CHAPTER 28
I lock eyes with Axel unintentionally. Every time I look up, he’s staring at me. I tried to avoid him, but those eyes – as piercing as they are – cannot be avoided. He tried to talk to me earlier, but Zavier distracted him. I know I left him hanging last week, and while it wasn’t my intention, I think it was much needed. It gave me room to breathe. To not be up under him, seeking comfort and support when those are things I should be providing myself.
“Sooooo, how are you feeling about him?”
“Who?” I ask, never breaking my gaze with Axel.
“That man over there who you can’t stop staring at. Y’all been kickin’ it, right?”
“Mmm, hmm.”
“Oh, wait one minute,” she says, grabbing a napkin and wiping her mouth.
I smile, because I know what’s coming next.
She says, “Don’t you start being all tight-lipped with me now...sitting over here staring that man down like he’s a slice of your mom’s pie, then talking about some, mmm hmm . I’ma need more than that.”
I grin and consider taking another bite of this hotdog, but I hold off. I’m not all that hungry, even though grilled hotdogs and mustard are one of my guilty pleasures.
But so are his eyes.
His touch.
His lips.
The way he chews.
His voice.
His beard.
That jawline.
His scent.
I can smell his fine behind from over here. I’ve never had a man touch me like him. Kiss me like him. Take control of my entire being like him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. I know he misses me, too, hence, his potent stares. Anyone looking at his gaze can sense the intensity and feeling behind it. Shoot, Capri even feels it.
“Walk with me,” I tell her. I stand up, grab my hotdog, and walk across lush green grass to a part of the yard that affords us a little privacy. I then turn to her and say, “Sorry. I had to get up in case he was reading my lips.”
“Your lips? Girl, he was staring hard enough to read your esophagus!”
I chuckle and say, “We’ve been getting close over the last few weeks.”
“Like friend close or that’s-your-man close?”
“He’s not my man. He’s told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.”
“With you specifically, or was he speaking in general?”
“It was more in general.”
“Girl, you can’t pay that any attention. Dorian told me the same thing when we first met.”
“Yeah, I remember you telling me that, but whatever the case, it doesn’t matter. I’m not ready for a relationship either.”
“Yes, you are.”
I laugh and say, “How would you know that?”
“Because I know you. Myra, I could feel the chemistry between you and Axel that day we were at lunch and he came in the restaurant. You didn’t even know him as well as you do now, but I knew something was there. And now, this man is at a family function.”
“Yes, but only because Zavier invited him.”
“No, because he was supposed to be here. Let me ask you this—how do you feel when you’re with him?”
The thought of answering that question has me warm all over. It’s also unnerving. It requires me to express my true feelings for this man to someone—something I’ve never done before. I take a breath and decide to answer truthfully when I say, “When I’m with him, I feel safe. I feel cared for. I feel like I’m the only woman in the world.”
“You feel all those things and the most you said to him all evening is like hi ?”
“I know. I’ll talk to him before we leave.”
“Please do. And I don’t want to have this talk with you again, young lady.”
I smile as we head back over to join the rest of the family. Axel doesn’t hide the fact that he’s staring at me. Reading me. Analyzing me. My heart palpitates at the force of his presence weighing upon me. Of realizing how much I really need him.
“Hey, I’ll be right back,” I tell Capri.
She continues to the table. I go inside the house for a moment, just to use the bathroom and take a few much needed breaths after escaping the intense heat of Axel’s eyes.
And now, I stand here at the sink, washing my hands, trying to figure out what I should say to him to break the ice. And I have butterflies. I smile small and say in a monotone, “Snap out of it, girl. He’s just a man.”
But I also know he’s more than that. He’s a man, yes – but he’s unlike any man I know or want to know. I suppose it’s time I stop lying to myself about my feelings. I need to let him know how I feel – easier said than done, I know, but it has to be done.
I force out a breath and leave the bathroom, heading back outside again, ready to walk over to him and say something although I don’t know exactly what. When I step out, I notice he’s not sitting where I last saw him. As a matter of fact, when I look around, I discover he’s not anywhere.
I walk over to Capri and ask, “Where did Axel go?”
“I just saw him heading for the gate.”
“Okay,” I say and then walk quickly in that direction. Once I make it to the front yard, I see him walking over to his ride.
He opens the driver’s door as I round the car and asks, “Are you leaving?”
He looks at me, his jaw tightening in frustration. When our eyes meet, the anger in his gaze softens. He exhales sharply and with an even, steady voice he replies, “Yes, I’m leaving.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think? I came here for you, Zimyra, and you haven’t said five words to me since I got here.”
“It’s not like I wasn’t going to talk to you—”
“It’s been nearly three hours of me sitting around talking to your cousins, your mother, your sane brother—people I didn’t come here for. And where were you all last week? Huh? I thought we had this discussion before about you going missing on me, and you turn around and do it again. I called you. I texted you. I came by your place several times, Zimyra, and you—” He scowls and takes a breath. “Why do you keep doing this to me?”
“Axel—”
“Just answer my question, Zimyra. Why? Huh? I make myself available for you. I do whatever you need me to do and you consistently push me away.”
After a few quick breaths, I say, “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” he asks, his frown deepening.
“Yes. I was having a hard time last week, and I didn’t want to see you. I couldn’t see you.”
“So, you called off from work because you didn’t want to see me?”
“No. I called off work because I needed time to myself. I failed my test, I keep having flashes of that man and I—I needed some time to deal with it all. Alone.”
“So, you’re good then?” he asks me, his eyes burning with frustration and pain, yet, I see hurt and longing that he tries to conceal. “You got everything under control.”
“Ax—”
A muscle in his neck tenses. “You don’t need me for nothing.”
My heart drops. I feel tears pooling in my eyes. “I didn’t say that.”
“You’re not saying anything. That’s the problem, Zimyra. Say something.”
With trembling lips, I say, “I—I’ve been fighting…fighting hard not to…not to need you so much. I don’t want to need anyone, but the truth is, I need you. I don’t know what I’m doing. I tried figuring that out, but I don’t think I can do it without you.”
I blink to clear my eyes of tears, feeling them fall on me like rain. Axel takes a step forward and closes his arms around me. I cry into his chest, telling him how sorry I am. I know he’s been on a rollercoaster with me, but I’ve been going through so many emotions in the last few weeks that I have no clue what direction my life is going in anymore. Here’s what I know: I know his arms around me have me feeling a sense of security I don’t feel otherwise. His hand squeezing the nape of my neck gives me comfort I can’t find on my own. His warmth settles me like a blanket on a cold day. The way he breathes is a lullaby that relaxes me. His chin resting on my head is grounding – soothing every inch of my being.
While I’m in the safety of his embrace, I say, “I’m sorry.”
I sniffle and squeeze him. There’s no more running from him. Pretending I don’t need him. This – he – is it for me. It’s crazy, I know. I’ll just have to figure it out as I go along, but I’m no longer detaching myself from him.
He leans back just enough to see my eyes and again, he just stares – those inquisitive orbs reading the letters of my heart.
With teary eyes, I manage to flash a small smile. “Say something,” I tell him.
He smirks, wipes tears away from my face, and says, “I love you.”
I wasn’t expecting that. My legs nearly fall from beneath me. A feeling of shock courses through my limbs, through my organs – my blood – yet I still can’t comprehend what he just told me.
He continues, “I care about you. I can’t close my eyes without seeing your pretty face. I don’t want this space between us anymore. I want you. I’ve never needed anyone, but I need you. You’ve never needed anyone, but you need me. Let’s stop playing with each other like this is a game. It’s not. Feelings are involved. My heart is involved, and I know yours is, too. I love you, Zimyra. I love your eyes, your lips. I love that I love you. I love the thoughts that constantly cross my mind about you. I love the idea of making love to you. Making you feel like a woman. Making you exhausted with pleasure. I love that I will be the only man to give that to you.”
He places a kiss on my temple and says, “Is there anything I said that you don’t understand or agree with?”
I shake my head from side to side. “No, and I love you, too, Axel.”
“Don’t say it unless you mean it, sweetheart.”
“I mean it. With all my heart, I do.”
He places his hands on my face. He loves doing that, I’ve concluded – and then he lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me gently. Softly. Our lips intertwine. Our tongues get reacquainted. Axel has to be holding me up because my legs have stopped working. I’m under his spell and for the first time in my life, I like it.
Giving your heart to someone is scary. Not being in control is scary. But I’m done with being guarded. I’m going to throw caution to the wind and ride this wave wherever it takes me while at the same time praying that Axel Jennings – a professed heartbreaker – doesn’t end up breaking mine.