ELLE
My parents were on the front porch with Ivy and my Chihuahua, Hobbs, when Clint and I arrived home. I parked my red SUV in the three-car garage next to my dad’s favorite motorcycle. Clint left his ride at the curb.
Sitting in the garage, I replayed my time with Zodiac today. His looks and ego always riled me up to the point where everything else became a blur. I hated how much control he had over my heart.
Walking outside to the driveway, I saw Clint hugging Ivy. He was the kind of man who treated a woman’s heart with tender care. I would be lucky to find someone like him. Of course, before Zodiac, I wasn’t interested in finding a man at all.
I stepped onto the porch and met my dad’s blue-eyed gaze. He was built more like Zodiac. They were rough men who survived their terrible childhoods and revealed their hearts to only a select few.
Did Zodiac even have a heart? He seemed cold in a way my dad wasn’t.
I thought about how Zodiac watched out for Nova and her girls when Exile traveled to Little Memphis to claim Lula. That gesture showed a heart. I had to believe he was more than a handsome badass.
“Did he cry?” Ford asked me when I remained silent. “I would have liked to see that.”
When I shook my head, Shay asked, “Did he get upset?”
“No, he was cool with it,” Clint answered when I didn’t. “He’s taking the test now. Once everything is verified in a day or two, I said he could come here for dinner.”
“Verified?” I asked, finding my voice.
“To Zodiac,” Clint said and kissed the top of my head. “We know the truth.”
Nodding, I felt overly tired. Maybe I was hormonal. Or possibly I had fallen into a mild depression.
Shay hugged me to her. I rested my head against her shoulder and closed my eyes. My mom was a soft, sometimes ditzy woman, but she was also tough as nails when she needed to be.
I wanted to be both strong and tender like my mom. But right now, I felt like a loser who got knocked up because she couldn’t hold her liquor.
“Why are you sad?” Ivy asked me. “Was Zodiac mean?”
“No, he was pervy like usual.”
“So, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you do,” Ivy insisted.
Shrugging, I couldn’t put my finger on the answer. Ivy realized I wouldn’t fess up, so she simply hugged me as Shay had earlier.
Heading downstairs, I hid in the bathroom and played matching games on my phone. Orange-and-white Newton showed up to check on me, so I gave the cat cuddles. Eventually, I forced myself to face my problems by running to my mom for advice.
I found Shay alone in the kitchen. Clint’s motorcycle was gone, so I assumed he and Ivy had headed home. I didn’t know where my dad was hiding.
Studying my mom, I asked, “Did you know Ford was your dream guy when you met?”
“No. I thought he was hot, though.”
“That’s it?”
“Well, Pax was there next to him. I knew logically that Pax was also hot, but I wasn’t interested in him, just your dad,” Shay said and shrugged.
“People warned me that Ford wouldn’t stick around.
He just wanted to sample my sexual attributes.
I kinda believed them, but I still wanted to spend time with Ford. I couldn’t be sensible with him.”
“Because he was special?”
“Yeah,” Shay said and smiled. “I hadn’t wanted trouble when I moved to Little Memphis. I was looking for a normal life. But here was this sexy, dangerous asshole who would likely ditch me when things got too serious. Ford felt like a mistake, but I wanted him, and I didn’t want anyone else.”
“Was Dad a scary guy?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Was he a manwhore?”
Shay gestured for me to walk with her to the family room. “Of course. You know how club sluts are, and your dad is handsome. He never had to go without.”
“Did he sleep with these other women once he met you?”
“No.”
“Why would he be loyal?”
“Because I was special.”
“Why?”
Settling on the couch, Shay frowned. “Are you saying I’m not a good catch?”
“Of course not. I’m trying to understand the reason Dad was your guy, and you were worth giving up all other pussy. Or why Clint fell so fast for Ivy?”
“People just click. It’s not a math problem to be solved. It’s just one of life’s mysteries.”
Sighing, I didn’t know what I wanted my mom to say.
When I thought about Zodiac, my feelings never made sense.
I wanted him, but I also feared him. He chased me rather than any other fox.
Did that make me special? Or was he trying to mess with Clint?
Was his interest only about me being Ford’s daughter?
“You’ve been quiet about Zodiac for months,” Shay said and took my hand. “I thought you didn’t like him and were upset to know he fathered your baby. But now, with these questions, I’m thinking you’ve hidden your feelings from me.”
“I don’t know how I should feel. I like my life. I don’t want anything to change. I know they will because of the baby, but I’ve given up things for Sutter. Doing it for my kid feels right. I’m not interested in giving up anything for a man.”
“But?”
“Zodiac has always made me feel weird inside. I get nervous and excited. I want to see him, but I also dread when I know he’ll be around. I want him to want me, even while knowing his feelings are superficial.”
“Have you ever shared a real conversation with him?”
“No, of course not. He’s so sexually aggressive. It’s all about claiming me in a gross man way. What can I say in the face of that?”
Shay didn’t hide her horror. “Maybe he isn’t right for you.”
“I know he isn’t. But a part of me wants him to act like Clint did with Ivy or Exile did with Lula. Just show up and claim me. But what good would come out of him acting that way? I don’t want to live in Baton Rouge.”
“Yeah, no one wants that,” Shay said, refusing to disguise her disgust. “You belong here with your family.”
“Exactly. And Zodiac doesn’t want to be a dad.”
“Did he say that?”
“No, he acted like it was a good thing and also that he owned me.”
Shay sighed deeply and admitted, “He rubs me the wrong way.”
“Me too. I should hate him, but I find him interesting and want to rub my genitals against his.”
“Maybe it’s just attraction,” Shay suggested. “Zodiac is handsome. He’s a powerful guy like the men you grew up around. Maybe you’d think more clearly if you rubbed your genitals against his a few times.”
“No,” Ford said, scaring the shit out of us by appearing from a back hallway. “You need to wait until the baby is born. See how he acts with the kid. Only then should you give him the time of day.”
“But she wants to use him as a human vibrator,” Shay told Ford, who narrowed his gaze at her words. “Not all sex has to lead to marriage like it did with us. It’s not like you married the two women before me.”
Ford snorted and stroked her throat. “That’s right. There were only two chicks before you. Hell, I was nearly a virgin when we met.”
Shay snickered at his bullshit while I frowned at how my dad put a roadblock on my plan to get laid.
“But Mom thinks I might just be horny,” I told Ford. “If I get that out of my system, I might be able to see Zodiac more clearly.”
“You have a vibrator,” Ford said while settling next to Shay on the couch. “What purpose does Zodiac serve?”
“I’m horny for him.”
“Imagine him while you do your business.”
“Wait, so you think Mom could be just as sexually satisfied by a vibrator and happy thoughts of you? If so, why are you always in the bedroom together?”
“Because I can’t get off without her help,” Ford said and sighed deeply in that way he did when he was full of shit. “I’m an old man, and the blue pills only help so much.”
“I’m rethinking our family’s openness toward sex,” I muttered while my mom giggled at how Ford’s hand slid up her shirt. “Mom’s plan sounds better than your wait-and-see approach.”
“What if you and Zodiac get along well in the bedroom?” Ford asked. “Imagine if you two date and goof off for the rest of your pregnancy. Then, the baby is born, and he acts like a shithead. Won’t it be harder to ditch his ass if you’ve gotten attached?”
“That’s a good point,” I replied before immediately shooting down his good point. “But maybe getting my field plowed now will help me think straight by the time the baby is born. I’ll also understand Zodiac better before I’m vulnerable after giving birth.”
“No,” Ford insisted. “Getting close to him now puts you in a bad situation. He could win your heart and then be a shit dad. Or he could piss you off and be a good dad. Either way, your feelings will battle with reality.”
Sighing dramatically, I whined, “But I want to explore his tattoos and see if he can make me hum while I’m sober.”
“Fine. You can fuck one time while sober,” Ford said and lifted his index finger. “Just once. But no dating until the baby is born, and you know if he’ll act like a shithead with your kid.”
“Do you think he’ll be a shithead?” Shay asked Ford.
“Of course. I just can’t be sure how much of a shithead. Will he be dismissive toward the kid or an actual threat?”
Frowning, I muttered, “Let’s back up to where I got permission from my dad to have sex. As a twenty-eight-year-old woman, should I be insulted by that?”
“Well, you didn’t get my permission the last two times, and there was drama.”
“My reckless sexcapades are why you have grandchildren!” I cried, making my parents laugh.
“Has Clint given you a tiny human to cuddle with? And, no, Ivy doesn’t count.
Besides, you know Lula will get knocked up soon.
That’ll give Pax the same number of grandchildren as you.
Dad, you’re going to lose against him in the grandchildren wars! ”
Ford didn’t buy into my theatrics. “Pax was always going to have more grandchildren, considering he has four kids.”
“I don’t think Sabrina wants kids,” Shay said and shrugged. “That’s what Bebe thinks anyway.”
“No,” I corrected. “Sabrina doesn’t want to carry the baby. She said she’s open to Moe or Xandy playing incubator.”
Ford rubbed his beard. “Rowdy claimed he doesn’t want kids until he’s fifty and finds a broodmare. Of course, he might have been kidding. I’ve decided to believe Rowdy was serious. That way, I can criticize Pax’s parenting.”
“Vanessa wants a cat before she has a baby,” I told my parents and searched the fridge for a snack. “Also, she doesn’t want a man, so it’ll be a bar hookup situation.”
“What happened to romance?” Shay balked as she frowned at my dad. “You sent me flowers and your STD results. I swooned so hard.”
“You danced for me in your heels. Back in our day, people knew how to seduce someone into bed. Now, all it takes is a few too many beers.”
“Do you think this baby will be dumb?” I asked, ignoring their nostalgia. “I mean, we always assumed Sutter’s dad must be a genius. Zodiac’s hot, but he doesn’t strike me as smart.”
“He’s a good fighter,” Ford said and nodded. “He’s fast and doesn’t pull his punches. I hope this kid inherits those skills.”
“But what if he’s not smart and then resents Sutter?”
“All kids resent their older siblings,” Ford explains. “You used to get mad at how Clint could do shit you couldn’t, like piss a long distance. Hell, Pax still resents me for being better in every way. It’s normal.”
Carrying a bowl of pita chips and hummus to the living room, I sat on the couch and pouted.
“Should I have sex with Zodiac when he comes over for dinner?”
Wearing my most innocent expression, I stared at my parents and waited for their answer.
Ford cracked first. “Are you fucking kidding?”
I laughed and nodded. “Should I have Sutter stay next door while Zodiac is here for dinner?”
“Why? It’s not like you’ll be getting lucky. I don’t want you even making out with that man in my house.”
“Our house,” I insisted.
“No, it’s mine first,” Ford insisted, giving me a hard, scary look. “Then, your mom’s. And then Sutter’s. You’re fourth in line with the pets close behind.”
“That seems like bullshit,” I growled, flashing him my scariest look, only for my dad to smile like I was adorable. “However, I’m too weirded out to stand up to you right now.”
“Weirded out, why?”
“My attraction to Zodiac leaves me feeling strange. Why him? He’s not the first handsome guy to show interest, yet I feel him even when he isn’t in the room.”
Shay shared a scowl with Ford while I scarfed down pita chips.
“I’m happy about the baby, even if the rest of it is confusing,” I announced despite my parents sharing a silent conversation. “Worst case scenario, Zodiac ditches me, and I raise the baby completely on my own like I did with Sutter.”
Shay smiled and stroked my head. “Yeah, baby, you never needed a bit of help.”
I mimicked her grin and thought back to when Sutter was a tiny baby.
Pregnancy barely fazed me. I didn’t feel any particular connection to the baby growing in me.
When he was born, I thought I might be broken since I had zero motherly instincts.
Then, on day two, when Sutter and I left the hospital, everything just clicked for me, and I couldn’t get enough of my little boy.
My parents protected Sutter and me during that special time. They helped when I needed it and backed off when I had to stand on my own. Sutter grew up to be a confident kid, even when he got razzed for being a nerd at school or felt exasperated by dumb adults.
Soon, I’d be faced with raising a newborn again. I was older—and occasionally wiser—but I felt like a dummy whenever my thoughts turned to Zodiac. Though I wasn’t sure another round of sex would fix my problem, I couldn’t imagine fucking would make the situation any worse.