ELLE
Waiting for the test results left me restless. I already knew the answer to the paternity question, but I was very curious about the baby’s sex.
I hadn’t known Sutter was a boy until the very end of my pregnancy.
The foxes and I painted the nursery a pale green.
Once I learned I was having a boy, Vanessa created a solar system mural on the wall.
Considering Sutter’s love of science and especially astronomy, I believed her artwork made an impression on my tiny genius.
“What if this baby doesn’t like me?” Sutter asked me that night while we sat in the basement and watched one of his science-themed shows. “What if the baby is mean?”
“We’ll teach it to be nice. You were a biter when you were little. I was, too. But Shay was patient with me, and I was the same way with you. Now, we rarely bite anyone.”
Sutter snorted. “I don’t need to bite. I know how to fight.”
“So, do I, but I bit Zodiac.”
“Why?”
“I’m dumb when I get drunk. I lose all common sense and forget my manners. When I get too excited or angry, I bite people. It’s why I don’t drink a lot.”
“I remember when you got drunk during New Year’s Eve and bit Sabrina.”
Cuddling up against him, I cooed, “You were so little when that happened. Your brain amazes me.”
Sutter smiled at my praise. “I’m not that nervous about the baby. They’re born so weak and helpless. That’s why babies cry so much.”
“You’re going to be an exceptional big brother. Even if you and the baby fight, the kid will be lucky to have you.”
Sutter tightened his hold on me and rested his head against my chest. Earlier in the year, my little man had been growing exasperated by my constant cuddles. However, after the baby news and our summer travel, Sutter was far more receptive to my clinginess.
Our life in Little Memphis was so comfortable. We had a strong routine. Sutter could pretend he was an adult trapped in a child’s body. But when we traveled, he quickly realized he was a little boy in a big world.
Despite his newfound love of mommy cuddles, Sutter still ditched me the next day to ride around with Ford and Pax as they ran errands. Shay had left earlier to go to her downtown office.
Years ago, she’d started a business to help people struggling to rebuild their lives.
Some were women and kids from abusive homes.
Others were foster children who’d aged out of the system.
Others had issues with drugs. Shay helped them find jobs, homes, and other support to start over.
Her employment agency worked with the Sabine Women’s Center, named after my aunt Bebe’s deceased sister.
Thinking about my mom’s hard work led me to wonder about Nova down the street at Lula’s house. She’d become a fixture with our family and club since following her brother Exile to Little Memphis. I liked Nova, and she seemed to like me.
Heading over to Lula’s house, I wasn’t sure how to subtly ask questions about Zodiac. Maybe I didn’t need to be casual about my curiosity. People knew my secret. Why pretend with Nova?
Lula was working in her office today, meaning Exile was playing her bodyguard. My cousin’s preteen daughter, Dillon, was visiting her dad in Little Rock.
I entered Lula’s house to find Nova at the kitchen island, cutting paper Eddie Murphy faces from a pile of printouts. She had a weird habit of leaving them for her brother. I’d heard she had begun doing the same thing with Lula and Dillon.
Nova’s blonde cuties—newly five-year-old Skylar and three-year-old Lyric—were sitting at the dining room table, writing something with utter concentration. I walked over to them first, feeling nervous about approaching Nova with my questions.
I saw the girls were tracing the alphabet. They looked up at me as if I was messing with their vibe.
“We’re going to be good students like Dillon,” Skylar told me from behind her red plastic sunglasses. “We need to study.”
I turned my gaze to Lyric, who was wearing her Stitch hat with floppy ears.
“I look forward to applauding your excellent report cards,” I told them and walked to the kitchen, where Nova lowkey watched me.
“Did you need something?” she asked, growing territorial about the house.
Taking scissors from the drawer, I copied Nova and cut the smiling Eddie Murphy faces out of the paper.
Nova’s eyes were big and blue. They felt overly expressive.
But I had noticed how often they looked afraid when I was certain she wasn’t scared at all.
I sensed she hid a lot of her true self behind her expressive face.
“You know Zodiac on a personal level, right?” I finally asked after adding two Eddie Murphy faces to her pile.
“Sure. He was at the house a lot. When Dan came here to woo Lula, Zodiac stayed with the girls and me.”
Nodding, I got to my point. “What’s he like as a person?”
Nova glanced at her daughters before whispering to me, “He’s an asshole.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“But he did stay at the house when Dan was gone. I knew he wasn’t happy to hang out overnight, but he still stuck around.”
“That’s good, right? It shows he might have a good heart underneath his asshole shell.”
“You want to know what kind of man you made a baby with. That’s what your questions are about?”
“Yes. I only know him as a sexy guy with a big mouth. Does he have any other layers?”
Nova narrowed her eyes and replied, “You didn’t seem that drunk that night.”
“I get loud and rude when I’m drunk, but I’m also like that when sober,” I explained and shrugged. “I can understand why you didn’t notice the change.”
“Did you want to spend time with Zodiac like that?”
Leaning forward, I whispered, “You mean fucking?”
“It’s just you don’t know him.”
“I know of him. That should count. It’s more than I can claim for my first baby daddy.” When Nova stared extra hard at the paper she was cutting, I asked, “Are you uncomfortable with sex talk?”
“I wasn’t raised to view sex as meaningless.”
“Well, I wasn’t raised to judge people,” I muttered, making her squirm. When Nova’s big eyes got cartoon sized, I smiled. “I’m just kidding. I judge people all the time. So, wait, do you think I’m a slut? Because I’m fairly certain you’ve had more sex than I have.”
“With my husband.”
“And how was that?”
“It gave me two daughters.”
“Yeah, but how many orgasms?”
Nova blushed and shook her head. “I’m not wild that way.”
“Wild like hooking up with a hot biker or wild like having orgasms?”
“Both.”
“Have you never had a single one?”
Nova’s pout made me feel guilty. I hugged her against my body and swayed.
“There, there, you’re going to find a man who makes you go wild. I promise. I’ll find you someone. Does he have to be uptight like you?”
“I’m not uptight,” Nova said, squirming out of my grip. “I’m just modest.”
“You’re aware I saw you that night, too, right? I’m fairly sure the right guy could have gotten you to spread for him with the tiniest bit of effort.”
“I wasn’t drunk.”
“No, but you are super fun on pot.”
Nova shrugged. “Yeah, but I can’t be high all the time.”
“But that doesn’t mean you can’t be fun some of the time.”
“My girls think I’m fun.”
“Yeah, but they’re going to get bigger and start having less time for you. Trust me, I’m waiting for the day when Sutter leaves Little Memphis and only returns for holidays.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He’s a special little boy who will grow up to be an amazing man. He needs to follow his dreams. Everyone should, including you.”
“I am following my dreams.”
“No, you’re hiding in this house. Don’t get me wrong. This is a luxurious house, and Lula is a cool person to hang around with. But you need to get out more. Date guys and discover the beauty of orgasms.”
Nova shook her head. “I don’t want to date.”
“Neither do I. That’s why I have a vibrator for my orgasms.”
Nova startled me by bursting into rolling giggles. I smiled at how overheated she got at the thought of feeling good. Without a doubt, a wild fox was hiding under her “prim and proper” garbage.
“Do you like Zodiac?” she asked after her giggles ran dry.
“I find him interesting and sexy, but I don’t know him at all. I can’t even remember much about us hooking up. I do remember feeling good. Oh, and I know he smelled great.”
“He wears really expensive cologne,” Nova said as she began cutting faces again. “Zodiac once claimed he wanted to smell rich after spending most of his life poor.”
“Is he a deep person with feelings and stuff?”
Nova lifted her gaze and considered her answer before asking, “Do you want me to say yes?”
“Of course, but I mostly want you to tell me the truth. I used Sutter’s summer camp as an excuse to avoid dealing with Zodiac and the baby situation. Now, with everything out in the open, I can’t hide anymore. So, fess up your true feelings about him. I won’t tell him anything you say.”
Nova studied me and sighed. “He’s a very damaged person.
His family failed him. The only person from his childhood is a foster mom that he hates.
I thought maybe he did love her despite their fighting.
I mean, why would they keep engaging with each other if there wasn’t any affection between them?
But he said he knew his presence made her miserable, and she knew her presence pissed him off.
They were playing chicken to see who gave up first, and he couldn’t wait for her funeral. ”
“Do you think he was lying to hide his feelings for her?”
“No, I think he really hates her and wants to punish her by showing up in her life. To be fair, his blood family is all dead. He has no one else to punish, so he chose Caren, who is awful and deserves the pain.”
“Have you met her?”
Frowning, Nova whispered, “She called my breasts saggy and said she could see why my husband left me.”
“I hope she dies from something painful.”
Nova offered a little smile at how I was angry in her defense. “Zodiac can’t love you like you want. But he can be sweet. Like how he stayed at the house with the girls and me. Though Zodiac got on my nerves, I was mostly upset about Dan leaving and worried my brother might not come back.”
“Lula’s a sexy fox. You can’t blame your brother for falling hard.”
“No, I can’t. And their relationship has made my life better.
But I didn’t know any of that back then.
I was afraid he would ditch the girls and me.
Zodiac knew I was nervous, and he stuck around.
However, he was a pain in the butt about it.
Zodiac refuses to tone down his bad attitude, but he does care. ”
“Do you think he’ll be mean to the baby?”
“I don’t know,” Nova said and glanced at her daughters.
“He’s weird with the girls, acting both protective and overly honest. Like, when the girls became convinced a boogeyman monster was in their closet.
Dan would order the thing to go away and threaten to kick its ass.
Then, he’d show them nothing was in the closet anymore. They felt safe.”
Nova paused to roll her eyes. “When they got scared while Zodiac was there, he insisted a supernatural monster wouldn’t be scared of a biker. If the thing wanted to eat them, it would. Since it hadn’t, they should stop worrying.”
My hands went to my belly. “I’m overly protective of Sutter. I want him to enjoy being a little boy. I’ll do the same with this baby. But I don’t think Zodiac will be so kind.”
“Maybe not. But I honestly didn’t think Dan would ever settle down, and he immediately wanted to nest with Lula.
I’ve occasionally wondered if Zodiac is only selfish because he’s never had any reason to act any other way.
He wasn’t close to anyone in his life until he joined the club.
Then, he pushed out the men who welcomed him because he felt they didn’t value his vision.
I mean, that’s messed up, right? But he is protective of the remaining guys.
I believe Zodiac came up with the idea of Dan staying here for the club as an excuse to let my brother be happy. ”
Sighing, I cut two Eddie Murphy faces out before admitting, “You’ve been no help.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay. I told you to be honest, and the truth is, Zodiac isn’t an easy man to know.”
“I can tell you that he likes pasta dishes.”
Mood improving, I took another sheet and began cutting. “Anything in particular?”
“Stroganoff and spaghetti, but really any pasta. He doesn’t like casseroles. He doesn’t know how to grill meat, and he can’t cook at all.”
“What kind of music does he listen to?”
“A horrible kind of metal music. It’s like screaming and heavy guitars.”
“Ooh, okay, so I shouldn’t let him pick the music for our next bang.”
Immediately horrified, Nova asked, “You’re planning on having sex with him again?”
“Sure. At least once. I’m curious what it’ll be like when I’m sober.”
Nova gave me a sad smile. “He’s a player.”
“Well, yeah, he’s a hot biker. I’m fully aware of the kind of pussy a guy like Zodiac can pull. But I’ve never liked men, and I like him.”
“But...”
I smiled when Nova didn’t continue. “I don’t believe I can have a relationship with any man. Zodiac and I might work because we have such low expectations. That way, there’ll be no hurt feelings or painful disappointments.”
Nova’s gaze got a faraway quality. I suspected she was thinking about her bad marriage to a violent man back in South Dakota.
“You know you’re free to hang out at the Sorority House, even when there’s no party going on. Ivy, you, and I should hang out there this week.”
“And do what?”
“Talk to the foxes, play games, listen to music, beat each other up as part of an all-girl fight club. Just fun shit.”
Nova slowly smiled. “Some of that does sound fun.”
“Your girls look to you on how to act. If you go out and have fun and take what you want in life, they’ll want to do the same. My mom was a tough chick, but she was also soft. It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other. So, let’s pick a day and hang out.”
I believed Nova needed a kick in the ass to get her outside of her comfort zone.
I’d seen the same thing with plenty of women who escaped violent relationships.
Now that she was safe, she feared rocking the boat.
But life was about more than cooking, cleaning, and cutting out paper Eddie Murphy faces.