11. Eleven
This week, I intend to use my time wisely during my visit to Calmara. Instead of pouring over sex books and attempting to hide my glowing hands each and every time I think about Atlas, I am determined to spend the afternoon looking for books about Tethering. I haven”t been able to shake what Professor Riggs explained to me days ago and I haven”t had the courage to bring it up to Atlas. I don”t want to frighten him with that lore and push him away. Regardless of whatever I”m feeling, I need him to continue teaching me and making him uncomfortable isn”t on the agenda.
Penelope is eager to show me to a new section of the vast library, Nyx fast on our heels. When we pass by a row where Cleo is furiously stacking book after book back into place, she glances over at us and flashes me a small smile before her face falters when Nyx comes up behind me. She twists away from us, grabbing two enormous leatherbound tomes and slithers out of sight.
Blissfully unaware that anything has transpired, Penelope continues onward, and although we follow after her, I shoot Nyx a menacing glare and whisper, ”What the hell did you do?”
He slaps a hand to his chest with a surprised look plastered on his face. ”Why am I the one accused of doing something?” he angry whispers back.
”Nyx,” I hiss.
”I took her out last week and we slept together.” When my eyes widen, he puts a hand up and says, ”Listen, I told her I”m not the relationship type of man. I was honest with her about what I wanted, and she was more than willing to comply.”
”I assume from her glare that you made no attempt to see her again?”
”Why would I?” He shakes his head. ”Kitarni, not everyone wants to be in a committed relationship. I”m not interested in wedded bliss.”
”Are you saying you never take a woman out more than once?”
”Not usually.”
I scoff. ”Careful, Nyx, you might run out of women to sleep with at the rate you”re going.”
”Not you too,” he huffs. ”Finn and Eris are always on my ass about this.”
”Do what you want, just not with anyone else in Calmara. The last thing I need is for you to offend the wrong person and we both get banned.”
”Noted.” He agrees. ”Calmara is off limits.”
We continue down the long aisle after Penelope in silence, but when the Dwarf turns the corner, Nyx grabs my forearm and spins me to face him.
”What are you doing?” I furrow my brow.
”I try to be as transparent as I can be with the women I bed,” he says. ”I know despite my honesty about my intentions, they might think they can change my mind and they end up hurt or angry when they realize they can”t.”
My glare softens. ”Why are you telling me this?”
”Because I don”t want you believing I”m some asshole. I know my lifestyle isn”t suited for everyone and most people won”t understand why I don”t want to settle down but…”
”Why don”t you want to settle down?” I ask when he tapers off.
”I”m not sure if I”ll ever die.”
”Nyx – ” I scoff but he gently cuts me off.
”Shaye, I”m serious.” He presses his hand along the bookshelf I”m pinned against and takes a deep breath before admitting, ”I don”t know what my magic is capable of as far as life expectancy.”
”Are you saying you think you”re immortal?”
”Is there a way to kill me? Maybe,” he shrugs. ”But I”m not sure. I”m the only man on record to ever have regeneration magic.” He meets my gaze, all joviality wiped clean from his face. ”What if I literally cannot die? What if I”m doomed to spend the rest of eternity unable to leave this realm? Finding someone to settle down with, to raise a family with, only to watch every single one of them pass away, would break me. It”s painful enough believing I”ll most likely outlive every member of my own family. So, I would rather live life on my own, have some fun with women around the six kingdoms, and not be tied down. You can”t be hurt, if you don”t open yourself up to it.”
”Oh, Nyx.” The sorrow in his gaze brings a tear to my eye and without thinking, I wrap my arms around his torso and hold him tight.
He rests his chin on top of my head and drags his fingers in lazy circles around my upper back. ”I just don”t want you thinking lesser of me because of how I choose to live.”
I pull back just enough so I can look him straight in his hazel eyes when I say, ”You are one of the most incredible people I have ever known. I wouldn”t change one thing about you, Nyx Harland. Flaws and all, you are worthy of my friendship, and most certainly deserving of love.”
He clears his throat and quickly swipes under his eye by his three-dot tattoo before a smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. ”I was unaware I had flaws, Kitarni. Care to name a few?”
”Oh, there you two are!” Penelope pops around the corner, out of breath. ”I must have been walking too quickly and lost you.”
Nyx stands up straight, and I smile at our guide. ”My apologies for falling behind, Penelope. We”ll try to keep up this time.”
When we make it to a wooden table tucked against a window, there is one leatherbound book laying there. I scoop it up and scan the title before saying it aloud. ”The Account of Oryn and Naya.” I flip through it and my stomach drops at how thin the book is. ”Is this it?” I glance up at Penelope who looks as if she”s failed me.
”I”m sorry, but that”s all we have on Tethering.”
I thank the Master of Literature before settling into one of the cushioned chairs with Nyx sitting directly across the table from me. I carefully crack open the ancient text only to discover the handwritten account is the same story Professor Riggs already told me. Oryn was a Celestial with light magic. Naya was a human with shadow magic. Oryn used Lumos, his Transcendent form to defeat a demon army and Naya held him in her arms as he died. Her drowning stung the same way it had when Professor Riggs recounted their tale.
Thirty-two pages and no new information to glean. I think I only saw the word Tether once, maybe twice, the entirety of that short account.
Frustration seeps into my soul, rotting away at my bones. Here I was, ready to finally get somewhere, only to find another dead end. I suppose it”s not a complete loss, but I”m no further along in understanding Tethering or my magic any more than before I walked in. I glance across the table at Nyx, who is staring into space, and startle him when I say, ”Take me home, please.”
I leave the book Penelope so graciously hunted down for me on the table, and quietly walk side-by-side with Nyx down to our awaiting carriage. Neither of us says another word the entirety of our journey back to the rowhouse.
Having noticed not only my frustration after my trip to Calmara, but my unusual quietness, Eris insists that we have a girls” night out on the town. At first, I decline, but Eris is persistent and finally secures my compliance. When Nyx gathers his belongings to come as my shadow, Eris gives him the night off, noticing the dark bags underneath his eyes. He”s had very little time to himself since being assigned as my personal protection, so a little rest would do him some good. Honestly, Tronovia is extremely safe and between Eris” water magic and my light, we should be perfectly fine going window shopping and grabbing a bite to eat.
By the time we walk out the front door, Nyx is passed out in one of the leather armchairs in the sitting room, with the fireplace crackling and a blanket tugged up to his neck. At least one of us can get some decent rest, since I can”t seem to stop having nightmares where I see Bastian”s face or feel Vesper”s knife slicing across my throat.
”Are you alright?” Eris” voice slices through the horrific images flashing in my mind and I nod, happy to be out of the house doing something fun.
”I”m fine. Just a little tired.”
”If you would prefer to go back – ”
”No!” I nearly shout like a child. ”I need this. Thank you for inviting me to go out.”
Her smile widens and she slips her arm around mine as we walk down the sidewalk filled with people. The chilly season is coming and the leaves on the trees are starting to fade from green to all sorts of colors – orange, red, yellow, pink – I”ve never seen autumn before, and I think I quite like it.
Eris and I spend our night strolling in and out of different shops, admiring the trinkets, clothes and jewels they offer. I spy a small dagger that would fit perfectly in my boot, but refrain from buying it, since I don”t have any money to my name and would feel downright pitiful asking Eris or one of the brothers to purchase it for me. I know they wouldn”t deny me, they”d snag it up no questions asked, and I don”t want them to feel that I”m taking advantage of their generosity or kindness. They”ve already done so much for me, so I make a mental note about the dagger and press onward.
We duck inside a pastry shop I”ve never been to before, and I catch Eris up on everything I”ve learned about Tethering, Oryn and Naya, and the first Great War. She listens quietly while munching on a scone and nods her head once in a while to prove she”s paying attention. When I ask her what her thoughts are, she admits she doesn”t have any. She heard the tale of Oryn and Naya throughout her childhood but thought it was more lore than factual. To learn they were actual figures in Dalerin”s history is a revelation to her.
I sigh. Another dead end.
My feet begin to ache from all the walking we”ve been doing and without having to tell Eris, she suggests we make our way back toward the rowhouse, but when I take in my surroundings, I don”t recognize the street she tugs me down.
”Where are we going?” I ask, caution bubbling in my gut.
”The Harland House.”
”I haven”t been this way before.”
”There”s something I want to show you on our way.”
I trust Eris, but the thought that my trust might be misplaced always nags in the back of my mind. Not just with Eris, with everyone I meet these days. I suppose it will take me a while to fully trust without thinking someone might have ill-intentions, but I”m determined to get there one day. So, I follow after my friend, zipping down the block until we stop in front of a storefront with an enormous bay window. I step up to the glass when Eris motions for me to glance inside and see children no older than twelve or thirteen sitting in front of propped up easels with canvases perched. They have beige smocks draped over their clothing, and I watch in keen interest as they paint lush landscapes, realistic portraits, and fantastical dragons.
”They”re incredible,” I say softly, as if my voice could possibly break their concentration. I step back to look at the wooden sign swinging above the door. ”Gustav”s. What is this place?”
”It”s an art school.”
”For children?”
”For anyone.” She slides up next to me and stares inside. ”Classes for children take place during the weekend, so it doesn”t interfere with their schooling. During the week, the adult classes are in session every night.”
”Did Atlas take classes here?” I ask without thinking.
Before Eris can answer my question, as if just speaking his name conjures him, Atlas appears. He”s inside the studio, a splattered and worn apron tied around his neck and waist. He rolls his black sleeves up to his elbows as he hovers behind one of the students and points at his canvas. Whatever he”s suggesting to the young artist, I can”t hear because of the glass window that separates us, but by the pride flashing in the student”s eyes, it must be a wonderful critique.
My heart pounds so loudly I can feel it in my ears. ”Wait, he teaches here?”
”I”m surprised he didn”t tell you.”
”Is this where he sneaks off to at night?” My stomach tightens. All this time I thought he might be seeking comfort in another woman”s bed, but he”s been here… teaching art.
”He teaches here three nights a week. The weekend class for the youngsters was his idea,” Eris confirms.
”So, he teaches at Magikos Grammata during the day…”
She nods, ”And here at night.”
Suddenly, I”m warm all over and the hair on my arms stands up. His passion is art. I see him smiling – actually smiling – at these children, and it makes my heart soar. He”s in his element and the joy emanating from him is overwhelming. People all over Dalerin fear him, tremble when he wields his shadows, but here in Tronovia, I see who he really is. He might be lethal but he”s also kind, giving, and selfless. Watching him praise each child, encouraging their creativity, and cultivating their skills, has my lower belly aching. I”ve been holding myself back from letting him into my life, into my heart, because I”m afraid of what would happen if I do.
Little by little I”m discovering how amazing he is and how involved he is in his community, giving back, helping and instructing. What have I done? What do I have to offer anyone?
I”ve never set foot in the city of Midori. All my life, the Golden Palace has been the only reality I”ve ever known. I have never had a conversation with anyone outside those my parents permitted me to speak with. I don”t have a hobby and I certainly don”t have any skills to pass on to the next generation. Suddenly, I feel completely useless, and realize why I should never pursue a relationship with Atlas. He”s so much better than me and deserves someone who is his equal. Titles mean nothing, if you don”t use your power to lift up those around you.
”Shaye? Are you alright?”
I clear my throat and nod, ”I”m fine.”
”Which means you aren”t fine.”
”I am.” The lie rolls off my tongue easy enough, but I hate myself a little more for fibbing to the woman I consider my best friend.
”Would you like to go inside?” Her gentle tone sets my entire body on fire.
I shake my head. ”No. I”d rather Atlas not know I”m here.”
”I”m sure he would be happy to see you,” she encourages with a bright smile. ”He might even show you how to paint.”
The selfish part of me wants him to look up and notice me, to wave me inside, but I turn away, slip my arm around Eris” and tug her forward. ”It”s better this way.”
”Why won”t you allow yourself to be happy?” She doesn”t follow me, forcing me to stop.
”Eris, he”s happy in there!” My tone is biting, more so than I mean it to be, but if I trust her like I claim I do, then I need to start being open and honest. ”If I go in there, I will draw that scowl of his. That is his sanctuary, his place to be fully at peace. Don”t you think if he wanted me to know about this part of his life, he would have told me about it himself?”
She takes a minute to gather her thoughts before sweetly asking, ”Did you ever stop to consider that maybe he is giving you the space and time you need and want to adjust to Tronovia? That he isn”t trying to force you to be a part of his life? Maybe he wants you to take that first step.”
”It doesn”t matter, Eris,” my voice cracks and I hate that my lower lip trembles. ”Even if I did open up to him, allowed myself to fall for him, truly fall for him, it would end the same way.”
”Oh really, and how is it supposed to end?”
”With me leaving.” I say as if it”s obvious.
She steps toward me, a brokenhearted gleam in her eyes. ”Why do you have to leave at all?”
”You know I can”t stay here forever.” I rub the heels of my palms against my eyes and groan. ”He”s too good for someone like me.”
”Explain,” she says with more force than I”m used to from her.
”He fights to protect his people, he teaches wielders to use their magic, and somehow manages to teach art on the side. Sure, he”s still a pain in my ass, but I”m realizing how badly I misjudged him. I”m remembering all the terrible things I called him – ” I suck in a deep breath to keep the tears stinging my eyes at bay. ”I have nothing to offer him, Eris.”
She lunges for me and wraps her arms around me, tugging me close. ”I love you, Shaye,” she whispers, ”but you”re being an idiot.”
”Eris!” I scoff, but she won”t release me from her hold.
She pulls back just enough to meet my enraged gaze. ”I”ve known Atlas for a couple of years now and I can tell you with absolute surety that I have never seen him look at someone the way he looks at you. He”s more open with you than anyone else I know, including his brothers. And even if it”s just your hand that you extend in friendship, you always have something to offer.”
I slither out of her grip and retreat a step. ”Nothing you say will – ”
”You”re punishing yourself.” Not a question, an accusation.
”What? Why would I – ”
”I did it, too.” Her confession silences me. ”After Finn helped me escape Hydra, I spent the first few months punishing myself for being happy, for feeling at peace. I kept reminding myself that I abandoned my family, my home, my people. Worse, I killed my husband. It didn”t matter that they all harmed me, that they abused me. I shouldered that guilt and denied myself pleasure. I didn”t pursue friendships or potential romance with anyone. Anytime the Harlands invited me to go to Prue”s or to a family event, I would turn them down. I spent months in the rowhouse, away from everyone, thinking it was better that way.”
”What changed?”
”I did,” she smiles. ”I realized I didn”t need to live with guilt or shame shrouding me. I survived and deserved to live. I deserved to be happy. And Finn never stopped reaching out to me. Just like Atlas won”t stop reaching out to you. Just like I won”t stop reaching out. You don”t have to punish yourself because you are happy, Shaye.”
Deep down in the depths of my broken and crushed soul, I know she”s right, but the thought of living with the mindset of I deserve to be happy is something I need to learn how to do.
Eris extends her hand, ”Would you like to go inside?”
Everything within me screams to take her hand, to slip inside the studio and make the effort to show Atlas that I want to be included in his world. But I can”t. Call it fear, insecurity, self-loathing – I can”t and won”t walk through that door and lay my burdens at his feet. He deserves better than me.
I shake my head and even though her smile falters, she doesn”t press me, nor does she question me. She snakes her arm around mine again and leads me down the street.
”Maybe next time,” she whispers, and I nod.
”Maybe next time.”