Jasper #2
“How are the cats?” I said, before she could redirect the conversation somewhere safe.
She blinked. Then she laughed—a real one, surprised out of her. “You did that on purpose.”
“You were about to change the subject to something boring.”
“I was absolutely about to change the subject.” She set her fork down and leaned forward, and I knew from the look on her face that whatever she was about to tell me about those cats was going to be delivered with complete sincerity, and I settled in and gave her my full attention.
“Wentworth has been conducting a formal inquiry into your whereabouts,” she said.
“Daily,” she added. “Back of the couch, every afternoon, one meow. Very pointed. Like filing a complaint with management.”
“What time?”
She tilted her head. “What?”
“What time does he do it?”
She thought about it. “Around four, usually. Why?”
“Just want to know if I should be somewhere at four,” I said.
She stared at me for a second and then covered her face with one hand, laughing into her palm, and I felt it move through me—immediate and warm. I took a bite of my steak and waited for her to recover.
“Knightley has been more subtle,” she said, dropping her hand. “But I’ve caught him at the door twice. He won’t admit to anything if you ask him directly.”
“Smart cat.”
“Very dignified.” She picked up her glass. “And then there’s Darcy.” She paused, giving it the weight it deserved. “Remember how he got on the back of the couch behind your shoulder at lunch. Right behind you. His tail was touching your shoulder blade.”
“I felt it,” I said. “I didn’t want to make a thing of it.”
“Jasper.” She leaned forward. “He has never done that. Not once. Not for anyone who has ever sat on that couch.”
“What does it mean?”
She looked at me very seriously. “It means he’s decided he likes you,” she said. “That’s not nothing. That’s everything, actually.”
I held her gaze across the table. “Then I’ll take it seriously,” I said.
“You should,” she said. And then, softer: “He’s a hard sell. He doesn’t give that to just anyone.”
Neither do you, I thought. I didn’t say it. I just looked at her across the candlelight and took another bite of my steak and felt the evening wrap around us like something I wanted to stay inside for a long time.
I picked up my drink and leaned forward slightly, watching her.
She was relaxed in a way she hadn’t been at the start of the evening—the careful composure she sometimes wore around me had gone quiet, and what was underneath it was warmer and easier and open.
I wanted to keep it that way. I also wanted to know her, not the outline of her I’d been filling in from a distance, but the real version, the one that came out when she wasn’t thinking about being watched.
Books were the way in. I’d known that since I was seventeen years old, sitting across from her in a school library.
She talked about books how most people talked about the people they loved—with personal investment that told you everything about who she was underneath.
Ask her about a book, and you weren’t asking about a book. You were asking about her.
“What was the first book that wrecked you?” I asked.
She looked up from her plate. “Define wrecked.”
“Not made you cry,” I said. “The one that made you understand what a book could actually do. What it was capable of.”
She set her fork down and thought about it seriously, which I’d known she would, which was why I’d asked. The candlelight moved on her face while she turned it over, and I watched her and sipped my drink and didn’t rush her.
“A Tree Grows in Brooklyn,” she said finally.
“I was nine.” She paused, and something in her expression shifted into something laced with pain.
“I was at my grandparents’ house. Which is where I always was—every summer, every holiday, most weekends, and then eventually all the time.
” Another pause, shorter. “My grandparents raised me. My mother started leaving when I was six. A weekend here, a few days there, longer each time, until by the time I was eight it was clear that my grandparents’ house was simply where I lived.
” She looked at her glass. “I don’t see her much now.
She sends a card on my birthday some years. ”
She said it plainly, not for a reaction. The way you say something you have made peace with.
I did not react. I kept my face still and my eyes on hers, and I listened.
But underneath the stillness I was keeping for her sake, something had gone tight in my chest—the ache of hearing about a child who deserved better and grew up speaking about it like a fact of life.
A woman who left. A little girl waiting in a house that wasn’t quite home yet, learning to stop expecting the weekend to end the way it was supposed to.
I thought about Cara at eight years, old making herself at home in the place she’d been left, and I felt it hurt me in a way I was not going to put on my face because this was hers to tell and she did not need my grief about it on top of her own.
“Anyway,” she said. “I was reading under the covers with a flashlight in the back bedroom, and I got to the end, and I cried so hard my grandmother came in. She sat on the edge of the bed and held me and let me cry about a fictional girl in Brooklyn without making me explain what else I was crying about. She just knew.” She looked up at me.
“That was the moment I understood what a book could do. That it could explain something for you that you didn’t have words for yet. ”
I reached across the table and put my hand over hers.
She didn’t pull back.
I thought about a woman sitting in the dark on the edge of a child’s bed, not asking for an explanation, just staying.
I thought about the card that came some years and not others.
I kept my hand where it was and let her know I was there, which was, I was beginning to understand, what she had always needed most and received least reliably, and which I intended to simply be, for as long as she would let me.
She looked down at our hands for a moment, then back up at me. Something in her expression had gone soft and a little exposed.
“Your turn,” she said. “Tell me one of your secrets.”
“My dad drank when I was a kid.” I hadn’t planned to lead with that. It came out the way true things sometimes did, directly and without preamble, because sitting across from someone who had just told you their own secrets had a way of pulling real things out of you in return.
She went still. Giving me room to speak.
I kept my voice even.
“He wasn’t a mean drunk. That’s the thing I’ve struggled with longest. No shouting, no breaking things.
He just—left. Sat in the same room as us and went somewhere else entirely.
My mom would get quiet. Hannah would get small.
I used to turn the TV up to fill the space.
” I looked at the candle flickering on the table.
“He lost two jobs. My mom picked up extra shifts and never once asked him to acknowledge what she was holding together. I enlisted partly to get out of it. Connor came home from college when things got bad. He stayed in town while I enlisted and got on a bus.” I looked back at her.
“I’ve been making peace with that for a long time. ”
She hadn’t moved. Her hand was still under mine.
“He’s sober now,” I said. “A few years. He’s trying. I can see how hard he’s trying every time I sit across from him, and I want to meet him there. I just—” I stopped. “I’m still figuring out what to do with being glad he got better and angry it took so long.”
Her eyes were soft and completely steady, and she didn’t try to fix it, which was exactly right.
“You know my Aunt Nancy,” I said. “From the Pennywhistle.”
She looked up from our joined hands, something already softening in her expression at the mention of the name. “Of course.” A small smile. “Everyone loves Nancy.”
“My dad’s sister.” I turned my water glass slowly.
“I used to walk to the diner after school and sit in the back booth. She’d make me a grilled cheese between tables, no questions, no explanation required.
Just gave me the plate and then went back to her shift.
Sometimes I did homework. Sometimes I just sat there until she got off.
” I paused. “She never made me say why I wasn’t going home. ”
Cara had gone completely still across the table. Her hand underneath mine had stopped moving entirely, and something was happening in her expression that she wasn’t trying to hide.
“Jasper,” she said quietly.
“Mm.”
“I made you a grilled cheese.” Her voice had gone soft. “At our lunch. I made you a grilled cheese, and you closed your eyes on the first bite, and I had absolutely no idea.”
I looked at her. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you’d made me lunch in your apartment,” I said. “And it was one of the best afternoons I’d had in a long time, and I wasn’t going to put something heavy on top of it.”
Her eyes had gone wet at the edges. “You wouldn’t have ruined it,” she said.
“I know that now.”
She looked down at the table for a moment, and I watched her think about it—the grilled cheese, the closed eyes, the back booth at the Pennywhistle, all of it connecting into something she was feeling in a way she wasn’t trying to conceal from me.
When she looked back up, her eyes were bright, a little wrecked, and entirely beautiful.
“I’m going to make you grilled cheese again,” she said. Quiet and completely certain. “A lot, probably. Whether you want it or not.”
“I’ll bring the soup,” I said.
A small laugh escaped her. She shook her head slowly, hair falling forward, and I reached across and tucked it back behind her ear without thinking about it, and she went very still at the touch, and neither of us said anything for a second.
“Jasper Dean,” she said finally. “Please stop making me fall apart in the corner booth.”
“I’m just telling you true things.”