Chapter 20
TWENTY
DYLAN
He finally said the words.
They fluttered between us like delicate leaves that could so easily be shredded in a harsh breeze.
But it was the single tear trickling down his cheek that I focused on. It made a slow trek down his skin, leaving a shiny path behind. It paused on his chin, waited a while, before finally dripping onto his sweatshirt.
With my pulse fluttering in my neck like a butterfly caught in a storm, my breathing stuttered as I drew in his words.
He really was Mikey’s dad.
If I’d never received Paula’s letter, would I have ever suspected or even worked it out for myself?
“Please, say something.” Cass’s voice trembled, eyes wide and pleading.
“I know,” I croaked, thankful I was sitting.
As the relief of everything—the letter I received from Paula via her lawyer on Mikey’s second birthday, the ability to acknowledge that Mikey was so much like Cassius that it was uncanny, no longer holding this back from Cass, or him from me—combined, my legs might have buckled. “It’s okay.”
And it was.
It had taken me six months to make peace with Paula’s revelations in her own messy handwriting. Until finally it all made sense. Our wedding, our relationship, all so unexpected, but I swore Paula had known.
The Cassius from four years ago hadn’t been ready. Nor the one from a year ago. But now he was.
His heart so big, so wide, so open… which truly had never been the problem. Cass was the most loving and affectionate and loyal person I knew.
“You knew?” Cass shook his head as his gaze roamed my face, his eyebrows pulled low in confusion. “I don’t understand.” His breaths were heavy, his chest rising too fast, but his palms remained solid and still in mine. Kept clinging tightly to me as I did to him.
But I needed to let go. If only to let Paula tell Cassius in her own words.
“Let me get something.” I made to stand, but Cass gripped me tighter.
“You’re not going to leave?”
How was it possible for my heart to fracture and heal itself while swelling with love in the space of a simple panicked question?
“I’m not going to leave,” I promised. Tempted to kiss him, I broke away instead. We needed all this out in the open, fully and without regret.
I felt his eyes on me as I stepped into our small closet, finding the box and the note with a speed that would tell Cass how many times I’d read the letter.
As I approached him, I held the letter out to him. This time a tremble shook the well-read paper.
I chuckled lightly, laughing away my nerves as he took it. “It’s from Paula.”
Cass’s hand froze in the middle of unfolding the thick paper. Fresh tears welled in his eyes, and in a single blink, two tears rolled down his cheeks. “How…? I don’t….”
My heart hurt taking in his broken expression.
I wanted to go to him, hold him close, and promise him everything would be okay.
Did I believe that? God, I wanted to. And peering down at the man who’d always held a piece of my heart, only now to have snatched it out of my chest with all his sweetness and love and sunshine laughs, I refused to even consider an alternative.
We’d gone through so much together for this to disintegrate around us.
“This was with her lawyer, but I didn’t know about it. I received it last year on Mikey’s second birthday.” The second anniversary of my sister’s death went unsaid. “She’d want you to read this.”
“Now and not—”
The shake of my head cut him off. “Please, just read it.”
After wiping his tears away on his hoodie, Cass took a long, shuddery breath and opened the letter.
I watched as he read the words I suspected I could recite without effort:
Dylan,
Do you remember the time we snuck out when I was ten and we didn’t stop running or laughing until we reached the river?
I think then was the first time I truly realized that’s what life should always be like for us.
We should always be laughing, running, and holding hands, even though you were a little embarrassed to do so.
It’s also the first time that I realized just how special Cassius was, especially to you.
That was the moment I figured out, at just ten years old, under the stars while exhilarated and terrified that Mom and Dad would discover we were missing from our beds, what love should look like.
The way you lit up and your whole body relaxed when Cassius was already waiting for us and gave you an unabashed hug in the way only he knows how to do.
I don’t think either of you knew then, and I truly hope you’re finally beginning to figure it out, but we’ll always be family, and our love, yeah, that can grow and morph and bloom into something truly spectacular if you’re open to it.
It was that selfless kind of love that brought us Mikey.
I don’t need to see him to know that’s his name.
The way he’s wriggling around right now, always on the move, legs and arms pushing against me, I kind of figure he’s going to be so much like one of his parents.
I’m just not sure when that time will come…
for one of his dads to step up and realize that being selfless and being honorable is an amazing gift, but love—real, life-changing love—is transcendent.
But he’ll get there. Maybe not yet—well, definitely not right now while I’m eight months pregnant and wondering about what life you’ve created for Mikey.
I know it’s amazing, though. Know you’re giving Mikey everything he needs. How could you not when you’re just as selfless as the man who I seriously hope is at your side, loving you both in that incredible, shameless way he does. Because I want that for you.
But I need him to come to you. Need for him to know without a shadow of a doubt that you both are his world. His life.
And I’m sorry, Dyl, so fucking sorry that I’m laying this all on you. Sorry that I knew the risks with the pregnancy, with the delivery, and didn’t tell anyone, but Mikey’s worth it. I know he is.
Every time you tuck him into bed, I know you’ll smother him in love. Just like I know you’ll help him find a friend who he can sneak out to go fishing with and maybe fall in love with one day.
And I miss you. Miss you all. But I don’t want you to be sad, and I don’t want you rolling your eyes at me either. I’ll always be your little sister, but that means I see so much more than you realize.
And because of that, I need you not to be mad at me or at him.
Keeping this from you is perhaps unfair, and I know it will be just about killing him. But at some point, he’ll make it right and let you know. And I need you to forgive him and be a family. Need you to both love that boy of ours together with your whole hearts and until your last breaths.
And now I’m crying again because of these damn hormones.
Dyl, remember I love you, and Mikey is worth the secrets. Just like he’s worth it too.
Love you with my whole heart, Dyl, and thank you for being Mikey’s dad. Thank you for making him happy every day and showing him the love that you always showed me.
Love you, big brother.
Paula
When Cassius reached the end, his wet eyes darted to me. He was a mess, and I could totally relate. It had taken me maybe twenty read throughs to do so without body-racking sobs.
That my sister had known there was a high mortality rate during labor had hit me harder than anything, even the news of Cass’s involvement. And while she hadn’t come out directly and said he was the donor, she’d made it clear as day that he was.
“I can’t believe you’ve known all this time.” Emotion wrapped around his words. “How do you not hate me?”
Fuck it all to hell.
Two steps and I was before him, tugging him up off the bed and wrapping him in my arms. “I could never hate you. Ever.” I held on tightly, pouring in my heartache and my love and my relief that the subterfuge was over.
I couldn’t have gone against my sister’s last wishes by confronting him for anything. Plus, I understood where she was coming from. Eventually.
Cassius, like me, had been young when Mikey was born.
Heck, we still were. He’d also been in a very different place and stage in his life when he’d agreed to be the donor.
Since Mikey’s birth, I’d witnessed the changes firsthand.
Seen how he reined himself in, observed how he prioritized me and Mikey.
And that all had to be done in his own time, without the pressure of him being aware that I knew the truth.
Clinging to me, Cass buried his face against the crook of my neck. With ragged breaths, he sniffled, hanging on for dear life.
“I hated keeping this from you. Fucking hated it.”
I dropped a kiss to his head. “I know.” Because of course he had. This was Cassius. He told me pretty much everything on his mind and what was going on in his life. And this was one hell of a secret to keep to himself.
“I don’t ever want to hold anything back from you again. Even if we can be shit at talking things out.”
He pulled a chuckle out of me, as he was absolutely right. Off-loading what was on our minds and then moving on and not actually discussing things tended to be our go-to. But feelings and shit were hard, dammit.
“We can do that.”
Tilting back, he peered down at me, the whites of his eyes a little pink but dry. He searched my gaze, saying, “Mikey is still your son. I’d never—”
“Hey.” I stopped him and cupped his cheek. “He is. He’s also your son too.”
A loud swallow and he nodded. “But I didn’t want you to be worried—”
“Baby, stop.”
He closed his mouth, softness entering his gaze. A shaky breath later and he nodded.
I tugged him down to the bed to sit. Our knees touched as we held hands. “When you proposed in your roundabout way, that was the moment you were ready to be Mikey’s dad. I accepted that then. Even if I hadn’t known and he didn’t have your genes, you would still be his dad.”
Closing his eyes at my words, he leaned forward and pressed his head to my shoulder. “Thank you. I love him so damn much. I want to be the best dad ever.”
“You already are,” I reassured.