Chapter 11
I was going to do it, right away. Just go to Sebastian’s dressing room, rip the band aid off. It’d be easier for us both that way. A brief, factual conversation was what I’d had in mind. I couldn’t let the conversation get away from me.
I wasn’t planning on lying to him, not exactly.
I was going to tell him as much of the truth as I could without, you know, admitting I was still stupidly in love with him.
I hadn’t been lying to Shep, Mira and Annabelle.
Coming out had been difficult, it had brought up a lot of unresolved feelings for me.
I wanted to deal with them in a healthy, constructive way, and that meant going home so I could start therapy.
It all sounded really mature and reasonable and like the right thing to do.
So why was I suddenly incapable of saying that to Sebastian?
I hesitated outside his dressing room door for what felt like an age, hands shoved in my pockets as I played my little script over and over in my head.
I hadn’t scripted any responses from Sebastian, partly because I was hoping he’d let me say my piece and get out of there without interrupting but mostly because I could never really predict what he was going to say.
He always took me by surprise, from the very first day I met him.
“Get it together,” I muttered to myself, yanking a hand from my pocket and knocking on his door. I regretted it instantly but it was too late to turn back now.
The door swung open and I dragged in a breath, hoping to steady myself before launching into my little speech.
Myah was standing in the doorway, looking as flawless as I remembered. Her long dark hair was slicked back into a neat ponytail and her brown eyes were warm when they met mine. Everything from her carefully applied eyeliner to the engagement ring glittering on her elegant hand was perfect.
“Max!” She beamed, the full force of her cheery greeting rocking me back on my heels. “It’s so nice to see you again.”
“You too,” I lied, forcing a smile that had nowhere near the wattage of hers. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were here. I’ll come back later… ”
“Are you sure? Sebastian’s just in the shower, he won’t be long.”
God, that’s all I needed, to be standing in Sebastian’s dressing room waiting to tell him I was leaving the tour when he came out of the shower. Probably with a towel around his waist, his wet hair dripping down his tattooed back…
“No, no, that’s ok,” I swallowed, hoping my friendly smile wasn’t slipping. “I’ll see you later.”
I high tailed it away from Sebastian’s dressing room door so fast I was sure I left little puffs of dust in my wake. I was so flustered by coming face to face with his fiancée that I wasn’t watching where I was going and almost ran right into Jet.
“Woah, Max!” He caught me by the arms, stopping us from a potentially messy collision. “You alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Yeah, I just…went to talk to Sebastian,” I nodded. “I didn’t know Myah was back on the tour.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jet frowned. “I’m gonna go get a coffee, wanna come?”
“Sure,” I agreed, grateful for the distraction.
I followed him through the maze of corridors to the canteen where catering was set up for the day.
Mira was already there, her face lighting up when Jet walked in.
I narrowed my eyes at her and she rolled her eyes at me – we still hadn’t had a talk about what was going on with them, but it was becoming increasingly clear that they were in some sort of relationship.
I was happy for her. Curious, too, as to how they were going to make it work long term, if that was something they were interested in doing.
Not that I had any reason to wonder how two musicians in two successful bands would make a romantic relationship work while they were actively touring, but it could be handy to know in case I ever found myself stable enough to give dating a try.
Jet and I grabbed a couple of coffees and sat down at one of the empty tables with Mira. They exchanged sweet, happy smiles and I was pretty sure they were holding hands under the table, but I knew better than to bring it up. Mira could easily kick my ass.
“So when did Myah get back?” I asked, hoping I sounded more casual about it than I felt.
“Just an hour or so ago,” Jet replied, frowning as he stirred his coffee. “I was a bit surprised to see her, to be honest. I was kind of getting the vibe from Sebastian that it wasn’t going to work out. He wasn’t expecting her to come back on the road. ”
I was glad I hadn’t been taking a sip of my coffee when he said that – I would’ve choked on it.
Sebastian and I hadn’t really talked about Myah much, especially after she’d gone home, but I assumed it was because he felt uncomfortable talking to his ex about his current partner.
To be honest, I felt uncomfortable talking about what had happened with Sebastian to Sebastian , and he’d been there the whole time.
“Yeah, I don’t see it lasting,” Mira added ruefully. “I just don’t think she gets him, you know?”
“That’s what I said!” Jet said, sounding relieved that someone else had come to the same conclusion. “But it’s not like I can say anything to him. They got engaged so fast and she’s a nice girl but they don’t belong together.”
“Why not?” I tried to keep my question casual, but judging by Mira’s quirked brow, I’d missed the mark by a country mile.
“Myah’s too focused on appearances, you know?
She’s the kind of person who thinks her life will be perfect if it looks perfect.
I think Sebastian was drawn to her because she makes everything seem so easy, so effortless.
But that’s not what he needs, long term.
I’m glad she made him realize he could have a serious, lasting relationship but he needs to be challenged.
Sebastian’s gonna get bored eventually, I was just hoping it would happen before they got married so that he didn’t have to go through getting divorced,” Jet explained, sighing at the end at the mention of divorce.
Thinking about Sebastian getting married was so painful that I’d actively tried to stop my mind from wandering in that direction. But if he got married there was always the possibility that he’d end up divorced. It just seemed so messy, so complicated, so grown up.
It was a world away from what Sebastian and I had, half a decade previously.
It was easy to be attracted to him, to act on impulse, to get swept up in his searing kisses and his bright smiles and his whispered confessions – but it had never felt like an ongoing relationship was a forgone conclusion, let alone a commitment on the level Sebastian and Myah were going to make.
Neither Sebastian nor I were anywhere near that level of maturity back then.
Yet here he was, ready to make that kind of commitment to someone else and I was a single dad. We hadn’t had that level of maturity together, but we’d somehow stumbled into it while we were apart. I couldn’t help but wonder if things would be different between us now.
“If you’re really worried about him, Jet, I think you should tell him,” Mira said with a small, supportive smile. “Sebastian loves you, you love him, and I’m sure if you had a respectful conversation about your concerns, he’d listen.”
Jet didn’t look convinced, but I could tell from the crease in his blond brow that he respected her opinion.
There was no way he wasn’t going to at least think about it.
I tried to keep my expression neutral, like I didn’t care either way if Jet intervened and somehow convinced Sebastian not to marry Myah.
That flutter in my stomach, it wasn’t hope.
It was queasiness from the sludge that was being passed off as coffee. Had to be.
“I’ll think about it,” Jet agreed, nodding. “I’m hoping that Sebastian comes to that conclusion himself.”
“Keep dreaming, babe,” Mira grinned at him, giving his arm a squeeze. Jet’s eyes were shining with delight when he grinned back at her.
“Alright well, I’m feeling sufficiently awkward so I’m gonna…” I got to my feet, blushing at their sweet exchange. “Go third wheel elsewhere.”
I gave them a wave before leaving the canteen, dumping my half empty coffee cup in the trash on my way out. I shoved my hands in my pockets, letting my mind wander as I headed in the vague direction of the Reliant dressing room.
Shep, Callie, Abbey and Annabelle were playing charades with Sara by the time I got there. I stood in the door, watching my little family, hoping the sight of them having fun would help settle my stomach.
◆◆◆
I couldn’t do it, in the end.
I couldn’t look him in his eyes, meet his knowing gaze, and tell him I was bowing out. I’d done it once before – left him behind – and it had been an agony that almost tore me apart. I wanted to be brave, for him and for me, but I just couldn’t.
That was why I was going home anyway, wasn’t it?
I was on new ground, on unsteady feet, and I needed to learn how to navigate my new reality.
It was a whole new world for me; one where I was openly gay, one where I was still in love with Sebastian and able to admit it not just to myself but to other people.
I had to learn how to live in it and I couldn’t do that with Sebastian distracting me at every turn.
I took the coward’s way out, and I wrote him a letter.
Dear Sebastian,
I’m sorry that I didn’t have the guts to do this in person. I want you to know that I did try but I just wasn’t up to it. I’m not as brave as you are, although I hope to be one day.
Leaving the tour has nothing to do with you. I have to admit that I had my doubts about this tour but you’ve been really great – better than I deserved. I know I said we’re not friends but you’re a wonderful person and I hope that maybe we can be friends one day.