CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Zane stared down at his leg and bent forward to give it a pat. “Welcome back, ol’ chap!”
Gareth chuckled. “Missed it that much, huh?”
“I really have. You know I’m not one to sit around, and this bum leg has definitely been forcing me to do just that.”
“Well, you’re not going to be running a marathon anytime soon,” Gareth reminded him. “You need to get some physio on that leg before you do that.”
“Still not planning to run a marathon, but I’d love to be ready to get back into the kitchen sooner rather than later.”
“I get that,” Gareth said. “But wait for the go ahead from the physiotherapist.”
“I’m not that close to getting back into the kitchen. But I want the option, if something should pop up.”
“How’re the headaches?”
“Better.” And Zane was glad that was the truth. “They’re not completely gone, but they’re lessening in frequency and intensity. It seems like the healing is happening more quickly now. The difference from last week to today is marked.”
“That’s good,” Gareth said. “Have you seen the neurologist recently?”
“I’m going back on Friday.” And he hoped that, even though he could drive himself, Kelsey would be willing to go with him.
“How’re things with you and Kelsey?”
Wasn’t that the question of the hour? Again… “Things are a bit tense. Though maybe awkward is a better word.”
Gareth frowned. “What did you do?”
Zane gave an indignant huff. “Why are you assuming I did something?”
“Kelsey has always struck me as all-in when it comes to your relationship,” Gareth said. “You, on the other hand, have been more reluctant to fully commit.”
“Well, honestly…” Zane paused, thinking what he was going to say.
He was going to tell Gareth that it hadn’t had anything to do with his reluctance to fully commit, but that wasn’t really true.
“Honestly?” Gareth prompted.
“Yeah. Okay. Maybe that’s partly true.”
His older brother leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “So what happened?”
“I may have overreacted on Friday night,” Zane confessed.
“At the basketball game?”
After hesitating, Zane dove into the details.
“So, wait.” Gareth sat forward. “You both decided to remove your rings until you were ready to fully commit, but you thought she should wear hers so guys wouldn’t hit on her? But you didn’t jump at the opportunity to put yours back on?”
“That pretty much sums it up.”
“I think you already know that that was perhaps the wrong position to take.”
“Yep. It feels like I’ve lost a lot of the progress I’d made with Kelsey.”
“You haven’t,” Gareth told him. “Do you think I’ve never messed up with Aria? Oh boy, I have. I almost lost the best thing that’s happened to me back when we were dating. I’m sure that every married man has had a misstep or two. It didn’t mean the end of the relationship. It meant that we had to step up and do the hard work to make things right again.”
“The hard work?”
“Well, for me, I had to apologize profusely for the way I reacted to something Aria hadn’t revealed to us when she came to work at the clinic.”
Zane nodded, remembering when he’d heard about all of that. “I do owe Kelsey an apology.”
“What are you going to apologize for?”
He thought about it for a minute, then said, “I need to apologize for asking her to wear her ring when I wasn’t willing to wear mine.”
“That’s a good place to start,” Gareth agreed. “But have you thought about why you’re not willing to make that commitment yet?”
Though he definitely had strong feelings for Kelsey, he didn’t feel about her the way he remembered feeling about Sarah. That was the standard he was measuring his progress with Kelsey against. Was that wrong?
When he asked Gareth about it, his brother said, “Comparing two different relationships made up of two different people—because you are different now than when you dated Sarah—isn’t a good idea. The reality is that you’ll never love two people exactly the same way. If your feelings for Sarah have truly changed, then focus on loving Kelsey. Don’t try to recreate what you felt with Sarah with Kelsey. She deserves her own version of your love. One that’s just for her. No one else.”
Zane had never really thought of it that way.
“I mean, would you like it if Kelsey told you she loved you just like she loved her last boyfriend? The one that turned out to be a dud?”
“No. I would want my own relationship with Kelsey.”
“And she deserves her own with you.”
“I’m not really thinking that much about Sarah anymore,” he said.
“Maybe not, but your relationship with her is still popping up in how you deal with crucial moments with Kelsey. In the future, you need to take a step back when presented with situations that tempt you to compare things with your relationship with Sarah and really focus in on Kelsey.”
Though Zane hadn’t been super close to Gareth growing up, he appreciated his advice. He knew it was basically the same advice Lee would have given him if they’d had a conversation about what had happened. For some reason, he’d avoided having that conversation, and he wasn’t sure why.
“Now I just have to figure out how to make things right with Kelsey.”
“I have a feeling that a conversation—an honest conversation—would be a good place to start. Don’t take her gifts as a way to apologize but avoid talking. You can take her flowers or whatever, but only as a way to get the conversation started.”
“Thanks for the advice,” Zane said, with total sincerity. “I really do appreciate it.”
“I’m happy to share what I’ve learned.” Gareth smiled at him “And the most important things I’ve learned are to take concerns to God in prayer, approach Aria with love, and always have open and honest conversations.”
It was such basic advice for a married Christian, and yet, it seemed to be a struggle to put it into practice. At least for him.
As he sat there, he thought about each of his married siblings and their marriages. Zane knew that they’d all experienced some bumps in the road with their spouses, both before and after their marriages. And yet, they’d found the way to work through the issues that had arisen.
He was determined to do the same with Kelsey.
“I’d better go,” he said, getting to his feet. It felt weird to not have the support of the boot, and for a moment, he felt uneasy putting weight on his leg. What if it hadn’t healed the way it should have?
“You’ll be fine,” Gareth said, clearly reading his mind. He stood up and followed Zane out the door of the office, and together they walked to the back door.
“Thanks again.”
Gareth reached out and pulled Zane into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you, little brother.” Moving back a bit, he gripped Zane’s shoulders, his brown eyes warm with affection. “I know you’re doing the right thing, and I can’t wait to see how God leads you and Kelsey.”
Zane felt emotion surge within him. He wasn’t a stranger to encouragement like Gareth had voiced, but in the midst of his current struggle, it felt like so much more than just simple encouragement.
“Love you,” Zane murmured past the tightness in his throat.
“I love you too.”
“Can a sister get in on this, too?” Janessa asked as she swept in and wrapped her arms around them both.
“Sure thing,” Gareth said with a laugh as he and Zane each wrapped an arm around her.
When Zane left a few minutes later, his heart felt lighter, and he knew it was now time to sort things out with Kelsey.
He wanted to say it was time to try to sort things out, but there was no try in this. Try meant there was an option for failure, and for the sake of his marriage, he couldn’t fail. He didn’t want to fail.
On the way home, he swung by the florist shop and bought a bouquet of beautiful autumnal flowers, then went by the coffee shop to pick up two coffees and some pastries. It wasn’t anything unique, but he knew that she liked all of it, and that was what he wanted.
When he got home, the house was quiet. He’d thought she would be up since she usually was when coming off her nighttime shifts for the week.
After a moment’s hesitation, Zane carried his purchases up the stairs and approached her door. Tucking the bouquet in the crook of his arm, he lifted his hand to knock lightly on the door.
It took a minute before Kelsey opened the door. She looked like she had just gotten out of bed, and her eyes looked a little puffy. Zane felt bad that he might have woken her.
Her eyes widened as she took in the items he held.
“Can I come in?” Zane asked.
Normally, he would never have asked to enter a woman’s room, but she was his wife, and they’d already been intimate with each other in a way he’d never been with another woman.
Her eyes widened even further as her gaze met his, then she nodded and stepped back, giving him room to step through the doorway. He gave a quick look around the room, noticing the unmade bed as he headed for the small sitting area by the bay window.
After setting the coffee and pastry bag down on the small round table, he turned to hand her the flowers. Only… she wasn’t there.
He noticed that the bathroom door was closed, so he sat down on the loveseat, leaving the other chair for her since it looked like that was her preferred seat. There was a blanket over the arm of the chair, and a notebook and a tablet were stacked on the edge of the table nearest the chair.
When he heard movement behind him, he turned to see Kelsey walking toward him. It looked like she’d brushed her hair, but she still wore the pair of leggings and oversized shirt she’d had on when she answered the door.
“How are you doing?” he asked, getting to his feet as she joined him at the chairs.
“I’m fine,” she said.
As they settled into their seats, Zane said, “Well, I’m not.”
Kelsey frowned at him. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong is that I hurt and upset you, and I feel horrible about it,” he told her. “I don’t like this awkwardness between us. I want us to work this out. If that’s what you want, too.”
Emotion flooded Kelsey’s face, and her eyes glistened with tears that didn’t remain unshed for long. “I want that too.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
Zane knew then that he had to fight for this. Over the previous weeks, he’d come to see what had probably drawn his forgotten self to Kelsey. And there was no sense in denying what he felt for her while he waited for… something—he didn’t even know what—to happen.
Dropping to his knees in front of her, Zane reached out and took her hands in his. He gazed up at her, taking in the misery in her gaze.
“I want this,” Zane said, earnestly. “I want this marriage. I want to make things work between us. I want you, Kelsey.”
As he said the words, a tightness he hadn’t even known he carried suddenly loosened in his chest, and peace flooded him.
Tears fell unchecked down Kelsey’s cheeks as she clung to his hands. Zane wished with all his heart that he could remember everything he knew of her, but he had accepted that those memories were lost to him.
It was time to build new ones with this woman who had been a stranger not that long ago. But now, there was love in his heart for her. More love than he’d realized until that moment.
“I don’t know why I reacted the way I did at the basketball game,” Zane said. “But I’m sorry for how it hurt you. I want to put my ring back on, and I want to put your rings back on your finger too.”
“You do?”
He could see that she wasn’t convinced, and he couldn’t blame her for that.
“I do,” he said. “I really do. I’m not sure you’ll believe me yet, but I want you to know that I love you.”
Kelsey’s jaw went slack, and more tears slid down her cheeks. “I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say those words again. I’ve missed us so much.”
“I’m not the same man that you fell in love with,” he cautioned. “Are you willing to accept that I may never regain my memories?”
“So much of you is still the same,” she told him, lifting one hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “There are things I have some questions about. But I think, if you love me now, I’m happy to leave those things in the past.”
“And focus on the future?”
She nodded as she once again gripped his hands with both of hers. “And focus on our future.”
Straightening, Zane pulled Kelsey up from the seat and wrapped her in a hug. He knew that this wouldn’t be their first hug in Kelsey’s memory, but it was for him, and he cherished the feel of her in his arms.
He lowered his cheek to rest it on her head, getting a whiff of vanilla shampoo. “You smell like cookies.”
For some reason, that seemed to trigger more tears for Kelsey. Zane worried he’d said something wrong.
“You always say that to me.” She finally got the words out as she tipped her head back to look up at him.
“I’m not surprised.” He gave her a wink. “You smell delicious.”
For a long moment, they stared at each other, then Zane felt drawn, as if by something deep inside him, to lower his head and press his lips to Kelsey’s. Maybe, if he had his memory, being wrapped in her arms would have felt like coming home.
Instead, all he felt in that moment was a sense of rightness. Like finally, after floundering for the past several weeks, he was where he belonged.
When their kiss ended, Zane rested his forehead against hers. “I honestly wasn’t sure if I could ever feel this way, but you have my whole heart. All my love is yours, Kelsey. Only yours.”
Kelsey’s arms tightened around him as she buried her head in his shoulder. He could tell she was crying again, and he thought he knew why. It pained him to think he’d inflicted so much hurt on her when he’d first woken up after the accident loving another woman.
Now, though, it was so important that she knew his heart belonged to her and her alone.
Moving them around a bit, Zane sat down in the armchair, then settled Kelsey on his lap. His arm went around her waist, his hand resting on her hip as she kept her head on his shoulder.
“I want to thank you for being patient with me,” he said. “I know that it was extremely difficult at some points, and no one would have blamed you if you walked away. I’m just so glad that you didn’t.”
“I needed to know that I’d done everything,” she replied softly. “That I’d given us every chance before I left. You probably would have had to be the one to tell me that there was no way it was going to work out. Until you said it was done, there was hope.”
“I may not have known what I was doing half the time, but once I started to come out of the fog of everything that had happened, I just couldn’t pull the plug on our marriage. It might have started as me not wanting to lose you for the me who fell in love and married you, but soon, it was for my sake, too.”
He hesitated for a moment, then said, “Is it wrong of me to not want to get my memory back?”
Kelsey straightened and stared at him. “You don’t want to remember those years? You don’t want to remember the relationship we had?”
Zane took a moment to formulate his response in his head before he answered her. “I don’t like the man I’d become. I walked away from my faith, and I distanced myself from my family. I even switched up the dream I’d had for my future as a chef. The only good thing from that time that I can see is you. I want to love you as this me, and I want you to love this version of me.”
“I do,” Kelsey said. “I love the man you became, but I love who you are now, too. I admire your faith and even though I’ve had a rough start with your family, I love how you relate to them. I wouldn’t want you to walk away from them or your faith again.”
Zane took Kelsey’s hand in his, staring down at her fingers for a moment before meeting her gaze again. “I’m glad to hear that because they’re important to me. Just like you are.”
“You’re important to me, too,” Kelsey said.
Though she smiled at him, he could see something in her eyes that seemed a little like sadness. “Is everything else okay? Your job?”
Her gaze dropped to where their hands were entwined, and her shoulders slumped. Letting go of his hand, she leaned forward and picked up an envelope that had been sitting on top of her tablet. She held it for a moment before handing it to him.
“What’s this?” Zane asked as he took it. He read the return address, but he didn’t recognize it. Glancing up, he saw a defeated look on Kelsey’s face. “Sweetheart, what is this?”
“Remember that day I went to Spokane?”
Zane nodded as he tried to figure out what could have happened there to upset her. She’d seemed tired when she’d come home, but otherwise, she’d said she was fine.
“Are you having health problems?”
“No. I took the nursing exam,” she said. “And I failed.”
Zane stared at her for a moment. “I’m confused. You’re a nurse?”
“Not yet, I’m not. It took me ages to get through nursing school, and I was just getting ready to take the exam in Tampa when you had your accident.”
“Why didn’t you say anything about this?” Zane asked, still confused.
Kelsey moved to get up off his lap, clearly distressed. Zane stopped her with a gentle hold, one she could break free of if she truly wanted to. He was relieved when she sank back onto his lap.
“I’m not mad,” he said. “I’m just confused. Did I know about this before my accident?”
“Yes. I didn’t tell you right away when we were dating, but I eventually did.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me—us—now?”
“I didn’t want people to know in case I failed.” She gave a sad laugh. “And look at that. I failed.”
“You only fail if you give up,” Zane said, thinking of the countless times he’d failed with recipes over the years. “Are you going to take it again?”
“I guess so.”
“Did you want to work at the clinic?”
Her eyes briefly widened before she shook her head. “No. And that’s why I didn’t say anything about being a nurse. I didn’t want your family to think I was trying to get into the family business.”
“I didn’t tell them?”
“No. I asked you not to.”
“You never have to hold stuff back from me for fear of failing,” Zane said. “I’d rather know and be able to support you. You’ve had a lot on your plate for the past several weeks. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to take an exam.”
“I know, but I wanted to have it all done, so that if you sent me away, I would have a chance of getting a decent job.”
Zane’s heart hurt at the very idea of sending her away, but he put that aside for the moment. “Well, I want you to take the exam again as soon as you’re comfortable doing so. If this is the career you want, then I want to support you as you work to attain it.”
Tears once again slid down her cheeks. Uncertain what had prompted them, Zane reached up to wipe them away. “Explain these to me, sweetheart.”
“You were the first person who truly believed in me unconditionally. My parents didn’t care about anything I tried to do, and when I failed, I was ridiculed. I quickly figured out it was better for me to just keep my goals to myself. Even when I did manage to succeed at something, they didn’t really care.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “When you lost your memory, in addition to everything else, I lost the first support I’d ever had. But now… now I feel like even without your memory, I’m getting that back.”
“Of course you are,” Zane said. “I’m going to be your biggest cheerleader! I can do a cartwheel and a backflip, and I’m sure Layla would teach me some cheers if you wanted that.”
Even though her eyes were still damp with tears, Kelsey laughed, and Zane counted that a win, even as his heart skipped a beat at how beautiful she looked in that moment.
“You’re beautiful,” Zane said, needing to share that with her since he hadn’t told her that yet. His old self probably had, but he had a whole bunch of catching up to do.
Kelsey cupped his face in her hands and leaned forward, her eyes free from the shadows of sadness that had been there earlier. “And you are so handsome. All the ladies at the restaurant used to tell me how lucky I was to have you. I always agreed, but not because of how you looked, but because you were—are—an amazing man.”
Zane had had no expectation of how things would go when he got home from the clinic, but this was better than he might have imagined. But he still needed to talk to her about one more thing.
After they shared another kiss, they moved to sit on the loveseat and turned their attention to the pastries and the coffee that had cooled slightly.
“I’ve been wanting to ask you something else.”
“What’s that?” Kelsey asked as she lifted her coffee cup to take a sip.
“Do you have any questions about God or my faith?”
“Oh.” A contemplative expression came over her face. “Well, actually, I do. I was planning to ask Rori and Carisa about it.”
“Are you comfortable asking me your questions?” Zane asked. “As your husband, I’d love to help you with them.”
Zane said a silent prayer that she’d feel comfortable with him because he wanted to help guide her into the faith in God that was so important to him.
“I want to know how to become a Christian,” she said. “Pastor Kennedy talks about how Christians should live, but I don’t have a clear understanding of how to become a Christian.”
Zane smiled at her. “That I can help you with.”
Nothing could have prepared Zane for how amazing it would feel to lead his wife to the Lord. To pray with her as she confessed her sins and accepted God’s forgiveness and gift of eternal life.
He may have lost his memory of the past four years and all the chef’s experience he’d gained during that time, but he had gained so much more. A return to his faith. A closer relationship with his family. But most of all, he’d gained Kelsey’s love and a marriage he was willing to fight for.