Chapter Eight #2
She turned and ran and a moment later the front door slammed. Maureen looked at him apologetically, miserably, then followed her daughter out of his house.
*
Holly’s cold anger made the ride to the B and B very uncomfortable.
Though the front passenger seat was now vacant, she parked herself in the back seat, maximizing the space between herself and her mother.
Several times Maureen started to speak, then stopped.
All she could see was the side of Holly’s head as her daughter gazed out the window, her body stiff, her fingers clenching the straps of her backpack.
Finally, at the top of the winding lane that led to the B and B, Maureen stopped the car and twisted round in her seat “Please tell me what you’re so angry about.”
Holly shot her a killing glance and thrust out her jaw stubbornly.
“If something’s upsetting you, we should discuss it.”
No response.
“I thought you liked Jake?” Maureen said, trying again.
Holly opened the car door, then slammed it shut, all without moving from her seat. She whirled at her mother, high color in her cheeks. “I thought he was your business partner. But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
“Well…um…yes, as I said we’ve been—”
“Couldn’t you have told me? Did I have to see you guys groping each other and figure it out on my own?”
“Jake’s hand on my shoulder hardly constitutes groping.”
Holly began to tremble, and tears brightened her eyes but didn’t fall. “What about Dad, Mom? You’ve forgotten all about him, haven’t you? Because you never even loved him in the first place!”
Pain knifed through Maureen’s abdomen. “Why would you say such a thing?”
“I’m not a baby. I saw how much the two of you fought. You were probably glad he died. Saved you from having to get a divorce.”
“What?” Maureen struggled to process the words Holly had hurled at her.
For the second time Holly yanked open the car door. But this time she jumped out, leaving her backpack and scooter in the car.
Maureen lowered her window. “Holly, get back in the car!”
But her daughter was running up the lane, arms pumping, hair swinging with every stride.
Maureen scrambled out of her seat to follow.
“Stop right this minute!” Her tennis shoes gripped the gravel well and she hit her stride quickly.
But Holly had a good head start. When she ducked behind some trees, taking a shortcut rather than following the winding lane, Maureen gave up.
Even if she caught up, Holly wouldn’t listen to a word she had to say.
The futility of it all wiped her out as much as the sudden physical exertion. Breathless and disheartened, she turned back to the car. Now she moved as if her feet were weighted in cement blocks. When she reached the stranded vehicle, she fell into the front seat feeling at a total loss.
Do something, Maureen. Drive the car. Park the car. Go inside and have dinner. Smile at everyone and pretend nothing’s wrong.
But she couldn’t even shift into gear.
She was so exhausted. Making excuses every time Holly struck out at her, pretending it didn’t hurt, when every barb, snide comment and accusation stung like hell.
Meanwhile Rod would forever be the perfect father, the immortal hero.
As Maureen groped through her purse for some tissues, Holly’s bitter words tortured her. You never even loved him in the first place…
That’s what Holly thought, but she was wrong.
Maureen had loved Rod. She’d met him the month after she’d completed her undergrad degree and he’d transformed her entire world.
After a lifetime of being the responsible eldest sister, of studying hard, finishing high school two years early, then starting right away in university, she’d found in Rod all the things she’d missed along the way.
A handsome, extroverted boyfriend, all-night parties and wonderful, playful sex.
Impulsively, they’d married, and their first years together had been golden. Then she became pregnant. After Holly was born, things changed completely, especially once Maureen finished law school and started work at the firm.
Rod adored their child, but resented Maureen’s long work hours—though he spent most of her monthly paycheck.
Every few months he claimed he needed a break from the routine of childcare.
But he never planned family outings. Instead he went on long weekends with his fishing buddies, his climbing buddies, his skiing buddies.
And when he came home, refreshed, he lavished all his love on their darling little angel. Maureen didn’t begrudge any of that. She just wished he’d had some love left over for her.
He’d complained that she nagged too much, that it wasn’t fun to come home after his trips to a list of chores and complaints. Well, life wasn’t always fun and she couldn’t help that there were certain responsibilities.
Maureen sighed. She was tired of analyzing her years of marriage to Rod. Tired of trying to figure out who had been more to blame for the gulf between them.
She forced herself to shift out of Park and felt the car nose forward. But she braked when she realized she couldn’t see anything. Tears streaming down her face had washed everything into one big blur.
Damn you, Rod! Why did you have to die?
She wiped her eyes, her face, until the tissues shredded in her hands, and still the tears kept coming. She hadn’t cried this hard since he’d died, she supposed it was all catching up to her now.
A rap on her door brought her up short. Jake was peering in her window.
“Maureen? You okay? Where’s Holly?”
Mortified, she averted her head so he wouldn’t see her red eyes, her puffy lips. Glancing in the rearview mirror, she saw his Expedition parked right behind her. She hadn’t heard him drive up.
“What the hell happened?” He opened the door, pulled her from the car and wrapped her in his arms.
His kindness was her undoing. She started crying again. No, not crying, sobbing, like a heartbroken toddler. Bawling so hard her stomach hurt, her chest ached; it was impossible to breathe.
She gasped for air, and no sooner had it happened than she burst into more sobs, made more awful, blubbery noises.
Minutes passed, maybe even a quarter of an hour. Her river of tears became a trickle, then dried up. Jake went to his truck and came back with some napkins from a fast-food joint. He mopped her up, then took her hand and somehow they started walking.
Not along the lane, but through the woods. Maureen felt becalmed in this quiet, hidden world, protected by the pine and the larch. They wove their way along paths created by winter-foraging white-tailed deer and ended up at the river’s edge.
Jake led her to the slope-backed cedar chairs Dylan had built. The new wood was still raw and blond, but soon it would weather into a natural, streaked gray. They sat in chairs so close they could still hold hands.
The angle of the sun’s rays was low and long shadows emphasized every ripple on the water’s surface.
Closing her eyes, Maureen tried to let the sound of the river carry her spirit out of her body and her own petty problems, but nothing could erase the memory of Holly’s stricken face, or the venom of her words.
“Holly accused me of never loving her father.”
Jake gave her hand a soothing squeeze. “She’s just a hurt kid, lashing out.”
Maureen took a long, shuddering breath, before confessing more. “She said I’d never loved him and that I wanted him to die on that mountain.”
“She’ll calm down and come to her senses eventually.”
“But she’s sort of right, Jake. I didn’t love Rod anymore, not the way a wife should.” She couldn’t believe she’d actually said it. Every day since Rod’s death she’d seen the silent accusation in her daughter’s eyes, but until this moment she’d never admitted her true feelings, not even to herself.
“If you felt that way there had to be a reason.”
She hesitated. Then nodded.
“Did you two have a fight before he left?”
She’d been holding this all inside for so long. Now, suddenly, she was ready to let it out. “We did. A terrible fight. I thought the trip was too risky—he shouldn’t go. In return, my husband asked me for a divorce.”
“What?”
She was so ashamed to admit it. “He didn’t love me anymore. He said he hadn’t loved me for a long, long time.”
Her voice wavered; she felt her lips tremble. “As soon as he returned from that climbing expedition he intended to see an attorney and start the divorce process. Only he didn’t come back.”
“Have you told anyone this?”
“No one.”
He sighed. “Oh, Maureen.”
“I don’t want to mar Holly’s memories of her father.”
“But why didn’t you confide in your sisters?”
“I’m close to them, of course. But it’s different as the eldest. Cathleen and Kelly see me as someone who’s always in control, who has all the answers.
I couldn’t admit to them that in truth my life had fallen apart even before Rod’s accident.
Part of it was pride. I preferred that they see me as a strong, surviving widow rather than a spurned wife. ”
Maureen thought back on some of her darkest moments.
“When I found out that Rod had died on that mountain, I tried so hard to feel sad. But at first all I had was anger. It was so awful, Jake. I longed to cry, to feel the things a normal widow feels… And every time I looked at Holly, my guilt just grew heavier and heavier. He was her father. At least I could’ve grieved for that. ”
“Oh, Maureen. Stop feeling something’s wrong with you. That man let you down badly. Not just when he asked for a divorce but it sounds like throughout your marriage, as well.”
“But—”
“No buts, Maureen. You had no chance to adjust to the shock of his asking you for a divorce before you were hit with another whopper. What amazes me is that you didn’t suffer a total breakdown.”
Maureen turned to give him a weak smile. “At times I’ve felt like I was on the cusp of exactly that. And today I guess it happened.”
“Frankly, I think you were overdue.”