Chapter 12 #2
“No shit,” Jayden interrupted, receiving a chuckle from Coach Jenkins.
“Yeah. I took over five years ago. Best decision I ever made.”
Jayden being Jayden, grinned, saying, “Makes sense. You were hard-pressed getting the quality on the court you witnessed in my four years.”
I rolled my eyes, my lips twitching.
“Uh-huh. Sure, let’s stick with that story,” Coach Jenkins said.
Through the exchange, my brain was ticking over. Montview hosted an elite summer college program for athletes. I knew they had guest coaches step in a few weeks every year, but the summer program was already in session as far as I was aware.
“This here is Emily Meadows. She’s Montview’s outreach director.”
The middle-aged brown-haired woman smiled at us. “Nice to meet you both.”
“And finally, this is Harry Powell. He’s the athletic administrator for QSA over in Indiana.”
I had no idea what QSA was. Jayden beat me to the punch, asking, “QSA?”
Harry’s grin was wide and bright. “Queer Sporting Association.” He made eye contact as he spoke, his gaze unwavering, possibly curious.
My brows shot up, and I cast a look at Jayden since I saw his head whip in my direction. Somehow I managed to control my laugh at his bug-eyed expression. This was all surreal.
For barely a blink of time, I’d been in love with my friend, a man. Hell, I hadn’t even considered a label, beyond clearly not straight and happily loving on Jayden. Yet here we were, in an out-of-the-blue meeting with someone from a queer association.
And fuck if I didn’t feel like a fraud.
But here we were.
Becoming aware neither Jayden nor I had responded, I offered a small smile. “Good to meet you.”
“And those are the introductions of people perhaps you didn’t know. So, let’s get down to business, shall we?” Jonas indicated toward Harry and nodded in his direction.
That appeared to be Harry’s cue. “This year we’ve been working with Montview, specifically providing low-key educating opportunities to raise awareness, and honestly, cut through the bullshit involved in being a queer athlete.
Our aim is to promote healthy conversation at college level with those players who will likely be drafted.
You know, try to create an even playing ground for queer players so they can be out, should they wish to be, and hopefully establish an environment where their teammates are supportive and that all players feel safe.
There’s a counselor already involved, someone who’s been there for a few years.
We’re just lucky he specializes in LGBTQ+ health. ”
I swallowed hard at his words. What they were doing was amazing.
I thought of Pearce, who’d told us on one of our few calls over the past couple of weeks that he’d known for sure he was gay since he was twelve.
That programs like this existed so that younger, hell, all players, like him—like me—had that support was incredible.
“We don’t have any out pro players in the program yet,” Emily said. “We think it would be an amazing opportunity for college kids to meet seasoned players, and with your recent news—congratulations, by the way—we’d love for you to spend six weeks out at Montview as guest coaches.”
“We know this is short notice. Heck, it’s no notice, as we’d want you there in four days, but I think you guys could really make a difference,” Coach Jenkins added.
I was rendered speechless, overwhelmed by the opportunity, and heck, the privilege.
But beneath all that was a layer of discomfort.
This seemed too soon. Shit, I hadn’t even seen my parents since being in a relationship with Jayden…
being out. And even thinking in terms of being “out” was a concept I was struggling with.
I loved Jayden, all of him. The good, the stressful and painful, his heart, and his mouth and cock most recently. I wanted a future with him.
Did that make me bi? Queer? Something else?
I just didn’t know.
My chest started to constrict, my breathing quickening. I fidgeted, wanting to get out of here.
The whole time, six sets of eyes stared back at us.
A hand appeared on my leg, stopping it from bouncing and pulling my attention.
Jayden.
His pale hand squeezed my thigh, and I inhaled, hoping like hell I wasn’t making a dick of myself.
“Just give me and Sutton here a few minutes. That all right?” His voice was calm, soothing on my nerves.
“Absolutely.” It was Harry who spoke.
And then Jayden was tugging me up, hand on my arm and then holding my hand.
He led me out the room and asked the woman at reception for an empty space we could duck into, and she must have given him the information, as I followed blindly before I heard a door closing and Jayden pushing me onto a small couch in an empty office.
Lips pressed against mine, soft and tender. Jayden’s tongue skimmed my lips, encouraging me to open. I did so immediately, welcoming the contact, the intrusion. Needing him to ground me and help my emotions and head catch up with everything, especially my reaction to it all.
Slowly, tension trickled out of me, but I wasn’t ready to stop. Wrapping my arms around him, I held on tightly. The perfect distraction from my addled brain was him, and I was loath to let go.
Jayden sank against me, giving me what I needed. Tender touches. Sweet kisses. A steady reassurance he was with me.
All too soon he pulled away. This time I allowed it and met his concerned gaze.
“What’s going on in that bulging brain of yours?” he asked, his words gentle. He traced his fingers on my temple and down to my cheek.
I looked back at him, not expecting to find amusement or disbelief, but I checked anyway. Nothing but curiosity and affection shone back at me.
When I eased back onto the sofa, Jayden moved off his knees where he’d been camped out between my thighs and sat next to me.
“I think I panicked.” Uncomfortable heat spread across my skin, admitting as much to him.
Rather than respond, he nodded, the look in his eyes encouraging me to continue.
“I feel like a fraud. Then when I realized I felt that way, I started to freak. Then when I started to panic, I felt ridiculous for reacting that way. Still do.” I rubbed my palm over my short hair, frustrated by the spiral of emotions.
When I risked a glance at him, his smile was thin, tight.
“So…” He paused, twisting his mouth, swallowing hard, and then exhaling.
“A fraud?” His brows knotted. It was obvious he was trying to figure me out, my reaction.
I held back my derisive snort. Good luck with that.
How could Jayden possibly understand, since I was just as clueless. “I don’t understand.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Hurt filled his expression. I saw the battle before me as clear as day. He wanted to understand, wanted to help, but the more confused I became, the more I could possibly hurt him.
I’d done enough of that already. No way did he deserve any more.
“You said you’ve had feelings for me for a while.” His cheeks turned crimson. “Did I get that wrong?”
I shook my head. “No, you didn’t. I have.
I do.” Annoyed I was doing an awful job of explaining myself, I ran a frustrated hand over my face.
“That,” I said, finally facing him again, pushing every trace of certainty I could muster into my words as possible, “I am sure of. I know how I feel about you. You’re the only thing I’m certain about at the moment. ”
He exhaled shakily and reached out and took my hand. “And?”
“But who am I? How do I identify? What changed? Why now?” The questions continued to spiral in my brain.
“I’m such a fucking idiot. I prided myself on being so fucking smart, knowing my goals, my plan, and now I’m beginning to question everything.
” I gripped Jayden’s hand firmly, terrified he’d pull away.
“Hey.” He squeezed my palm. “I’m sure of my feelings for you too.
” A gentle resolve caressed his words, and fuck if I didn’t love him the more for it.
“All those questions you have, I have too.” I nodded like an idiot, feeling like a bigger dickhead that I was the one having a meltdown while Jayden was here carrying me.
“Hell, Sutton. I don’t know any real answers to any of your questions.
All I know is everything I feel for you is right. I know it and trust in it.”
His words were like a sucker punch to my gut. Why the fuck couldn’t I trust in it like he did? What was with the overanalysis?
“Listen, we’re different. Our brains work differently,” he said, the slightest edge of amusement creeping into his tone. “I’m the dumb jock who just goes with the flow, remember?”
“You’re not a dumb jock,” I said vehemently, hating when he joked about shit like that.
A look of satisfaction lit his face at my words, and I couldn’t resist the smile that pulled at my lips when he was genuinely happy. “But you use your brain differently to me, and you wanna know what I think?”
“Always.”
Jayden chuckled. “That right? I’ll remind you of that answer sometime.
But I think we should go, do this coaching thing.
It sounds pretty awesome. Plus, you know, maybe it’ll help you too.
Everyone knows that what we have is new, only coming out.
Though…” He tilted his head. “…we haven’t actually officially confirmed anything yet. ”
I shook my head. “Not officially.”
He huffed out a chuckle. “Those are big assumptions people are making then, right?”
“It means we could take it back.” The words were out of my mouth before thinking. I regretted them immediately, even before seeing the look on his face.
That wasn’t hurt staring back at me. No. Jayden was fucking livid.
“I didn’t mean it,” I rushed to say. “I don’t want to change anything between us.”
He narrowed his eyes. “If I didn’t like them so much, I’d totally punch you in the nuts right now.”
I nodded quickly, trying to keep a straight face. “And I’d totally deserve it.”
“Damn straight you do, asshole.” He gave me the evil eye for another second before smoothing out his features. “So, what do you think? You’re not a fraud. It doesn’t matter that we’ve been together for a hot second. It’s no one else’s business when our relationship actually started.”
“And our engagement?” I asked curiously.
He waved off my comment. “We’re in no rush, despite what either of our parents think.” He rolled his eyes at that. The more he spoke, the more I calmed, and I thought he was probably right.
Spending time coaching college kids would be fun anyway. Adding in the outreach program and educating kids, trying to break down the hatred and bullshit surrounding homophobia would be incredible to be a part of.
And just maybe, being in such an environment would actually help.
Lifting Jayden’s hand, I pressed a kiss to his wrist, smiling when I heard the hitch in his breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”