13. Thirteen
Ineed to take a walk, a cold shower, or even scarf down a piece of cake to figure out what is going on with me. Whatever I choose to do next, I know with absolute certainty, putting distance between me and Atlas is of the upmost importance right now.
Absentmindedly, I mosey through the city for at least an hour before I find myself standing in front of Finn”s apothecary shop. The red brick building has large windows, black shutters, and a cerulean blue door. There”s a dark wood sign dangling above the sidewalk that simply reads: Harland Apothecary. Short, sweet, and to the point. Just like Finn.
With nothing better to do and my curiosity piqued with the opportunity to finally see what Finn”s workshop looks like, I push the door open and a little copper bell jingles to announce my arrival. Dried flowers hang from above, candles burn throughout the one level shop, and the faint smell of patchouli dances around me. The pine floors are scuffed, but there are several area rugs to bring in the cozy comfort I”ve come to expect of the Harland brothers.
”I”ll be right with you,” Finn”s voice echoes from the back, so I busy my hands with touching glass vials neatly organized on dark shelves. In typical Finn fashion, he has them in alphabetical order and the attention to detail makes me smile.
Amphoria.
Benzinite.
Cardawell.
I skip down the line to the very end and scan over Ylenium and Zentilli… I wonder what they all do. Maybe while I”m here, I can find something to slip into Atlas” drink to make him chill out and leave me alone. I shake my head. No matter how angry or irritated I am with Atlas, I would never do that, especially knowing what it feels like to be drugged my entire life.
Just the thought of him has me aching for his lips to be pressed against mine. The surprise and excitement in his hazy green gaze when I left him on the floor of his classroom will forever haunt me. I don”t know what possessed me to kiss him, but stars, I love how he tastes.
I wish I had a good reason for abandoning him the way I did, but if I”m being honest with myself, I left because if I didn”t, I”d still be on top of him. I bite my bottom lip, reliving how his tongue stroked the inside of my mouth, his powerful, calloused hands gripping my thighs, hips, and waist. This kiss was different than our first. In Bava, it was filled with apology and confusion, but this kiss was filled with possessiveness, a claiming, and I liked it.
I groan and rub tiny circles against my temples. Maybe there”s a potion in here that will extinguish my desire for Atlas.
”Well, this is a welcome surprise.” Finn”s sweet voice sounds behind me, spurring me to whip around with a grin plastered on my face.
”I hope I”m not intruding.”
His kind hazel eyes sparkle as he shakes his head and wipes his hands on his black apron. ”A visit from a friend is never an intrusion.”
”Where”s Eris?”
”She went to pick up our lunch. Normally we go together but I was with a customer, so she”s bringing something back for me.” He quickly scans my clothing and notices my glowing hands, before a smirk snakes across his face. ”How was your lesson today?”
My face heats thinking of Atlas on top of me and I dodge his question by motioning to the vials lined on the floor to ceiling shelf behind me. ”Got anything here that will get Atlas off my ass?”
Finn laughs, the deep sound rumbles through the humble shop. ”So, your lesson went as expected.”
I scratch the back of my neck, a grimace on my face. ”Let”s just say, I”m not sure what kind of mood Atlas will be in tonight for dinner.”
Finn”s eyebrows pinch together, a brotherly concern written across his face. ”He”s not being too hard on you, is he?”
”No,” I shake my head, knowing exactly how Finn will react if he suspects Atlas is in any way harming me. ”But…” I groan, scraping my hands down my cheeks, feeling them flush.
”Would you like some tea?” His question throws me.
”What?”
”I”m brewing some tea and have plenty, if you”d like a cup. I”ve found that having a nice cup of warm tea makes it easier to talk about uncomfortable things.” My hesitancy spurs him to include, ”No magical suppressants here. Just black tea with lemon and honey.”
I bob my head and offer him a small smile. ”I would love some.”
Finn motions to a brown leather couch at the back end of the store, nestled beneath a bay of windows that looks out over the canal. ”Make yourself comfortable. I”ll be right back.”
I do as I”m told and saunter to the cozy section of the store. The couch is flanked by two extremely comfortable looking forest green armchairs and a black coffee table anchors the space atop a white area rug. I take a seat at one end of the couch, tucking my knees underneath me and turning so I can look out on the canal. Even though the weather is beginning to cool, it”s still warm enough in the afternoon that Tronovians go sailing, swimming, and even fishing in the aqueduct.
”Addicting, isn”t it?” Finn”s voice startles me.
”What is?”
”People watching,” he smiles and the corners of his eyes crinkle, somehow making him even more handsome. ”Sometimes I catch myself looking out this window, daydreaming.”
”What do you daydream about?”
He shrugs as he pours boiling water into two cups and drops tea bags into both. ”The future mostly.”
”What is it you want in the future?” I prod, hoping to hear him mention a certain Sea Elf in there somewhere.
”I”m not really sure, if I”m being honest.” He claims the seat on the opposite side of the couch, stretching his arm along the back of the cushions. ”Sometimes I wish I lived a care-free life in a cottage deep in the forest somewhere. I, of course, know that”s not in the cards for me, but it would be so much easier if I didn”t have to play political games.”
”You mean be assigned on assassination missions?” I ask, drawing his gaze.
”Amongst other things.”
My curiosity has me wanting to ask him about what other missions he”s been on, but I stay my tongue.
”What about you?”
”What about me?” I tilt my head.
”When you were looking out the window. What were you daydreaming about?”
Atlas. It always seems to come back to him. But how am I expected to divulge that deep, dark secret to his brother over a cup of tea? I can”t just sit here in silence, so I say, ”How everyone here seems so happy.”
”Most Tronovians are happy,” Finn concurs, ”but like anywhere else in Dalerin, there are plenty of citizens who struggle. No place is perfect, but our uncle has done everything in his power to ensure safety, provisions and equal opportunities for our people.”
”Of that, I have no doubt.”
When our tea is steeped, Finn retrieves the bags and places them in a small bowl, before passing me my teacup. I take a deep whiff and melt at how delicious it smells. Though the concern it could be poisoned crosses my mind, I shoo those thoughts away, remembering Finn isn”t the same as my parents, and indulge a long sip. The warm liquid coats my throat and the distinct flavors of honey and lemon tingle the tip of my tongue.
”This is really good.”
He bows his head, ”I”m glad you like it.”
We drink our tea in a comfortable silence, occasionally glancing out the window behind us at the Tronovian children jumping into the canal to swim. Their laughter and excited shouts warm my heart. I don”t recall a time in my own childhood where I was allowed to let loose, be loud, and express excitement about anything. I know for sure I was never allowed to jump into one of our pools fully clothed like the Tronovian children are doing now in the waterway. Admittedly, I lived a privileged life. I lacked for nothing physically, but emotionally I was starved. Mentally I was abused. And when I think back on my childhood, I realize sadly, that I didn”t really have one. I was expected to be perfect by the time I could gurgle my first words. There was no room for failure, and any shortcoming on my part was met with anger, disappointment, and the expectation that I grovel at my parents” feet and beg their forgiveness for my error.
In Tronovia, I seem to make mistakes every day. I”m still learning how to use my magic and trust myself to make my own decisions, but when I fail, I”m not met with judgment. One of my friends picks me up and helps me correct course. It”s heartbreaking to realize the people who were tasked with raising me didn”t offer their love unconditionally. Their love had limits, and I honestly feel stupid that I didn”t recognize it before.
I sense Finn staring at me, and when I turn to look at him, he smiles. ”You have a lot swimming through that head of yours.”
I chuckle softly and bob my head. I know if I wanted to talk about my familial issues, Finn would lend a listening ear, but I don”t want to weigh our time together down, so I muster the courage to ask him something I”ve been itching to get the answer to since our travels in Bava.
”Can I ask you a question?” I watch as he blows steam wafting up from his teacup, curiosity in his eyes. ”You don”t have to answer, if you don”t want to.”
The corner of his mouth ticks up, as if he knows what I”m about to ask. ”Ask away.”
I tap my fingers against my cup, choosing my words carefully. ”I see the way you look at Eris, and how much fun you two seem to have together. Why aren”t you a couple?”
There”s no surprise on his face, but he shrugs and offers a sheepish grin. ”Is it that obvious?”
I chuckle. ”To me, yes.”
After a brief moment of silence, Finn sets his cup down, roots his elbow to the armrest and confesses, ”I”ve been in love with Eris since the moment I met her.”
”Really?” I ask and with a slight nod, my heart melts. ”Finn,” I whisper, ”why haven”t you told her?”
”I need her to tell me how she feels first.”
I crinkle my brow. ”Wait, why?”
”Eris told me she shared her story with you in Bava. So, you know I helped her escape from Hydra.”
”Right.”
”Well, if I express how I feel about her, I don”t want her to feel obligated to reciprocate those feelings because she believes she owes me. We live together, work together, travel together, and she”s my best friend. I don”t want my love for her to ruin what we have built together. I never want to wonder, if she actually loves me of her own free will, or if she played the part to avoid losing everything she now has.” He shrugs, pushing his frames up the bridge of his narrow nose, and reclines in his seat, finished with his explanation. ”So, I”ll wait for her.”
I bite my bottom lip, but force myself to ask, ”What if she never tells you how she feels?”
”Then I will still have her as my friend, and that”s enough for me.”
A bell rings above the door and we stare down the aisle that leads directly to the front of the store and see Eris slip inside with two white boxes presumably filled with her and Finn”s lunch orders.
”I”m back,” she sings out.
”We”re on the couch,” Finn responds. The expression on his face is different than it was a second ago. Talking about Eris, he bore a sweet smile. Now that Eris is within the vicinity, his muscles tense, as if he”s restraining himself from rushing over to her and giving her a kiss like seasoned lovers do.
”We?” Eris pokes her head around the corner and when she sees me, she grins widely. ”Shaye!” Her eyes dart to the two boxes of food. ”I”m so sorry. Had I known you were coming, I would have gotten you something, too.”
I wave a dismissive hand in the air. ”It”s ok! I”m not even hungry. I just wanted to drop by after class.”
Eris peeps the clock over the register and I know what she”s going to say before she opens her mouth. ”Did class release early?”
”Something like that.”
The door rings again when a customer walks in spurring Finn to hop up, offering Eris his seat. ”I”ll be right back.”
Eris unceremoniously plops down and opens her container of food. Sliced pastrami and gouda cheese are perfectly lined in the container with salted crackers. She points at the plate in her lap. ”Did you want some? I”m more than happy to share.”
”That”s alright. I”m really not hungry.”
”Why are you lying?” she purses her lips and scoots next to me. ”There”s plenty of food for both of us.”
”Eris -”
”Shaye, if you don”t just take half of this, I”m going to scream.”
”Alright, alright!” I throw my hands up in surrender and smile. ”You”ll make an excellent mother one day.”
”I”m sure I will. I”ll force feed my children food they say they don”t want even though I know they”re lying.” She narrows her eyes at me. ”Speaking of children. Where”s Nyx?”
”Still asleep in bed, I imagine. He woke up sick this morning.”
”You”ve been walking around the city by yourself?” Her tone is higher pitched than normal, and I can”t tell if she”s worried or impressed.
I bob my head and sink my teeth into a slice of cheese. ”It”s actually freeing. I was never allowed to go anywhere alone in Midori.”
”For good reason,” she says through a mouthful of food.
I pat her upper thigh. ”I”m perfectly safe. I might not be a master of my magic yet, but I”m not the same girl you kidnapped.”
Eris” face softens. ”You”re right. I”m sorry. I shouldn”t smother you. What are your plans for the rest of the afternoon?
Shrugging, I say, ”I don”t really have any, and after what happened at school tod -”
”I knew it!” she squeals, pointing a finger at me. ”I knew you were out of class early for a reason. What happened today?” Her eyes widen. ”Are you in trouble?” When I don”t answer immediately, her mouth drops. ”Wait.” She inches closer, looking over at the counter where Finn is checking out a customer and whispers, ”Did something happen with Atlas?”
I try to keep my face neutral, but Eris clearly sees through that facade and nearly screeches in delight.
”Shaye, tell me everything,” she insists as she stuffs a morsel into her mouth with childish glee.
I lean closer and admit, ”We got into a fight – ”
”Shocker.”
”No, not an argument. An actual fight with magic and hand-to-hand combat.”
”A training exercise?”
I shake my head, ”That”s what I”m trying to tell you. We actually fought. We were frustrated with one another and just came to blows.”
She pats my hand. ”It”s ok. Atlas will get over it. By tomorrow morning – ”
”I kissed him,” I blurt. Her jaw hits the floor and tiny pieces of food fly from her mouth.
”You kissed him?” she asks quietly, wiping the crumbs from her pants.
I shake my head in confirmation, sneaking a glance at Finn still at the counter with his customer.
”I need details,” she scoots closer.
I start to re-braid my hair, nervous to say the next bit out loud. ”Well, Nyx has been teaching me hand-to-hand combat, so when I saw an opening today in class, I tackled Atlas, but instead of pinning him, he easily flipped me over and rooted me to the floor. We just stared at each other, breathing heavily, and I don”t know what came over me. I just leaned up and kissed him.”
Eris abandons her food, more interested in my story than finishing her meal. ”You kissed him?” I nod. ”What did he do?”
I bite my bottom lip. ”He kissed me back.”
Eris squeals in delight. ”Oh my gosh! You were just making out in his classroom?”
”It seemed to take him by surprise, because I was able to roll him onto his back and sit on top of him.” I rub my hands up and down my cheeks. ”Am I blushing? I feel like my cheeks are so red you would notice them blocks away.”
”You”re rosy. Now tell me what happened when you straddled him?”
”There was a hunger behind his kiss…” I can feel his tongue slipping in and out of my mouth and shake the memory free. ”He didn”t try to stop me. His hands were all over my body, in my hair, gripping my thighs… If I hadn”t gotten up and walked away, I”m not sure what would have happened between us.”
”Are you telling me,” Eris angry whispers, ”you made the moves on Atlas in his own classroom and then in the middle of things getting heated, you just got up and left?”
I bite my bottom lip, ”And came here.”
”Seven hells, Shaye.” She sinks further into the couch, slapping a hand to her forehead.
”I know, I”m awful.” I hide my face behind the safety of my palms and groan.
”Awful? What are you talking about?” Eris straightens and pulls my hands from my face. ”I wish I had the confidence to kiss someone like that. Anyone could have walked in on you.” Her smile widens and a giggle escapes her lips.
”What”s so funny?”
”Nyx is going to be so pissed he missed this. He lives for the drama.”
”I blame Nicodemus Harland for this entire encounter!” I lament. ”If he had been there, I never would have kissed Atlas. Now I”m not sure what the dynamic will be at the house tonight.”
”Well, I know Atlas won”t be home for dinner. He told me this morning that he had a meeting tonight.”
”Oh, great. Just delaying the inevitably awkward encounter for tomorrow”s class.”
”I don”t think you have anything to worry about, Shaye. Nyx and I already told you, we can sense there”s something going on between you two.”
”Clearly, kissing in the open.” I wave my hands around like I”m casting a spell before snatching a piece of pastrami and munching on it. ”What if a student had caught us or Stars forbid, Headmistress Radcliffe?”
”Then they would have gotten quite the show,” Eris teases and I swat at her.
”This isn”t a joke, Eris.”
”Did you enjoy yourself?”
”Eri -”
”Answer the question. Did you enjoy kissing Atlas?”
”Yes.”
”Would you take back the kiss, if you could?”
I think about it for a few seconds before realizing that I wouldn”t change a thing. Well, except maybe for leaving. His lips felt so good against mine. His hands caressing my thighs, slipping up my neck, raking through my hair – all sensations I crave to feel again.
”No.”
”Well, there you have it. Maybe when he comes home tonight, or you see him tomorrow morning you talk to him.”
”Or,” I hold up a finger for dramatic effect, ”we pretend it never happened.”
”Very mature,” Eris rolls her eyes. ”At some point you”re going to have to tell him how you feel.”
”There”s nothing to say. I find him attractive.” I shrug. ”He”s smart. I”m sure he”s realized that by now.”
”I guess you”re not ready to be honest with yourself.”
”Speaking of honesty, when are you going to admit you actually have feelings for Finn?”
”What?” she giggles nervously. ”I told you before, Finn and I are just really good friends.”
”Is that why you look at him like he”s the answer to every riddle?” I know she”s scared to admit her true feelings and I would like nothing more than to reassure her that her feelings were reciprocated, but Finn”s feelings aren”t mine to divulge. He trusted me with private information and even though I”m bursting to tell my friend, I keep my mouth shut.
She takes a moment to respond, but finally says, ”It”s complicated.”
”Ah ha!” I point at her in triumph. ”So, you admit you do have feelings for him!”
She eyes me, ”I know I shouldn”t, but I can”t help it. And honestly, it”s better if I keep that to myself.”
Before I can ask her anymore questions on the matter, Finn returns, and the conversation quickly strays into neutral shop talk territory. For the rest of the afternoon, I enjoy watching Eris and Finn work together and learn more about the alphabetically organized vials as I help Finn restock. I finally understand why working in a shop like this might be peaceful for someone like Finn. It”s methodical, repetitive, and the organization fills me with a sense of accomplishment when all is said and done. If my life wasn”t aimed in a different direction, I might find myself happy working in a small shop like this. But that”s not my path and I shake the glimmer of excitement away.
Even though I”ve managed to avoid thinking about him for a few hours, Atlas” face pops into mind. The gravity of kissing him finally hits me. I know the line we have been tip-toeing the last few weeks has now been crossed and I”m not sure what to say or do to smooth things over between us. If he”s angry with me, I”ll have to make it up to him. The idea of him ignoring me, or worse, handing me off to one of the other professors to continue my lessons with because it”s now awkward between us, has me spiraling with worry. I take a deep breath to ground myself before finishing the last of the restocking while Finn and Eris close the store for the night.
Since I won”t see him tonight, I”ll have to face him tomorrow, and I”m not entirely sure what I”m going to say. Eris is right though. I did enjoy kissing him and if he allowed it, I would kiss him again. What I need is a nice relaxing bath to clear my head.