Chapter 30
CHAPTER
THIRTY
KENNEDY
“Wait. I have something for you,” Ziggy says, untangling himself from where I was very comfortably holding him.
I’m still in awe over, well, everything tonight.
From the cute date to him telling me point-blank that he doesn’t like me not being around.
The hurt side of me doesn’t believe he means it, that as soon as I give in to who I am, he’ll run screaming, but the side of me that’s in awe of him is hopeful.
I know he doesn’t like to talk, so him using all those words on me has got me right in the chest.
Maybe, finally, I won’t have to fight for someone to see me.
He opens the basket and pulls out—
“What the hell is that?”
The smile he gives me is part cocky, part proud. I watch as Ziggy moves a few feet away, sets the firework on the ground, then lights it. A firework. Just like I’d joked about wanting.
He backs up as the string burns, and then it shoots into the sky. There’s a bang and an explosion of light, but I miss the whole thing.
I’m too busy staring at the side of Ziggy’s face.
At the way the red light brings his features alive.
And feeling the way my whole world narrows into the man standing in front of me while one thought fills my mind.
I’ve never been in love before.
Every moment up until a second ago, I would have sworn I had. I’ve felt it, I’ve dived into it, given it my all. But with one firework, Ziggy has cleaved my life in half.
Now I can’t work out what was so great about it all.
He laughs as he joins me back on the blanket. “Sorry, I could only get one last minute. That was fun though.”
For the first time ever, caring about someone doesn’t hurt.
“When I was younger,” I whisper. “I’m sure I remember Mom playing with us.
Building forts, and teaching me to ride my bike and …
” The memories always make my throat close up.
“Something happened. I can’t even pinpoint when, but it was like …
I had her, and she was my mom, and then one day, it hit me that I hadn’t had her for a very long time.
She was still there physically, but the person in her body wasn’t anyone I knew.
Dad was always sort of distant, so when he left one day and didn’t come back, it didn’t hurt as much. ”
Ziggy slides his legs back over mine, and I pull him close to my chest. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, but I need the cover of my face buried into his hair before I can say it.
“It’s always been me and Hart. He’s my twin.
My other half. Then Hudson was the one I looked up to.
But I lost them too.” My eyes sting, and every word tears at me.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to not be alone, Ziggy.
To have someone care about me like I care about them.
Someone who won’t abandon me just because I want to be needed.
” My body shakes, and I’m goddamn crying.
I don’t know when it started or how to make them stop, but I’m so relieved to finally be getting these words out.
“I have felt like the biggest failure for so goddamn long.” I sniff back the tears and pull away so I can see him.
He’s got that pinched look he gets sometimes, like he’s trying to bury his thoughts, but I need him to see how much this means to me.
“Thank you. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be seen. ”
He dries my tears the same way I dried his, and I know I’m fucked. I know he’s going to ruin me. I know, without a doubt, that if things don’t work out with Ziggy, it won’t be the same.
Our failure won’t be a notch in a long line of past regrets.
I’ll carry it with me forever.
And staring at Ziggy, watching the way he fights against the same pain I’m living with, I have a feeling he knows exactly where I’m coming from. He might not want to tell me right now, or ever, but he doesn’t need to.
Like I told my brothers, Ziggy communicates without words. His family have messed with him too.
So fuck Hart’s plan.
If this is going to work, we have to trust each other.
I’m going to give Ziggy all of me.
Give me a hot date, Ziggy, and sex under the stars, and I’ll be a happy, happy man. I get back to town with a smile on my face, ready to get a full day’s work in before Ziggy shows up later.
I’ve never felt this optimistic about the future, which is saying something, considering that’s my default. Ziggy has made my heart sprout wings, and if he ever clips them, I’m going to be devastated.
“Fun night of sex?” Hart asks, hunched over the paperwork on the floor in front of him.
“I got taken on a date.”
He eyes me suspiciously. “Like … to a restaurant?”
“Nope. Picnic under the stars. Where Ziggy told me to stop being weird and backing off and that he wants the obsessive, over-the-top side of me.”
“Well, you know what they say about being careful what you wish for.”
Normally, that kind of comment would put me on guard and question my decision. Not today. “Or maybe I’ve found someone—finally—who actually wants my company.” Then, because I’m still raw from last night, I add, “You know. Like you used to.”
Hart looks at me through hooded eyes. “When did I ever want your company?”
“Be a dick all you want, we used to be close. Same with Huddy.”
He doesn’t answer, and normally I’d let him get away with it, but not this time. Apparently, letting everything out at once has ripped off the guardrails.
“Actually, fuck you.”
That gets his attention.
“And fuck Hudson too.”
“What did I do?” he asks from the doorway, and it looks like he’s joined us right on time because I’m done with the both of them.
“It was bad enough when Mom and Dad left us to fend for ourselves, but at least I had you guys. Then you left me too, and I don’t know what I did wrong, but I needed you both.
And maybe I blame you a bit for me going into relationships too strong, especially when you tease me for it, because I’m just trying to not feel so lost and alone.
” I jab my finger at the ground. “And it was the two of you who made me feel this way.”
“Shit, Kenny …” Hudson starts, but I actually don’t need to hear it. I don’t need anything from them unless it’s genuine, and I don’t think yelling at them until they apologize will get me what I need.
I’m breathing like a bull, but the sound of a car outside saves me from talking about it any further.
“I’ll go see who it is.” My voice cuts through the silence, and the heavy stomp of my boots through the empty house follows it.
When I get outside and see Caroline’s shiny silver Prius pull up, my footsteps don’t slow.
“Morning,” I call to her as she climbs out.
The smile that reaches her eyes is bright, hopeful, and it’s like a gut punch. No matter what I’ve said in the past, Caroline is stuck on something between us. It tells me I’m making the right call. “Hey, Kennedy, I brought you breakfast. Your favorite.”
“Nice. Come walk with me.”
She hurries to lock her car and catch up with my broad strides. “You’re in a good mood.”
“Mostly.” She doesn’t need to know about me losing my shit back there. It’s like everything I’ve known has unraveled, and it feels both exhilarating and terrifying. Like playing jump rope with a live wire.
“Well, I’m happy to see you.”
“Yeah, I’m happy to see you too.” I stop and turn to face her so suddenly she has to backtrack a step. “I need to tell you that I’m seeing someone.”
“You’re …” The light behind her eyes dims. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve met someone, and I’ve fallen for him. It sort of snuck up on me, but since I know how you feel, I wanted to make sure I told you first.”
“But I thought you weren’t dating. That you—”
“I thought so too. That wasn’t bullshit.”
She takes a step back from me, chewing on her bottom lip like she can’t work out what to say. “It sort of feels like it was bullshit.”
“I know. Trust me, I know how it sounds. I really am sorry, because I do like you, but there was always something holding me back. Now I know it’s because I fell for him first.”
It’s like I can see the wheels turning behind her eyes. “Ziggy. It’s him, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. How did you know?”
Her eyes fall closed on a defeated sigh. “When I saw you in the diner together. I couldn’t explain it, but something about you together made me uncomfortable. That’s why I came here last week. I thought if we could get more time together …”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah …” She swallows thickly. “Me too.”
“If it helps, you knew before I did. Which, if you knew me at all, you’d understand how weird that is.”
“No offense … but I really don’t want to talk about you and some other person.”
“Sorry.”
She braces against the word. “I’m just going to go.”
And this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Her, leaving here upset. Thinking there was a chance when there wasn’t.
But that’s not on me.
I’ve been clear from the start, and if Caroline didn’t want to listen … I can’t even blame her for it. Because I’ve been in her position too many times to count.
I know exactly how she’s feeling. Every relationship, every potential, each time someone showed interest, I clung to it until it was torn from my fingers. It’s also how I know that I’ve done the right thing for her.
I force myself to keep my mouth shut as I walk her back to the car and watch her leave.
Hopefully, one day, we can be friendly again, but at least I know I’ve done everything I could.