31
Sky had not even realized morning had arrived until a series of loud thunderclaps echoed through the dark clouds. The rain had been persistent since last night. News had aired that there was a tropical depression.
Sky had spent the entire night watching Jude sleep, his mind crowded with restless thoughts.
There was something about Jude’s innocence that always drew him in, especially those captivating gray eyes hidden behind those folds.
Oddly enough, Sky did not feel sleepy or exhausted at all. He did not know how that was possible.
Instead, he was furious.
The discovery of what Jude had been carrying in his bag had kept him awake the entire night. No matter how hard he tried, he could not stop thinking about it. He had never imagined Jude would do something like that.
Jude’s body temperature was alarmingly high, a consequence of the reckless and irresponsible stunt he had pulled the night before. Every time Sky thought about it, anger surged through him all over again.
Lost in his thoughts, Sky did not realize that Jude had already woken up.
It was only when Jude subtly tried to pull his hand away from Sky’s grasp that he noticed.
Instinctively, Sky tightened his hold. To his surprise, Jude did not insist on pulling away.
Instead, he simply stopped trying and allowed their hands to remain connected.
Sky was caught off guard by the unexpected reaction.
That surprise quickly turned into exasperation when Jude merely stared at the ceiling, his face blank and exhausted, as if nothing had happened.
The lack of response only fueled Sky’s frustration.
“Look at me,” Sky demanded in an authoritative tone and with full seriousness.
Sky was slightly taken aback when Jude slowly lifted his gaze and looked directly into his eyes without hesitation, a bold act for someone who had always been too afraid to meet Sky’s gaze or even dare to initiate it himself.
Jude looked at him with those indifferent and sleepy gray eyes, as if Jude were staring at such a useless object.
“Do you have something to tell me?” Sky demanded, but Jude only looked at the ceiling again, exhausted.
Jude was not even a little bit bothered.
“What are these?” Sky asked.
Sky threw the packs of methamphetamine directly at Jude. The small packs landed on his chest. But Jude did not say a single word and did not even flinch despite the force.
“I’m asking you! What the fuck are these?” Sky said, trying to calm down, but he just could not. “Fucking answer me!” Sky’s voice was getting louder as he tried not to lose his temper.
“You’d better answer me before I completely lose my patience with you,” he said sternly.
Sky’s jaw jutted as he fought to keep his emotions under control. He did not even realize that his large hand had tightened around Jude’s smaller one.
Jude remained silent.
The lack of response pushed Sky even closer to the edge. He yanked Jude’s hand and firmly grasped his jaw, forcing him to look at him again.
Jude did not resist.
Sky stared back with those tired, lifeless gray eyes. For a moment, Sky’s heart stumbled.
“The hell is wrong with you, Jude Finn?” Sky snapped. “Answer me! Why do you fucking have these drugs?!” he yelled, his voice echoing through the room as he shot to his feet, putting some distance between them before his anger drove him to do something he would regret.
Jude still said nothing.
He just looked at Sky as if the shouting was not even directed at him. As if he could not care less.
Then something changed.
The frustration and fury raging inside Sky dropped the instant he noticed the expression on Jude’s face.
Sky was surprised when a large ball of tears suddenly cascaded down from Jude’s eyes without even blinking. Sky’s breath caught. He froze. For several seconds, his mind went completely blank.
“The fuck…” he muttered, completely thrown off. “Why the fuck are you crying?”
Tears continuously streamed down both sides of his face, trailing along his temples before disappearing into his ears.
“I feel like I’m going to die, Sky,” he said.
The confession came out of nowhere, raw and sincere.
“I feel like I’m going to fall apart.” Jude’s voice trembled as he raised a hand to his chest, clutching a fistful of his shirt as though trying to ease an ache buried deep inside him. “Why does it hurt so much here?” he asked, rubbing his fist above his chest.
More tears spilled down his cheeks, yet he made no effort to wipe them away. Sky remained frozen in his seat. He had no idea what to say.
The room sank into a heavy, suffocating silence despite the banging of raindrops against the roof. Even his crying was silent. No sobs, no sniffles. Nothing but tears streaming endlessly down his face. Sky could only watch as Jude cried until eventually his eyes seemed to run out of tears.
Sky did not know how to react. He did not know what to do.
This was never his strong suit. Comforting people had always been difficult for him, and seeing Jude like this felt unbearable.
Every tear that slipped from Jude’s eyes seemed to tear something inside him.
It was not until a few moments later that Sky finally heard the indistinct sound of hiccups escaping Jude’s lips.
“You know what, Sky?” Jude suddenly spoke.
Jude’s voice was calm, but Sky could hear the pain woven through every word.
“I’ve always wondered what the purpose of life is. No matter how hard I try to understand it, to find some meaning behind all of this, it never makes sense to me.”
The words hit somewhere deep inside Sky, a place he could not quite name. For the first time, Jude’s words affected him this profoundly. They sent a chill down his spine and left a pang in his chest. Maybe it was because, at some point, Sky had felt the same way.
“When I was in grade school, I loved Science. It was my favorite subject back then. I was fascinated by how life worked—the way every living organism grew, changed, developed, and eventually completed its cycle. Out of everything I learned, the human life cycle intrigued me the most,” he started.
Jude’s eyes stared aimlessly at the ceiling.
“Books taught me many things, but they also filled my head with a lot of questions. One question, in particular, carried with me as I grew older: Is living really as wonderful as people say it is?”
A bitter laugh escaped his lips.
“I used to think about it now and then, but no matter how much I tried to understand it, it never made sense to me…” he paused.
“A baby is born. They go to school. They graduate. They find a job. They get married. They build a family. They grow old. Then, they die. A lifetime filled with hardships, disappointments, heartbreaks, and pain. That’s how I see the human life cycle.
It’s silly, and that’s the reality I know.
And honestly? It doesn’t make any sense to me. ”
Jude paused for a moment before continuing. Sky remained silent, unable to find the right words. All he could do was listen.
“I always ask myself, what’s the purpose of humans being here if we’re all going to die in the end?” Jude’s voice cracked.
He swallowed hard.
“But I don’t blame other people for wanting to live,” he pressed his lips together before continuing. “They have something to hold on to. They believe their lives have meaning. They have people who love them. They have reasons to keep moving forward.”
Jude’s voice wavered slightly.
“But what about me, Sky?”
The question lingered heavily in the air.
“Why do I keep searching for a purpose I can’t find?
I’m not happy with my life anymore. The only people who somehow gave me reasons to keep going are gone.
There’s nothing left for me to hold on to.
” Jude’s eyes drifted somewhere distant.
“I’m tired, Sky. Tired of suffering. Tired of waking up every day feeling empty.
Tired of everything. So, tell me…” he looked at Sky.
“If there’s no reason left for me to stay, why should I keep prolonging it?
Why shouldn’t I just let everything end today? ”
“Shut up.”
It was all Sky could manage to say. His fists were clenched so tightly that his nails dug into his palms.
“We’re all going to die eventually anyway,” Jude murmured.
Jude’s eyes went back to the dirty ceiling.
“Wouldn’t it be better if I ended my suffering sooner? Is it selfish to ask Him to take my life now? Because if He won’t…”
He paused. “…then I will.”
“Shut the fuck up!” he yelled; the words exploded from Sky before he could stop them.
Sky’s hand was forward, directed at Jude.
“How dare you say those things in front of me? How many times do I have to tell you not to think like that?” Sky’s voice skyrocketed, shaking with anger and frustration.
“I’m warning you for the last time, Jude.
I told you before, didn’t I? You promised me.
That wasn’t a suggestion—it was an order.
And whether you like it or not, you’re going to keep that promise just like you always do when I ask. Do you understand me?!”
Unable to look at him any longer, Sky turned away and began pacing around the room. Every step was restless. He was furious, helpless, disappointed, frustrated, and terrified all at once. If he kept staring at Jude, he was not sure what he might do.
“I should’ve died last night,” Jude whispered.
Sky froze.
“You should’ve just let me die. You should all just let me die so everyone can finally be happy. I was supposed to be dead. I should be dead!”
Something inside Sky snapped. His fist connected with Jude’s face.
It happened so fast.
The room fell silent. Sky could not process it. He could only stare at his own trembling hand, shocked by what he had just done. Jude brought a hand to his cheek, holding the spot where Sky’s fist had landed. The instant reality sank in. Sky rushed toward him and gently cupped his face.
“I didn’t mean to do that,” he said hoarsely. “I lost control.”
“Hit me again!” Jude slapped Sky’s hands away and grabbed his wrists instead.
“Punch me!” Jude shouted. “Hit me harder! Beat me up!”
Before Sky could react, Jude seized his hands and tried to force them back toward himself.
“Stop.” Sky pulled away, but Jude refused to let go.
“Kill me!” Jude cried, his voice cracking. “Please, just kill me! Just kill me! Isn’t that what you want too?!”
“I said stop it!” Sky’s scream blasted through the walls.
With a sharp tug, he yanked his arm free from Jude’s grip. The force was stronger than he intended, causing Jude to stumble and fall sideways.
The moment it happened, Sky froze.
Shock washed over him as he stared at Jude. It felt as though he was watching someone else move in his place.
“I’m sorry.”
The words slipped out before he could stop them. Sky did not apologize. In fact, he could not remember that he had said those words to anyone, especially to Jude.
But now, they came easily.
And because seeing Jude like this hurt more than he wanted to admit.
Unable to hold himself back any longer, Sky closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace.
“Let go of me!” Jude struggled against him, trying to break free.
Instead, Sky tightened his hold.
Jude kicked, pushed, and fought desperately to escape his embrace while tears streamed endlessly down his face. He cried so hard that eventually his strength began to fade.
“Please…” he whispered weakly. “Let go of me…”
“I’m sorry.” Sky’s voice cracked. “I’m so sorry. I really am. I won’t hurt you again, I promise. Just…just please don’t say things like that anymore.” Sky begged.
Every word came from the deepest part of him.
Sky kept his arms wrapped tightly around Jude, refusing to let him go, no matter how much he struggled. Eventually, the fight drained out of him. Minutes later, Jude stopped resisting altogether.
All Sky could hear were the quiet sounds of his sobbing. Jude rested his forehead against Sky’s arm, his fingers clutching the hem of Sky’s shirt as though it were the only thing keeping him grounded.
More minutes passed.
The sobs gradually faded until they disappeared completely. Jude’s breathing finally evened out, though the heat radiating from his body still had not subsided.
Then, in a voice so soft and fragile it nearly broke Sky’s heart, Jude mumbled, “I just want to die, Sky. I mean it. Please let me die.”
The words sent a chill through him.
Jude’s stubbornness, the hopelessness in his voice, the way he spoke about death as if it were a comfort, terrified Sky more than anything else ever had.
Sky lowered his gaze to him.
“Then what about me?” he whispered, even if Jude was already asleep in his arms. “Are you just going to abandon me?”