Chapter 33
MAYA
I rush into my apartment, slip my heels off, not wanting to wake Fleur, but the moment I close the door behind me, my body gives up.
I feel like I’m finally safe enough to fall apart. My stomach lurches violently, and I barely make it to the toilet before I gag, dry heaving until my chest burns and my eyes sting.
Nothing comes up.
I stand up, walk over to the sink and splash cold water over my face. Drying it, stare at my reflection. I look like I’ve seen a ghost. Pale and gaunt. Like my mom looked that night. I don’t recognize the face staring back at me.
The shock of seeing Paul Knight has physically affected me. After discovering what he’d done to affect our lives, I promised myself I’d never let a man like that have power over me again.
But tonight, I was helpless and powerless, and fifteen all over again.
I hated that.
I grip the counter, breathing hard, feeling hollowed out and empty.
I hear Fleur and hold my breath. I don’t want her to see me like this.
It sounds like she’s on the phone. I tiptoe to my bedroom and sit on the edge of my bed, my hands trembling in my lap.
I keep seeing Zach’s face flash before me.
He looked so confused and worried. So hurt, and yet he was so gentle with me.
So desperate to make everything better, but I knew he couldn’t.
It was nothing to do with him, but how could I explain that to him when he has no idea about any of this?
He doesn’t know that the man he calls father tried to take something from my mother, then punished her for refusing. He doesn’t know that the Knight name means fear and shame and survival to us.
And knowing that, I still let myself fall for Zach.
My mom will never forgive me. It’s the worst betrayal. And I can never tell him, because I care about him, and I don’t want to hurt him. It’s not revenge I want. I also don’t want Zach to hurt because it’s not his fault.
I curl forward, pressing my forehead into my hands. I hate that I lied to him, and I hate leaving him standing there, surrounded by people who love him, and wondering why I rushed away.
My phone lights up with a message from him.
Zach: Are you home safe?
My chest tightens. I stare at the screen for a long moment before replying.
Maya: Yes. I’m sorry. I just needed to go.
Three dots appear. Disappear. Reappear.
Zach: Who upset you?
He keeps digging and if I’m not careful, he’ll soon get to the truth.
Maya: It’s not like that.
It’s not a lie. Just not the whole truth. I put the phone face down before he can ask more questions I don’t want to answer. My mother’s voice echoes in my head, a warning from all those years ago.
What am I doing with Zach?
My common sense has flown out of the window.
What terrifies me most isn’t Paul Knight.
It’s how much I care about Zach and how easily I could imagine a future with him.
How tonight, before everything splintered, I was starting to think that being wanted openly by him, being accepted by his brothers, getting a sneak preview of the life he was inviting me into, it meant I could finally come to terms with the past. That I could handle it.
It’s never plain sailing. I ought to know that, after the life mom and I have lived. Loving Zach means standing in the shadow of his father and after tonight I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do.
“Maya?” A light knock on my door is followed by Fleur’s voice coming from the other side of it. I don’t answer, and I’m hoping she’ll think I’m asleep. But she knocks again.
“I know you’re not asleep, because you take ages doing your nighttime skincare routine.”
She opens the door a fraction, sees me, and rushes to my side, her face tightening with concern.
“Oh God,” she says. “What happened?”
I shake my head. Once. Twice. The movement makes me dizzy. “I’m fine.”
“You are so not fine.” She sits beside me. “Did something happen with Zach?”
“No,” I say quickly. “Not him.”
Her expression shifts. “Then who?”
I stare at my white and teal duvet cover for the longest time, my heart hammering like I’ve just run a mini marathon. “I saw him,” I say finally.
“Who?”
My throat burns when I swallow.
“Zach’s father.”
Fleur goes very still. “What do you mean, you saw him? You said he wasn’t going to be there.”
“He showed up.”
Her mouth parts slightly. “Jesus.”
I tell her everything. It tumbles out, haphazard, out of order. I struggle to relive it all again, the look on Paul Knight’s face when he realized who I was.
“I froze,” I whisper. “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even look at him without feeling helpless again.”
Fleur’s eyes flash with anger. “And Zach, what did he do?”
“He doesn’t know,” I say.
“Still?”
“Still.”
“Jesus, Maya. How can you keep this from him? It’s big. Big enough to split you up.”
If it hasn’t already. I can’t see a way forward for us after this. And yet, I can’t bear to walk away. It wouldn’t be fair to run like a coward. At the very least I owe him some sort of explanation.
“You should tell him,” she insists.
“I don’t want to do that to him. His father isn’t well.”
“His father is a monster.”
“He’s the only parent Zach has.”
“He’s still a monster.
“Zach looks up to him!”
“Because he doesn’t know what a despicable human he is.”
“I can’t tell him.
“You have to.”
Fleur studies me for a long moment. “Maya,” she says carefully, “he’s not psychic. He’s watching you shut him out and he has no idea why.”
“I know.”
The truth of it hurts more than I expect.
“He’s going to think it’s him,” Fleur continues. “Or that you changed your mind. Or that he screwed something up.”
I clasp my hands, trying to hold myself together. “He’ll never understand,” I say. “Even if I tell him, he won’t. Because he adores his father.”
“Only because he doesn’t know what sort of a man he really is.”
“He might not believe me.”
“Why would he not? He’s not stupid!” Fleur snaps.
“It will destroy him,” I say quietly. “And it won’t fix anything. It won’t change what happened. It won’t make tonight go away, or make the past be easier to deal with.”
Fleur exhales slowly, frustrated but not unkind.
“Keeping this inside you is already destroying you,” she says.
“I can see it. The past needs to be buried, hon. Not something you live your future by, looking in the rearview mirror of your life and seeing everything in relation to that. I’m sure your mom doesn’t live her life constantly thinking about what happened. ”
She’s right about that. I don’t even protest because I can feel the sickness sitting low in my gut.
If I could have it my way I would have kept this buried, and somehow tried to move forward in my relationship with Zach, somehow, in some way.
I thought I could, but now it’s been dragged into the sunlight, a spotlight shining on that ugly episode all those years ago.
An episode my mom never wants mentioned, and one Paul Knight will dread rearing it’s ugly head.
“I need my mom,” I say suddenly.
Fleur nods, agreeing. “Call her.”
I hesitate, because it’s after midnight and she’ll be asleep.
“I haven’t seen her in a while,” I whisper.
I’d visit her at least once a month, but lately, I’ve been so wrapped up in Zach, I haven’t made time for her, and now I feel bad.
I’ll call her tomorrow, or when I’m feeling better, because my mom can see right through me.
I lean back against the headboard and yawn, exhaustion crashing over me.
“You look exhausted,” Fleur says, getting up from the bed. “We’ll talk in the morning.”