Chapter 13
THE WEDDING WOLVES
Tim
UPDATE FROM THE ROAD. We are leaving soon. The Wedding Wolves are howling
Marin
Blackbriar, I am spiritually vibrating. Amelia, if this place is even half as amazing as the photos you sent last week, I will be weeping into the rose bushes before the welcome cocktails.
Colin
You weep during commercials. This means nothing.
Tim
FALSE. This means EVERYTHING. Our sister is getting married on sacred land her fiancé bought for her because he loves her so hard he had to erect a historical landmark about it.
Colin
You need help, bro.
Marin
I’ve visited once. Seen satellite pictures.
I’ve zoomed in on the hedges. If this estate doesn’t whisper “you are the moment” and spiritually wink at me like “yes, bitch, you belong” the second I arrive, while simultaneously falling to its metaphorical knees just because Amelia exists and walked in with main character supremacy, I will be hexing the architect.
Colin
Marin. I, again, have zero idea what you’re saying. But I support your love for my sister.
Tim
Hot take: If I don’t emotionally black out on the driveway and have to be revived with champagne and emergency affirmations, then this is not the wedding we promised ourselves.
Colin
I’m driving. If he starts chanting, I’m pulling over.
Tim
YOU’RE ALL WECOME FOR MY SERVICE. This wedding would be a beige nightmare if not for my artistic leadership.
Marin
Okay, but let’s talk about the REAL excitement: Today. Split squads. Girls go one way. Boys go another. This is the prelude to something unholy.
Tim
Oh, I have plans. Colin doesn’t know it yet. Neither does Gage. We’re doing whiskey, vintage suits, and maybe a tarot card reading from a woman named Chanelle who I found on Yelp and who guarantees spiritual clarity or your money back.
Colin
I’m not doing spiritual anything. I’m barely doing this group chat.
Marin
Amelia and I are going to do matching lipstick, cut flower stems, and scream affirmations into the sky. Possibly barefoot. Possibly with espresso martinis.
Tim
@Gage??? Your fiancée is about to run barefoot into the woods with a Leo rising. DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENT?
Marin
Yeah, why are you so quiet?? Are you mapping the estate for optimal vow acoustics? Installing hidden champagne fridges under the floorboards? Checking for ancestral ghost protection?
Amelia
You guys are exhausting.
Tim
You say that now but wait until you see what Marin and I manifested for your “I’m Not Crying, You’re Crying” moment.
Tim
Also, a reminder that I’m giving a speech. I will be referencing the “I will kill for her but in a tux” aesthetic. Because that is not a man. That is a romantic weapon. And I find that emotionally compromising.
Amelia
No.
Tim
YES.
Marin
YESSSS
This is your villain origin story and your romcom finale and your Soft Girl Gothic Renaissance Era all at once.
Marin
I’m unwell thinking about it.
Marin
Gage’s jawline deserves a slideshow.
Colin
One of you better have snacks.
Tim
I’ve got tissues, glitter, bourbon, and chaos.
Tim
It’s happening.
Tim
We’re really doing this.
Marin
ETA two hours. I’ve got crystals in my bra and zero chill. Let’s goooo.