Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
NATE
No longer did Ryan have to sneak into my room. It helped the week pass by that much sweeter. Gran, as I’d predicted, had listened attentively when Ryan told her he was gay.
My pride for the man burned deep. That didn’t mean it didn’t sting that we were keeping things on the down-low, nor the fact that he wasn’t coming out publicly.
I hadn’t lied a couple of weeks back when I’d understood his reluctance to be out.
But with just a week left of his visit, my uncertainty grew, made worse that he’d finally responded to his agent and was on a video call with him in the bedroom he never used.
“Why are you walking a hole in the carpet, Nate?”
I scrunched my nose in apology and attempted a smile. Gran’s no-bullshit radar, though, was firing strong. Standing, she headed to the kitchen. “Come on. Let’s put the kettle on.” Gran busied herself making tea while I sat at the large island. “What’s going on? This about the call Ryan’s making?”
“Maybe a little,” I admitted.
She angled to look at me, a frown forming. “Why’s that?”
Focusing on my hands, I picked at the edge of an envelope dumped on the granite.
“I suppose it makes Ryan leaving more real.” The shuffle of Gran’s feet caught my attention, followed swiftly by the opening and closing of the fridge door.
She remained silent while I gradually destroyed the envelope with small tears.
When a mug of tea was placed before me, I jerked up, startled. “Thanks.”
Kind eyes connected with mine as Gran stood at the other side of the counter. “It’s been wonderful having him home.”
“It has,” I agreed.
“Have you spoken to him about his contract? He has just another season left, right?”
My stomach clenched. I hadn’t, deliberately so.
My whole approach to Ryan leaving was ostrich-head-in-the-sand.
The past four weeks had been a whirlwind of kisses while getting to know and fall in love with the man all over again.
When I wasn’t in a loved-up haze, I pinched myself, still not quite believing my life or Ryan’s affection was real.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Gran said when I remained quiet. “You boys need to talk.” She laughed when I blanched. “Come on, now. I know you’re not allergic when it comes to being truthful and talking about exciting things like your feelings.”
My lips twitched. “I don’t know. There’s usually red skin and a rash involved.”
With a pat to my hand, Gran smirked. “This is time you suck it up and talk. Don’t you think enough time has been wasted?”
I huffed out a breath. “Stop being all levelheaded and wise, Gran. You know it freaks me out.”
She chuckled. “Come on, let’s take these and go and watch some TV while we’re waiting.”
As I picked up my drink, I thought about Gran’s words.
The difficulty was, I had no idea what to say.
Did I want Ryan to stay? Of course, but that was impossible.
Did I want Ryan to give it all up in a year and not chase a contract?
That’d be a hell yes. There was no chance I’d ever say that to him, though.
The memory of him on the court slammed into me.
Talent like that couldn’t be wasted, especially when he was legit living the dream.
I knew pro athletes retired young, but not that young, right?
Or maybe I was wrong, and he was already considered ancient.
I sighed as I sank into the comfy sofa. As far as I could see, all I could do was tell Ryan I was proud of him and I’d miss him and perhaps try to book a couple of flights to see him.
Beyond that, there was nothing I could do.
A weird tension blanketed Ryan since his phone call. When I’d asked if he was okay and if he wanted to talk about it, he’d simply shook his head, kissed my cheek, then went and helped Amber bathe Ivy.
It was now bedtime. Having already washed up, I was in bed with a magazine, one about steel fencing that would earn me a chuckle from Ryan.
The bathroom door opening drew my attention to the man in the doorway.
Just like every other time, my heart flipped at seeing him like this—in his boxers and nothing else, freshly showered with damp hair.
I closed the magazine and gave him my full attention as he moved to what had become his side of the bed.
While the tension from earlier seemed to have eased, something was clearly on his mind.
Even as a kid he’d get this way when he was worried or something bugged him.
Then, shooting some hoops had been my go-to distraction, breaking him out of his funk and getting him to open up.
Somehow, I didn’t think that would be the answer today.
Ryan slid between the sheets next to me, shifting in close, his intention as surprising as it was clear. I looped my arms around him as he rested his head on my chest, his hand moving to my stomach.
While we were tactile and made the most of touching whenever we got the chance, this was different.
Ryan needing comfort was a hell of a thing.
My heart thundered in my chest while my stomach did somersaults.
I wanted to be Ryan’s everything so much, but his reaction added to my anxiety about him leaving.
More than that, Ryan seeking comfort was an anomaly that worried me.
“What’s wrong?” I kept my voice low, attempting not to destroy the peace and comfort I tried to offer. As I stroked my fingers through his hair with one hand, I used the other to dance my fingers across his back.
“Does something have to be wrong?”
I hesitated but didn’t have the patience to keep quiet. “You can cuddle me anytime you want, happily so.” My lips made purchase with the top of his head. “But you doing this after a call with your agent makes me think everything isn’t okay.”
A weary sigh escaped him, and he rubbed his hand over his face.
“You don’t have to tell me,” I said, not sure how convincing my offer was since I really wanted to know. That way, I could at least try to help or just let him vent.
“They’re talking about a trade.”
Surprise shot through me. “What, trading you? To where? Can they do that?”
Nate angled to peer at me. “League contracts and rules are a mindfuck. It’s why my agent has a sweet deal to sort all this stuff out for me.
” He shook his head before resettling on my chest. “They’re saying maybe Vegas.
And no, I don’t have a choice if they want to do a deal.
I know the Eagles could probably do with freeing up some cash by trading me. ”
“Bloody hell, okay, wow, and what did you say?”
“That I was still on vacation for another week, so he needed to get everyone off my back.”
Laughter bubbled out of me. “You didn’t seriously?”
“Like fuck I didn’t. Shit, he knows I’m on vacation. I shouldn’t even be traded next season. Life’s complicated enough without that bullshit. Plus there’s the guys, you know?”
I squeezed him hard. With no idea how these things worked, my advice wouldn’t fly. “Is it possible to ignore this till you get back?”
“No. I’m fully aware I’m being a petulant fuck, so you don’t need to point it out to me, okay?”
My lips twitched, despite the seriousness of the conversation, because seriously, his tone was the exact one he’d used when he was eighteen and sulking about not getting the last Tim Tam.
“You want tea and a Tim Tam?” I asked, smiling inside.
Once again, he glanced at me. “Make it a packet and not one, and that’d be awesome. Thanks.”
The barest of smiles he gave me was worth it.
I dotted a kiss on his mouth, and he grumbled as he moved away so I could get off the bed.
“You know a packet will mean at least an extra two-kilometer run tomorrow, right?” I received a pillow in my face as answer.
Chucking it back, I legged it out the room, laughing, impressed it made contact with his head.
Three Tim Tams later, I was pathetically chocolated out. Unlike Ryan, I didn’t have a massive sweet tooth.
“You got enough sugar in your system to talk?” I asked.
“I said I’d call him back in the morning. Then tomorrow night I need to talk to someone from the team. Not sure if it’ll be one of the suits or Coach.”
“Can they trade you without you agreeing, you know, since you’re not a rookie?”
Ryan shrugged and placed his empty mug on the bedside table.
“Yeah. I don’t have free agency until the end of next season, and while trades are perhaps rare in the off-season, it’s not unheard of.
” He stopped short and shot me a glance.
“I’d started to think about telling a couple of the guys about you and me. ”
Air escaped me so fast I struggled to think, let alone remember how to inhale again. We’d still not discussed anything about when he left. It looked like that was about to change.
“Jayden and Sutton?” I went with the safe question, amazed my words sounded steady.
“Yeah.” His gaze stayed glued to mine. “I think telling them would help me cope with you not being there. Either that or you come with me.”
Wide-eyed, I froze, gaping and with no idea what to say. “You serious?”
He shrugged. “You want me to be serious?”
I frowned. “No. You can’t do that, say that and put it back on me.” My whole body vibrated, a rush of confusing emotions vying for attention.
“Shit, Nate. I just—” He sat up and faced me.
“There are things that I know.” I raised my brows at him, indicating that I was absolutely paying attention.
“I know that leaving you is going to be miserable and hurt like fuck. I know that I do not want to be out in public, but our friends and family... I want them to see how much you mean to me. How amazing you are.”
A lump formed in my throat so big, I wondered if I’d be able to dislodge it without breaking down.
“I also know that if we can’t be together next season, one year is all I have left in me.”
“What do you mean?” My question was whisper soft. While I was sure I understood the meaning, I couldn’t quite believe it, nor was I sure I could let it happen.
And fuck if that thought didn’t shoot poison into my gut.
“I have one more season left before I’m a free agent. I can take an offer or leave.”
“You can’t leave,” I rushed to say. “You play in the League, for Christ’s sake. This is your dream, and you’re so fucking good at it.”
“But what if my dream’s changed?”
Dead. Kaput. Melted. Ryan had officially destroyed me.
Held frozen, I gaped at him. For a man who was the master of struggling to share his emotions, Ryan had nailed it. Hell, he’d blown all declarations in the history of mankind out of the water. Or at least where my heart was concerned.
After closing my gaping mouth, I finally spoke. “I don’t know. Is that what you want?”
Everything seemed too much, too soon, despite this moment feeling like it had been fifteen years in the making.
Shifting to his knees, Ryan reached out and touched my face. I melted into his warmth, not quite believing this was all going on now.
“If you say all that you want is me, I swear I’m either going to die or break out in a Mariah Carey tune.” The words tumbled out of me, unexpected and unplanned. But apparently, my overstimulated brain didn’t give a damn about random thoughts escaping.
For a split second, Ryan paused. Hovering above me, his lips twitched.
Then the bastard laughed, full-on belly laughed.
He collapsed on top of me, whole-body shakes vibrating through me as the muscled oaf squashed me.
Flat on my back and squished, trying to breathe was pointless.
Instead, I let Ryan’s hysteria sweep over me until I gasped for breath.
This time, I wheezed and patted his arms, needing him to move.
Ryan did so immediately, his whole face alight with amusement while I chugged in lungfuls of air. “You trying to kill me?”
His smile still in place, he said, “You’re apparently the one who’s going to die. Or would you prefer me to turn your playlist on?”
Reaching out to the side, I clamped on to a pillow and smacked it across his head. “Piss off,” I grumbled. My heart remained unsteady and still accelerated. While my faux pas made me cringe, it gave us both a slight reprieve from the oversharing.
Ryan leaned on his elbow and peered down at me. Warmth shone in his eyes, and I felt the heat scorching into me, leaving a trail as it maneuvered around me.
The intensity in his gaze sobered me almost instantly. I gnawed on my cheek, building the courage to tell him the truth. After what he’d already shared, he deserved it.
“I love you.” I didn’t look away as I spoke, didn’t fidget despite the flicker of embarrassment sparking to life in my chest. The intensity remained as Ryan stayed freakishly quiet and calm, enough that I worried if, after all that had happened, he’d been pushed over the edge.
Either that or he had a Mariah Carey song stuck on a loop in his head.
“If I tell you I love you, you promise you won’t be dead?”
I almost sprained something with my eye roll. “I promise not to change the ringtone on your phone.” I could compromise when the incentive was there.
Ryan’s smile was wide and perfect. “I love you.”
I laughed out a huff of air, amusement, relief, and full-on happiness mingling.
“Can that be enough for tonight?” I hedged. The multitude of reveals had blown me away. Exhaustion crept into the edges of my vision, and all I wanted were kisses and maybe Ryan’s dick in my mouth too.
It seemed only fitting that declarations of love were celebrated with blowjobs.
The man, knowing me so damn well, something I’d have to stop being so surprised by soon, nodded before he leaned in to seal the deal.