Chapter 27
MAYA
I’ve been living in paradise, and now, moving back into my apartment feels wrong on every level.
My heart feels heavy, my brain in a fog.
I was only at the Tribeca apartment for a few nights, but they were special.
They changed something fundamental in me.
It wasn’t just that Zach helped me by giving me a place to stay when I had nowhere to go, we crossed back into something that had never really started. We found our way back to each other.
Now that I’m back here, my world feels off kilter. Like my eyes are focused but everything around me is a blur.
Fleur is already in the apartment when I walk back in. Zach’s apartment was big, beautiful, light and airy. I felt like a million dollars just walking into that building, living my dream life, the kind of life my mom and I have watched others live.
This place is familiar enough, but it feels small and poky.
Guilt slowly crawls over me, because this should be enough—I have some crazy memories here, with Fleur, late nights spent dissecting her latest disaster dates, or me telling her about the latest verbal slaying from Katherine at work.
But suddenly, it doesn’t feel like home. It feels like a place I’ve outgrown.
I stand, looking around, keys still in my hand, forcing myself to breathe, and to adjust to this place again.
Fleur hugs me. “Welcome back!” Then she steps back, her arms crossed, her eyes examining my face closely. She can sense I’m not quite myself. “What’s going on? You look like you’re in a trance. You’ve been weird for days.”
“I’ve been busy,” I say, setting my bag down with a weary sigh.
“Busy, doing what? You just vanished, and you continue to dodge my questions.” Her eyes narrow to slits. “Where have you been hiding?”
“Who says I’ve been hiding?” My light laugh sounds false, even to me. “I was staying with a work colleague, and I couldn’t … uh… I couldn’t talk.”
“Which work colleague?”
I open my mouth, then close it again. I don’t even know where to start. With the truth? Or the lies? With the boardroom? The elevator? Or the diner?
“What was it like staying with Dave?” I want to retreat to my room and unpack, and dodge Fleur’s questions, but that will only make her more suspicious.
A knock at the door saves me. I frown and ask her, “Are you expecting anyone?”
“I hope not,” she snaps striding to the door and opening it, making me wonder what happened between her and Dave.
“Uh … hi,” she says, hesitating. “Uh …”
My pulse races. I don’t even need to look at the door to know it’s him, but I turn around slowly, my body reacting instantly as heat flares low in my belly, and every cell in my body jangles. All of a sudden I feel absurdly alive, sexy and unsteady.
“Hey,” I say, feeling sheepish. Zach left work early today, and I moved my things out of the Tribeca apartment. We didn’t really get a chance to discuss me moving back much.
“Hey.” Even his voice makes my insides heat.
“Oh my god!” Fleur screeches. “You’re … him!” She gapes at me, hands on hips, a slow understanding dawning on her.
He stands there, his gaze fixed on me, a sexy grin on his face, and his jacket slung casually over his shoulder, like he’s about to whisk me away. I wish he would.
“I’m Zach. You must be Fleur?”
“You know my name,” she sighs, happily.
His gaze dips to me. “Sorry. I should’ve called, but I was nearby and I—”
“You’re the friend Maya stayed with!” Fleur cries, unabashed. Her eyes meet mine, a hundred questions swimming in them.
I scratch the back of my neck, while Zach views this situation with amusement. It makes me happy that he’s turned up like this, unexpectedly. I wish we could go back to the Tribeca apartment and pretend we lived there.
Fleur shakes her head at me. “You stayed with Zach Knight! You didn’t even tell me. I knew you were being weird.”
I move to the door. “Come in.”
“I want to ask you something,” Zach whispers, his voice so low that only I hear.
I resist the urge to kiss him.
“Nice to meet you, Zach!” Fleur says, behind me, looking like she’s not about to go anywhere and let us have some privacy.
“Likewise.” He walks in, his gaze sweeping around our tiny apartment. “My brothers are throwing me a thirtieth birthday party and … I would love for you to be there.”
My breath stalls in my throat at the speed of the announcement. I’m thrilled that he’s asked me, but I’m torn, because I can’t be there. I don’t know how to deal with this. How to decline politely without hurting him.
“It’s nothing big, at least I hope not,” he says, reassuringly. “I told them to keep it small, but small is relative. I’d really like for you to be there.”
The room goes very quiet. Fleur’s gaze snaps between us. “A birthday party?” She has the ears of a dog hearing the crinkle of a treat bag. Her gaze bounces from me to Zach and back to me again. She taps me on the arm. “Yes. Say ‘yes.’”
“I’d really love for you to be there,” Zach implores, looking at me like he doesn’t understand my reaction.
“I can’t,” I say too quickly.
A birthday party, with his brothers and his father there? I don’t think so. Aside from the fact that coming face to face with his father would creep me out, I can’t do this to Mom. What would she think?
Then why are you with Zach?
I’ve tried to suppress this thought, but it’s been impossible, because being with him, finally giving in, felt so right. So familiar and safe. Like coming home. I’ve been so caught up in our own cozy bubble, that I pushed what Mom would have to say about this out of my mind.
His face falls. “Why not?”
I take a step back and scramble to think of an excuse. “Because ... I have … other plans.”
His brows crease. “I haven’t even told you when it is.”
“I know when it is,” I say quietly. I remember.
He looks surprised, then shrugs. “I remember yours, too.” The things that linger forever, dates, memories, precious moments. His expression sobers because my reaction is so muted.
“It’s not going to be on the actual day, Maya. It’ll be on the Saturday after.”
“I’ve got work stuff,” I say vaguely. “And Fleur and I were talking about doing something …” I gesture vaguely at my friend.
Fleur lets out a soft, incredulous laugh. “Were we?”
Zach looks at me, head tilted like he can’t work out my hesitation. This should have been straightforward. An easy answer. A definite ‘yes’. Only, I’m behaving strangely and he looks at me like he doesn’t understand. I can’t blame him. I’d react the same if I were in his shoes.
“It’ll just be us, my family, and some friends,” he says, doing his best to convince me.
Then I most definitely can’t be there. “I really can’t.” My tone is firmer now. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Not a good idea?” His disappointment is immediate and unguarded. “I’m turning thirty, and we’re having a party.” He pauses, watching me intently. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Of course not. It’s just … it’s just …” I scramble for good, realistic reasons. “It’s a lot.”
“What is?”
“The last time I saw your brothers was when I was living with my mom, in the staff annex. Mom was your housekeeper, and now you’re expecting me to go to your party, as your girlfriend. Don’t you see how awkward that might be?”
“For whom?”
“For me,” I reply quietly.
He takes a deep inhale. “It was so many years ago, Maya. We’re not at the Knight Estate anymore. So what if your mom used to be our housekeeper then? It’s got no bearing on where we are now, on who you are now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Your brothers …” I try to deflect.
“You were never scared of them before. Besides, you’ve already met Dex, and the others are easier, I promise. Except maybe, Jett.”
I stare at him. He reaches forward and takes my hand. “You more than held your own, and they’re not like that,” he cries.
“Like what, Zach?” He’s not making this easy. He’s not buying my pathetic little lies.
“Like … they care about any of that stuff.”
“Dex married an heiress.”
“It was a fake marriage. They’re not married anymore.”
“But you said he’s engaged now to the same woman.”
“He is. I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”
“It means she’s rich, from a wealthy family. She has the social significance your father craves. She fits.”
He didn’t see the way his father looked at me after he caught me and Zach in the library, a place I wasn’t allowed to be in. His father knew there was more to it, and he didn’t like it. I felt it then, and I know that man won’t have changed with time. He’ll be worse than ever.
Zach looks hurt. “When did that ever bother you?”
“It does now.” I used to be tougher when I was younger. I used to be more idealistic about the world. I used to believe in egalitarianism and equality, but the older I get and see how the world is, I realize things are so skewed.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but we’re not all like my father.”
His father. My insides quiver. I’m not scared of going. I’m sure I can hold my own among Zach’s friends and family, but I have to let him believe that I am, rather than tell him the truth.
“Surely this can’t be your reason for not wanting to come?”
I don’t know how to answer him.
“My family never scared you before.” He doesn’t stop pushing, and I don’t know how to answer him. I slap a hand over the back of my neck.
“It feels like you’re pushing me away, Maya.”
“She—” Fleur tries to say something, but I hold up my hand to her, silencing her. She means well, but I don’t need her to fight my corner. Besides, I’m not fighting, I’m walking away. It hurts me to see him looking so let down. “It’s not about you, I promise. You don’t make me feel like that.”
“Neither will my brothers. Just trust me, please? I’ll be with you. I won’t leave your side. Please come, Maya. Help me to celebrate my big day.”
His desperation kills me, and a prickly silence stretches between us.
This shouldn’t feel so hard, after the tenderness of our nights together, after how close we were when it was just me and him and the walls between us came down.
Everything now feels so fragile, and I feel like I’m the one breaking everything.
“Big events aren’t really my thing,” I say, trying to answer him without giving too much away. I feel like I’m skating on thin ice, praying it doesn’t crack and take me under.
“At least think about it?” he presses.
“Good idea.” Fleur steps between us and beams happily at him. “Don’t worry Zach. I’ll make sure she thinks about it.”
“Thank you.” He turns to me. “I’ll see you at work.” Zach’s last words to me, as he steps away, looking deflated. My chest feels so heavy.
As soon as the door closes, Fleur spins around. “What did I just witness?”
Where do I even start?
“Firstly, you’ve been staying with Zach Knight! How could you not tell me?”
I don’t answer.
She presses her hand to her chest. “There I was, sleeping on a couch with broken springs, and you were Pretty Woman-ing with Zach Knight!”
“I wasn’t paid by the hour, if that’s what you’re implying,” I mutter. I kick my heels off and sink onto the couch, my thoughts in disarray. I feel awful because I can’t unsee Zach’s face.
Just as we were finding one another, I’m now in this hopeless situation.
I can never tell him what happened because he’d hate his father, and I don’t want to be the reason he does, even though his father was the one who did wrong.
This man has already lost his mother, and I don’t want to be the reason he loses his father.
I can’t show him who his father is. I can never tell him the truth, or make him understand, without telling him why I can’t come.
“I want to know what happened.” Fleur sinks alongside me. “You disappear for days, then come back glowing, and then a billionaire turns up on our doorstep, begging, yes, begging, you to come to his party, and you make up silly excuses!”
“It’s complicated.”
She grabs a cushion and hugs it to her chest. “I know, hon, but that was in the past. This guy, from what I’ve seen, doesn’t seem to be anything like his father. I don’t think you’ve got anything to be scared of.”
“I can’t face his father.”
“It’ll be a big boat, just hide.”
“It’s not that easy,” I tell her.
She’s quiet, for a few seconds. “I think the real reason is that you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared.” I’m more angry and disappointed in myself.
“You’re scared of hurting him, of telling the truth.”
“Yes. Exactly that.”
“Why can’t you just tell him what really happened? You don’t owe his father any loyalty.”
I explain that his father is ill.
“That’s not your problem,” she says, gently.
I’m starting to question why I gave in to Zach, and why I’m with him.
I’ve blocked my mom out of my mind, so I don’t have to think about how disappointed and betrayed she would feel, but with secrets like this, do we even have a future?
I can’t face his father because I know what he did to my mom.
Not only has that scarred my mom, it’s scarred me.
It’s cut me deep. I had shut that part of our lives away, but seeing Zach again has brought all that hidden debris to the surface.
Fleur reaches for my hand. “Do you like him?”
That’s easy enough to answer. “Yes,” I whisper.
“You wouldn’t be with him if he was a dick like his father. You’re with him because you like him.”
“He’s not like his father,” I say softly.
I remember the way he smiled at me this morning, and how he held me, like I was precious, to be cherished, like I lit up his whole world.
Zach looks at me like I’m already a part of his life, and this thing between us seems to have taken on a life of its own.
It’s moving at breakneck speed, so fast that it’s easy for me to forget the obstacles I once saw.
I’ve pushed them away, refusing to see them, because for a little while, I’ve found my happy place.
With him. This man makes me ridiculously happy.
Do I like him?
Without a doubt. I’m starting to fall for him.
Fleur squeezes my fingers. “Then whatever this is, you’re not wrong for wanting it, or for being afraid of it. You can love someone and still protect yourself. Both things can be true.”
I hope one day I’ll be brave enough to tell Zach the truth. I just hope he’s brave enough to take it.