Chapter 13
She slowly lifted her head to look at me. The movement allowing me to see just how nervous she looked.
“I don’t want to stop… at least, not right now… I want one more year… I’ve done the research, one more year hardly makes any kind of difference to my pregnancy risks…”
Wow! Where the fuck had that come from? Just a few weeks back she’d been joking about taking our kids to Mackinac Island. Now she was saying even trying for kids was off the table for another year. Or, at least, that was her take on things.
I was speechless. Lost for words as I just stared back at her. Her nerves still there, but now joined by a determined jut of the jaw.
“Care to explain?”
Did it sound confrontational. Your damn right it did! No discussion. No maybe. No ‘can we’. Just a bolt of lightening out of a clear sky.
Conversely, my abrasive attitude made her soften.
“Sorry babe. I really am. I know that must have come as a huge shock for you… and, I’m not saying never, I’m just saying I want another year…”
“Another year playing… or another year with Thomas?”
She might have softened, but I was still feeling pretty pissed.
“Yes, another year with Thomas!” she snapped back, not as angry as me, but certainly no longer soft.
We glared at each other.
She wasn’t going to back down.
Swallowing my anger, I went for something more constructive.
“Look, Sash… I can’t pretend I’m not shocked, pissed and more than a little hurt… that you spring that on me like that,” I sighed, hands raised high as a gesture of peace.
“But leaving aside my feelings, Sash… you need to help me understand… what changed?’
This did the trick, her face softened, she apologized and started explaining herself.
“It’s simple really… and this is nothing about you and me or our starting a family honey… and I’m really sorry if this hurts you, because I love you and that’s the last thing I’d want to do…
“Spending that time with Thomas in South Africa… and in such an emotional situation… it changed things… broke down barriers… made us grow closer… and honestly, with the way we feel about each other… I don’t want to stop things now… it would be wrong…”
Eyebrows raised, I looked quizzically at her last meaning.
“Wrong, because it would be unfinished business… it would leave you and me building our family on unstable, unfinished, weak foundations…”
I went silent. Weighing her words. Wondering how the hell to respond when another unwelcome question came into my head.
“Why did Thomas’s mom say ‘follow your heart’? Even on her death bed, why did she fight so hard to get that message across to you? Not to Thomas… not to her daughters… but to a woman she’d only just met…”
Sasha went quiet. Her face coloring up.
“Sash… what did we say about always being honest… no matter how hard…”
“I think she saw something… saw something in the way we were… in the closeness, the bond between us…”
“Between you and Thomas?”
Of course between her and Thomas! But I wanted to hear her say it out loud.
“Yes,” she whispered, “between me and Thomas…”
“So, Sash… what was it she saw? A bond, a closeness… or was it more than that?”
She just blushed, too embarrassed to answer.
“I’m asking, Sash… was it more than that, she saw?” I demanded.
“Maybe,” she murmured, looking down at the floor.
“Maybe? You don’t know? Was it more that that, yes or no?”
“Yes,” she answered quietly, her eyes now up, looking straight at me.
I hesitated. Fuck did I hesitate. We both knew what I was going to ask next, even if I hated to ask, terrified of the answer I was likely to hear.
“So ‘Yes’, it’s more than closeness… so what is it then? Is it love… is it love she saw? That’s why she said ‘follow your heart’?”
“Yes! Yes, it’s love she saw! Happy now?” she spat back, my questioning and confused hard-soft-hard attitude finally pushing her from meekness and remorse to anger and standing her ground.
“You happy now? Are you excited like you were when I told you I loved Benson? When you told me to carry on seeing him, because it made it even more exciting for my pervert husband… okay to love another man, just so long as I don’t leave you and take your warped, sick game away!”
Moment of truth. Decision time. Throw gasoline on the fire—reminding her just a month ago she’d told me point-blank she didn’t love him.
Or read her tone and blazing, angry eyes to find a more constructive path.
A path that reflected how betrayed and hurt I was feeling, but which didn’t explode our marriage in the next few minutes.
Hands back in the air, a gesture of peace, I tried for the middle ground.
“I guess I asked for that… sorry, babe… it’s just a month ago you told me you only loved him as a friend… and then this!
“And last time with Benson… yes, I did say that about the love between you being exciting… but then we both learned our lesson… the love between you and Benson nearly destroyed us…”
Sasha and I did lots of talking in the next few hours.
She reassured me that Thomas wasn’t like Benson. That just because feelings had developed between them, didn’t mean he wanted to steal her away and settle down with her—to make her Mrs. Thomas Twana.
“Honey, he’s still the same playboy he always was…
yes, feelings grew as I helped him through such an emotional time..
but that doesn’t mean he wants to steal me away…
he’s more than happy to share me… he knows your my husband and that I’ll never stop loving you or leave you…
just because I love him too, doesn’t mean I love you any less… he knows that…”
Neither of us was so stupid as to think any situation carries zero danger. But the more Sasha talked, the more I could see she was hiding nothing, that she was being totally honest with me.
By the end of our talk, the vibes were good and Sasha asked me the sixty-four million dollar question.
“So, what do you think, Jase, honey?
“Are you prepared to give it a go?
“Or after what happened with Benson, do you think it’s too big a risk?”
I really was torn in two.
A big part of me was excited.
For a voyeur-cuck like me, my wife having an affair with a man she actually loved and who loved her back was the ultimate adrenaline rush.
But after what happened with Benson, it also scared me shitless. Which of course was why it was so exciting!
I only finally gave Sasha her answer the following day.
While Sasha joined her family at church, I made an excuse and took myself on a long walk.
I was so confused—that horrible mix of excitement and terror. But as I walked and walked, I came to the realization that in a way I had little choice.
If I said ‘No’ to Sasha’s request to be allowed a last year of being Thomas’s girlfriend, then I knew in my heart there’d always be a nagging fear in the back of my mind.
And that as far as Sasha was concerned, there’d always be a pig part of her that would wonder what might have been and long to be with Thomas again—even if we had kids by then.
That was no kind of foundation for the family we were so desperate to have. Uncertainty and ‘what if’, unexplored longings. Those kind of things would always sap the strength and lead to risks I wasn’t prepared to take.
Leaving aside my excitement at the thought of their affair continuing, as I finished my walk I realized that agreeing to Sasha’s request was actually the lesser of two evils.
Which was what prompted me to do the second thing I needed to do before I finally felt ready to give Sasha her answer. I invited Thomas around, as I needed to look in the eye to be as sure as I could about his intentions, and to agree some ground rules.
He already knew all about Benson, so I didn’t have to labor the point about my fears. Instead I focused on getting him and Sasha to agree just two things.
“Rule one. Total honesty, guys… are we all agreed?”
That wasn’t a problem, we all signed up to that.
“And rule two, just for Thomas… on your family’s honor, do you promise that if you ever get tired of sharing Sasha, you’ll back off… that you won’t try and break up our marriage…”
He agreed instantly, and the way he said it left me with zero doubt he meant it.
Which meant I finally turned to Sasha to say the words she was so desperate to hear.
“Okay, baby… after what happened with Benson, I can’t say a big part of me isn’t afraid… but I love you, and no how much this means to Thomas and you… so, yes… you have my blessing for the two of you to carry on as lovers for the next twelve months…”
The way they both smiled affected me deeply. So as I normally did, I hid behind humor. “But after that, no more postponements, no more excuses… I’m gonna knock you up… put a bun in that sexy little oven of yours!”
We all laughed and Sasha gave me the biggest of hugs and sloppiest of kisses. Which made me temporarily forget all my fears—putting me in the mood for the kinkiest evening the three of us had ever shared.
With the biggest smile on his face, Thomas took the lead. As he looked at me, his words were hardly subtle or gentle.
“Too much seriousness… not enough fun… Jase, what do you say we take your gorgeous wife upstairs and you beat your little dicklet while I give Sasha a real cock?”
Fucker. Fucking fucker.
He knew me too well. His wicked grin a contrast to my own blushing cheeks as he stared at the tented front of my pants.
“So that’s a yes then…”
The games that happened between the three of us for the next few hours took things to a whole new level. And, unlike so often, when we played, I wasn’t always at the edge and passive.
When we got up to our masted bedroom, I got my own back on Thomas in my own weird and kinky way. For once taking command—even if my way of ‘taking command’ might seem a little unconventional for a normal husband.
“Okay, you two! Strip! Strip for the man of the house…
They grinned and did as they were told.
“Okay, now kiss! And kiss like you mean it…
“Now, Sasha… we said no secrets… so tell Thomas you love him! Let your kinky husband hear how you feel about your boyfriend…”