Chapter 13
I t was a good thing Shep was driving, because there was no way I would’ve been able to focus on the road. He weaved through the traffic like the pro he is while I stared out of the window, my thoughts drifting away from me as the lights outside blurred together.
I kept thinking about how Sebastian and I had ended things the first time.
The last night of the tour felt like the biggest celebration I’d ever been a part of – we’d been staying at a run-down hotel and everyone had been drinking, so it’d been easy to peel away from the crowd with Sebastian without anyone noticing.
I’d stayed the night in his room, downing the bottle of champagne he’d swiped from god knows where, drunk on it and him and the indescribable feeling that my band had made it.
We were making money, people were screaming our songs back at us every night and I was in bed with Sebastian fucking Jacobs .
In the harsh light of the next day, though, it all fell apart.
I woke up with Sebastian in my arms, snuffling sweetly in his sleep.
His hair had been longer and wilder then, falling into his pale face.
I pushed it back so I could look at him, really look at him without him smirking at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking.
He looked so young. Even though he was putting on these incredible shows and his band was blowing up and everyone who met him fell ass over elbow in love with him, with his expression smoothed out by sleep and those wicked, knowing eyes closed, he looked like little more than a kid.
There was a lump in my throat – hot, bitter, unshed tears. I knew that it was over between us and I was furious. Angry at myself for falling in love with him, angry at him for being him so that falling in love with him had felt inevitable.
“Sebastian,” I murmured, shaking him. “I have to go.”
“Why?” He groaned, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as he stirred against my side. I could feel his arm tightening possessively around my waist. “Bus call isn’t for ages.”
“I just have to go,” I repeated a bit more forcefully, pushing his arm away. I sat up, glancing down at him to see that my tone had woken him all the way up .
“You don’t,” he argued, sitting up so that the tangled sheets pooled around his waist. I got up, pulling on my underwear and my pants. I couldn’t have this conversation with him while I was naked in bed with him, no way.
“I do,” I grabbed my shirt, pulling it over my head even though it smelled like cheap beer and smoke. My skin felt like it was two sizes too small, like I was going to burst if I didn’t get out of that room.
“Max,” he sighed, pulling on his own underwear as he got to his feet. I couldn’t look at him, all that gorgeous pale skin shimmering in the light spilling in from the half open drapes.
“Don’t do that,” I snapped, running my shaking hands through my hair. “You sound like you’re going to lecture me and I don’t want to hear it.”
“I wasn’t going to lecture you,” he bit back. “I was just gonna say, it doesn’t need to be like this, alright? You don’t need to pick a fight so that you have an excuse to walk away from…” he gestured between us, the chipped polish on his fingernails catching my eye. “This.”
“And what do you think this is?” I sneered, hoping I didn’t sound as panicked as I felt. He could read me so easily and it had never made me feel more unsettled.
“I think that I’m falling in love with you, and you’re falling in love with me, and it scares the shit out of you,” he replied, levelling me with a steady gaze.
“This doesn’t need to be some big, complicated thing.
You and Reliant can move out to New York.
Or Burning Bright and I can move out to LA.
Both places are pretty good spots to build on what we’ve got going so far, we can make this work… ”
“Stop it!”
I didn’t mean to raise my voice – I hardly ever yelled when I wasn’t onstage – but I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t stand there and watch him build our lives together. He made it sound so easy, like he could move to LA or I could move to New York and everything would just magically work between us.
He recoiled like I’d hit him, gazing down at his bare feet. I watched, nauseous, as he ground his big toe into the suspiciously stained carpet.
“This is not a thing,” I said, voice trembling almost as badly as my hands. I shoved them in my pockets. “We’re not going to be together. I’m not falling in love with you, Sebastian. I needed to blow off some steam and you were just…here. That’s it.”
“We both know that’s not true. You feel something for me, something real and I feel the same way about you. Just because we haven’t put a name on it, that doesn’t make it any less real.”
“I don’t feel anything for you. ”
I closed my eyes so that I didn’t have to see the tears glistening in his. He stood there in nothing but his underwear, hair crumpled and eyeliner smudged, looking like one more word from me would crack him in half.
Then his lip curled, his trademark smirk forming and I knew I’d done something awful.
Sebastian, my Sebastian, was gone in an instant.
Whatever had been building between us had been broken by my lies.
It was shattered into a million pieces, falling down around us like the dust motes caught in the sunlight streaming in.
“You’re a coward, Max, and an unbelievable asshole,” he snarled, crossing his arms across his chest which was heaving with barely restrained anger.
“I am not a coward! Just because I don’t broadcast the fact that I’m…”
I couldn’t say it, even though swallowing it down made me feel physically sick. Something shifted in Sebastian’s gaze, like he knew exactly what I’d been about to say. He realized I couldn’t bring myself to say it, his brow furrowing at me.
“No one’s saying you need to come out, Max. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it. If we’re together, if we just live our lives together – you know, go to events, hang out with our friends, just live – sooner or later, people get the message. They’d understand.”
“I can’t do that, Sebastian! I can’t just swan around with you, holding your hand and being…being your boyfriend. I’ve never even held your hand in public for fuck’s sake. I’m not that guy! We were hooking up and it was fun but that’s all it was. That’s all it’s ever been.”
I could tell from the look on his face that he didn’t believe me but I was all out of words. We’d probably spoken more in that five-minute argument than we had done in any of our other morning-after conversations.
“Liar,” he chuckled but it sounded bitter, like the acid coming up from my own stomach. I swallowed it down, chalking it up to my impending hangover.
“Are you really that desperate that you can’t let me go?” I demanded, pulling on my shoes so that he didn’t have to see my face. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, let alone look at him as I fired my parting shot.
“You know what, you’re right. I deserve better than some fucked up closet case who can’t even admit that he feels something for someone.”
“And I deserve better than some pathetic man baby who can’t handle a friends-with-benefits situation! ”
“Get the fuck out!”
I ducked as he threw my other shoe at me, stunned more by the way his voice cracked than the sudden increase in volume. He was yelling at me. I grabbed my shoe, stole one last look at him over my shoulder and let his door slam closed behind me.
“Max?”
I blinked away the memories, swallowing down the lump in my throat – just like I had then – and turned to where Shep was saying my name.
We’d stopped. I glanced around, quickly realizing that we were in the parking lot beside the ER entrance. I could see lights flashing in the distance, but I was so out of it that it took me longer than it should’ve to understand they were camera flashes.
“There’s cameras?” I asked quietly, looking back at Shep like he had all the answers.
“I guess so,” he frowned. “Vultures. Just…stay behind me, ok?”
I nodded my agreement, holding back a second as he got out of the car.
My hands were shaking as I unbuckled my seatbelt and pushed open the passenger door.
I went to shove them in my pockets, to hide them from Shep for some reason I knew I was going to have to discuss with Joanne the following week .
He grabbed one of my hands before I had a chance and if my sweaty palms grossed him out, he didn’t say anything.
I fell into step behind him as he pulled me towards the ER doors, ducking my head so that the flashes from the cameras didn’t blind me.
I was vaguely aware of multiple people calling my name, yelling out questions, but I could barely hear it over the roaring in my ears.
Every step we took towards the hospital felt like I was wading through sand, wearing shoes made of concrete. If it hadn’t been for Shep pulling me forward, I wouldn’t have made it inside.
Mira was standing beside the reception desk, her dark hair swept back in a loose ponytail. There was a small white bandage by her temple but apart from that, she was unscathed.
“Are you ok?” Shep asked, dropping my hand to pull her into a tight hug. She gripped the back of his shirt for a minute, face buried in his chest as she nodded.
“I’m fine,” she said, grabbing me and hugging me so tight I could feel my bones creak. I held her gently, scared that she was more hurt than she was letting on.
“Come on,” Mira gestured down the hall with one hand before lacing her fingers through mine. “We’re all down here. ”
She led us to a small relatives room, nodding to the stone-faced hospital security guard who was standing outside the door as she ushered us inside.
Adrian, the Burning Bright tour manager and Loren, their band manager, were waiting inside with Jet and Steve. The room was lit with small lamps and the blinds were closed but it was obvious, even in the low light, that they were all pretty shaken up.