Chapter One #2
“She apparently has a wish to gain my notice by creating scandal.” He frowned.
“It won’t work. I come up to London once a month for business.
I have no wish to involve myself with my wife, for if I did that, I fear the broken parts and pieces of me would rush up to destroy her. At least while I’m away, she’s safe.”
“As well as angry,” Averly said as he bounced his gaze between Eggleton and Thornton.
“The two of you have already been granted good fortune by having wives to begin with. Can you not spirit your wives off, fuck them senseless until they forgive you?” He shrugged.
“They’ll say they don’t want that intimacy, but deep down, every woman secretly wishes for the exclusive attention of their men. ” He winked. “I speak from experience.”
“Do shut up, Averly. This isn’t new love,” Eggleton groused as he poured another measure of brandy into his glass. “It’s quite different, as you’ll find out once you’ve gotten experience in your own union.”
Conversation halted as a few footmen came into the room bearing plates for all the diners as well as platters of food. Once the table had been set and the food served, the footmen departed.
Eggleton speared Dante with his gaze. “What of you, Udolpho? What is happening within your life that might give us all a modicum of hope?”
“Ha.” He sliced off a portion of his roast beef.
“I am not looking for a wife, for I’m quite content with non-lasting liaisons.
” It was better that way, for he’d done things over the course of his time as a spy-turned-assassin that didn’t warrant settling down or having a family.
He considered those a prize for a life well lived, and he was in the business of ending lives.
“Besides, I don’t believe in romance. It’s naught but a fairy story for children. ”
Averly snorted. “For some men, no doubt. Some of us are quite happy, thank you.”
“Deluded, of course,” Dante murmured in response. “My soul has too many dark marks against it to even hope for such lightness.” Even if he’d wanted that, which he didn’t.
“We all think that of ourselves,” Thornton said in a hushed voice as they all tucked into their meals. “Some of us do, indeed, have more darkness in our souls than others. Whether it’s true or not remains to be seen, but probably not in this world.”
Eggleton kept his focus on his plate. “That is exactly why I invited you to join this club, men like you.” He pushed a bite of beef around his plate.
“We have all done things we’re not proud of, things we’d rather be stricken from memory, but those things remain to fester in our souls, waiting to hurt us. ”
Dante stared into his wine glass. “Then what do we do about it? Wait until it kills us from within?”
“No, you arse, you find someone to talk to, someone you trust enough to lay bare your soul and in doing so, you find peace if you are fortunate,” Averly said with a shake of his head.
“Preferably a female who you can fuck along the way, because you’ll need to relieve the tension and needs while you’re sorting out the muddle of your mind. ”
Several moments of silence reigned as they ate.
Finally, Eggleton nodded. “I might be in the throes of my own complications, but what Averly said holds truth. Englishmen in general have been taught to internalize emotions and keep a stiff upper lip, even more so if they have been in the military.” He met Dante’s gaze.
“It’s the Christmastide season, Udolpho.
Find a woman. Bed her. Spend time with her.
Work your charm on her. Perhaps you’ll fall in love, perhaps you won’t, but it would benefit you to have a different perspective in your life. ”
Thornton huffed. “Or you could retreat to the country without the hassle of the woman.”
The older man narrowed his eyes. “That doesn’t solve anything. Trust me on this. When you keep secrets, when you withhold your truths, it’s ultimately more damaging.”
“And a woman will kill you anyway,” Dante said with heavy bitterness in his voice. “Women can’t be trusted, and I’m not certain Christmastide is enough to suddenly ‘cure’ me of what’s tearing apart my soul.”
“What a collection of arses.” Averly shook his head.
“I was once like you. Everyone here knows my history before I married. At the risk of being called soft, I’ll say this.
Deciding you want a different sort of life, that you want peace, won’t make you weak.
Will asking for help neutralize all your demons?
Of course not, but it will leave you a damn sight better than you are now.
Isn’t that something to consider?” He pinned Eggleton with his gaze.
“Even you. Be authentic when you talk to Her Grace, grovel if you need to, but patch it up. You founded this club so that men like you could gather here in friendship, and I’ll wager you wanted to assist us all in finding a love for the ages like you had. ”
Dante’s eyebrows rose. “Is that true?”
Ruddy color rose on Eggleton’s neck. “Perhaps in the back of my mind. Which is why I was so surprised and pleased when my closest friends here began to do just that earlier this year. Then everything began to go wrong, including my marriage. Now I’m not certain what to believe or which way to turn. ”
“This is ridiculous.” After shoving his plate of food away, Dante stood. “It’s far too depressing to be here tonight. I might as well go home.” When it came down to brass tacks, he didn’t want to be told he might need to go out into society and find a woman to court.
Sometimes the demons one knows are more comfortable than the demons one doesn’t.
“Stow your ego, Udolpho,” Averly said with a decided growl in his voice. “Broken is a death sentence, and philandering isn’t something to brag about. Sit the hell down.”
Baffled and somewhat chastised, Dante resumed his seat. “At least we’re honest here.”
Eggleton raised his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”
“Hear, hear!” Averly said while Thornton remained stoically silent.
Dante cleared his throat. “Will we attend Nottingham’s ball tomorrow night?
” The invitation arrived six weeks ago. It seemed the “duke” of Nottingham was so damned glad he’d reconciled with his wife who’d divorced him years ago that he wanted all of London to know.
Beyond that, he planned to remarry her on Christmas Eve.
“I believe we are all going,” Eggleton said with a nod. “There will be card rooms should we tire of dancing, and since I rather doubt my wife wants to go anywhere with me in society just now, that is where I’ll spend most of my time.” He sounded so glum Dante felt that emotion in his own chest.
“Well, I look forward to challenging your skill at the cards.” Outside an act of God, there was no way in hell he would willingly attach himself to a woman for anything beyond assuaging the needs of his body.
He’d had love once, long ago, but she’d been caught in the crosshairs of one of his contract killings, and had been stabbed in retaliation.
He’d held her in his arms as she’d bled out.
Never will I make myself so vulnerable.
It had hurt too damned much. Romance and Christmastide.
Bah humbug.