, but that was a textbook healing buzzword deployment and I’m honestly so proud of you.
Colin
Gage. You've been in this group chat too long and absorbed the language of your captors. Should we be worried?
Tim
Okay, first of all? Rude. My soul just left my body in a sequined sweatsuit, Colin.
Tim
Second, I would like to return to discussing the caterers and veto the phrase “locked in” because it implies the contract is final, and I haven’t emotionally connected with this menu yet.
Marin
Agreed. We were meant to reach energetic consensus on the menu before anyone started signing contracts.
Colin
It’s a wedding. Not an emotional vision quest with catering.
Marin
False. It’s both.
Tim
Also, Gage, I’m going to need a full breakdown of: protein options; dessert table selections; whether the espresso bar includes almond milk and wedding-based latte art; whether there will be gold leaf; AND whether I can have a separate macaron tower that spells out “Justice for Tim”
Gage
Yes; whatever dessert Amelia chooses; almond milk and art are not my concern; no gold leaf. And the macaron tower dies here.
Tim
I accept those terms. But what about if I design my tower in a private room? I’m thinking a velvet chaise lounge and a sign that says “No heteronormativity after 9pm.”
Gage
No tower. No lounge. No after 9pm.
Marin
Also. We're going to need a separate menu for people doing shadow work.
Colin
No one's doing shadow work at this wedding.
Marin
That's exactly what someone avoiding their inner child would say.
Gage
There will be food. It will be good. Amelia will love it. You will all deal.
Tim
You can’t steamroll our vision because you're the groom and think that puts you above the vibe council. This is not a dictatorship. It's a collaborative artistic experience.
Gage
I can and I will.
Amelia
I think I want vanilla cake. With lemon curd. And a thin layer of buttercream.
Marin
We will manifest a cake that understands your love and tastes like forever.
Tim
Amelia. My soul just left my body again. That’s not a wedding cake. That’s a soap flavor from Whole Foods.
Tim
You’re marrying a billionaire. And choosing a cake that tastes like early fiscal conservatism.
Tim
NO. It must be layered. Emotionally and literally. With more than just vanilla and buttercream and lemon frosting.
Tim
This cake will carry your marriage through storms and every season of your eternity. It must channel that with its layers.
Marin
I will consult the cake oracle immediately.
Gage
Whatever cake Amelia wants is what you’re getting. End of discussion.
Colin
Praise be.
Tim
You’re so lucky I love you, Amelia.
Tim
Otherwise, I would emotionally boycott this wedding and haunt the cake like a glitter ghost of rejected menu concepts.
Marin
I would join you. But like, with bells.
Amelia
I regret asking for bread.
Tim
TOO LATE. The bread is now a metaphor. It symbolizes how far you’ve come and how much you deserve softness.