16. Sixteen
”The things I want to do and say to you, you aren”t ready for, but I hope one day, you will be.”
”I”m trying to protect you!”
”I”m not trying to control you. I”m trying to control myself.”
I play his words over and over and over again in my mind as I toss and turn in my bed one level below him. The longer I think about it, the angrier I get and the more embarrassed I become. I can”t believe I was on my knees before him, baring myself to him, all for him to stop us from…
I flip to my back and stare up at my ceiling. I don”t know how long I”ve been fighting my sheets to find a comfortable position, but I”ve worked up an appetite and decide to risk waking the entire house to raid the kitchen for a snack. Throwing my blanket off of me, I slip a robe on and carefully open my creaky door. Successfully, I manage to leave my room and trek down the stairs, but when I make it to the first floor, I notice the light in the kitchen is on. Someone else must be up raiding the cupboards and I pray to any Celestial that cares to listen that it”s not Atlas. My wounded pride can”t take looking him in the eye quite yet.
Pushing through the swinging door, I find the kitchen is empty. It”s not like Finn to forget to shut this area down completely, but as long as I”m not sharing the space with Atlas, I”m happy.
I”m not sure what would put me in a better mood – sweet, salty, crunchy, soft, bitter, sour. I remember Finn had made a chocolate mousse pie earlier and since Atlas wasn”t home for dinner, there are a couple leftover slices, so I open the cooler and scan the shelves for the sweet and flaky treat.
A breeze from behind me envelopes me as the back patio door opens and without hesitation, I whip around, shielding myself from the intruder. With a scowl rooted deep in my features, and prepared to defend myself from an attack, I stare through the force field and my eyes lock with Finn”s. He”s standing in the doorway with a handful of herbs and a smile on his face.
”You”re getting faster with the shield,” he says, a hint of pride lacing his words.
Lowering the shield, I sheepishly scrape my fingers through my hair. ”Probably due to people startling me.”
His chuckle is soft as he closes the patio door and places the freshly plucked herbs onto the butcher block island countertop. ”Apologies, but to be fair, I was technically using the kitchen first.”
I hate that my first thought these days is that Vesper or one of her red-eyed minions will burst through the door or window and drag me back to Midori. Then I remember Finn reminding me to keep my wits about me and my embarrassment dissipates. It”s better to be ready to defend myself than be caught unaware and once again become their victim. One day, hopefully in the not-so-distant future, I won”t have to watch my back or flinch in fear when a door opens. One day, I will feel completely safe.
I finally locate the last two slices of the chocolate pie and pull it out of the cooler. ”Is it alright, if I eat this?” I ask and he looks confused.
”Of course,” he bobs his head, reaching for a cutting knife. ”Whatever is here is yours too, Shaye.”
”Do you want some?” I snatch a fork from the drawer, prepared to grab a second.
It appears he is about to decline, but thinks better of it and says, ”One should never let their friends eat alone.”
I laugh and grab a second fork and meet him at the island. We stab our forks into the creamy dessert and the moment the buttery, flaky crust and smooth cocoa chocolate smack my tongue, I”m practically moaning. ”This is so good, Finn.”
”Thank you,” he mumbles through bites. ”It”s not that difficult to make, but everyone loves it.”
Silently, we demolish the rest of our slices and the greedy part of me wishes I hadn”t offered to share with him. I scoop his empty plate and dirty utensil and carry them to the sink and rinse them.
”What are you doing up this late anyway?” I ask over my shoulder as he resumes chopping herbs.
”I”m up this late most nights baking or preparing herbs for the shop.” He doesn”t look up from his work, but asks, ”So, why can”t you sleep?”
My shoulders tense. ”Why do you assume I can”t sleep?”
”It”s past midnight,” he says simply. ”I”m normally the only one up this late, unless someone is having a hard time falling asleep.”
Atlas” teeth grazing my neck, his hands gripping my hips, his tongue sweeping inside my mouth flash in my mind and make my breathing uneasy. How am I supposed to tell Finn that his brother sent me mixed signals, rejected me, and left me spiraling in confusion and embarrassment? And now I”m trying to figure out how I”m supposed to face him tomorrow for our lesson without wanting to bury my face in my hands and weep.
”You don”t have to tell me, if you don”t feel comfortable,” his voice slices through my thoughts.
I dry the dishes with a towel and turn around to face him. ”It”s not that I”m uncomfortable confiding in you, Finn, I just…”
”What is it?” He quits fiddling with the herbs and meets my gaze.
”I don”t want you thinking lesser of me,” I whisper.
”I”m not sure I could ever think that way of you.” His reassuring smile shatters all of my insecurities and I find myself ready to spill all of my secrets.
”Flatterer.” I hang the towel on the rack before rooting my elbows to the island countertop and watch his hands work. ”I have a lot on my mind,” I take a deep breath and admit, ”and I just had an awkward encounter with your brother.”
He quirks an eyebrow and shakes his head. ”I don”t need details. That”s more Eris and Nyx”s department, but as far as the stress, I might be able to help.” A kettle I hadn”t noticed before starts singing and Finn sets his knife down to take it off the stove. He reaches into one of the cupboards filled with a neat row of matching black mugs. ”Would you like some tea?”
”Black tea with lemon and honey?” I ask, liking the flavor combination at his apothecary shop.
”Chamomile. Helps one to relax and ultimately fall asleep.”
”I”ll try some,” I nod.
He snatches two mugs, pours boiling water into them, and drops two tea bags inside. ”So,” he grabs the cups and sets them in front of us, ”what do you typically do to calm yourself when you feel stressed out?”
”What do you mean?” I watch the tea seep into the liquid turning it a straw color.
”What did you do for fun in Midori, to relieve stress?” He motions around the kitchen. ”I bake late at night after everyone”s gone to sleep. What is your outlet?”
I take a minute to think about it. ”Do baths count?”
”As relaxing as that is, no. I mean a hobby. Something you pour your energy into that brings you joy?”
I open my mouth but close it again when I struggle to find an answer. ”I enjoyed going for swims in Midori, and when I was in the mood, I”d read, but I rarely finished any of the books I started.”
He plucks our tea bags out of our mugs and disposes of them. ”Why is that?”
I shrug. ”Not enough romance for my liking.”
Finn barks out a hearty laugh and shakes his head. ”Ask Eris.” He flicks his eyes over his glasses and smiles. ”She might have a few of those romance books you”re looking for.”
”And how would you know that?” I tease, watching as he squeezes honey into our tea.
”I”ve known the woman for three years. I pay attention.”
”What else have you noticed?” I grab the small spoon he offers and match his movements in stirring the honey in my mug.
The corner of his mouth ticks upward, but he doesn”t meet my intrusive stare. ”Someone is being awfully nosy tonight.”
”I”m curious what you have observed over the years about someone you love.”
His eyes finally latch onto mine, but he doesn”t deny being in love with Eris. ”Well,” he clears his throat, bringing his mug to his lips, ”when she”s comfortable and feels safe, she sleeps on her left side. She has a not-so-secret stash of chocolate in a hollowed-out book in the library. When she”s nervous her right eye twitches and she sniffs everything before she eats it. Need I continue to embarrass myself?” He takes a long sip of his tea before noticing the tears welling in my eyes. ”What”s wrong?”
”That”s really sweet, Finn.”
He shrugs, as if what he”s confessed isn”t that big of a deal. ”It”s easy to notice things when you care.”
”I…” That strikes me. ”Never mind.”
”What is it?”
I bite my bottom lip before admitting, ”I don”t think I can tell you anything deeply personal about Bastian. The corners of his blue eyes crinkle when he smiles, he has boyish dimples, and he brings me gifts from his travels. Other than those superficial things, I don”t really know him like I thought I did.”
”And that bothers you?” he asks.
”It”s sobering.” I stare at the tea swirling in my cup. ”How have I grown up with him, been in love with him, but truly not know him?”
”Maybe you were more enamored with the idea of being in love, than actually loving him.”
”Wow,” I whisper.
Finn busies himself by cleaning his glasses with the tip of his apron. ”I”m sorry. I don”t mean to upset you – ”
”You didn”t.” I snap my head up to look at him. ”I”ve been living my life in accordance with everyone else”s expectations, that I”m not even sure I know what love is.”
”I think you know what love is, Shaye. You went from wanting all of us executed for kidnapping you to laughing with us, sharing meals with us, even fighting by our side against Soul Eaters. I”d say that”s a form of love.”
I shake my head and finally take a long sip of the warm chamomile tea and love the burn against the back of my throat. ”That”s just being a decent human,” I counter.
He places his elbows on the counter. ”Would you have done that before we kidnapped you?”
We both know the answer is no, but I am too ashamed to admit it.
”Do you want to try baking with me?” His unexpected question saves me from confessing the truth.
”When?”
Finn stands upright and backpedals to a hook by the patio door where a second apron is hanging. I assume it”s Eris”, since she”s the only other person who spends time in the kitchen. ”Right now.” He extends the apron to me. ”Unless you”d rather go lay down.”
That”s the absolute last thing I want to do. Lay down, alone with my thoughts, staring up at my ceiling plotting against Atlas Harland. ”I have to warn you,” I take the apron and tie it around myself. ”I don”t know anything about baking other than I love to eat baked goods.”
His laugh warms my soul. ”I can respect that.”
”So, what are you baking?”
”We are baking bread for breakfast tomorrow morning.”
”Alright,” I bob my head, confidence stirring within me, ”let”s bake some bread.”
Water, yeast, flour, salt, herbs. Mixing ingredients together is easy. Kneading the dough is hard and time consuming, but I”m having so much fun, I ignore the ache in my hands and keep up with Finn”s pace. He shows me how to split the dough into sections and weave them so when it bakes it will have a twisted design. We finish our tea as we allow the dough time to rise before slipping the loaves into the oven.
It”s so freeing to have time to laugh and learn with Finn. I see why he enjoys the methodical work. It”s about measurements and technique, but even an ugly loaf of bread is tasty. At least that”s what I tell myself when we pull our bread out of the oven and see the craftsmanship of Finn”s compared to my sad and monstrous one.
”Do you want to try some?”
I nod, even though the tea is starting to do its work in tiring me. He takes my loaf and carefully slices two pieces for us to try. I sink my teeth into the warm morsel and close my eyes in delight.
”How do you feel?” he asks, drawing my gaze. ”Eating the fruits of your labor?”
”It feels … good.” I smile. Although my first attempt at making bread doesn”t look pretty, at least it”s delicious.
”I think baking might be your new hobby.” He brushes his hands together over the sink to rid himself of crumbs.
”You think so?” I follow his lead and do the same.
He bobs his head and grins. ”If you ever find yourself unable to sleep, you are always welcome to join my late-night baking sessions.”
I return his smile. ”I”d like that, Finn.” Especially since I barely sleep well these days due to nightmares anyway. I suppose I can add the horrendous encounter with Atlas to my ever-growing list of things that keep me up at night.
I watch Finn untie his apron, clearing the kitchen for the night, and without thinking about it, I crash into him, wrapping my arms around his torso. ”Thank you,” I breathe.
”For what?”
”Being my friend.”
He slips his arms around my back and squeezes. ”It”s an honor.”
Finn walks me up to my room and waits for me to close my bedroom door before heading up to the fourth floor. The chamomile tea and the warm bread I just ate finally take over and as soon as my head hits my pillow, I doze off, and thankfully don”t have any nightmares.