Chapter 24 #2
“One thing about getting to my age is that you learn how to handle adversity and any challenge that comes your way, and believe me, falling in love with a woman who can fit in with our family will give you both.”
“That just means you know how to take a verbal beating, man. Look at who helped raise us - we’ve got that shit down and we’re half your age,” Lazlo argued.
“How old do you fuckers think I am?” I snapped.
Memphis laughed and said, “Old enough to settle down, so that means you’re pretty fucking old. But then again, I might change my tune sooner than you did so I can at least enjoy my marriage before they split us up in the nursing home.”
“We’re never going to get this shit done if y’all are just gonna stand around flapping your dicksuckers,” Heath said angrily as he piled more chairs onto the rack.
“Lazlo and Memphis were just pointing out how old I am, and I was considering how fun it might be to prove to them that just because they’re younger doesn’t mean they can beat me at anything.”
Heath slowly turned his head to glare at Lazlo and Memphis before he sighed and looked back at me. He grinned wickedly before he asked, “What do you have in mind, birdbrain?”
“I’m playing the long game here, but I’m so sure that age and wisdom will win out that I’m willing to put myself in danger just to prove it.”
“Tell me more,” Heath said skeptically.
I looked over at Lazlo and Memphis and then at Wild and Ransome who had just joined our ragtag group of slackers.
I knew that Lazlo was the most physically fit man in the group, only because he owned The Gauntlet and had inherited both Aunt Willow’s and his father’s love of working out, so anything having to do with strength or stamina was off the table.
Memphis was even more stubborn than Uncle Daughtry with an added layer of tenacity he got from his mom, my Aunt Jamie.
Once I’d heard Papa Smokey describe Memphis as “so stubborn that he’d argue with a brick wall and then try to beat the shit out of it when it didn’t talk back.
” That could be his downfall, but then again, he was a pretty cunning guy, so I’d need to take that into consideration too.
Now, Wild and Ransome were completely different characters.
Not only were they physically fit, but they were both very intelligent, even if they tried to mask it behind sarcasm and their “no fucks given” attitude.
They were so much like their fathers that competing against them in anything might get someone injured, even if it was only because talking to them when they were on a roll made you want to bash your own head in.
However, they weren’t nearly as cunning as Uncle Clem or Uncle Kale. I could easily use that against them.
“The competition has two parts. No, let’s make it three.
The first rule of Fight Club is we don’t talk about Fight Club, right?
” I asked, quoting one of my favorite movies.
When all of them nodded, I said, “Absolute secrecy. You can’t tell anyone about this competition that isn’t in it, so you can’t bring in any ringers. Got it?”
All of them nodded again, so I continued. “This is where parts two and three come in. You have to befriend Jewel and her dog.”
“Ursula?” Wild gasped in horror. “How the fuck are we supposed to do that?”
“I’m out. I grew up with her, so I know better than to even try. Nope! Not happening!” Heath said as he shook his head and walked away. As he started folding more chairs, he called out over his shoulder, “Y’all have fun, and I promise to say something nice at your funerals, even if it is a lie.”
“When you say ‘befriend,’ what exactly do you mean?” Ransome asked.
“Well, genius, it’s a simple word that means to become someone’s friend. A confidant. Someone they know they can trust.”
“Aunt Jewel? She’ll eat us alive!” Lazlo argued.
“Do you remember what it was like when she was our babysitter?” Memphis asked the other guys in the group.
As they nodded, I reminded them, “She used to babysit me, too, you know.”
The look of terror on Wild’s face was hilarious when he whispered, “She’s so mean that even the other elders don’t fuck with her! You saw how Heath reacted!”
“So what you’re telling me is that you’re so young that your balls haven’t even dropped yet,” I teased, knowing that by insulting their manhood they would definitely take the bait.
“Man, fuck you!” Memphis growled.
“I’ve got balls, but I’ve got a brain too. I think this is a suicide mission.” Lazlo looked around at the other guys before he asked, “What are we trying to prove anyway? That we’re immortal?”
I shrugged before I goaded, “If you guys aren’t up for the challenge that’s fine. I’ll take the easy win.”
“Fuck it. I’m a charming guy. I can make Aunt Jewel love me. We’ll be drinking coffee on her porch together by this time next week.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, Wild. Slow and steady wins the race,” Lazlo reminded him. “What’s our timeline?”
“A month?” I thought about it before I changed my answer to, “Six months. The first one of you who can become friends with Ursula and make Jewel start being nice to you wins bragging rights.”
“You’re part of this!” Memphis reminded me.
I shook my head before I said, “No, I’m the one that’s older and wiser, remember?
If me or any of my brothers start sucking up to her, she’ll immediately go on the defensive.
She swears we gave her so much hell as children that the sight of us instantly gives her hives and an irresistible urge to go on a killing spree.
I’ll be the impartial judge, and whoever wins the competition gets bragging rights and can say that you proved my old ass wrong. ”
“And we can remind everyone that Heath didn’t have the balls to even try,” Ransom chortled. “I like that.”
“Leave my old balls out of this, youngster,” Heath said as he stacked more chairs on the rack. “When this is all over, I’ll probably be the only one with them still attached.”
“I’m in,” Lazlo said as he looked around at the other guys. When each of them nodded, he smiled at me and said, “Let the games begin!”
“Okay,” I said as I pulled my phone out. “I’ll put the end date in my calendar and expect all of you to keep me updated on your progress.”
“This is gonna be a breeze. I can charm anyone, including Jewel Parker.”
“I’ll remember you said that, Wild. Memphis, any last words?”
“At this point all of you are the enemy so I’m not gonna say shit.”
“Allrighty then,” I said with a bark of laughter. “Let’s officially start the challenge tomorrow. That gives you the rest of today to make a plan.”
“Y’all are going down,” Ransom told the guys as he lifted his hands up and gave them a charming smile. “No one can resist this.”
I heard the tractor getting closer, so I said, “Hey, Rebel’s on her way back to get this rack. Heath and I will get it filled if you guys will go and arrange everything in the trailer.”
“On it,” Lazlo said as he took off with the other guys hot on his heels. “I’ll keep you updated.”
“I know you’re trying to get us killed, but I forgive you, Crow,” Wild said with a grin. As he jogged after the other guys he said, “This is gonna be so much fun.”
I was chuckling when I looked over at Heath and found him assessing me warily before he asked, “What are you up to, birdbrain?”
“A good competition is healthy for the soul, don’t you think?” I asked.
“Jewel eats two of those over easy with toast every morning for breakfast.”
“If that’s the case, then she’s gonna be eating well for a while, isn’t she?”