Chapter 23
“So you had another date with Jack last night?” Luci asks as she pops another jelly bean in her mouth.
“Yes…”
Her eyes narrow when I don’t immediately give more details. “Well? How was it?!”
“It was fine.” I flop down on the couch between us when she scoffs at that response. “He’s nice and he likes me—what more can I hope for?”
Luci’s hum in non-committal.
Boring Brother
Let’s grab coffee soon.
This is Jules in case those jackasses messed your phone up again.
I appreciate the clarification.
Favorite brother:
Do I even want to know what they changed it to?
Probably not. But don’t worry, I fixed it. *heart emoji*
The next several weeks fly by. Anders and I see each other in class and make time for each other a few nights each week.
It’s not enough, if I’m being honest, but I know this arrangement was my idea, and I don’t feel like I can or should ask for more. I still don’t feel like this is real. Like Anders could possibly want me.
But he keeps showing up. And texting. And bringing my coffee to class. And giving me mind blowing orgasms.
I have yet to return the favor, which feels weird. I’m starting to wonder if Anders has, like, a cheetah print dick or something. I would worry that I don’t turn him on, but I can feel how turned on he gets when we are messing around. And it’s not like he’s worried about his size—that man is packing some heat down there.
Every time I try to bring up the lopsided nature of this benefit-ship, Anders redirects the conversation. Or playfully asks if I’m disappointed in the benefits of our friendship. As if that’s even a possibility.
I walk into the Coffee Shop for my coffee date with Jules, thinking about how almost two months ago in this very place, I literally ran right into Anders. He came barreling back into my life so unexpectedly. It brings a small smile to my face just thinking about it.
“What’s got you so happy, baby sis?”
I startle, not realizing Jules has come up behind me.
“Woah, didn’t mean to scare you. I waved you over when you walked in but you didn’t see me. Here, I grabbed us some drinks and a table over here,” he says as he guides us to a table in the back corner of the shop.
Jules is the quietest of the four Bardot siblings. He’s got shoulder length wavy hair that is such a deep shade of brown, it’s almost black. He’s got it pulled back into a man bun today, showcasing the tattoos that peek up from under the collar of his black shirt. Jules always wears black and definitely gives off tortured artists vibes.
Aside from the haircut, he may look identical to his twin, Ben, on the outside, but they couldn’t be more opposite. Jules is dark to Ben’s light and bouncy nature. Ben and Gabe are actually much more similar to each other than Ben and Jules.
I know to call Gabe or Ben if I want some fun—to get out of my head. Jules has always been great about giving me a space to simply be. I can call Jules crying and he’ll tell me to come over, no questions asked. He always has my favorite Ben Jerry’s ice cream, Pistachio Pistachio, stocked in the freezer, even though no one else in my family will eat it. When I arrive, The Notebook is pulled up to stream or Carole King’s Tapestry album is blaring from his vintage record player. He lets me sit in my sadness until I’m ready to talk, and for that, I will always be grateful.
We also have the same coffee order, so he takes a sip of one of the black coffees in front of us and asks, “How are you?” Forever straightforward and to the point.
I nod slowly. “I’m good,” is my brilliant reply.
His eyebrow quirks up but he doesn’t say anything, just waits me out until I’m ready to spill, knowing that I will eventually. Even if it isn’t today.
I continue on, nodding dumbly. “Classes are good. I am really enjoying my practicum at the advocacy center. It’s really difficult but also fuels me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I really feel like I’m making a difference.”
I think my family was surprised when I decided to major in social work. My dad, Gabe, and Ben all work in finance, but numbers aren’t my favorite thing. I knew I wanted to do something that would feel fulfilling at the end of the day, even if I couldn’t make the same salary that you can make at a financial firm.
“I’m glad you’re liking your field work. It’s an important job.” He slowly sips his coffee and I know he has more to say. I can see the wheels turning as he decides how to phrase his next question. “How’s your class with Anders?”
The question takes me by surprise, but I should have seen it coming. Jules tends to fade into the background, which means he sees more than you think he does. I know he wants me to open up to him about what is happening with Anders, but I’m still not even sure I know what’s happening with Anders.
I love seeing him in class. Who knew Intro to Acting would become my favorite part of the week?
He still gets there early and leaves a to-go cup of black coffee by my chair. We don’t talk about class outside of it, but I can tell how much passion Anders has for acting, and I recognize the same fire burning in me when I get to talk to someone about my major and future career. He loves telling people’s stories and it’s fascinating to watch. I’d love to see more of that side of Anders, but I don’t want to cross a line when it’s already impossibly blurry.
I realize I’ve been silently contemplating my answer for too long when Jules interjects, “Or should I call him Professor Olsson?”
My jaw drops as my grumpy brother breaks into a wide grin, barely containing a full on laugh. “Really didn’t peg you for the type that had a thing for authority figures,” he continues.
My face feels red hot as I bury it in my hands. “Oh. My. God. I can’t believe those words just came out of your mouth. I do not have a ‘thing for authority figures,’ you creep,” I correct, unable to make eye contact with him.
“Then please do explain what the hell is going on with you and our eldest brother’s best friend. And don’t even think about saying ‘nothing,’” he chides.
I roll my eyes and lean my head back on a loud sigh. “But it is nothing, Jules. We’re friends. We see each other in class… and sometimes outside of class.” I chance a glance at Jules’ face but his eyes just look all-knowing. He’s always seen right through me.
“Oh sure, outside of class. Like when you hang out at Gabe’s apartment? Or at Sunday dinner?” he questions.
“Those places, mhmm.” I sip my coffee. “And maybe a few others.”
Jules just stares at me.
“Fuck,” I murmur. “Are we really doing this?”
He continues to stare at me.
“Fine!” I slam my coffee down hard enough for a few drops to slosh over the rim. “I like him, okay? I have for, I don’t know, ever, and he has feelings for me too but that freaked me the fuck out so I told him we couldn’t be more than friends with, erm, benefits.” I wince as I say these words to my brother. There are entirely too many Bardots that know the details of my sex life right now.
Jules, thank God, just gives me a “continue” gesture.
“I’ve always had a bit of a crush on Anders and—”
“We know.”
“—I’ve never acted on it obviously. Wait. You know?”
He has the audacity to outright laugh at this. “You aren’t exactly subtle, Bex. I’d wager a guess that our entire family, save maybe Gabriel because he has rose colored best friend glasses on when it comes to Anders, knows that you’ve had a crush on the guy since you were in high school.” He makes a circular motion around his face. “You read like one of your dirty books.”
I groan. “Oh God, why me?!”
“Is that rhetorical?”
I wad my napkin up and toss it at him. “Yes, it’s rhetorical you dingbat. Dammit. I don’t know what to do. Apparently this has been obvious to everyone, and I definitely don’t know what to do with that. I don’t like being oblivious and I don’t like being the butt of everyone’s jokes.”
Jules’ hand reaches across to mine. “Hey, slow down. No jokes here—we just care about you. And I actually think you and Anders would be really good together. He’s always brought out a side of you that you keep hidden from most people. I see the way you two banter with each other.”
I put my other hand on top of his, forming a Jules hand sandwich before laying my head down on the table. He just puts his other hand on top of mine until we look like a little league team getting ready to take the field.
“What scares you?” That question has so many different answers, I’m unsure where to start.
“Have you ever been in love?” is what I settle on, keeping my head down so I don’t have to look him in the eye.
“You love him?” he whispers back, surprise evident in his tone.
“I don’t know. But if what I’m feeling for Anders is even close to love, what happens when it inevitably all comes crashing down. I never felt this way with Jack and that breakup wrecked me.”
“Yeah but losing Jack isn’t what wrecked you. Feeling unlovable and like you weren’t good enough—which is complete bullshit by the way—is what wrecked you. Jack was fine, and you guys were fine together, but you didn’t stir each others’ souls. I could tell just by looking at you. He also got aggressive in the end, which had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.”
“Anders could wake up any day and realize that I’m not what he wants anymore. It feels so much easier to keep him at a distance.”
He ponders that for a moment. “To answer your question, no I don’t think I’ve been in love, but I can imagine that it is quite a terrifying feeling to give yourself so completely over to someone. To trust that they choose you and will continue to choose you. But you are worthy of being chosen, Bex. What happens if you let Anders prove that to you?”
Tears prick the back of my eyes before I shove them down. But I know the dam is close to overflowing if I don’t figure this out soon. I lift my head from where it’s been resting on the table and meet Jules’ eyes.
“Hey, JuJu,” I say, using the nickname I gave him when we were kids. I fold my hands under my chin to prop it up.
“Yeah, BB?” he replies, also pulling out a childhood nickname.
“I think he stirs my soul.”
Mimicking my position until our faces are level, he says, “I know, BB.”