4. #2
“Can we get on with this?”
“Terran, come on. You can’t just leave us hanging. What are your plans for the evening?” I asked. “Have you taken up birdwatching? Are you clipping coupons? Chair yoga?”
“Knitting? Crochet? Quilting?” Spruce added. “Come on, brother. Spill.”
“You’re both aware that you’re older than me, aren’t you?” Terran asked. “With that in mind, it would make sense if either of you took up one or more of those hobbies well before I begin one of them.”
“If you don’t tell me what you’re doing this evening, I’ll call Mom and tell her I’m worried about you. Then she’ll be all up in your business until you give up the information anyway,” I threatened.
“I used to wonder if I was switched at birth, but more and more lately, I’ve found myself wishing that were really the case.”
“The two of you are like different sides of the same coin,” I said. “You look just alike, but one of you acts like he’s got a stick up his ass and the other can’t remember if he ate breakfast this morning.”
“You just described them both at the same time, Jewel,” Petra said as she walked into the conference room.
“Why are you pointing out their likenesses? You know how offended Terran gets when someone accuses him of being mortal, and Spruce is under the misconception that he’s the best-looking one in the family. ”
“Because I am,” Spruce muttered.
Petra rolled her eyes. “If you keep it up, soon they’ll both be whining, and then we’ll have to gag them to get them to shut up.”
“If we weren’t related, I’d never speak to either of you,” Terran announced.
“Now, you have approximately seven minutes to give me your spiel. We’ll have five minutes of raucous argument after Spruce and I agree that you’re an imbecile and shoot whatever idea you’ve come up with out of the water, while Petra argues on your behalf just so she’ll have something to say.
Then it will take me three minutes to get to my car. Time starts now.”
“I hate your face,” I told Spruce when he started cackling.
Petra slapped her hand on the table. “This meeting is now in session.”
“It’s simple. I’ve been thinking about Brooklyn’s proposal, and I want in.”
“The rugby thing?” Spruce asked in disbelief. “Really?”
“Yes, really. She presented a very well-put-together proposal, and I can’t find a reason why it wouldn’t work to our benefit.”
“Not even one reason?” Terran asked sarcastically. “I’ve got a list.”
“Have you ever watched a rugby match, Terran?”
“I don’t even know what shape of ball they use,” Terran scoffed.
I picked up my phone, opened the video I’d saved for this exact moment, and held it so Terran could see the screen. He winced when two players collided, then jerked to the side as if they were about to burst out of the screen and tackle him. He looked up at me in horror.
“Why do you want to be part of that?”
“I’m not going to be playing, dumbass. I want us to be the team physicians.”
“Why?” Petra asked, her eyes glued to the screen. “Think of all the injuries–oh, shit! Did you see that hit? Why aren’t they wearing pads?”
“Or helmets?” Terran asked, appalled. “Can you imagine what an MRI looks like after they’ve played for any length of time? It would be fascinating to compare a veteran player with a rookie and then . . .”
I knew I’d hooked him when his voice trailed off and he frowned at the screen. Spruce, on the other hand, was already sold. He loved sports of all kinds, and even though he’d never played rugby, I knew he’d be obsessed with the physicality of it while devouring the rules and statistics.
Petra was mesmerized by something else entirely. She glanced up at me in awe. “Have you noticed the thighs on these guys?” When I nodded, she looked back down at the screen and whispered, “Damn.”
My mind flashed to that night in the hotel room when I watched Ziggy Romano’s pants fall to the floor. I had been in just as much awe when I saw his powerful thighs, so I knew exactly what was going through my sister’s mind as she stared at the video.
“I’m not a doctor, but I’d love to give this guy right here an exam. Oh! And this one too,” Petra exclaimed, pulling the phone closer to get a better look.
“And we’ve lost her,” Spruce said, grinning at me.
“You know she's always been captivated by shiny things,” I said, waiting for her response.
Petra didn’t disappoint. She lifted one hand and flipped me off without looking away from the screen. “Both of you can shut the hell up. You’re interrupting my time with one of my future boyfriends.”
“Well, she’s not going to be any help during this conversation,” Terran mused, giving me a bored look.
“She’s basically here for the legal side of things, unless I can convince Marcus and company to go in with us on this . . .”
“Us? What do you mean, ‘go in’?”
“I’m not just going to be the team physician. I want to buy stock.”
“It’s illegal to own humans, Jewel.”
Before I could respond, Spruce looked at Terran as if he were about to sprout horns. “For such a smart guy, you can be really dense.”
“That’s not the first time you’ve said that, but I still don’t agree. It’s illegal for one person to own another, as both of you know.”
“I’m not talking about the players as if they’re livestock, Ter. Good grief.”
“Although, as sexist as this sounds, I wouldn’t mind having a stable full of . . .”
“That is the most disgusting, objectifying thing I’ve ever heard someone say,” Terran snapped at Petra. “They’re not cattle, ladies. They’re well-trained human specimens . . .”
Spruce scoffed. “As if that sounds any better. Good God, people. Do you realize what someone would think if they overheard this conversation? All three of you are certifiable.”
“No, we’re not. Mom had us tested,” Petra argued without looking up.
“Multiple times,” Terran added.
“It wasn’t Mom’s idea the last time,” I reminded them.
“She’s right. Dad still rants about the feds every chance he gets, and I’m sure that has a lot to do with the way they treated us,” Spruce agreed. He laughed. “If I recall correctly, it had something to do with the way they treated us like specimens, as if we weren’t living, breathing humans.”
Petra sighed. “I know I was switched at birth because there’s no way I could possibly be related to people who are so freaking obnoxious.”
“Can we please focus on me for a minute? I swear, having a conversation with any of you is taxing, but trying to have one with the three of you together in one room is like herding wet cats.”
“Are they harder to herd if they’re wet?” Spruce asked.
Terran scoffed and, as if this were an actual discussion point, jumped in.
“Cats are generally antisocial animals, and you’re not likely to find a herd of them anywhere.
Besides, a group of cats isn’t called a herd.
If they’re domesticated, it’s called a clowder, and if they’re feral, it’s called a colony. ”
Petra finally looked up from her phone. “I like the descriptive term used when a group of cats are uncomfortable and wary of each other.”
“Can we not do this?” I asked, leaning my head back and closing my eyes to find a shred of inner peace that might stop me from committing multiple felonies and then spending time finding decent burial spots for my siblings without getting caught.
“Just be normal for ten minutes! That’s all I’m asking! ”
Terran ignored me. “That wouldn’t be a colony?”
“It’s called a glaring. Isn’t that perfect?”
I opened my eyes to find Spruce looking at his phone. “This is interesting! A group of unrelated kittens is called a kindle!”
I slapped my hands on the table and pushed up from my chair. It flew back and hit the wall right before I yelled, “All three of you can go shit yourself!”
“Don’t you mean ‘go fuck yourself’?” Petra asked, confused.
“No, fucking yourself is generally done while someone is alone. I want each of you to shit yourself in public so you can experience mortification that is almost, but not quite, equal to the debilitating pain I feel when I have to converse with any of you individually, but especially together in a group.”
“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” Spruce asked.
“What is it called when one sibling murders all of the other ones?”
“Fratricide,” Spruce answered.
“In my case, since I’m a sister, it’s called sororicide,” Petra remarked.
Of course, Terran had to get more specific. “It’s called familicide if the act is completed in quick succession, whether the siblings are male or female.”
I snatched my phone out of Petra’s hands, spun around, and stormed out of the conference room, yelling over my shoulder, “If I have to be around you any longer, I’ll commit all three at the same time!”
“Technically, there are three siblings unaccounted for, so you won’t get the entire group in one fell swoop.
“I don’t want to kill them!” I called back.
“When will the team be here?” Petra shouted after me.
I didn’t even look back. “When they get here, I’m going to let them know that if they even so much as glance your way, their contracts will be null and void.”
Something hit the doorframe behind me, and Petra yelled, “Rude!”
As usual, my conversation with my siblings had gone completely off the rails, but I still had to ask, “Are you guys in or not?”
Just before I slammed my office door, all three yelled, “Yes!”