Chapter 13
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
ZIGGY
Leaving Wilde’s End isn’t something I enjoy. Out there, past the trees and the safety of the familiar, people are unpredictable and mean. I’m safe here.
I leave, but only when I need to. Getting solar power hooked up to the town was a lot of trial and error.
Solar isn’t something I’d ever learned about, so when I started the project, I needed more help than playing with parts could get me.
Rooney found people who knew what they were doing, and they helped me learn everything I could.
And then I came right back home again.
I remind myself, yet again, that it’s only for the day. Just a few hours to go with Kennedy, look up whatever we need to, and then come back here. He’ll be with me the entire time, and he might have been the one to say that he’ll follow me anywhere, but that goes both ways.
When it comes to getting to spend time with him, I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do.
Kennedy is waiting for me, leaning against the hood of his car, wearing denim jeans that hug his thick thighs and a button-down that looks fancier than anything I’ve seen him wear before.
Wish I’d gotten the memo that we’re dressing up. Though it’s not like that would have mattered when I own exactly three outfits. Well, two, considering I couldn’t find my favorite shirt this morning.
And even in my oversized T-shirt and jeans, Kennedy’s face splits into a grin when he spots me.
“I was starting to get scared you’d changed your mind.”
From spending time with him? Impossible.
I round the car to climb into the passenger seat, and it takes me a second to realize that he was watching me expectantly. We make eye contact through the window, and then he shrugs and joins me in the cab.
“I’ll figure you out yet,” he says, starting the car. “After yesterday, I assumed that you needed time to answer, and since I talk so much, I thought you didn’t bother around me because I never shut up. But that’s not it, is it?”
I could say the word no, but it’s not worth the effort when I can shake my head instead.
“Interesting …”
There’s nothing about me that’s interesting.
Kennedy’s impression of me has grown to the point that I’m scared that if I do get comfortable enough around him to talk beyond a couple of forced and rehearsed sentences, I’m going to shock him with the reality.
There’s nothing interesting. Or delicate.
Or fun. I’m a useless, pathetic waste of space, and I hate that he’s going to figure it out one day.
The constant battle I have with myself over wanting us to get closer and not wanting him to discover all my broken pieces is endless.
“We’ll head to the diner today,” he says, cutting through my nosediving thoughts. “They have free Wi-Fi, and I can buy you lunch.”
I’m about to decline his offer, but Kennedy turns away from me quickly. “What’s that? Thank you, Kenny? Oh, you’re welcome, Ziggy. It’s the least I can do since you’re working with us and not letting us pay you.”
I glare at the side of his face, and while he doesn’t acknowledge the evil eye, I know he can feel it.
“Ziggy, stop,” he whines in that same over-the-top voice. “I know I’m amazing and so generous, but you don’t have to keep thanking me. You’re embarrassing me now.”
I throw up my hands because there’s no arguing with him. Kennedy risks a quick look over from the corner of his eyes, and even though I give him my sternest expression, his smile doesn’t waver.
“You look like an evil kitten.”
A kitten? What the hell?
“Yes, a kitten.” His teasing is as irritatingly attractive as always. “You’re so cute and little.”
I’m taller than he is!
“Yeah, yeah. We’re close to the same height, but that doesn’t mean anything. You’ve got a sweet little face, and I bet if you could talk right now, you’d be telling me to fuck off.” He looks over again. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
If he wants a response, I’ll give him one. In the form of my middle finger.
Kennedy barks out a laugh and grabs my finger, giving it a gentle squeeze. “See? I’m learning. I told you that I’d figure you out, and I meant it.”
Why he’d want to waste his time is beyond me.
Still, a tiny trickle of warmth streams into my stomach that he’s actually making the effort.
He’ll end up disappointed, but that’s on him.
The problem is that I’m going to end up disappointed as well because no matter how much I try to live up to his opinion of me, I’ll never come close.
Goddammit.
Despite what the voices in my head say, I know I’m not a bad person.
Why shouldn’t I deserve someone like Kennedy?
All those past relationships of his didn’t know how to treat him right, and if I had his attention, if he smothered me in it, made me the center of his universe, I’d worship the hell out of him every goddamn day.
I’d treat Kennedy the way he deserves.
So if he’s going to try to get to know me, I’m going to try and let him in.
Feeling like I’ve been possessed, breath bottled in my lungs, I reach over and dip my fingers into the hair at the base of his skull. It’s slightly dry and fluffy, long enough to twist through my grip.
“Ziggy?” he asks, surprised, but doesn’t pull away.
I focus on two words. Just two. It’s important to me to get them out so he knows that I don’t take him for granted. That I appreciate the way he’s here, just to be here, and doesn’t expect more than what I can give him.
It’s what makes me want to give him everything I can.
And when I finally let the words go, it’s relief. “Thank you.”
The diner is louder than I was expecting. I like it. Mostly because people leave us alone to get on with our work, and sitting in this booth, pressed tighter to Kennedy’s side than I strictly need to be to see the screen, it feels like we’re in our own little bubble.
Am I deluding myself?
Of course. This isn’t real, and it never will be, but he’s letting me sit this close and get away with it, so I plan to take full advantage.
I spent the first little while being fascinated by how much technology has changed since I’ve been off the grid, but slowly, that fascination strayed from the screen to his fingers.
For hands that look like they’re made to be hauling timber and tearing apart insulation, his fingers move surprisingly nimbly over the keys. He talks through everything he’s doing, and I’m smart enough to follow along while being completely fucking enamored by him.
My heart hasn’t stopped all the little, sudden hiccups since we sat down. The smallest things bring it on, from him asking my opinion on site layout, to him having me point out what I want from the menu so he could order for me, to him chuckling over my amazement at his phone.
I dunno, Kennedy’s just a considerate guy. Growing up, my parents were more focused on working themselves into the ground to survive than anything else. In Wilde’s End, we’re a community, and we work together, but we’re still very much loners.
I’ve never had real friends, so I don’t know if this is how it normally is, but I don’t care.
All I want is to focus on Kennedy. Maybe it’s some aspect of him being a shiny new toy or me becoming legitimately obsessed with what a perfect person he is, but I can’t stop thinking about him.
Craving him. Wanting to be around him and nowhere else.
“Hey, Kenny.”
The cute voice makes me look up suddenly, and my gut lurches at the sight of a gorgeous woman in the diner uniform. Her curls are pulled back messily, and she has big lips and even bigger eyes. Eyes that are currently focused on the man beside me.
“Hey, Caroline. Late start today?”
“Had to take Mom for a doctor’s visit. Glad I got here in time to see you though.” Her gaze dips to his shirt. “You’re looking smart today.”
All the warmth and happiness from today disappears, like her flirty tone is the poison to my happiness.
Kennedy doesn’t immediately answer her, but when I look over at him, he’s wearing the same smile he normally directs at me.
Is she why we came here? Why he dressed up?
Work was a convenient excuse for him to get to see this … this …
I look her over, and my lips pull back in a sneer.
“This is Ziggy,” Kennedy says suddenly. “Ziggy, this is Caroline. She makes the best latte I’ve ever tasted.”
Caroline pulls her eyes to me. “Nice to meet you, Ziggy. Is that a nickname?”
I stare at her until the friendly expression fades.
“He’s shy,” Kennedy tells her, giving my shoulder a squeeze. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a warning to play nice with his girlfriend or a gesture of support, but I don’t care. They’re both lucky my voice is stuck, or I’d be telling her to go and thirst after some other guy.
“Aww, you’re so cute,” she offers, not picking up on my go away vibes. “You know what? I’m going to sneak you both a slice of cake.”
“You don’t have to—” Kennedy tries, attempting to be polite as always.
“Hush, you.” She bats her notepad toward Kennedy. “Anything for my favorite customer and his cute friend.”
She leaves us, and there’s no doubt in my mind that her friendliness has nothing to do with wanting a good tip.
I’m completely caught off guard by the sick feeling growing thick and fast in my gut.
There’s a nasty little voice reminding me that this woman is exactly the type of person Kennedy should be with.
Sweet, pretty, easy to talk to. But the thought of him being with anyone but me is excruciating.
Especially when I notice that he watched her walk away.
“You like her.” My voice is so weak, I’m not sure he’s heard me, but then he turns his attention my way.
“Caroline?”
I nod, bracing myself for his response.
Kennedy sighs, and my chest twists painfully when he doesn’t immediately deny it. “She gave me her number last time I was here.”
There it is. My teeth clench so hard I hear them crunch together.
“I gave it back to her.” His tone takes on a hint of something softer.
“I like her enough as a person to know that I don’t want to lead her on.
I’ve fallen in love too many times, and the next time I do it, I want to be sure.
I want it to be for the last time.” His speckled green eyes meet mine suddenly.
“I want to fall in love with someone who’ll appreciate it, Ziggy. Because there has to be someone.”
Me. I’ll appreciate it. I’d savor every goddamn minute of it. The problem though?
I have no idea what love is.
I’ve never been given it. I’ve never felt it. I’ve never been able to get familiar with the look and shape and texture of something too many people take for granted.
Caroline drops off the cake, interrupting our moment, and the hopeful smile she gives Kennedy isn’t returned. For one brief, unwanted second, I understand what she’s feeling.
Then I go back to hating her.
We eat the cake, and Kennedy switches back to work, and while he’s not watching, I swipe his phone off the table. He told me his passcode earlier, so I unlock it and open the browser. Using a phone similar to this is a vague memory that doesn’t feel real.
Then I type into the search box.
What is love?
I scour entry after entry while he works.
When I’m done, I’m more confused than ever.