Chapter 16 #2
I wasn’t excited because we had lots of time together—I had to fly to Texas tomorrow—but because I was at peace because I had a plan to change what needed changing, and I was excited to share it with Sasha. The sooner I shared it, the sooner all three of us could get things back in balance.
Bang on time, right at two, I heard the rumble of tires on our driveway, although I was slightly confused as to why there were two cars and that neither of them was Sasha’s.
The second car was Lisa’s, which was odd, but I didn’t dwell on this as I watched Sasha’s sexy legs swing down from Thomas’s SUV.
Immediately I saw her face, I knew something was off.
Maybe that was why they were in Thomas’s car—an accident, a breakdown or a break-in.
“Babe, you okay? Did something happen?
As she got closer I realized it wasn’t just that her face was gaunt and distant, but there were dried tears on her cheeks and that she was shaking slightly.
She walked straight past me, her muttered words barely audible. “Shut the door, Jason… we need to talk…”
Confused and stunned, I did as she asked and followed her into the sitting room.
“There’s no easy way of saying this Jason, so I’m just going to come out and say it… I do still love you Jason, but I’ve fallen for Thomas and I want to be with Thomas…”
“I don’t understand,” I spluttered, more confused than ever, “you are with him… you spend more time with him than you do with me… that’s what you agreed to talk about when I agreed to South Africa…”
“I’m sorry, Jason… I did agree to that talk… but things have changed, being with Thomas and his family has made me see things differently. Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand what I’m saying?”
“NO!” I yelled, feeling like the dumbest man on the planet.
“I’ve fallen for Thomas… I still love you, Jase… but I’m in love with another man… and I want to be with him… and only with him… I love you, but I don’t want to be shared anymore, I only want to be with Thomas…”
As the awful, soul-destroying meaning of what Sasha was saying sank in I suddenly felt light-headed, my vision becoming tunneled as the whole room seemed to darken.
I felt myself lurch, grabbing the sideboard for support, my whole world just staring at the face that had just spoke those harrowing words.
The face looked concerned but determined, Was I dreaming?
But the voice spoke again, crushing my hopes this was a dream.
“I never meant to hurt you, honey…but it’s over… it’s best we get it over with, I’m going with Thomas now, moving in with him… but I’ve asked Lisa to stay with you for a while… make sure your okay, while things sink in…”
By now the shock had collapsed me down onto the sofa.
A million thoughts went through my mind. I was simply unable to comprehend what she was telling me. This couldn't be happening! I loved her, didn't she understand that?
Staring forlornly up at the woman who was shattering my heart, I was incapable of speech. The sight of me, broken and speechless, finally breaking down Sasha’s defenses as she collapsed onto the sofa beside me.
"I’m sorry, honey… we never intended for this to happen. But these last few days and weeks, I’ve come to understand I want a normal marriage again… a normal marriage to go along with the family I want…”
“I can give you that!” I blurted out—a chink of light, if normal was what this was all about, I could do normal.
“Sorry, Jase,” she murmured, stroking the tears from my cheeks. “We both know you genuinely think you can give me that… but look what happened after Benson…
“You promised me ‘normal’ after Benson—that’s why I cam back—but look what actually happened…”
“That’s not fair!” I sobbed. “That wasn’t just me… you were just as keen as me…”
Kissing me, looking at me, she didn’t deny it. Instead she muttered, “Maybe it’s not fair… but it’s what I need… it’s what I want…”
“It’s what you want! But what about Thomas… Thomas promised me faithfully if he got tired of sharing you, he’d back off… he promised on his family’s honor he wouldn’t break up our marriage… don’t you remember? Surely you remember…”
“Jason, sweetheart, of course I remember… but that was a promise he made, about not doing a Benson… not trying to make me choose…
“This isn’t about his choice or actions… I know it’s hard for you to hear, baby… but this is about my choice… about who I want to spend the rest of my life with… who I want as the father of my children…”
Those words… those painful, stabbing, poisonous words made me want to slit my wrists. Could a husband who’d shared his wife ever hear such painful words and feel any different reaction?
Her words instantly extinguished hope and made me want darkness and nothingness to swallow me whole. At least that way the crushing pain and sense of despair would be gone.
If Sasha was telling me there was no hope in her—she’d chosen, and not chosen me—what other route was there for me.
‘Who I want to spend my life with… who I want to father my children…’ Her echoing words opened the floodgates as the true hopelessness of my situation sank in.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed and sobbed. Some stubborn residual reserve of energy summoning one last desperate plea.
"But Sash… what about me, what all our years of love and marriage, don’t they count for anything? You still love me, surely we can carry on sharing… you can have Thomas and me in your life… and what about your parents?"
I didn't know what to say, I was crying harder than I ever have in my life and aimlessly throwing out any idea I thought my work.
I wasn’t on my own. Sasha was sobbing too.
Her struggle and pain briefly re-lighting the smallest of hopes, until she choked out words that just drove me deeper.
"Honey, I'm sorry, I know it’s the right thing,,, you and me together, we could never have a normal marriage… we’re as bad as each other…
that’s why Thomas is right for me… he can give me what I need, all within a normal marriage, a normal marriage that’s right for raising kids…
“That’s why I already told my mom and dad… and I promise I didn’t paint you as the bad guy… I told them we did this together… and that this is the way to make things right…”
All of us remember our first broken heart.
And a fair few of you know the pain of losing the person you love to another someone… another someone they choose over you.
I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Because seeing Sasha stand to leave, feeling the last touch of her hand on my cheek and knowing she was leaving for a life with a man I’d allowed into her life was the single most painful and crushing experience a man can experience.